Ronan. If I am not pregnant, I think I am severely depressed. I told Rita this tonight. I don’t know what it feels like to be depressed, because I never have been. I’ve been traumatized over losing you so badly that I can’t function, but I would not call that depressed. I would call that just a mom, who has had the worst thing that could possibly happen to her, happen. And then you are left, feeling blind, deaf, dumb, alone, abandoned, shocked, scared, numb, tormented, miserable, heartbroken, physically ill, and like you too, would like to die. You are left thinking the pain alone, will kill you. But it does not. So you get up, somehow. I’m not sure how, but you do. I did. I feel like I have been moving on a high-speed train for months now. Doing so much, but it all felt good. Doing good things/being productive is what is saving me. Doing all of this while still respecting this pain. The high speed train has come to a halt. I am so freaking tired. I worry that it is because I have done so much/too much and now your 1 year since you’ve been gone is approaching. Your 5th birthday is shortly after too. I am going to freak out if I am this tired, and it is not due to being pregnant. This is so not like me. I don’t get tired. I run off constant energy and adrenalin. I can do 50 tasks at once, while hiking Camelback, blindfolded, juggling apples behind my back. Not this past week. This is not the flu or step throat or anything like that. This is something more. It’s either I’m really, really sad…. or pregnant. If this is what depression feels like, HOLY FUCK. It is scary. I do not enjoy this. Rita says if I am not pregnant, then we will be doing a lot of night hiking. Good solution, Rita. Seriously.
There are some things in life, that I am asked to do, and I just cannot do them without you. In my old life, I would have said yes in a heartbeat. In this new life I have learned to say no. There are certain situations that I know I can mentally/emotionally not handle. So, I have started to say no to things that I know will be too painful for me to do. Your daddy is so supportive of me and the way I am doing this. He knows when he comes to find me in the shower to ask me if I am ready, and he finds me crying hysterically saying, “Please, I cannot go without Ronan. Don’t make me go without him!” He knows not to make me. He just looks at me, kisses my forehead and tells me it’s alright, that I do not have to go. This is one of the 10 billion reasons that I love him so much. But I would still kill him if it meant I could bring you back. You see, RO… why couldn’t I have just left it at being one of the 10 billion reasons I love him so much? Why did I have to throw that killing him for you thing in there? Because that’s how my mind works. It’s kind of dark and twisted, in a pretty way. At least I think it’s pretty. But I am a sucker for a dark and twisted mind. I think they are the best minds to have.
I wish I had more to say tonight. I honestly don’t think I left the house all weekend. I’m feeling that crummy. I met Rita at Trader Joe’s. We Robombed the place with your little cards. That was the highlight of my weekend. Well, that and snuggling up to your brothers while we watched oh so bad but oh so good, 80’s movies. Ummm… hello, “Licence to Drive.” Top 5 fav 80’s movie of all time. I loved those Cory’s. Quinn cracked up at it. Liam thought it was stupid and actually went into the bedroom with your daddy to watch, “Storage Wars,” or something. He is obsessed with that show. Those brothers of yours… they are so stinking rad. I am so lucky to have them. I was so lucky to have you. I’ll never understand why you had to go. I miss you so much.
I’m sleepy, tired, and sad. I love you to the moon and back. I’m so sorry, Ronan. I hate this for all of us. I hate this most of all, for you. I hate that you are not here, and I don’t get to take care of you. This destroys me. This is so not how things should have to be. I hope you are safe. Please be safe. I love you to the moon and back. Sweet dreams, baby doll.