Special Delivery of a red colored Slurpie! Because LOVE should not come with a label.


Ronan. Today was a very busy, important day in this new, oh so strange world without you. I dropped your brothers off at school. I came home, allowed myself to crawl back into bed for 15 minutes where I sobbed about you, got up, showered and got ready for the day. Becca had invited me to sit at her table at the We Stand Behind Planned Parenthood luncheon. You know how I feel about the whole luncheon thing… too many people… anxious feelings…not ready for the real world yet… but Becca asked me and for her, I would do anything. Plus, I do stand behind Planned Parenthood, so I was actually looking forward to going. It was empowering to be there, standing up for such an important cause. Standing up for what they believe in, which just happens to be, what I believe in. I am proud to stand behind this organization. Please do not bombard my blog with your opinions on this subject. You won’t change my mind. I hope you all know, just because I talk about some things I stand behind on here, I do not expect you all to agree with me. Agree to disagree. I am totally o.k. with that. It’s what makes us all unique, different, and as human beings and we each have a right to this freedom. This is what Planned Parenthood, believes in:

1. We believe all individuals have the right to make informed, independent decisions about sex, sexual health, and whether and when to have a child.

2. We believe everyone has the right to safe, high-quality, affordable health care – including the full range of reproductive health care.

3. We believe everyone has the right to comprehensive, age-appropriate, medically accurate sex education.

4. We believe in commonsense policies that promote women’s health, increase access to affordable birth control, and protect the health of young people.

5. We believe in U.S. foreign policy that improves the sexual health and well-being of individuals and families globally.

I support that. I support them. That’s the bottom line. I also get that some people do not support them and all I have to say is, to each their own. I have a personal relationship with Planned Parenthood. When I was in college, when Woody and I were NOT trying to get pregnant with the twins, when I thought, “Oh shit, I think I am pregnant!” just after we were newly married… I went to them for a pregnancy test. I was so young, scared, and they made me feel safe AND it was affordable. Plus, it was right down the street from our condo. I also always got my birth control from them. They had my back at that time and I’m a very loyal girl. Enough said. And please, do not be so ignorant to start spewing shit about how I believe in abortion. I DO NOT BELIEVE IN ABORTION. But I do believe in a woman’s RIGHT to CHOOSE. There is a difference. I do not believe old men in suits have any business telling a woman what she can or cannot do with her body.

Before the luncheon, Becca and I made an executive decision (because we are so official now) to run down to the Capital, to show our support for Nicole Stanton’s press conference regarding SB 1462, the anti bullying bill that would have protected the rights of ALL children in our Arizona schools. A bill that will protect ALL of our children, one day very soon, I have no doubt about that. From the little time I’ve spent with Nicole, I have no doubt that she will get this bill passed and it will be placed in all of our schools, just as it should be. I cannot get started on what I think about Cathi Herrod, the lady responsible for killing this bill. That would take up this entire blog to you, Ro and I just don’t have it in me. I don’t want to get started on this, but I can’t stop myself tonight. She pisses me off. She is clearly a pro bullying, racist, homophobic, mean lady. Whom I would really like to take home with me and have her sit down and watch all the episodes of “Glee,” with us. I don’t even watch T.V. anymore, but I would welcome her in for a little slumber party of sorts. We would sit, eat popcorn, drink sodas, and watch every episode of “Glee!” I might recruit Mandy Bee to dress up like a ninja and douche her with a red colored Slurpie like the bullies do on the show to the kids who are “different.” Crap. But then that would be bullying I guess. So let’s not do that… but it is sort of fun to imagine! It is soooo totally fun to imagine. Can you get arrested for something like that? Like if you did it in a public place?? Just sayin… Bucket list, Rita… bucket list.

Cathi, honey, darling… I hate to break it to you, but the gays and lesbians of the world, are not going anywhere, nor are they hurting anyone. They are people, just like you and me. So are the little cancer babes with bald heads, scars, some who are paralyzed now from this awful bully of unfairness called childhood cancer. Go get angry about something that is really harming children, everywhere. ALL KIDS HAVE A RIGHT TO BE PROTECTED. Childhood cancer is something to protest. Not a simple thing, like people just being who they are, and being treated poorly for that. THAT IS SO WRONG! I think I would like to meet with you lady. I have a few bracelets and a little story you might need to read. It might make you change your mind about all the stupid shit you are fighting for, which in the reality of this hell, that I live in now… just does not matter.  Fighting so hard against people’s sexual orientation, is so fucking stupid, that it angers me! What a waste of time and energy, to put into something that is nobody else’s business! When will this world wake up and start fighting for things that actually matter? I have a dead child. I think I win! Nothing else is worse. I have a dead child because of lack of funding/passion/awareness/stupid fucking politicians with the egos the size of china who clearly DO NOT CARE ABOUT DEAD BABIES WHO ARE KILLED BY THE NUMBER ONE DISEASE KILLER, IN FREAKING AMERICA! But who are more concerned about my son, sitting next to another boy in school that maybe likes to wear pink and sing show tunes! PRETTY SURE I WOULD HAVE CHOSEN TO BE MORE PISSED OFF OVER THE FACT THAT MY SON HAS A DEAD BROTHER OVER CHILDHOOD CANCER, YOU FUCKING MORAN! I’m pretty sure I would not be pissed off that my son might actually make a really good friend who could teach him how to sing/dance/love/be true to who they are/who they should have the right to be, without being bullied about it. It’s called LOVE. And that is a beautiful thing no matter what shape or form. I think I would like to go line Cathi’s driveway with a bunch of fake, bloody, beaten up, bald, dead, not dead, but hooked up to chemo-polls, babies and kids. I think I could make her change her mind-own up to her stupidity and apologize. You should be ashamed of yourself, Cathi Freaking ASSHAT Herrod(new favorite word, thank you very much FAIRY RoMo) You pretty much, make me sick. I don’t know how you freaking sleep at night lady. But I’ll bet it is a very cold bed. My bed is only cold, because my sweet baby boy, who used to sleep in it, with me… is dead. But thanks for keeping my twins safe at school by trying to keep everything so black and white. No coloring outside of the lines, right?? Thank Ro, I have the right to teach them how to color way the fuck out of the lines, at home. You can’t take that away from me.

Ro baby! Sorry for all my political rants! I did not mean to take time away from you. Ending that now. Back to you, to me, to us.

That was yesterday. This is today.

I’ve had a whirlwind of a week. I have been so productive, so positive, so channeling this anger into motivation… I knew I was going to crack. I kept it up, all week long. I helped others. I begged for some things to change to some very important people. I fought the good fight. I engaged with your brothers. I took them hiking, running, spent some real, quality time with them, went to their field day at school. I picked up the phone more when old friends called. None of this was easy. I did it all up until about 2:00 today. It was around 2:00 today, that the tears started and I could not stop them. Your daddy came home. He saw the look of sheer terror in my eyes as I stood in your brothers’ closet, hanging up their shirts. He wrapped his arms around me as I sobbed. Your brothers had a baseball game tonight. I could not go. I could not stop the tears and the thought of sitting through a game tonight, without you, was just too much. Just add it to the pile of mom guilt I feel all the time now.

Want to hear the one of the most fucked up conversations I’ve had, since losing you? It happened last night after your daddy came home from the Radiohead concert he went to. I opted to stay home with your brothers. It was late, around 11 p.m. I was not sleeping, but just quietly laying next to him. Your daddy looked at me before he fell asleep and goes, “I would let you kill me, if it would bring him back.” I didn’t even hesitate, Ronan and I said, “I would.” He goes, “I know.” End of conversation. It ended, just like that. For it being so wrong and so totally fucked up… if you can see beyond all that… it is actually really beautiful. Not that I need to be reminded, because I know it all of the time… but it just shows how much your daddy loves me too. That he would sacrifice himself, for not only you, but for me as well. To end my horrific pain. I would do the same for him, in a heartbeat. I would make him kill me, if it meant you could come back. That is how much we miss and love you. That is how much we hurt, from not having you here.

Tomorrow is St. Paddy’s day, Ronan. A holiday that I really, really love. I’m not sure if we will actually do anything, but I am totally rocking one of my most awesome tee shirts for it. (rude comments need not apply)  If you were alive, I would totally let you rock this in a kid size. How freaking funny would that be! I wore this the other day and some dude told me I was too tall, to be a leprechaun. You would have been the perfect size.

I love you. I’m going to try to settle down a bit. Tricia came by and could not even pull me out of bed to hike Camelback. I never say no to that. Tonight I did. I told her there was no way I could face the shiny happy people of the world today. I know when I need a break from it all. I know when to take the day off and give into this pain. I know I can only do so much and when a breakdown happens, to just let it happen.

Your Margarita kept me laughing through my tears tonight though. She has a way about doing that. She doesn’t just make me laugh on the surface like a fake pretend laugh. She really makes me laugh. And then she throws in some sort of jab, all ninja like, that makes me feel like I am kind of awesome… in the raddest way possible;) Or she’ll make me feel like a total jackass, for some of the shit that comes out of my mouth; but she keeps me laughing while she does it. I think she’s a keeper. I think the way you left that R2-D2 guy in her yard tells me you think this too. That was pretty nice of you, little dude. Thanks for that.

My eyes are officially burning. My heart is sad. I’m going to try to forget this world for a bit by watching a movie on this very sad, stupid, I hate every night, without you, Friday night. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I’m so very sorry.

xoxo

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24 Comments

  1. Glenda

     /  March 16, 2012

    Sweet dreams Maya! Hope your lil spicy monkey comes in your dreams! Always Ro!
    Love your tee! :)
    Fucancer!!!

    Reply
  2. The conversation between you and your husband was painfully beautiful… It is so completely crystal clear how much you and your Woody love Ronan, and each other. If only it were that simple, almost feels as though it would kind of right a wrong… no child should leave this earth before their mommy or daddy. I’m so sorry. Sending love your way, Ronan is a part of my life, he is so worth the tears I (a complete stranger) shed for him on a consistent basis… he melts my heart… Maya even you in all your feisty glory melt my heart. XOXO

    Reply
  3. If I had one wish it would be that your family is whole again…not that either you or Woody would have to give up your lives for Ronan, because then you wouldn’t be complete either. All I want is for all of you; Woody, Maya, Quinn, Liam and Ronan, to be together on this earth as a family as it should be.
    Since I can’t make this happen, I’ll continue to spread the RoLove as best I can.

    Reply
  4. KT

     /  March 17, 2012

    MM, thinking of you always. I loved looking
    through the beautiful pictures of you and the
    boys. Big hugs and kisses to you and Woody.
    xoxoxoxo

    Reply
  5. Jaime H.

     /  March 17, 2012

    Your twins are so cute, I love the photo’s you posted at the end. As always, sending love and best your way! I’m glad you have Woody and Tricia and Rita, etc… I hope you have a nice weekend. XOXO

    Reply
  6. Maggie

     /  March 17, 2012

    U ROCK! That is all.

    Reply
  7. I just found your blog from visiting Grim Reaper Girl and she said you were a rockstar…and you are. Love to you from not so far away…I know how your husband feels, it’s hard to believe but I felt that way about my brother when he lost his daughter to a brain tumor, just two years ago. I have worshipped him since we were little, guarded his heart so fiercely in my own…when Grace left I just couldn’t bear the sorrow he would need to pass through, he and his wife who I also love very much. If there is anything anything i can do or give to you take it…love is out here, it is in my heart, just take it and share it. I love radiohead.

    There are some posts on my blog you might relate to. I’ve never read any posts like them and a few people who have lived through horrible loss and struggled to make it to the other side, which I do believe I have done (my brother and I lost our parents when we were young), have appreciated them. Know that I have only referenced my blog to others just a couple times, I’m not here to self-promote, but it helps to know you aren’t alone. http://patricemj.wordpress.com/2011/10/13/oh-brother-where-art-thou/ . http://patricemj.wordpress.com/2012/02/05/invasion-of-the-statistical-deviants/

    Love to you and your family.
    patrice

    Reply
  8. Great t shirt & post. Sending you peace and hugs. Fuck you cancer!!

    Reply
  9. Bostonmom

     /  March 17, 2012

    Maya, I have been following your blog for a couple of months. My daughter will be 5 on May 9. I can’t imagine the pain you are going through. You are just amazing and so honest about your feelings. I don’t think many people have the guts to share that with so many people. Thank you.

    Reply
  10. rhp

     /  March 18, 2012

    Sorry, but with today’s blog I am officially “unsubscribing”. I will continue to support fighting pediatric cancer in any way I can, but not through you. How can you fight so hard for the lives of sick children but support Planned Parenthood and disregard the life of an unborn child? You’re a hypocrite. I’m sorry for the pain you live with every day and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

    Reply
    • Thank you for unsubscribing. Please don’t pray for me. I will pray for you, and I don’t even pray. I guess back-alley abortions are the way to go?? Because they will happen. Every woman should have the right to choose. You don’t like abortions. Then don’t support them. But it is not your right to make someone else’s choice, for them. And I am a hypocrite? For what? You are sick. And a judgmental asshole.

      Reply
      • Katie R.

         /  March 19, 2012

        Maya – I agree with soooo much of what you said. Without legalized abortions, people will still do them and possibly die in the process b/c they don’t know how!!!! And to the A-hole that unsubscribed to your blog…..what about the girls out there that are raped and beaten and end up pregnant by some sick-o…I guess you want them to live in the hell of carring that child.

        Maya – we don’t even know each other but I had a dream about you the other night. I’m not surprised as I think about you and Ronan a lot!!

        Lots of love to you Maya and your family.

        Hugs from Katie R. in Dallas, TX

      • Kendra

         /  March 22, 2012

        I wish your blog had a “like” button for comments! :) Well said, Maya!!!!!!!

    • Can i also add that planned parenthood is not just about abortion. It’s about teaching people about safe sex practices and also preventing unwanted pregnancies (therefore avoiding abortion) and also educates people about preventing the spread of STDs. It is an important service provided to people who have nowhere else to go. Asshat.

      Reply
  11. FUCK FUCK douche bag fuck!! Everyone who is reading this blog, who remotely judges Maya or her thoughts and beliefs should ALL unsubscribe! NOW!!!
    Go away, leave your nasty thoughts and comments to your self…..Maya never asked you to follow her, so leave her the fuck alone!

    Maya….you are right, I volunteered for years at a local birth control clinic….and back alley abortions and subsequent deaths will occur because of them. I have always said whether I would ever have or not have an abortion is my decisions no one else’s!

    Oh, Maya…..my love and support to you always,

    Leona~
    xoxo

    Reply
  12. That Woody hubby of yours … so good. That poignant moment will be in the previews for the blockbuster movie about Ro’s life and about your love/heartbreak/fight that will bring childhood cancer into the spotlight for all Americans-finally. You’ll be played by Sandra Bullock and Taylor Swift will do the soundtrack. They will both win Oscars. (Seriously, this is gonna happen).

    Reply
  13. Lots of RoLove and hugs your way, Maya. You are doing wonderful things and you have my support all the way…
    Sharon

    Reply
  14. Christine

     /  March 19, 2012

    For so many reasons I love, love, love this post. You rock! Don’t ever stop ANYTHING you are doing. I really admire you and I really can’t stand judgmental assholes:-)

    Reply
  15. I’ve been struggling with the fact that I’m so far away here in Boston and want so badly to help. I seriously am obsessed with making this a reality for you, Maya. There’s not a day that doesn’t go by where I stop talking about you and Ronan.

    I’ve been looking for the words to tell you how much you’ve inspired me and then I actually listened to the words of “Brighter than the Sun.” First, it’s a great summer song – bring it on – but most of all, I think it was written by one of Maya’s Mafia about your impact on our lives…This year at Christmas, I was rather uninspired and my ass kicking friend in WI introduced me to your blog. I’ve been addicted to RoLove ever since…THANK YOU! I only hope to repay you. I also hope you will repost this in some fashion because I think you will be surprised to see how many people agree with me – You popped out of nowhere to most of us. It fucking sucks that you had to, but you did. This IS how it starts and RoLightening has struck all our hearts…xoxo

    Here are the lyrics:

    Stop me on the corner
    I swear you hit me like a vision
    I, I, I wasn’t expecting
    But who am I to tell fate where it’s supposed to go with it
    Don’t you blink, you might miss it
    See we got a right to just love it or leave it
    You find it and keep it’
    Cause it ain’t every day you get the chance to say
    Oh, this is how it starts, lighting strikes the heart
    It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
    Oh, it could be the stars falling from the sky
    Shining how we want, brighter than the sun
    I never seen it, but I found this love, I’m gonna feed it
    You better believe I’m gonna treat it
    Better than anything I’ve ever had’
    Cause you’re so damn beautiful
    Read it, it’s signed and delivered, let’s seal it
    We go together like peanuts and Paydays
    Marley and reggae
    And everybody needs to get a chance to say
    Oh, this is how it starts, lighting strikes the heart
    It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
    Oh, it could be the stars, falling from the sky
    Shining how we want, brighter than the sun
    Everything is like a white out ’cause we shook-a-shook-a shine down
    Even when the, when the light’s out but I can see you blow
    Got my head up in the rafters, got me happy ever after
    Never felt this way before, ain’t felt this way before

    I swear you hit me like a vision
    I, I, I wasn’t expecting
    But who am I to tell fate
    Where it’s supposed to go
    Oh, this is how it starts, lighting strikes the heart
    It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
    Oh, it could be the stars, falling from the sky
    Shining how we want, brighter than the sun…

    Reply
  16. Becky

     /  March 21, 2012

    To the people who misunderstand PP, maybe this will help: Their mission is NOT to promote abortion. Their overall mission is education and supplying medical care and CHOICES to those who are uninsured or under insured. They do not push girls to have abortions but rather counsel them on all of their choices and help them weigh the best one for them. They also supply birth contol at the cheapest possible rates, thus lowering unwanted pregnancies and abortions. Although an abortion may not be the right choice for you or even myself I would never want to hinder someone’s right to choose.

    Reply
  17. Mandy

     /  March 21, 2012

    Maya, Maya, Maya, I am so sad and disappointed by this post and even more so by your comment to “rhp”. You shouldn’t blog about things that are so controversial if you don’t want us to respond when we disagree. That’s not fair. Supporting Planned Parenthood is one thing. Aside from abortion, that’s great if they actually do all the things Becky says. And, I understand you don’t want your blog to blow up with people’s opinions on the subject. Clearly it hasn’t, but I think people are scared of pissing you off. I can’t help but laugh at some of the comments people post on here. There is a lot of smoke being blown up your ass. I am sorry; I can’t tell you how awesome I think you are…not today, not with this post. This is not a religious issue for me so please don’t dismiss me as a religious fanatical. How can you say on one hand that all kids have a right to be protected, but support a woman’s right to choose? I agree with her. It is hypocritical. I am all for women’s lib, but what about a man’s right to father his unborn child? He should have no right to accept responsibility? To have a say in it? A child’s right to live should always be an overriding factor, no?

    Reply
  18. Jennifer

     /  March 21, 2012

    Maya, I think you rock! That’s all. Oh and to the idiot who called you a hypocrite she can fuck off.

    Reply
  19. Kendra

     /  March 22, 2012

    Maya, you are pure radness. That is all.

    Ok I lied … one more thing, I saw this quote today and loved it because it’s so applicable to things going on in my own life right now, but it totally made me think of you too and how you are kicking pediatric cancer’s ass:

    “Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway.”

    I know you’ll never give up on it. So this needs to be a reminder to everyone else, including all the politicians and everyone else that has any kind of influence, that the time will pass anyway, so make it count and get shit done!!!!

    Reply
  20. Maya, you are an amazing woman! This blog really got to me and made me cry. The love you and your husband share is truly a once in a lifetime love. Im so happy that you two can remain so loving and close to one another. So many marriages end when a child is lost and you two are able to lean on one another through this fucked up situation and not turn away from each other. My husband and I lost a baby girl and we grieved her loss seperately from one another and there was a week we didnt even speak to one another. I thought we were gonna end up going our seperate ways. I just want you to know that I support you in all that you are doing, and thankyou for being such an inspiration to me. (((HUGS)))

    Reply

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    Must be a book writing night. #ronan #fucancer #ronanbook #bestofficeever #handstandqueen Somebody get this kid an agent. #ronan #fucancer #omg #hes10 #basketball #littleballer #madskills Brother pick up time! #poppy#ronan #fucancer Working on my skin cancer. #ronan #fucancer #justkidding #coveredinsunscreen #camelbackmountain #hotasballsuphere #mommytimeout She had to stay up past her bedtime to wait for her sissy to get home. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #soulsisters @knjoy Watching that pretty Arizona sunset. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #poppyrooiloveyou Fuzzy besties. #poppy #ronan #poppyandmama #fucancer #love For the past two weeks all Poppy has been doing is carrying around Ronan's picture, kissing it, saying "Ro Ro" and trying to open the frame up because I think she thinks if she does, he will come out and play with her. It's heartbreaking and so very sweet. I'm amazed that one of her first words was Ro Ro and that she walks around saying it all day long as if he is her very best friend. #poppy #ronan #fucancer Sorry to wake you sister, but we have to get your brothers from school. #poppy #ronan #sleepysister #fucancer Hoopster. #ronan #fucancer #littleman #basketballballer #futurenbaplayer @quinnthompson24 Air. #ronan #fucancer #q-dub #littleman #basketballballer Truth. #ronan #fucancer #stopcomplainingaboutstupidshit #begrateful #insomnia
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