1)Dying 2)Depression 3)Pregnancy 4) Mental Ward 5) Let’s just go to Mexico!


Ronan. If I am not pregnant, I think I am severely depressed. I told Rita this tonight. I don’t know what it feels like to be depressed, because I never have been. I’ve been traumatized over losing you so badly that I can’t function, but I would not call that depressed. I would call that just a mom, who has had the worst thing that could possibly happen to her, happen. And then you are left, feeling blind, deaf, dumb, alone, abandoned, shocked, scared, numb, tormented, miserable, heartbroken, physically ill, and like you too, would like to die. You are left thinking the pain alone, will kill you. But it does not. So you get up, somehow. I’m not sure how, but you do. I did. I feel like I have been moving on a high-speed train for months now. Doing so much, but it all felt good. Doing good things/being productive is what is saving me. Doing all of this while still respecting this pain. The high speed train has come to a halt. I am so freaking tired. I worry that it is because I have done so much/too much and now your 1 year since you’ve been gone is approaching. Your 5th birthday is shortly after too. I am going to freak out if I am this tired, and it is not due to being pregnant. This is so not like me. I don’t get tired. I run off constant energy and adrenalin. I can do 50 tasks at once, while hiking Camelback, blindfolded, juggling apples behind my back. Not this past week. This is not the flu or step throat or anything like that. This is something more. It’s either I’m really, really sad…. or pregnant. If this is what depression feels like, HOLY FUCK. It is scary. I do not enjoy this. Rita says if I am not pregnant, then we will be doing a lot of night hiking. Good solution, Rita. Seriously.

There are some things in life, that I am asked to do, and I just cannot do them without you. In my old life, I would have said yes in a heartbeat. In this new life I have learned to say no. There are certain situations that I know I can mentally/emotionally not handle. So, I have started to say no to things that I know will be too painful for me to do. Your daddy is so supportive of me and the way I am doing this. He knows when he comes to find me in the shower to ask me if I am ready, and he finds me crying hysterically saying, “Please, I cannot go without Ronan. Don’t make me go without him!” He knows not to make me. He just looks at me, kisses my forehead and tells me it’s alright, that I do not have to go. This is one of the 10 billion reasons that I love him so much. But I would still kill him if it meant I could bring you back. You see, RO… why couldn’t I have just left it at being one of the 10 billion reasons I love him so much? Why did I have to throw that killing him for you thing in there? Because that’s how my mind works. It’s kind of dark and twisted, in a pretty way. At least I think it’s pretty. But I am a sucker for a dark and twisted mind. I think they are the best minds to have.

I wish I had more to say tonight. I honestly don’t think I left the house all weekend. I’m feeling that crummy. I met Rita at Trader Joe’s. We Robombed the place with your little cards. That was the highlight of my weekend. Well, that and snuggling up to your brothers while we watched oh so bad but oh so good, 80′s movies. Ummm… hello, “Licence to Drive.” Top 5 fav 80′s movie of all time. I loved those Cory’s. Quinn cracked up at it. Liam thought it was stupid and actually went into the bedroom with your daddy to watch, “Storage Wars,” or something. He is obsessed with that show. Those brothers of yours… they are so stinking rad. I am so lucky to have them. I was so lucky to have you. I’ll never understand why you had to go. I miss you so much.

I’m sleepy, tired, and sad. I love you to the moon and back. I’m so sorry, Ronan. I hate this for all of us. I hate this most of all, for you. I hate that you are not here, and I don’t get to take care of ¬†you. This destroys me. This is so not how things should have to be. I hope you are safe. Please be safe. I love you to the moon and back. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

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6 Comments

  1. Robombed? LOL Amazing! I went to my Tempe Trader Joe’s, knowing you had not gone there yet still looked around for RoStuff. And- I think alot of us readers would let you kill us too. You are not dark and twisted for saying you would kill Woody:) We know what you mean.
    Hugs

    Reply
  2. Jaime H.

     /  March 27, 2012

    My hubby and I agree: we would rather die ourselves or lose each other than to lose one of our boys, seems totally natural to me! When you love your child, nothing else even comes close! You’re not crazy for feeling that way, we do too! :) There is no love that compare’s like the love for your children! I hope you feel better soon Maya, I’m sorry your sad :( xoxo to you today!

    Reply
  3. Paula

     /  March 27, 2012

    Wow…I just love the way you write. Every post I cry and I laugh. You are so real. Thanks for being honest you! I have to say when you through in the ” I’d still kill him”…I bursted out laughing. Sounds like you have an amazing husband. My husband and I talked about that last night. About who would argue your point. If given the choice…save your kid or you spouse…who wouldn’t choose the child? I don’t know you but I feel like I do. You are a great person. I have never lost a child…but have had one with neuroblastoma. And I can’t thank you enough for what you are trying to do. Stay strong…stay a fighter!

    Reply
  4. Sara Maurer

     /  March 27, 2012

    I would TOTALLY trade either my life, or my husbands to save one of our kids..and I know my husband would do the same. It’s love and that’s all there is to it!

    Xoxo

    Reply
  5. Melissa

     /  March 27, 2012

    Even with all of your tiredness, you still have missed out on QUITE a bit of sleep since Ronan’s fight began and especially since he left this Earth, so go easy on yourself sister! I would pick my children any and every time if it was between myself and/or my husband. What parent wouldn’t? I don’t think this is dark or twisted at all. Ronan’s life was STOLEN from you–it is so not fair, right, just…there really isn’t even a word. To me, it makes perfect sense that you tell your sweet boy Ro, yourself, and Woody that no matter how very much you love him that you would still pick Ro every single time. Of course he would gladly go as would you have. Ro knows this. No doubt you told him over and over and over when he was physically here and he hears and sees your suffering and pain now. He knows. I may have reached stalker status today as I have replied to all 3 of your posts! Love to you all.

    Reply
  6. Grief is extremely exhausting. Mexico sounds perfect. Fuck you cancer!!

    Reply

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