In the words of Eddie Vedder…. I’m still alive. But do I deserve to be? Is that the question? If so, who answers…. who answers??


 

 

Ronan. I feel like I have run a marathon. I am emotionally beat, but my mind refuses to be still. I need you here. I need to tuck you in, to kiss you goodnight, to tell you I love you and to hear you tell me you love me back. I miss you so much that sometimes I think this pain might really kill me. I’m not that lucky because it never does. I just continue to feel like I am being stabbed over and over again. It is an endless, vicious cycle of pain and misery. It hurts to even breathe. But I’ve been productive. I spent the weekend, throwing myself into work for your foundation. I have so many ideas. I have come up with a new dream and vision. It’s HUGE. I think it’s slowly been in the back of my mind but it just become clear to me a few days ago, what it is that I think needs to be done. Not very many people know about it. I’ve only told a few as I think I need to keep this one to myself for a while, until I can get a handle on how this plan of mine, can actually become a reality. It could change so many things. It could help so many people. It’s just one of my dreams for this disease, just one of my many ideas. I’ve obsessed over it for days now. But it’s like slowly putting a puzzle into place. The pieces have to fit just right and it is not something that can be rushed. It has to be done just right, so eventually all the pieces will fit into place. It’s time to start working on the pieces baby. One by one.

So, I may be out of control with our little Taco place. I spent 3 days in a row there. 1 lunch, 1 dinner, and one very productive foundation work day. Turns out, you can hijack the wi-fi from the big restaurant across the street. SCORE for Team Ronan! I’m going to have to start up a Taco/Mexican Coke fund. I spent last night there with your fairy RoMo and Margarita. It was kind of a last-minute thing from your RoMo as she was like, “Hey, I’m thinking of changing my flight to stay an extra day!” My response was please do so, that way we can go and have more chips and salsa. So we did and I hijacked Margarita to come along with me. BEST NIGHT EVER. Is it bad, that my best nights ever now revolve around everything you?? Because to me, it means the world to me the way I get to sit around and throw out these ideas to people who care so much that they will give up their Saturday night to figure out what it is that we need to do to make these really, really great things happen?? Do you know what I was told last night?? That the word no, was not acceptable. That there is always a way to work around things to make things happen. I LOVE that. I need less no’s and more let’s find a way to fucking do this! Because so much needs to be done in a big way for pediatric cancer, to change things. Last night was so inspiring, so powerful, so moving. At one point, your RoMo just looked at me and goes, “I can’t explain this, Maya, because there is no explaining it. Ronan is changing everything. There is a shift and a movement happening. No other “sick,” child has had an effect on people like this.” I just quietly listened and told her I knew. We all know that this is beyond something bigger than us. I know that this is all due to you, your beauty our love, and your wild and free ways. It is too beautiful to try to explain with words. Let’s explain them with the huge things we are going to do in this world instead. We’ve got a pretty kick ass list of names that we are going to try to recruit to help us. It’s time for this world of ignoring childhood cancer, to change. Enough is enough. You should not have died. Let’s try to help other little one’s so that one day, they won’t have to either. I don’t think that’s too big of a job, do you? I know you don’t, otherwise you would not be pushing me forward to do this.

Today, I went back to our little Taco Shop with my imaginary board member that does not exist. We sat, went over the huge to do list. She gave up her Sunday, for me, for you, for us. What do I even say to that? Nothing. Because she does not want the huge fuss made about her, that I want to make. She just wants to be behind the scenes, helping us out in her quiet Wizard of Oz way. She is the freaking Wizard of Oz in a way that leaves me speechless. Speechless but tearful and thankful. Thanks, you know who you freaking are. Thanks for everything but most of all for looking at me today and going, “We can do this. This is easy.” Thanks for believing in me and Ro. Thanks for being just a kind-hearted, secret badass chick in general. You are quite simply, are RoMazing:) Oh, and little LoRo…. my other little amazing dolly who has worked so hard on the RoLove that she is creating….. I need to tell you thank you tonight. For not being a normal, 17-year-old girl. For being different in such a way that you have set the bar so high, for other girls your age. Your heart and the love that you have for Ronan and all these other cancer babes, is so beautiful and you are such a gem. Thank you for all of your hard work and love. I’m so thankful for you.

Alright, my spicy little monkey. It’s kind of late. My eyes are burning and I think I have to try to sleep. Not just for a few hours. Please. I just want some normal sleep. Not sleep which now seems to come in the form of fall asleep for a couple of hours and wake up to Ronan is dead. Ronan is gone. Nothing in the world is right so screaming voices take over in my head, instead. I’m sleeping in your bed tonight. Maybe this will help. It seemed to be working for a while. I hope it will work, tonight. I love you. I’m sorry. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. G’night baby doll.

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6 Comments

  1. Nothing but love tonight xo

    Reply
  2. “That the word no, was not acceptable. That there is always a way to work around things to make things happen. I LOVE that. I need less no’s and more let’s find a way to fucking do this!”
    THIS is why you and Ro are going to change the face of pediatric cancer. Because the word no is completely unacceptable. Screw “No”. A way will be found.

    And P.S. As you already know, count me in. I’m not accepting “no” anymore either. xoxoxo

    Reply
  3. Erica

     /  February 27, 2012

    What, no fucks tonight??

    Well, FUCKITY FUCK, YOU FUCKING INSPIRE THE FUCK OUT OF ME EVERY FUCKIN DAY.

    FUCK THAT RO IS GONE and FUCK CHILDHOOD CANCER!!

    (just wanted to make sure all those easily offended get their fill tonight)

    All my love, Maya ; )

    Reply
    • Maureen

       /  February 27, 2012

      LMAO!!!!! Erica- your post just made me laugh out loud! Thanks for that!

      Reply
  4. Lori

     /  February 27, 2012

    Love that quote of Robert Downey Jr.’s…that’s pretty much how I feel most of the time. Whatever you are working on, Maya, is going to come to life. No doubt about it. And I know that I want to be part of it. Keep taking just one step at a time…that is how things come to pass. Your vision will become a reality all because of your beautiful, light-filled baby boy. What a teacher to all of us he is. He may not be here physically but he will continue to live on through all of the children (and their families) whose lives will change.

    Reply
  5. Jaime H.

     /  February 27, 2012

    I’m glad you’re surrounded by soo many lovely peep’s!! Love to you today Miss Maya!! XO!

    Reply

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  • Instagram is my BFF

    Dedicated to my @macymwood. Ride or die for life. #ronan #fucancer #iwillloveyoutilltheendoftime #lanadelrey #iwouldmakeoutwithlana Hipsters. #ronan #fucancer #middleagedhipsters #youngforever #forgotourflowerheadbands #lanadelrae Been trying hard not to get into trouble... #ronan #fucancer #lanadelrae #mymusicalsoulmate @macymwood This is my happy place. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #hidingfromtheworld #sundaysnuggles @macymwood @knjoy Sundays are for sleep. @macymwood @knjoy #poppy #ronan #fucancer #sleepingbeauty #wornoutfromsomuchdancing Just making out with my favorite homegirl. #poppy #ronan #youdownwithopp? #yeahyouknowme #homegirllove #fucancer Poppy's other mom is in da house! #poppy #ronan #fucancer #mytwomoms #thesebitchesarecrazy @macymwood A bunch of little ballers and a P-Ro, too. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #basketballislife #arcadiatitans This has secretly been being worked on for quite some time. As you can imagine, it was a very emotional thing. We as board members/friends at RTF decided it was time for the little seal logo to go. We needed something that really spoke to who Ronan was/is. This is what our amazing friends at Fervor Creative came up with after many meetings with us and many do overs. (pro bono might I add because they have such beautiful hearts) I think they nailed it this time as it shows the beauty, strength and bravery that Ronan had, in such a simple way. How no matter what, you always keep walking up that hill and fighting, and even in death, you wont stop fighting for a world that so badly needs to be fixed which is the world of childhood cancer. Looking at this makes me proud, it makes me cry, it makes me strong. After everything Ronan went through, he always held his little chin up with such dignity and pride. At 3 years old, he was such a little man who never felt sorry for himself or let what he was going through get him down. He was my greatest teacher in life and will continue to be as I carry him with me in everything I do. I love you, Ronan. I will never stop fighting for you and this fucked up world of childhood cancer that everybody just seems to ignore. We will change this, because of you. I hope you all like our new Ronan Thompson Foundation design. @ronanfoundation #ronan My favorite place to be on a Friday night. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #fridaynightsnuggles #mybabe It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. #ronan #myneighboriscrazierthanyours #thisgoesoneveryday #neighborhoodproblems #movingtoiceland Poppy a.k.a the human garbage disposal. The girl loves her food. #poppy #ronan #avacadohummus #flowerchild @knjoy
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