Self control vs Self destruction. And Happy Fucking New Year.


Ronan. Happy Fucking New Year. No. There will never be anything “Happy,” about it again. This is how I know I will never be normal again. This is how I know, I will continue to live in Zombieland. Because everything stings so much that I can’t be among the living. Everyone is so busy being happy. It’s as if they have all forgotten about you. But what do I expect? For everybody to take this year off, from celebrating their beautiful lives? For the ball not to drop in New York City? Exactly. I told you life goes on for others.

We are back home and I’ll admit it, I’m acting like a brat. We got home on the night of our 10 year anniversary and I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t fake it at all. The happiness that I am supposed to feel. I am thankful….. For as much as I can be. But feeling happy just does not exist. Your daddy didn’t ask much, but the little he asked, I couldn’t do. All he wanted was some acknowledgment that our 10 years was a big deal. I gave him my snarky commentary about why the fuck does everyone make such a big deal about 10 years, when every year should be just as sacred and valued. I begged him to please just skip over the 10 years and next year we could do something nice. I don’t want to celebrate anything when everything feels so wrong. He told me he had a gift for me which made me lose it even more as I specifically told him there was nothing I wanted. He said he knew, but it was something he wanted me to have anyway. I pretty purple amethyst ring. I told him to take it back. He told me he wanted me to know how much he loved me. I begged and pleaded with him to take it away and told him I didn’t need things to know how much he loved me. That I already knew and would always know. He insisted that you would love for me to have it and that you would have told me how “cute,” I looked wearing it. I just laid in bed and sobbed while I kept one eye on your Urn. I made him take the ring away and told him I wasn’t worthy of pretty things because I let you die. I fell asleep in a puddle of my own tears. I had spent the day being so proud of myself for the stupidest things that I used to be able to do, in my sleep. I got your brothers from Portland to Phoenix, safe and sound, all by myself. I checked in our luggage. We had dinner at the airport. We made it through security, to our flight, and home. This is a big thing to accomplish, when you have a dead child. Traveling with 2, not 3 little guys was such a mental head game, that I really don’t know how I did it. But I did and I of course, did a fucking good job. Gold star for me. After we landed in Phoenix, I listened to myself, telling myself in my head, what a good job I had done. Then I went to, are you FUCKING kidding me? This is something that you now get to be proud of? Something you used to be able to do in your sleep? What kind of fuckery is this? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s the most fucking fucked kind of fuckery that exists. It is my life now.

I ran around all day Friday, catching up on things and being pissed off that I was wearing a strapless dress because it was hot enough in January, to do so. Bloody hell. Where was my rainy gloomy weather that is so able to explain how I feel, without me having to say a word? Where were my rain boots and dirty, muddy puddles of tears? The tears that I was able to take a break from crying because the weather was able to cry for me just for a bit so I let it. They were back in Washington, that’s where. So, I spent all Friday, running about being blinded by the fake plastic trees of this world that I feel like kicking the shit out of. Where I have to put on my fake, sunny smile because that’s what the weather wants me to do but Ro, I don’t want to do it. I want to go and live in my underground world with all the other bereaved parents of the world where happiness and sunshine no longer exist. I don’t want to have to listen to the others in the world as they complain about their bad days which include things like getting a flat tire or their nanny being sick. When I hear these things it is all I can do to not cover my ears and drop down into the fetal position. Maybe I should just start doing that. I wonder how different this world would be if we all acted the way we felt really felt instead of hiding everything behind our lipgloss and dark sunglasses. I’ll bet it would be a complete mess but at least it would be a TRUE complete mess and not so fake and insincere. I was also having some major mom guilt on Friday so one of my errands included going to the grocery store. You know how much I hate this now, Ro. I freeze up, freak out, and panic. I made myself do it because the thought of your brothers living off of processed food any longer is destroying me. I don’t cook anymore, unless you count cereal, frozen pizza, fruit or veggies. Your daddy has taken over the majority of the cooking. It is something that I used to live for back in the days when you were here and you were my favorite little helper. The two of us, cooking together, was my heaven. I wanted to make your daddy feel good by coming home to a home cooked meal, like he used to. The one he deserves to come home to, every night. I made it half way through my shopping, panicked over some mom who was pushing her little boy in the cart and almost abandoned all of my groceries to bolt for my car. I took a deep breath and stopped myself from doing so. I had to talk myself through every next step in order to get to finish up the shopping and get to the checkout line. I couldn’t get out of there, fast enough. I came home and whipped up dinner, without a recipe or anything. Just from memory only. The one that does not really exist anymore. I made your daddy and brothers, homemade Shepard’s Pie. Your daddy said it was the best one I had ever made and wanted to know what I had done differently. I wanted to tell him how the only thing I did differently was cry the entire time I was making it because I couldn’t stop thinking about how you wouldn’t be there, to eat it with us. Sitting down, at our dinner table with your seat, empty is also something that just kills me. So, I may have made dinner, but I couldn’t get out of the house fast enough for the plans I had made a few days in advance.

I spent Friday night with some girls which I never take the time to do anymore either. We didn’t go out, but rather stayed in, instead. I picked up Mandy Bee and we headed out to Kristi’s house for a special night which of course was inspired by you. The best nights, always are. I know you were there, I know you saw and that’s all I’m saying about our night, for now. It was a true rock and roll night, in the most innocent way possible. It was a night that for as painful as it was, I actually felt myself having fun. Thank you, K…. for such a wonderful night. I don’t get those very often anymore. It was nice to let everything slide away for a bit and get lost in a world of beauty parlors, some good reality T.V. laughs, and a little blood, too;) And Mizpah, Mandy Bee. Thank you. I love you my crazy stalker bestie. Thank you for not being afraid of the dark with me. No matter how scary it gets. And for breaking down my door when I won’t pick up the phone, the lights are off, the doors are barricaded shut but you somehow manage to break them down anyway. I know you didn’t know him, but how I wish you would have. Thank you for loving him like you did.

I don’t know what happened today except for we all slept in and that seemed to throw everything off. I woke up, did the big breakfast thing with your daddy and brothers, threw up, showered, and ran out to get your daddy’s car washed just to get out of the fucking house full of loud T.V. and noise. I ran to Smart and Final to stock up your brothers drinks for their school lunches. I had a panic attack in the parking lot and had the urge to do something really self-destructive. Anything. I seriously contemplated driving to the nearest bar to get shit faced drunk. And I don’t even drink, Ronan. But I wanted something, anything, to make this pain go away even if just for a short amount of time. I wanted a break or to feel something differently, than this. Anything. I sat, cried, almost did…..but did not. Self destruct or self control? Today, self-control won. I am scared for the day that it will not. I came home exhausted from the hour I spent crying, fell into bed and drifted in and out of sleep for the next 4 hours. I hid in our bed, until the bright sun disappeared and I had enough of dreaming the dreams where all I can seem to do, is cry and scream in them. I feel like I live in between two worlds. One of real reality and one of fake reality. They both suck and I can’t win either way. The dreams I dream of always involve watching myself cry due to this nightmare. Happiness does not exist, anywhere without you, Ronan. At least not for me…. not even in my dreams.

Alright baby boy. This is enough for tonight. I wish I had something happier to say… an ounce of hope to give you…. a glimmer of the happiness that I hope to one day be able to feel again. But this is me, today. This is the best I can do. I guess just be proud that I am here and I didn’t drive off the cliff that I made up in my head today. I love you so much. I miss you every second of every day. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Dear Lovely Little Blog Readers,

Thank you. For sticking with me. For hugging your kids tighter. For appreciating everything in your life, so much more than you did before you knew Ronan and our story. Thank you for helping me keep him alive by thinking about him, loving him, and letting him make you all better people. It keeps me going even during my darkest hours. I wish you all only health and happiness in 2012. Because we all know if health exists, then happiness does too. I love you. Ronan loves you. Please be safe! No drinking and driving!

xoxo

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34 Comments

  1. helena

     /  December 31, 2011

    Love you Maya…seriously….so drawn to this blog.. thinking of Ronan always.

    Reply
  2. Sounds like you could use some more time in Washington…it sounds like it soothes you and helps to heal you (or at least but fuckwad bob back in his box for a while). I hope you can get back there soon. I thought of you this new year’s eve, but then I think of you both every single day. There were no resolutions for me this year; the resolution for the rest of my life will be to keep Ronan’s memory alive for you and to spread awareness of childhood cancer. Thank YOU, Maya, for opening up our eyes and our hearts. May 2012 give you a little of the peace that we all wish for you.

    Reply
  3. dawn

     /  December 31, 2011

    A day does not go by that I do not think of you and your family. Ronan is all around us…I just wish he was here with you on earth. I get so pissed that he is not! I love you with all of my heart and want you to know how much we care for you and your family. xoxo

    Reply
  4. Natalie

     /  December 31, 2011

    Love you,Maya!

    Reply
  5. Happy New Year to you Maya. You have taught me so much since May. I wish things were different. I wish I could mail you an ounce of peace. I too wish for more “real” in this world of fake. I can’t seem to pull off superficial, ever. The one thing that you are so lucky for is friend’s that stick around for the rough times, I don’t have that. Loving the new word for my vocabulary, fuckery. I have always liked fuckhole, but there just might be a replacement. You are on my mind as always.
    J

    Reply
  6. Suzanne

     /  December 31, 2011

    Hi Maya,

    Every time I check into my e-mail I am hoping that there is a new letter from you to Ronan. I was thinking about you this evening and wondering if the New Year may be another difficult event for you. I am praying for you this evening and hoping that you find some peace and that it is not too painful. Your faithful readers (the ones that care about you, don’t have some aggenda to judge and be on their high horse) are pulling for you and wish you peace and healing in your own time this new year. Thank you for mentioning us readers who care–we are so glad we are helping you. I may not have experienced your horrible heart break, but I am a Mom, and I am one of those moms who hug and hold their children tighter because of you. Hang in there Maya.

    Reply
  7. amy

     /  December 31, 2011

    Was thinking of you and your Ro baby as the new year rang in…the first song that played in 2012 was “party like a rock star” I shared your story with everyone around me. Thank you for being so true and honest…you have given me the greatest gift of appreciation.

    Reply
  8. michelle

     /  December 31, 2011

    I cry every time I read one of your leTters. It is full of truth. Down right honest truth and pain. Makes me want to reach out and say it isn’t your fault. Your kids and husband need you. Your child would want you to be happy and for them to be happy. But then that would not help a bit as the pain is real and no amount of what anyone else says will ever take away that pain. I wish more people were so honest. The world would make a lot more sense. Definitely agree with you on that! people would see it really doesn’t make sense at all.

    Reply
  9. Adele

     /  December 31, 2011

    Maya,
    This blog is changing people’s self-centered lives and waking them up to appreciate what they have every day. I am so very sorry that you have had to endure this horrible nightmare. Your love story of Sweet Ronan is so special that no one can ever truly even begin to understand. I just want you to know how much I admire your openess on this part of your life, for without your story, many of us would still be oblivious to this fucking disease.

    By the way I don’t think it is wrong to tell people to go fuck themselves. Adults do not even realize the stupid things that come out of their mouths. Yes, it is pretty blunt to do so, but, boy does it feel good! (Just telling someone they are an idiot just doesn’t work sometimes!)

    Reply
  10. Michelle H.

     /  December 31, 2011

    Dearest Maya~ Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you this new year’s eve, praying that this next year will bring you more frequent glimpses of happiness and bring you some sense of peace. Im glad you were able to have some fun the other night with your friends. Big hugs to you…xo

    Reply
  11. Tomi M

     /  January 1, 2012

    Maya,
    I’m sure you are beyond tired of hearing this, but I am one of the many people whose lives have been changed by you and Ronan’s story. I am a stay at home mother to 4 beautiful children, and in the past felt very overwhelmed and frustrated by the demands. I won’t lie, I still get frustrated, but it’s not the same now. I am actually thankful for the chaos. I am so sorry for your loss, I can’t even express the pain I feel for you. I just wanted you to know, that it has made a difference in my life, and a positive one. My heart and soul hurt for you, woody, liam and quinn; today and everyday Maya. Hope that in the new year you can find some comfort, no matter how.

    Reply
  12. Christina

     /  January 1, 2012

    First of all – Fuckery is a fantastic word. I thought of you all today and at midnight just as I do every day at the most random and real moments. Like when I’m putting my naighty 2 year old in a ‘time-out’ and I think about his minor infraaction and how it doesn’t matter. Re: your post today I think you should act how you feel when you hear of some whiner complaining about her pathetic ‘Real Housewives’ life. I think you should stand in the middle of Starbucks and yell ‘ Quit your whining!’ And then add whatever you want to put them in their place (ie their children are alive, they can afford Starbucks etc) Maya – you deserve to scream the truth wherever you want.
    Your devoted reader,
    Christina

    Reply
  13. Robin

     /  January 1, 2012

    Thank you Maya for the honor of sharing your
    Ronan with us and letting us know and love him. I am so sorry your little star is not wih you where he belongs. That is just so messed up! FU cancer you messed with the wrong Mama!!! Wishing Ro visits u tonite! xoxo

    Reply
  14. Jaime H.

     /  January 1, 2012

    Oh Maya :( Thank you, for sharing Ronan and your lives with us! You are helping show people what is really important! Still think of Ronan every single day and of you, too. Pray for you, sorry it’s been rough since you got home. May 2012 bring some peace, blessing your way, you so deserve it! Much love to you tonight, xoxo

    Reply
  15. You are so strong to have made it this far Maya.
    xo E

    Reply
  16. Kim

     /  January 1, 2012

    I am forever changed because of you and Ronan. It has made me be a better parent and if I see parents not appreciating their children, I always point them toward your blog. You are constantly on my mind and I worry about you but am also so inspired by you. I wish it didn’t have to happen…I’m just so sorry Maya.

    Reply
  17. Had my purple stars ROckstar Ronan ring on tonight. He is always in my thoughts and heart. I wish you some peace in 2012. Love you Ms.RoMama (: <3333

    Reply
  18. Every time I read a post, you wake me up to something new. I will never again complain about having to go to the grocery store, knowing that you have to struggle through every step there just to buy your food. I try to understand as best I can what you are going through and sometimes think I might understand a tiny shred of how you might feel. Then I read a post like this and realize that I never had any clue. But I will never stop trying to understand, and do anything I can to help. I hope in 2012 you will find a few moments to escape and we will see that real smile like from your gun club photo again. :)

    Hugs

    Reply
  19. marni

     /  January 1, 2012

    i can’t imagine … and i’m such a coward that even going there in my mind terrifies me so much that i have to step back, shut the door and run. i’ve never read anything where the words draw me in and make me so angry and helpless. your raw honesty is a gift to others although i know all you want is your ro back. i’m so sorry.

    Reply
  20. There hasn’t been a day go by, since I started reading your blog almost a year ago, that I don’t think of you and Ronan.

    I wish it were different. I wish that I had no idea who you were, and that you and Ro weren’t in my thoughts on a daily basis, because that would mean Ronan was still here.

    For 2012 I hope the ‘simple’ things get easier for you. I hope that breathing doesn’t hurt as much, and that the food stays down. I hope that you find a little bit of peace knowing that you did everything you could for Ronan, and that you guys made the best decisions from what was available.

    xoxo

    Reply
  21. katherine

     /  January 1, 2012

    Happy New Year Maya!

    I’m so glad you were able to enjoy a night with your friends. You need that and you deserve that.

    P.S. Safeway delivers…just order online ;)
    Safeway.com

    Reply
  22. Thank you Maya and Ronan. I hate cancer (and the holidays) too. Sending you peace and hugs. Fuck you cancer!! Take care. xoxo

    Reply
  23. My kids are fighting again. My 2 year old just climbed up onto the kitchen counter to get into the cookies. My 4 year old is yelling at her sister because shes not playing the “right way”. They both are being extremely emotional and naughty today. Instead of yelling at them, instead of getting frustrated with them, instead of putting them in timeout or giving spankings, we are dancing. And singing. Although, its not very good singing. I am telling my kids that they are important. And loved. And strong. And great. And yes, my 4 year old repeats that to me everyday and my 2 year old pretends to have muscles.:) And you know how I can do this?? Because of YOU. And RO. And your FAMILY. You are my inspiration to be better in all aspects of my life, and to be thankful for everything, even when im super fucking annoyed. I dont take anything for granted anymore. Every second matters. Thank you Maya. Happy new year, from my spicy kids and I to you and yours. I have a feeling that amazing things are going to happen this year.

    Reply
  24. Glenda

     /  January 1, 2012

    Maya,
    My heart aches for you… Peace & strength…
    I had a dream that I finally got to meet you… strange I bet… but I think of you and Rockstar Ro always…
    xo

    Reply
  25. amy

     /  January 1, 2012

    I had a friend who lit up a cigarette last night….i showed her Ro’s picture….she just texted me that she is quitting smoking…she said she woke up this morning with his picture in her head and she thought it was so unfair that he didn’t get a choice….she said she is going to look at his picture if she ever thinks about smoking again….. What a special boy you have….

    Reply
  26. Carolyn

     /  January 1, 2012

    What a sweet picture of that naked little rascal. I hope 2012 sees your pain let up, even if its just a little. I am always thinking about you two.

    Reply
  27. sara maurer

     /  January 1, 2012

    Hugs and love to you Maya!!

    Reply
  28. Maya,
    Well “the most fucking fucked kind of fuckery” made me laugh out loud. Love this and may use it in the future ;)

    Not a day, sometimes not an hour, goes by without thinking of you and/or Ronan. When I see an almost 4 yr old, when I see purple (like the sky when I was driving home from work last week, the whole sky was purple, and I said “Oh, Ro, that is beautiful”), when I hear Taylor Swift, when I see someone wearing a Fedora (no one can wear it like Ro), when I see Star Wars stuff, when I see a mountain, when I see Paul Frank Monkeys, when I sit at Starbucks. Those are just a few things that make me think of you two.

    I don’t want to say that I love my kids more because I know Ro’s story, because I don’t think I could love them anymore than I do, they are my world. But I can say that I TELL them a lot more, like everytime I see them or they leave a room, I tell them I love them. I hug them more (my 12 yr old son does not appreciate this) but no matter who is around, where we are, if I feel like hugging him, he’s getting hugged. I take inventory of the little things that normally would pass us by in a regular day, and I treasure them b/c those are the things that matter, the little questions they ask, the story they have to tell about their day. Hearing about that is so much more important than the news on the radio or tv or any song playing. I admit, I used to take a lot of that for granted…or think to myself, is this kid ever gonna stop talking?? I pray he never will.

    My baby is 20 mos now, he has light brown hair and bright blue eyes. Today I went food shopping with him. When we are in the store, sometimes it’s as if we are the only ones there…he still sits in the cart and we chat and love on each other. I often forget a lot of things I meant to get b/c I get so wrapped up in playing with him. Then today, I came home and read your post. I stopped suddenly and wondered if there was a bereaved mom in that store today, did she see me and Luke? Did I break her heart into a million pieces? And if I did I am sorry. Many times I have gone to the store and thought of you, Maya. Thought how you used to love to go, and how you now hate it. I go and I think of you walking through the aisles, how on earth do you have the strength for such a mundane task? How do you just not throw products down the aisles or at the stupid peoople who ask you stupid fucking questions like how many kids you have? I don’t blame you for hating the grocery store, have you tried online grocery shopping? Some stores even deliver to your home.

    Happy Fucking New Year, Maya. Thank you for being true and real. Thank you for sharing your Ro with us. I take him with me wherever I go. I share him with whomever will listen. I love him everyday and believe that if anyone can make a difference in childhood cancer, that person is you. Fuck you Cancer, Maya and her Mafia have arrived!!

    Reply
  29. Molly Nygren

     /  January 2, 2012

    Hi,
    I have been visiting your postings since Ronan’s Chemo treatments. During that time I was in nursing school taking notes from you on how to become a good nurse for the futures patients I will take care of one day. I also have a son the same age as Ronan. I get a group blog from your site every Monday morning. I have to finally tell you after all of this time- when I am reading your posts my boy walks up to me and tells me how much he loves me. Clarke (my boy) also tells me how he loves me to the moon and back.
    Your words, your real words are honest and not there to make everyone else feel better. Because of you I tell people about Ronan, and about the reason why I want to be a pediatric oncology nurse. Thank you Ronan, Mya, husband, and kids.

    Reply
  30. L

     /  January 2, 2012

    I love reading the beautiful love stories (comments) of how mommies are taking extra time with their kids (me included) all while you are writing your love story to your baby. How a mommy was dancing with her kids rather than scolding them for doing something naughty. Or how even when a mom knows her kids are stalling to go to bed by asking for extra kisses, she gives them extra kisses. Maya, this is beautiful. The way it should be. They way kids should know life. I too find myself thinking of you and Ronan when I’m ready to have a mommy meltdown or when the kids are up to something. Although you are missing your Ronan, there are so many of us who dearly love the person who writes to her little boy. In the name of Ronan, children are being loved and kissed and danced with instead of scolded, etc. It is because of your words that are changing people. Your love for Ronan is spreading through us, your readers.

    I have another suggestion for your bucket list. Walk on fire (rocks, coals or whatever it is they use)….I don’t know why but this intrigues me. When I was watching TV the other day and saw this, I thought of you.

    I don’t know you, but I hope to run into you one day so we can say fuck words together! :)

    Much love to you. <3

    Reply
  31. D. Murray Armitage

     /  January 2, 2012

    My New Year’s wish for you is fewer assholes, more rock and roll nights with besties, health for you, Woodie, the twins and your extended families, a lot fewer assholes, only positive comments on your blog, a little progress on your daily journey through hell, no assholes at all, major progress on the foundation, and enough strength to overlook the inevitable judgemental assholes that just don’t seem to be able to leave you alone. But most of all love and understanding from all readers.

    Reply
  32. jen

     /  January 3, 2012

    Maya keep the ring. The beautiful purple amethyst reminds me of ronans purple star

    Reply
  33. Jackie Guthrie

     /  November 8, 2012

    Maya, I’ve been reading your blog for the last few weeks. Started at the beginning and I’m just now here at the end of December 2011. I have cried so many tears with you, for you, for your family, and most especially for Ronan. Cancer has touched me too, I had Ovarian Cancer back in 1996, but I am “cured” as they say. At any rate, I don’t care about that, or me, I just know that Ronan and you have touched my heart so deeply, that every day tears flow from my eyes. I want to reach out to you, to make your pain go away, but I know that only you, with Ronan’s help, can do that. I have a grandson who is 2 and he is the love of my life. I’ve always loved him, held him close and wanted only good things for him. But, now.. because of Ronan, I hold him tighter, I play with him harder, and I love him stronger than ever before. You and Ronan have made me realize how fragile life really is. Especially for our children. I can only imagine your pain, because every day I wake up and think of you and Ronan. Every day. I, like you, am not a “god” person, but I do send good thoughts and prayers (if you will) out to you EVERY single day. I hope that someday you learn to forgive yourself (I read your words that are current also, and I know you are expecting a baby girl, Poppy), and I know still have not forgiven yourself. Maya, your pain is so deep, and it hurts my heart so much, that being old enough to be your mother, just makes me want to take that pain from you, so you can breathe again. So you can sleep again. So you can stop throwing up. I would sincerely take that pain from you if I could. I also know that right now, you need to feel that pain. Without this blog and without that pain, you would feel like Ronan was gone, and that is the only way you know how to be his mother now. I get that, Maya. I totally do. I don’t know how deep your pain is, but I know that my heart hurts like hell, and I want Ronan back for you!! Fuck Cancer and the fact that it took your little not spicey monkey away from you!! I hate that, Maya! I hate it! Ronan has touched my heart deeper than anyone dead or alive. My grandson ( one of 5) is the love of MY life, and while I love them all.. he has my heart. I get you Maya.. I do. Please know that someone here in California.. a grandmother, a mother, a loyal reader is sending you love, compassion and strentgh through cyber space. Stay strong Maya…. Ronan will get you through this.
    Much love to you and yours..

    Reply
  34. Molly

     /  January 7, 2013

    He look so much like woody in that picture. His beauty is like nothing I’ve ever seen before, saying he is “beautiful” is an understatement. There is no word out there to describe how gorgeous he is.

    Reply

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