Hell is empty and all the Devils are here


Ronan. Cancer is stupid. And people are stupid. I try to ignore the stupid people of the world the best I can but sometimes they get under my skin. I try not to let them but as it turns out, I’m still human. For as dead as I feel I guess I’m really not because I am still able to feel. I wish I really were a dead zombie. Then I wouldn’t be bothered by these stupid, ignorant people. I would just rip their hearts out and eat them and then maybe they would be able to feel a quarter of the pain that I feel on a daily basis. Only in Zombieland, right buddy. Sometimes the stupid people of the world say stupid things like, “You know, there are other mothers out their who have lost children. You’re not the only one.” My reply is, “Really? No shit, asshole.” Please hold on a minute while I punch you in the throat. It is as if they are trying to compare my pain, to somebody else’s. Or justify it by saying there is someone else out there, who has it worse. I am not ignorant. I am aware of the other people out there who have lost their children. But guess what? They didn’t have a Ronan. So there is no comparing or justifying. You were mine and therefore, nobody else knows what this is like. I don’t care if they too, have lost a child. This pain is my own, this sadness is my own, this experience is my own. I would never tell another parent, “Oh, I know exactly how you feel.” Because I don’t. I understand some aspects of it. I can relate but to each his own. I am learning to be respectful of that for others going through this process. I’m still new at this game but this is something that I have learned. Unless you had a Ronan, you don’t fully know.

I survived Christmas? I survived Christmas. It was brutal. I took some time in the morning, before I got up and just cried for you. After that, I was able to go downstairs to watch your brothers open gifts and enjoy Christmas the way 8 year olds should. It was as nice as it could possibly be. All that mattered is I was able to get out of bed and watch as your brothers smiled, giggled, and laughed. I lasted a couple of hours but then the pain became too much and I had to retreat up to my old bedroom where you and I spent all last summer cuddling and whispering secrets to each other. I passed out for a few hours. I dreamed of you. This is the second time in a month that I have seen you in my dreams. They are never pleasant and it is always the same theme. You looking at me. I’m trying to save you, but I can’t. I know you are dying, but you always look peaceful. Thanks for that, little man. My heart was extra heavy on Christmas for another mama. Another mama who wrote to me a few days before Christmas to tell me thank you. I was sick to my stomach after her email. I don’t want a thank you from another mama because her baby girl died of Neuroblastoma. She died on December 7th, this year. This mama told me it was because of what I had written about you after you passed away, that she was able to tell her Charlotte all the things she wanted to say, right before she died. I don’t remember what I wrote about you and I don’t want to know. I guess I am glad it helped somebody else although I wish I didn’t have to. I wish I could give her Charlotte back. I told her I was sorry. I wish I had some wise words for her. I didn’t. Sorry was the best I could do. She told me how she just wants to be with Charlotte. I told her I knew. Oh, how I know.

Yesterday, I spent the day in Portland with your daddy. You know how Portland is one of my favorite cities. It was a nice day. We grabbed lunch. I ate a bit of soup but that was all I could manage to keep down. We talked. But not about normal things anymore. Our talk revolved around everything cancer. I played the game that I am so good at playing now which is we didn’t choose the right treatment. If we did, Ronan would still be here. Should we have done this? Should we have done that? We picked the wrong treatment for him. He insists that we did not. He insists the outcome would have been the same, no matter what. I still don’t believe him. But I guess I have little credibility due to being the irrational broken-hearted mama. I don’t need credibility though. I just need someone to figure out this fucking disease. I need the doctors to get a clue as to what it is they are doing so little kids don’t have to sit around playing russian roulette. I’m not stopping until this changes Ro. I promised you that. After the talk about you we moved on to other fun things like Coach Bemis. The coach in AZ who has Stage IV lung cancer and he is NOT a smoker. We moved on to Katie who is the beautiful 15-year-old girl with Rhabdomyosarcoma. We talked about Charlotte, Will, Dr. Sholler, Dr. Mosse, etc….. We will never be the normal couple again who goes to lunch and talks about the weather. We both agreed that this world is fucked. But we left there, holding hands and we’re not letting go. We know what we have to do.

We walked the streets of 23rd for a while. We passed a boy playing his guitar. He was really good. He had his guitar case open so people could throw money in it. He looked to be around 15. He had a sign sitting in his guitar case. It wasn’t the normal sign that read something like, “Help me, I’m hungry.” It simply said, “Help Fight Boredom.” I smiled and laughed as we passed this boy. I looked at your daddy. I had your daddy give me a couple of bucks and I turned around and walked back to this boy. I threw it into his case as well as your little card and your “All good things are wild and free,” bracelet. He said thanks and continued to play. I caught back up to your daddy and we started to walk. I noticed the boys’ guitar playing had stopped. I turned around to watch him read your bracelet. I watched from a far as he read it. He looked up and waved to me, the girl in the yellow coat. I waved back. That boy made me happy today. He reminded me of you. I hope he never gets cured of his boredom. I hope he remains curious to the world and follows his dreams. I hope he has a mom and a dad who know how lucky they are, to have him. I hope he is safe. I hope he is o.k. I hope he is wild and free. This is what I hoped today, Ronan. It felt nice.

Dear lovely little blog reader: I will address your questions but only because you have pissed me off and I am feeling extra spicy today. Here goes dolly.

Why is it ok to take Ambien, but not an anti-depressant? I think you are being slightly hypocritical. You need something to get out of the abyss you are in – other than your youngest son, which, while totally un-fucking fair, will not happen. The fact that you didn’t care if your older sons’ had winter coats speaks volumes. Christmas Eve and you hadn’t bought your twins any presents??? You need some help. You think you might need to check into a hospital…what do you think they are going to do there? I’ll tell you, they will load you up with anti-depressants. They will monitor your food intake and your vomiting. You will lose the control you so relish. The choices will be taken away from you.

You need to talk to a physician. Your constant vomiting is obviously not healthy – don’t your other sons deserve the same mom that lovingly helped her youngest son? While I’m not suggesting you are bulemic, have you ever read what constant vomiting does to your body, your throat, your teeth? Or is this part of your “danger” crusade?

No, I have never lost a child, so I’m sure that will make you totally disregard my opinion, but do you ever re-read your posts? You are on the edge and if you don’t get some perspective, you are going to fall off. Where will that leave your already devastated family?

It is NOT o.k. to take Ambien. For me anyway. I think this drug is the devil. Obviously you are a new reader and have not read all of my posts, therefore you are the one being hypocritical. I talk about this all this time. I hate myself for the fact that I sometimes have to take this drug in order to sleep. Not all the time, but it is during the times that I am struggling the most, when I know the lack of sleep is going to make the crack, so I give in and just take it to get some fucking sleep. It makes me feel mentally weak. It makes me feel like a loser. It makes me feel a lot of things that I hate but sometimes I need a break from the pain and sleep for a solid 6 hours seems to help. This is not always the case and I am proud of the nights that I don’t have to take anything at all. I try every night, not to take that drug but as I said before, sometimes I need a break.

Why is everyone so bothered by me not getting on the antidepressant band wagon? SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! If it helps other people, great! But it’s not for me. I did the anti depressant thing for about 6 months and it only made things worse. I have tried it, and I didn’t like it. END OF STORY. The abyss I am in is called my son just died 7 months ago. I am so sorry you are so bothered by this inconvenience. I am so sorry that you are so bothered by the fact that I didn’t care about my twins’ winter fucking coats and Christmas presents this year. Lady, are you high?!?! Are you on crack? Are you even a parent? Probably not. If you are, I am scared for you. The fact that you think the above things above are a big deal, in the grand scheme of things, disturbs me. I’m a good mom. I know this. I will never second guess this and anybody that truly knows me, wouldn’t either. Even if I didn’t go out and buy winter coats or Christmas presents this year. I think I deserve a fucking hall pass for this first Christmas, don’t you? I don’t care if you do or not. I’m taking it.

And no. I do not re read my posts. For obvious reasons. Maybe you should go back to the beginning and read them all though, before you judge and spew your words of concern. I’m going to go now. I’m off to go skydiving while I throw up my breakfast to continue my “danger crusade.” Opps. I didn’t eat breakfast today which must mean I’m anorexic. Clearly. I am aware what this constant vomiting does to my body. I’m not proud of this but it’s not something I can control right now. I guess having a dead son will do that to you. I hope the hospital that I am going to check myself into, can bring him back so it will stop. Have a lovely day, thanks for your concern but I think you need to go back and reread what you wrote and try a little harder to put yourself in my shoes. This is not a dog we are talking about, dying. It is a child. It was my son. It is not something a fucking pill can make better. Or a hospital. G’day lovely little blog reader.

Ro baby. I love you. To the moon and back. I miss you. I hope you are safe. I hope you are wild and free.

xoxo

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70 Comments

  1. a- fucking men!!!
    I am glad you got through the day! I think of your sweet Ronan always!

    Reply
  2. Allison

     /  December 27, 2011

    Well done, Mama

    Reply
  3. Glenda

     /  December 27, 2011

    Maya,
    I’m glad for you, Woody, Liam and Quinn that you had an OK few hours of Christmas.
    Thinking of you and Rockstar Ro! Always Ro!!!
    You shouldn’t have to explain anything to your lovely blog reader… this is your life and your letters to Ro…and with that FUCancer!!!!
    Peace and Strength!!!
    xo

    Reply
  4. Marcia

     /  December 27, 2011

    I’m not a parent and therefore have never lost a child of my own. But I get it in my own way. I refuse to judge you for how you are getting through this, Maya. I am simply glad you are doing the best you can each and every day. People who have never experienced a loss like yours cannot comprehend what you are going through. It’s easier for them to say, take a pill and it will all be better. But antidepressants don’t work for everyone. I believe that if you had a physical reason (lack of the right chemicals in your brain) the pills would work. You don’t have that. You have a loss, a whole in your soul that will always be there and no amount of antidepressants will fix it. So I don’t judge you. I love and support you in every way you handle things. No parent should have to lose a child. And NO ONE ELSE had the right to tell that grieving parent how to “get on with their life” ever! Love you!

    Reply
  5. Lisa McCarthy

     /  December 27, 2011

    GOOD JOB MAYA!!! I LOVE READING YOUR TRUE WORDS~ IT PUTS A SMILE ON FACE=)
    i too, lost a child. i too, know how hard it is to get up everyday and have to put on the fake face for your family, co workers, friends. this world is a fucked up place where it is wrong apparently for anyone to grieve they way they need too. you are an awesome butterfly and i hope you keep spreading your wings… keep rockin mama…

    Reply
  6. INCA!!! You are such a bad ass!!! :). I love that!! I’m off to find something outrageously naughty to do with my kids, just because of you and Ronan!!!! :)

    Reply
  7. jennifer

     /  December 27, 2011

    I dont know why so many of the readers want you on some pill to try and kill some of the pain. Um hello people she lost her sweet little boy just a short time ago, how the fuck is she supposed to be acting? I also think its incredibly sad that someone would make a dumb ass comment about no presents on Christmas eve, I personally cant even imagine how Maya didnt take something just to sleep through Christmas, because I know that is what I would have wanted to do. The pain of not seeing one of your children having a wonderful time on Christmas would be far to much to handle, so why dont you all try and think about that!

    Reply
  8. Maya,
    As a mother who has lost a child to Neuroblastoma I cannot express enough how I admirer your courage in writing the truth about your loss. Furthermore, I found your website during the most painful week for me, as my son died two days before Christmas and the pain in always there when the Holiday’s come around every year.
    I admirer your truthfulness and there will always be people out there who just don’t get it! Furthermore, this journey of grief is yours, and you do not have to answer nor explain your actions to anyone.
    I want to thank you for this wonderful website as it help me get through the Holiday’s as I had a sense of comfort in reading your blog, and reading about your beautiful son Ronan.

    Take care,
    Kathleen

    Reply
    • Carolyn

       /  December 28, 2011

      Kathleen, I am so sorry. I don’t know how you get through the holidays, it makes me feel sick to think about how you must feel. I am just very sorry.
      Carolyn

      Reply
      • Carolyn,
        Thank you for your kind words and I appreciate your thoughtfulness is replying to my post. I will be truthful and tell you that as the years have gone by, I am now able to enjoy the Holiday’s with my other children and the hole that was once in my heart due to the loss of my son Tony has gotten smaller over the years. However, not a day goes by that I don’t think about Tony and I often find myself wondering about the milestones that have been missed as the years have gone by.
        For this reason, I do understand the pain of what Maya is experiencing and only she can go through the pain and grief in the way she finds best.

        Thanks again Carolyn for your kind words and it is nice to know that you took the time to respond to my posting

        Happy Holiday’s…
        Kathleen

    • Carolyn

       /  December 31, 2011

      Kathleen, I could not reply to your post above, but I wanted to say that it makes me feel better that time has brought you some relief. I hope that gives Maya hope too that life goes on after all seems lost. I will think about you and your family in the New Year, I am sure that Tony was a precious little soul, and one day I hope you see him again. Take care, and Happy Holidays to you too, Kathleen.
      Take care,
      Carolyn

      Reply
  9. Maybe if you started drinking. or running wild people would think you were dealing with your grief the right way. Oh no, Mayas actually taking care of her kids, shes actually being a mommy and a wife, shes putting on a happy face… oh well, Maya must not be grieving at all and thats just wrong. Oh Maya didnt buy her kids xmas presents early, she didnt get them coats in arizona, she takes ambien SOMETIMES to sleep…. well that must mean shes damn near suicidal huh? Holy fuck, is there no middle ground??? Do any of you really know what its like?? Who are you to judge Maya on how she is handling things?? Stop judging her. This is a BLOG. if she cant let out her true words and feelings here, where can she? if you dont like it, dont read it. Shush up. Go live in your little perfect world where nothing ever bad could ever happen. Maya come on, lets go ninja chop some people and teach em whats up.

    Reply
  10. Desiree

     /  December 27, 2011

    I’m in shock at what that reader said to you, Maya. I’m so sorry for the ignorant people in the world! OMG! You have a free hall pass for the rest of your life, for anything and everything you need to use it for. Every single day if you want it. For every asshole who writes something so stupid and heartless on here, please try to remember alllll the others who love and support you 1,000%… I live IN Washington and still didn’t have winter coats or rubber boots for my kids until about 2 weeks ago. And I haven’t lost a child. Who the F$%# cares! And getting the presents on Christmas Eve? Who the F#$% cares! You are amazing, you got up on Christmas morning to be with your twins, and you DID IT…. THAT is all your family needs, not coats or presents. You could have stayed in bed and never faced the day, but you did it. Keep going Maya, you are an amazing momma and wife, and your boys ALL know this. And so does all of Maya’s Mafia, even those you’ve never met, like me. :) xoxoxoxox

    Reply
    • I live in Longview, WA too and guess what??? I didn’t get my kids winter coats until December 23rd! And I did ALL of my Christmas shopping on December 24th! Does that make me a bad mom? The judging of Maya needs to stop… Hang on Maya xoxoxoxo

      Reply
    • charlotte

       /  December 30, 2011

      I was thinking that exact same thing! I waited just a few weeks ago to get my twins their coats, and shopped all day on the 23rd/24th! Had I gone thru the loss of a child, Xmas would have to pass me by. And…I several people who, sadly, lost a loved one this year and they too chose too “pass” on Xmas. Maya-your strength, honesty, love and devotion is such an inspiration!!

      Reply
  11. HBM

     /  December 27, 2011

    It shocks me that you have readers that feel that way and question you the way they do. I guess because I’m constantly in awe of you, that I assume every one else reading feels the same way I do, so I’m sincerely surprised when you post otherwise. One huge hug from Michigan, Maya. And ps… I have a sister in Portland. It put a smile on my face just knowing you guys were roaming the same streets this week:)

    Haneen

    Reply
  12. Lisa

     /  December 27, 2011

    Maya, please know how much you have changed people’s lives and how many of us are so protective of you (even though I’ve never met you) and support you through this awful journey. My life and my childrens’ lives have changed for the better because of you. You have no idea the impact you have had; you are an amazing person in immeasurable ways. I have no words of wisdom for you, since I have never been in your shoes (as NO ONE has). Just know that I am so sorry for the pain and loss that you have had and will continue to deal with for the rest of your life. Damn the idiots who judge you and think they have all the answers; they are pathetic people! Just keep being you! Hugs to you and your family:)

    Reply
  13. Liz

     /  December 27, 2011

    Maya – I have followed your blog since April and have read back all the way from the beginning, and while I sometimes feel like I have known you and Ronan and the boys forever, like you have all always been a part of my life, the truth is this is your journey with your family, and only yours. I will admit that there are some days I am so scared for you. Your words are so raw and honest and hit so brutally hard that it is close to impossible to not feel them right to the core. Some days your letters to Ronan make me upset, some days they make me laugh, other days they make me angry, and sometimes they make me want to take my son and hold him so tight and never let him go. But no matter HOW they make me feel, I love to read your letters simply because they make me FEEL! I cannot imagine what you are going thru, and I pray I never have to. You are doing the only thing a bereaved mother can do, which is get thru each day one at a time. There are thousands and thousands of readers on your side, on Team Maya and Team Ronan., who always have and always will support you as best we can. Sometime support doesn’t mean you have to agree with the how or what someone is doing. We all know you are not going thru this without help. We all know that Dr JoRo is there with you, and we also know that she would never steer you wrong, and if she ever felt like you were physically in danger, she would be the first to tell you. So feel free to tell “Betsy” to shove it up her ass as she clearly is a schmuck! Just keep being true to yourself and Ronan will always shine his light on the right path for you! Sending love and prayers and good ju-ju your way!

    Reply
    • Carolyn

       /  December 28, 2011

      Liz just said everything I would say if I could express myself as well.

      Reply
  14. Ali

     /  December 27, 2011

    Glad you got through Christmas but beyond pissed that people who don’t know you, haven’t just lost their child and aren’t fucking doctors have the nerve to judge you and your inferno fuckwad bob. Had the read your blog properly they would know that you are weekly help from dr Jo who is guiding you through- who has saved your life- without drugs. There is n

    Reply
    • Ali

       /  December 27, 2011

      (pressed post before I’d finished…stupid phone)…there is nothing wrong with you except your baby died. Thats not an illness that requires you to pop pills. You shouldn’t need to respond to those people, maya…looks like your Mafia were ready to put them back in their box for you!

      Reply
      • Ali

         /  December 27, 2011

        Feel free to delete this whole post, Maya. Stupid phone and auto correct! *seeking not weekly (in first post). Next time I’ll use my lap top. I at least hope this frustratig post made you crack a smile.

  15. Seriously? Some people will find ways to judge you no matter what you do. I am really sorry for this lovely little blog reader and I am embarrassed for her too. Like you said, Maya, no one can understand unless they have lost a Ronan too. Only you are an expert on grieving for Ro. Only you. You are not a child – you are in your thirties and you are relatively sane (most of the time, anyway). You do not need to listen to these people, dear girl. Just keep on keeping on. It’s only been 7 months so give yourself a pass. People may not understand, but there are more out there who do. And Ronan? Ronan will always be your wild and free baby. Always. Love and hugs and prayers!

    Reply
  16. Jamie H.

     /  December 27, 2011

    Pretty unfucking believable how ignorant some people are. I’m shocked that someone read your blog about the “no winter coat and no present buying until Xmas eve” and that’s what they focused on. Actually, I’m not shocked. I’d like to kick this person in the fucking head. I live just south of Longview, WA and my kids wear sweatshirts outside. People need to stop telling you to take a pill. It’s your body and you know it the best. No pill in the world is gonna make your heart start healing. Much love Maya. You know I think about you about 37 times a day. Maybe even more.

    Jamie Harms

    Reply
  17. T.M.

     /  December 27, 2011

    Maya,

    We love Katie Wagner here in Anthem. Saw you mentioned her in your blog and am so glad you know of her. Our community has done so much for the family and it makes me proud to live here. I talk about you with my husband all the time. It makes me proud to know you live here too. People should know, that for those who survive this horrible disease……their life is not always what it once was. Love your posts….love you. Thanks for all you do. I’m heading to the Garage this week to get the family bracelets for the new year…..

    Reply
  18. Julie

     /  December 27, 2011

    Maya I have a 3 year old, and if I lost him I would not be able to leave my room, I could not function and I’m pretty sure Id have to be permanently locked in a padded room so I would’nt try everday to go be with him, 7 months is so fresh, FUCK that person who thinks they know how you are supposed to cope, you CAN NOT cope after losing a child its just surviving…trying to survive and your doing a pretty damn good job at it!!

    Reply
  19. I wish we can have the real name of this horrible person who would criticize a mother going through hell!!! What is wrong with people. Does she feel better about herself attacking you and getting that off her chest? What does that accomplish for her? I will never understand people who try to kick others while they are down. In my opinion, you have so many real people in your life who would make sure you were on medicine if they thought you definitely needed to be on it. They would make sure were in the hospital if they thought you needed to be. You have so many people on your side fighting with you and for you that truly know you. We as blog readers get a glimpse into your life and your struggles, but we can never truly get it!!! You didn’t get coats for your kids??? Well guess what, I have read from the beginning and know that you would never let them freeze. You know that someone will make sure they have coats. You should not have to deal with the small stuff right now. Anyone who truly reads this knows how much you love your boys and what a good mom you are!!! Maya, please do not pay attention to the rest. Keep fighting Maya!!!

    Reply
  20. Jaime H.

     /  December 27, 2011

    I’m sorry you have to deal with judgmental people who talk to you like that! Unbelievable! I am glad you and Woody and your twins had as nice a holiday as possible. Much love to you always Maya! Always in my prayers, love you…xoxo

    Reply
  21. kim

     /  December 27, 2011

    love you maya!! love and admire you and your strength and of course your “take no shit from anyone” attitude!! i hope you don’t let the negative crazies of the world discourage you. you’re doing the best you can. i don’t think there’s a one-for-all guide on how to grieve after losing a child so please don’t let anyone out doubt in your head. you are so loved and supported maya!!
    xoxo

    Reply
  22. kim

     /  December 27, 2011

    *let anyone out there put doubt in your head.

    Reply
  23. I just want to say I have so, so, so much love for you, Maya, not to mention so much pride. You are doing the best you can which, if I can say so myself, is a pretty fucking amazing job with the hell you’re enduring. It fucking pisses me off when people try to jam pills down someone’s throat to ‘help’ deal with their emotional problems. Drugs are NOT a cure-all and sometimes, as you mentioned, they make it worse. There is no pill to stop the torture you’re going through and no amount of drugs to bring you what you really need, your sweet little boy back. The people who are judging you and trying to make you feel like you’re doing something wrong can SHUT THE FUCK UP. Apparently that lady missed the fact that you and Woody DID in fact go and buy Quinn and Liam presents and you sat and watched them open them and were able to be happy for them for that amount of time. What more can you ask for in a mother who is grieving? Nothing. Your boys know how much you love them and how hard you try to be the best mommy ever for them (which you ARE). Don’t let others convince you otherwise.

    My aunt and uncle also lost their son two years ago, and guess what? It devastated them beyond all repair, but they didn’t run to the medicine cabinet to take every antidepressant under the sun to mask their pain. And no, please don’t think I am one of those people who is trying to compare your pain to other bereaved parents, I’m just trying to support you in the fact that as difficult as it may be, it CAN be done without the aid of drugs. Some people use them, some people don’t, no one is wrong, but no one should push it on to someone who doesn’t want them. You’ve tried it and didn’t like it, that’s totally fine. Everyone deals with things in their own way, and no one has the right to tell someone they’re doing it wrong. You certainly aren’t.

    On Christmas Day I sat at my dining room table with my family and talked about you and your Ronan. My aunt (the same one who lost her son) had tears in her eyes and couldn’t stop talking about how stunningly gorgeous Ro is. Ro’s message is spreading, and I’m doing my best to help to get the word out even if money is tight right now and I can’t buy bracelets and shirts. I will as soon as I can.

    ALL my love to you, Woody, Liam and Quinn, and of course, especially, Ronan.

    xoxoxoxoxo

    Reply
  24. Marcy Shipman

     /  December 27, 2011

    As someone who has read every post you’ve written from the very beginning, you are absolutely doing the best you can the best way you know how and for someone to judge you….well they just need to find another blog to read! As a mother of twins myself, I can’t even fathom what it would be like to lose a child to cancer. I have no idea how I would react and I certainly hope I never have to find out. I follow a few other cancer mom’s blogs…some with warriors and some with angels, but one thing I can tell you in no two mom’s do it exactly the same. Each of you deal with the hurt and pain in your own way, which is all anyone can ask of you. I know you are familiar with a lot of the other cancer mommies out there, but there is one in particular that reminds me of you. She doesn’t post nearly as often, but when she does you can hear the pain she is still dealing with day in and day out. She often talks about how the only thing that could heal her is to bring her little boy back. Maybe she is someone you could connect with if you haven’t yet since you are both dealing with the loss of a child around the same time frame (she lost Sal in March). She is also VERY committed to finding a cure for the ugly disease of neuroblastoma. Here’s his website in case you haven’t seen it….http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/salvatorevanni. With all that said I continue to pray for you and your entire family that you find some sort of healing on this journey while still never forgetting a single memory that the Rockstar brought to your life! Although I never met Ro, I haven’t forgotten and will never forget! I’m inspired to do one of those crazy runs that you are going to do as well in the name of Ro. It looks like we have one in Texas and I can’t wait!! Take care!

    Fuck cancer!!!

    Reply
  25. Cecil Burch

     /  December 27, 2011

    Maya – anyone who is criticizing you for not taking Ambien is a tool. When my father died at the age of 57 of liver cancer (Fuck you cancer), my mother went on ambien to help her grief. Like you, it only made things worse by making her a zombie. She also stopped, regardless of what others said. It was not easy for her, but she was at least closer to her real self.
    Maybe Ambien helps some, but not all.

    Reply
  26. ellen

     /  December 27, 2011

    “Who are you to judge the life i live? I know im not perfect and i dont live to be but before you start pointing fingers make sure your hands are clean.” – bob marley

    That quote seemed fitting. hang in there and keep being you. youre an inspiration to so many and youre baby boy is a shining star in all of our lives.

    Reply
  27. I’m so sorry you have to deal with people like that. I can’t even begin to imagine your pain. I try, but even the thought is just too much. I don’t know how you survive actually losing your child. There is no right way or wrong way. Just your own way. From this side of the computer, you are doing amazing!

    Reply
  28. Daniella

     /  December 27, 2011

    Way to make it through Christmas!! I was thinking about you all weekend. I’m actually up here in the Pacific Northwest, I’m so happy you were able to be here and just breathe in the air. That northwest air is something small, but it is something good.

    I’m not much a of a church girl but I went on xmas to make my family happy. I thought about you and Ronan the entire time. I prayed, to who – I have no idea, but I prayed none the less for you and your survival. I say survival because to call it grief seems insignificant. I guess I feel like I’m watching you survive right now (and you are doing a FUCKING AMAZING job at it!), not watching you grieve. How could I watch you grieve when I have no idea what you are really going though??

    Of course, like most readers I’m sure, I worry about you. BUT, then I get to read a very spicy response like that one I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say “SEE, DO YOU SEE THAT AMAZING MAYA! A WOMAN LIKE THAT KICKS SO MUCH ASS!!” And I know you are going to survive. People with all the fire inside don’t just wilt away. You are a powerful, kickass mom, period.

    That reader is nuts. Effing nuts. You rock! Love you Mama-Maya!

    Reply
  29. Danielle

     /  December 27, 2011

    Where in the fuck do people come up with these things? We all worry about you sometimes, of course, but this is so healthy. This blog is your dark. You share here, to get through your days.. You have good days, even here. Sometimes the posts are positive, and that blows me away. Youre amazing and that lady’s a cunt. <3

    Reply
  30. Deb

     /  December 27, 2011

    I am a mother of 3 and if one of them passed I don’t think I could take another step! You are so brave and so painfully honest and people just can’t deal with that! Life sucks sometimes in ways we could never imagine and people can’t stand hearing that. An anti-depressant doesn’t fix a crushed heart. You rock despite everything. Fu cancer and FU people who choose to be judgmental rather than human!!!

    Reply
  31. maureen

     /  December 27, 2011

    oh maya….some people will never, ever learn….they will constantly spew venom when they have no idea what they are talking about….seems to me that she missed your point….that being that this is your first christmas without your baby boy…and so what if you did wait until christmas eve to buy presents…there is no law stating when you should buy presents….just as there is no set rule as to how one should and does grieve. The fact that you did get on a plane, you did get up on Christmas says alot….not everyone could do that…..it takes an awful lot of strength to do what you have done….and this goes not just for christmas, but for thanksgiving, halloween, and now all the holidays that will come….so maya, go on being your strong self- because you are….many would’ve have caved…many would’ve found that dark hole and never come out- but you have and you do- and for that you are one of the strongest people I know (you know what I mean..lol)…..so keep fighting for ronan and childhood cancer and grieve in the way that helps you most…..again, there is no “right” way to grieve…you grieve as you need to grieve….the end…..sending you and your family hugs from the east coast….

    Reply
  32. Fuck these people who think they can tell you what you need to do!!! You are stronger than half of us would be in the situation. So hat, you hate waking up, you forgot coats, you say fuck and miss your son. My dad died of cancer when I was a junior in high school and there were times that I could not eat and threw up. And guess what?! I ended up being ok, still sucks- still hurts. But I survived and you will too. I wish you could block people like that from your blog. You need people waders that suppor you and Ro! People like that lady don’t deserve to know Ro. You’re doing your best, which is all anyone can ask for. You obviously have an amazing upper staff in Woody, Dr. Jo and your friends. Will you ever be cured of this pain?? No. But you are going to make a difference and that’s what counts. Keep on Mama.

    Reply
  33. Robin Lamb

     /  December 27, 2011

    People are FUCKING stupid. There is no right way to deal with this. Everyone is different . It never has to be ok just manageable. I have a friend that lost 2 of her 3 kids in a car accident , she deals with it 100% different from the way you do and thats OKAY !!! She is not fucked up nor are you. Who’s to say what “normal” is anyway ??

    Reply
  34. Maya – I am glad that you recognized that anti-depressants are not for you. The readers of this blog should only be grateful, not judgmental, that you are letting us in to your life and through you getting to know Ronan, Liam, Quinn and Woody (and your dear friends). From what I read, I feel that your husband and dear friend, Dr. JoRo can see the full situation and know you best. They agree with you and your decision to not be on medication. I believe you are having a natural and even rational reaction to the nightmare situation you are in because your beloved Ronan has been taken from you by fucking cancer. I have no answers about how you can deal with your life without Ronan and I would never presume to suggest things you should do to help. I wish you moments of peace with your the loved ones in your life and I dearly hope that Ronan’s spirit embraces you as often as he can.

    Reply
  35. Didn’t do the anti-depressant thing either. 4.5 years later I still have people trying to get me to take it. I had a doc convice me to take it after diagnosis, I hated it and will not do it again. I also play the treatment game. I called up Dr. Sholler right after she started the nifurtimax trial but it was given with chemo and his bone marrow couldn’t take it anymore – we’d just been in NY for 3 months and he just wanted to be home. There are amny other choices we made over that years of fighting that I wonder if we chose incoreectly. I hate that second guessing…it sucks…and it is hard to keep from doing it.

    Reply
  36. Crystal

     /  December 27, 2011

    Maya, I also would like to punch that person who posted, or even THOUGHT that comment in the ovary. I’m sorry you have to hear/read stupid comments like that. Nobody knows what you four are going through. I wish I could put you in a bubble to repel idiots. I think and pray for you, your family and your sweet Ronan always.

    Reply
  37. Suzanne

     /  December 28, 2011

    Hi Maya,
    I am disgusted by that reader’s judgemental remarks. Who in the world does she think she is? You are treading in water and she threw you a brick. People! Maya did not ask for your opinion or advise! So stop offering it to her! This is her path and her blog and she will heal on her own time and in her own way. Bless you Maya. You have changed me because like I have said before (and I have never met you as you know) I hug my girls more, I am more patient, and I am so grateful to be given the opportunity to be their Mom. I can’t imagine going through what you have and that pain of loss. You have definitely had a huge positive impact on me. Thank you.

    Reply
  38. Joni

     /  December 28, 2011

    I read this and was so sad… I can’t even come close to knowing how you feel, I have Tripletts and a daughter that’s older, I can’t imagine your pain or frustration! Everyone deals with pain and sadness differently!!!! Get off her ass and be supportive….hall pass is granted and there is no such thing as a perfect parent! Oh btw my boys received their coats on Christmas!!!

    Reply
  39. Maya, I think the insensitive reader voiced a worry we may all have now and again when you go silent for a while. This is your unfortunate journey and the path you take is your own. I lost my heartmate to suicide almost a year ago, and sometimes I think anti-depressants are the only thing keeping me from joining him. I would never tell you to TAKE anti-depressants just like I wouldn’t listen to you if you told me to stop taking them. But you never say that. You say that is what YOU have chosen, and I respect that. It is something that helps me with my pain. I know you are facing yours head on, but I don’t think I could do that. You also have a shit-ton of support, while I do not. It all depends on the person’s circumstances.

    Sometimes I feel like you punish yourself with all this pain. I can’t entirely understand why you wouldn’t choose to blunt the feelings. It hurts to see another human being go through so much pain. An anti-depressant isn’t a cure. It won’t bring anyone back. It doesn’t even stop the pain, actually. It just makes life manageable one day or even hour at a time. It doesn’t even keep away the bad days. It just makes things a tiny bit ok. You have other things that make your day a tiny bit ok, though. You just have the courage to voice things I never would. I smile and let everyone think that I’m ok. It’s really for their own benefit. You only do that for your boys. You don’t sugar coat if for your readers and you shouldn’t have to.

    I seem to be one of the few readers willing to play devil’s advocate ;) I live in Longview too and your lovely wonderful mother was in my support group at St. John’s. She kept Ronan’s memorial pamphlet under the plastic on the outside of her binder. The first day I saw his picture, I told her that he was a beautiful child. She didn’t share her story until the very last day of group, but since that day I have embraced your story.

    I am cheering you on, even though you do things differently from me. Even though I don’t understand everything. I so wanted to talk to you and tell you how strong your mother is. I wanted to tell you about my guy, but didn’t think you would understand. Suicide vs losing your baby to cancer? I thought you would be judgmental. I didn’t think you would understand how someone could “throw away” his life while your little guy struggled for his. We are all different. Our journey’s are all different. We should all come from a place of love though.

    Reply
  40. Hey Mr. or Mrs. blog reader… why do you think you have any right to judge.. you don`t have.. not even a fucking lil bit! People like you make me feel angry. Noone in this world can imagine Mayas pain. Nobody, except herself, knows. And she deals with all of that in the best possible way. And this his her way, only hers. So stop judging. Fool.

    Maya you are SOO amazing. You really are. Love and hugs.

    Lina

    Reply
  41. who gives your twins a hall pass for their momma not being “present”? How will they deal with grief and stress during their lives as time goes on? Example is what these kids learn and follow.
    Selfish.
    Mom loved Ro more than us. Why would she be so sad when she still has us???? Kids think different. You can’t rationalize for them.
    I have lost a child, two actually. One still walks the earth and the other is under the ground. Where do dead babies go? I don’t know. The pain lessens but never goes away. You are you, grown adult, mature brain, choices, free will. Kids do not.
    Possitive impact! Choose your twins to fight for. Give them total love and life. Connections that will help you fight the cancer fight! You are not alone……..

    Reply
    • I kinda think this is out of line…Maya is there for both her twins. She tries extremely hard to break down when she is alone so she can be there for them when they are around.

      I am trying to understand why people feel the need to make these comments – yes, Maya is putting her life out there for us to read, but it is a privilege for us to do so. It is NONE of our business how she lives her life and handles her grief and no one has the right to draw conclusions on her life from what she writes here, as this is her in her most raw and dark times. Unless you are there with her 24/7, living her life with her, you have no right to say how she should or should not be behaving.

      Reply
      • Just like you, or Maya, or anyone else on here- It is my comment/opinion. It is an observation from what she has written. Suggestions, what has worked or may work. Your mind/attitude plays a huge huge part of your physical health. I only express to give other ideas or options to think about. I am not judging. Do not intend it to be judgemental. Read in to it whatever you will. Intent and interpretation are not the same. For any of us.
        Kids ‘see’ way more than we think they do. You may not have had experiences as a child that affected your child-mind. Some kids are more sensitive than others. Some roll with the punches others carry fear and anger or pain with them. Quinn and Liam are definitely different even tho twins. Quinn sticks to Maya and Liam is less clingy. For better or worse they have different emotional expressions.
        Maya is loving and trying her best to get herself and her family thru this.

    • Suzanne

       /  December 28, 2011

      Maya, you don’t need to post these comments like the one from “LE” above! In fact, don’t bother posting any that come from a place of judgement! We know you love your twins! They will NEVER think the way the above commenter stated! Your whole family is mourning the loss of Ronan, and there is no way they are thinking they are less loved. These people don’t deserve an ounce of your attention. I agree with Ali, it is a privilege to be able to share with Maya her story of Ronan. End of story.

      Reply
      • Obviously you don’t have experience with children or never had a traumatic childhood event in your life or you would not make the statement that the boys would NEVER think they were less loved.
        I didn’t say she did not love the twins. Kids perception is as a child not as an adult mind.
        End of story.

    • If you have nothing nice to say, do not say nothing at all. This is one of the earliest lessons you learn in life!!! You do not know Maya. You read parts of her life that she shares. Quit being so judgmental!!! I will end here because I have nothing nice to say to someone like you LE!!!

      Reply
  42. sara

     /  December 28, 2011

    You go Ro’s mama! Pills, pills, pills. Not always the answer. Maybe you just need to puke a few months, you’ll survive, I’m sure to your dislike! Millions of pregnant women puke for 9 months straight and manage to not only be healthy but deliver HEALTHY BABIES. BTW – have you taken a pregnancy test lately! haha, wouldn’t that be a total mindF*! Piss off to all the others that think they know best. You have lots of wits about you, not to mention lots of eyes watching out for you, so puke on!

    PS – where the hell online can I oder some purple Fuck Cancer bracelets?

    Reply
  43. Susie

     /  December 28, 2011

    So you left the cards at the Starbucks on NW 23rd on Monday and on that same day I noticed them there and picked one up to show someone who doesn’t know about Ronan’s story….

    People who haven’t lost a child should never criticize you, but neither should people who have since everyone grieves differently. Lord only knows how I would deal with such a loss of my 3 and a half year old boy, the youngest of my 3 boys. I think about you and Ronan all the time, and your other boys because the impact this must have on them is unimaginable too.

    Reply
  44. Katie R

     /  December 28, 2011

    Dear Maya –
    As a devoted reader, I wish you would not even acknowledge the negative posts/emails you get from all the idiots out there. It’s not worth your time. I feel like it takes away from what this blog is really about. I think you are dealing with your situation as best as you possibly can and I think you are amazing for not giving in and choosing to do things that you don’t want to do….anti depressants, checking into a hospital, etc. You just lost the person that you describe that “completed you”….its no wonder your not sleeping, throwing up, forgetting to pay the cable bill, etc. I know, as a mother, if I lost my son I would be probably jump off a bridge. But that would be the easy way out and from what I read in your blogs….you’re not giving in to childhood cancer. Like I’ve said in other posts I’ve responded to, it just took one person being pissed enough about losing a loved one to breast cancer to start a foundation as big as Susan G Koman and I think you’re that one person for Childhood Cancer.

    I hope you are ok today.

    Hugs,
    Katie R. in Dallas, TX

    Reply
  45. Carolyn

     /  December 28, 2011

    Maya, there was an easy way out of this for you, but you took the braver path for the benefit of your boys and husband. I will always know you are a better person than I would be in your shoes, and you are my hero. Everyone deals with people who say things we don’t agree with, which are often cruel, or critical, or irrational, and that too is a part of life, which unfortunately we can’t eliminate. But as sad as you feel, there is such a fire in you, that inspires all of us, and which makes us all carry an ember of Ronan’s fiesty soul in our hearts. I will treasure and cradle it the rest of my life, and I know I am far from alone in this, and I am just so sorry.

    Reply
  46. In my book you get a hall pass whenever you need/want it. Fuck you cancer!

    Reply
  47. Amy

     /  December 28, 2011

    Keep rockin, mama!

    Reply
  48. Kate

     /  December 28, 2011

    Reading what that person said to you made me think of a quote :

    ” who are you to judge the life I live? I know I’m not perfect and I don’t live to be. But before you start pointing fingers make sure your hands are clean.”

    How you choose to fix yourself is up to you and no one has the right to judge that. I couldn’t imagine loosing my child and I would
    Never tell someone they arent properly fixing their broken heart.

    Reply
  49. jen

     /  December 29, 2011

    Why do people think antidepressants r miracle happy pills? Theyre drugs they dont bring kids back 2 life. Second most r ssris. I know these help some people but many dont benefit at all. I dont benefit at all from them. If u tried for 6 wks u had more than enuf time 4 it 2 build n ur system. It simply didnt work 4 u.

    Reply
  50. Hi, I’ve thought about all of you the past
    couple of weeks. I love the picture of the leaves and 1 is purple. So happy you got
    to go to Washington and BREATHE!!!
    Love to you always!!!!
    xoxo

    Reply
  51. D. Murray Armitage

     /  January 2, 2012

    I am reminded (sadly) of a saying: “No matter what you say, somebody, somewhere will take it too seriously.” Why am I reminded of this? Because it can be amended (unfortunately) to apply to your blog: “No matter what you write, somebody, somewhere, will insist on judging you by it.” That is the sad part because these are your feelings of the moment when you write them and to have your feelings judged – well, I cannot imagine anything sadder, except maybe what you have and are living through now.
    I hope 2012 brings you less unfair judgement from others for your feelings.

    Reply
  52. D. Murray Armitage

     /  January 2, 2012

    Oh yeah! I almost forgot. If you were a real zombie, you would probably starve to death because those idiots lack whay zombies need to survive – brains. Bazinga!

    Reply
  53. Maureen

     /  January 11, 2012

    Oh- and I forgot to add to ‘the lovely reader’ who is so judgmental- Ambien is a sleep aid- prozac, paxil, ect. are all mood enhancers….there is a difference so it’s hard to be hypocritical when they do separate things….

    Reply
  54. People are dumb and insensitive sometimes sweetie. Love to you.

    Reply
  55. My daughter was MURDERED in our home December 20, 2011… A mass murderer came in, with the intent of killing my entire family. He stabbed my Saskia to death when she went downstairs for a bottle of water…

    I envy, that you can put a ‘peaceful’ image of your child in your mind. I envy, that you got to say goodbye… I too, have an ‘eating disorder’ after death. I’ve been told, however, this – is quite a normal reaction ESPECIALLY FOR MOTHERS… I have not been capable of eating SOLID FOOD – not one bite – since… It simply WON’T go down my throat. Surviving these days only on protein drinks. But really don’t care.

    I too, have been writing since Saskia’s murder. I too, am chastised for the ‘neglect’ of my other children. How easily they throw it in my face, to “go on, for my other children”. But seriously – NOT A SINGLE ONE can look me in the eye, and say the words ‘go on’ without layering it with that guilt!

    I won’t dump the horror and the terror of my life with you here, I guess I just wanted you know – from MY perspective, I find you incredibly FORTUNATE – for those two things I envy you for. And that those ‘other things’ we are experiencing are “normal” – for MOTHERS! And, that you are lucky to have your husband, and not be alone.

    And since I NEVER SLEEP – if you ever want to talk, you can join me on fb –

    I too, live with a heartbreak uniquely my own,
    Catherine Burke
    Murrieta, CA

    Reply
  56. Michael Pate

     /  November 28, 2012

    Well said Maya…The nerve of some people!! I’m new to this blog and have only read a few of them but my impression of Maya is that she’s a strong and Awesome lady:)

    Reply

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