Maya decides not to die.


Ronan. I saw your Dr. JoRo today. It’s been way too long. It was a catch up session and a pow wow session combined. She wanted to know what’s been going on, if I’ve had quiet time, how I’m feeling, etc….. I told her today that I think I have decided that I’m not going to kill myself. She hardly flinched when I told her this as I think she already knows this. I guess I’ve known this for a while too….. but sometimes I think it would be nice to take the easy way out, so I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this pain. I get tired of it. But then I think of your face and how unfair that would be to you…. not to mention your daddy and brothers. And Dr. JoRo and Sparkly. And a whole lot of other people who love me. I could never be so selfish to actually do something like that. But I do think about it. Not a lot, but it does comes up. I’ll bet you it comes up with any parent who has lost a child. I’ll bet it is just part of this process. It almost seems natural due to being left here, expected to survive such extreme circumstances while everyone else goes on with their day-to-day lives. I won’t ever be able to go back to the day-to-day normal life that existed before all of this. Every single thing I do involves thinking about you, missing you, and hurting for you. Whether it be folding the laundry or how I am plotting to take over this world with my evil plans that often involve the fuck word that I love so much and seems to offend so many people. Bahahahahaha!!! That was my best, evil laugh. Fucking fuck little dude. People are sick and want to see me fail. I fully get that. It’s just the way this world works. I don’t have much to say to that because it’s not really worth my words. I just feel sorry for them and the things in life that they choose to HIDE behind. What a pitiful life. All I’m trying to do here is spread the RoLove and maybe help save some cancer babes lives while I’m at it. But I understand how that could seem so evil as I am not doing this the traditional route. I’m choosing to do this my way or the highway and anybody who has a problem with that can SUCK IT MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!!!!! Traditional is not my style when it comes to, “Oh, I’m sorry, but my son died of cancer so let’s just sit back and be nice about it while I shut the fuck up and don’t be vocal about it so things don’t ever change.” Gag me.

People are scared of different. They would rather sit back and judge and hide instead. Uhhhh…… hate to break it to ya, but nobody normal, ever really changed the world. It’s always the rule breakers, the outside of the box thinkers, the passionate ones, the one’s who don’t take NO for an answer, the one’s who FIGHT back not slink away, the “crazy,” ones. It’s not the let’s play it safe guys and do everything the same exact way, that everyone else is doing, or let’s just not do anything at all. That won’t change a thing. I’m not here to follow anyone’s else’s lead, unless you are a rule breaker too, then we can talk. I’m here to listen. I’m here to be inspired. I’m here to watch the way some other very inspiring people are doing things differently in life. I’m here to grab onto the hands of the people who are willing to do things differently as well. It will take an army to change things, I know this which is why I am sitting back and quietly observing a lot. It’s as if I’m seeing a whole new world of people out there. They are so beautiful that it’s blinding. In a good way. It’s feels so good to be blinded by the sparkling lights of the human soul.

Do you wanna know one of the sparkling lights that I am blinded by every single day? So much so that she is in my daily thoughts because I love her that much. My Dr. JoRo. In my dream of all dreams, and I have many, she is in each one of them. I would walk through fire for her. If money were no object, I would give childhood cancer funding and her MISS Foundation, everything I had. The fact that she has to work so hard, for the funding she gets, which is not a lot for all she does, is such bullshit. Everyone should be supporting her. She is saving the lives of all these parents in the world who are just tossed out into the streets, so scared and vulnerable. She is fighting the good fight and how in the world isn’t EVERYBODY supporting her? She is not doing this to make money or line her pockets like so many other organizations out there. Ummm, hello…. Dr. JoRo does not even take a salary from the MISS Foundation. She is THAT kind of a human being. She is an anomaly in this world. She could give a flying fuck about making money for herself. She wants to help others and that’s it. There is no hidden agenda. What you see is what you get and what you get. And what you get is one of the SMARTEST, KINDEST, PASSIONATE and BADASS souls that I swear to you Ro, has ever existed. She is my Gandhi. I need you to watch over her. I need her to be here with me for a very long time because we have a lot of work to do, together. I know Chey is watching over everything she does so she really is in the best hands possible; but I know you are helping out now too. I know you are the one who led me to her. Yes, I got your little sign. The JoRo sign. It’s not a coincidence that her middle name is ROse, baby. I know that. Thank you.

I not only go into Dr. JoRo’s office to talk about death, grief and all things painful. We also talk a lot about life things, which was probably one of her biggest clues that I had decided not to off myself. I guess when you are talking about the future, it means you are less likely to kill yourself. At least in my case. I’m not the grief expert or anything, but this would seem to make sense. Today, I went in there and we discussed an email I had shared with her that I had written out. Today, I went in there with “I have an idea. A really, really big idea….” I have a lot of these ideas in my head that I am so excited about, I want to scream them from the rooftops and go jumping right in, but I understand it is easier said then done. In my mind, everyone should just hear my ideas and say, “Yes! You are a genius! Here is your 100 million dollars! Let’s start saving all these cancer babes!” Dr. JoRo quickly brought me back to reality in the most tender, caring way. By saying, “I absolutely think you can get this done, but let’s cross off X,Y, and Z to get there first and I will help you. This has to be a really well, thought out plan. So, let’s sit down with this dream of yours and figure out what it is we need to do, to make it happen.”

I like a plan. A plan says your serious. And I am serious in the most serious way possible; with everything I have. With everything that is you. But I understand there has to be logic, rules and structure in place as well. I can play by the rules with some things, but I will keep it extra spicy for you too of course just to put your little spin on things. Lots of big dreams all inspired by you and all the other kids and families we’ve been touched by. Cancer peeps and non cancer peeps. It’s amazing to see the movement you are creating.

There is no dream that is big enough for you, Ronan. I promise you that. I promise you, we will get this done. This is what you want. I know it. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. I’m going to try to get some sleep. My new motto is, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” I said this to your favorite lovie the other night. He didn’t laugh. He didn’t like it. He thinks I need my sleep. I will try to listen to that voice of reason of his that seems to be the one I listen to. And yours. Although, I feel like yours is always pushing me not to listen and to break the rules. You are so spicy. G’nite baby doll. I love you to the moon and back. G’nite little RoFriends. You are the best for believing in us and for letting Ro make you better people. I love you.

xoxo

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19 Comments

  1. So glad you’ve decided to stick around, Maya!!! Let’s fuck cancer up!!!

    Reply
  2. Maya,

    I just have so much love for you. Simple as that. I’m gonna stop by your mom’s tomorrow and pick up a few more bracelets…5 on one wrist and the mafia one on the other just isn’t enough for me. I feel so close to you even though we’ve never met. Maybe it’s a hometown thing, idk. The ladies asked me to a meeting not too long ago, but I had no one to watch the kids while I went. I want you to know, you and Ro have changed me. Much love miss Maya! I hope to have a latte with you one day ;) If life were only that simple again, right? XOXO

    Reply
  3. Molly Withington

     /  February 29, 2012

    I am so glad you decided not to die… You rock!!!!! Thank you for being honest about how you feel when no one else is. :) YOU ARE COURAGEOUS!!!!!!!!!
    A quote from Miss Swift- “Fearless isn’t being 100% not fearful, its being terrified but you jump anyways.”
    Sounds like you if you ask me :)

    Reply
  4. Debbie Moore

     /  February 29, 2012

    You are brave and good and you are making a difference for so many children. Stay true to yourself because there are many of us who care about you and support all your efforts.

    Reply
  5. Laura

     /  February 29, 2012

    Thinking of you always with love.glad you are staying around the world needs fights like you.

    Reply
  6. Cheryl

     /  February 29, 2012

    Hey Maya, nice to hear that you have decided to not die!!! You really need to remain here on earth so that you and your mafia can fuck up cancer!!!! You honesty is beyond believable, and your love for those who care is worth every minute you stay around. RoLove is gonna take over, your gonna make it happen. You gotta be a believer now days to survive just one day. Hugs and Love…xoxo
    Cheryl

    Reply
  7. Sara Maurer

     /  February 29, 2012

    Forever RoLoVe to you Maya…behind you ALL the way! Fuck you cancer!

    Reply
  8. Pamela

     /  February 29, 2012

    “Well-behaved women seldom make history.” –Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

    Go get ‘em Maya!! You are ROmazing!!

    Reply
    • Daniella

       /  February 29, 2012

      That is the exact quote I thought of when I read this post! Rock on Maya!!

      Reply
  9. Teresa Dige

     /  February 29, 2012

    Inspiration…that’s what you are! Fuckety Fuck, Fuck! Can’t wait to see what the evil plan is. Cancer won’t know what the fuck hit it!!!!

    Reply
  10. Glenda

     /  February 29, 2012

    RoMama you are RoMazing and RoLoved!
    Keep kicking Cancer in the ASS!!!
    FUCancer!!!!
    xo
    Always thinking of Ro! Always Ro! xo

    Reply
  11. Jaime H.

     /  February 29, 2012

    Awesome words today Maya!! Love love love!!! xoxoxoxo

    Reply
  12. I can’t speak for all parents but I definitely thought about dying after my sons died. I thought seriously about jumping into the ground during each of their funerals. I agree with you – it is all part of the deal. The new normal that we have to live in without our children.

    You and Ronan are so inspiring. Thank you & take care. Fuck you cancer!

    Reply
  13. Lori

     /  February 29, 2012

    Glad you are sticking around, Maya. The world needs you. You have work to do. Ronan is so proud of his mama.

    Reply
  14. D Murray Armitage

     /  February 29, 2012

    Not all of us want to see you fail. Most of us want you to change the world and kick cancer’s ass. Most of us know you are going to make a difference. Most of us believe that you and Ro are the real thing – not just a fad – the real fucking thing.
    We follow your blog not bécanes it is like watching a train wreck but bécanes we believe YOU and RO are going to succeed and do it on your own terms.
    Because you ARE a Ninja Jedi Warrior Princess who takes no crap from anybody. You are the Rockstar.

    Reply
  15. Val

     /  March 1, 2012

    So glad you are going to stay around. Keep up the good work. Xo

    Reply
  16. bee

     /  March 1, 2012

    RO is such an inspiration and your story is a reality check for all of us. We need to beat the eff our of Cancer! I will joing a walk for the cure next week and Robabby will be one of the reason I am doing this!! as a friedns of mine said “Cancer need to get Cancer and DIE”
    Thanks for the inspiration. motivation and reality check!

    Reply
  17. Jakki

     /  October 30, 2012

    I believe in you. I believe in Ro!
    Your amazing and I’m so very sorry the love of your life died. Many hugs to you!
    Thanks for always keeping it real!

    Reply
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