Somebody wake me up when this bloody holiday is over.


Ronan. I am really, really hoping that I am not truly losing my mind from the pain of losing you. I am really, really, hoping that this pain, which is already intolerable, only feels as if as if it is on steroids, just due to the fact that Christmas is almost here. I am trying hard to be logical about this. Who cares about stupid Christmas? Why is it because Christmas is here, that it is making this 10 times harder than normal? I have been doing a lot of talking to myself because Inferno Fuckwad Bob is trying to completely take over. I had this conversation in my head tonight about how much pressure the holidays bring anyway when you are a normal human being. Now, try doing these holidays when your child is dead. I am trying not to panic about the many reactions my body is having…… which I swear I have no control over. The throwing up. The blurry vision. The headaches. The insomnia. The racing of my heart. The shaking of my hands. The way I can’t seem to breathe. The way every part of my body hurts. Even the tips of my fingers. I feel like I should be admitted to a hospital. Can’t they sedate me and put me on oxygen, too? So I can breathe a little more easily? Can’t they just put me to sleep for about a week? I deserve a little break from this or else I am going to crack. Maybe I am starting to crack and these are the warning signs.

No amount of physical exhaustion is helping either. And it normally does. This morning I got up early and met Mandy Bee for a workout at some place she goes. I don’t remember much of it except we did a lot of picking up heavy tires, ropes, and punched a boxing bag. Afterwords, I was shaky and I hopped in her car as she talked me into going to Starbucks. I think she was really afraid to let me up and just drive home as I know she saw the sheer look of terror in my eyes. She drove me to Starbucks but she had to pull over right in front so I could run into the bathroom because I told her I was going to throw up. I did. A whole lot of liquid as I had nothing else in my stomach. I brushed my teeth in that Starbucks bathroom as I now carry a toothbrush with me everywhere because I am so used to this happening. We sat outside and drank our coffee and made small talk with some south african guy. The small talk turned into the how many kids do you have, question. I let Mandy answer first. My turn next. Lucky me. “Two eight year olds. And an almost 4-year-old who just passed away.” Good thing the dude was wearing sunglasses so I didn’t have to see the look in his eyes. I’ll never get used to saying this to people when they ask this question to me now. I always take a minute to answer and think to myself….”There has got to be a better way, to say this.” Turns out, there is not. It will never just roll off of my tongue.

I found myself on my bedroom floor today, huddled in the corner of my room and on the phone with Dr. JoRo, bawling so hard I don’t think she could even understand much of what I was saying. I told her how I couldn’t breathe, how I wanted to just go to sleep, and how tired I was of everything. I stayed this way for about 10 minutes. I then told her I had to go because it was time to be a mom and I was taking your brothers rock climbing. I had to play the good mommy role and suck it up. All I wanted to do was crawl into my bed and not come out. I didn’t though. I sucked it up and pulled myself together as they were so excited to be off and doing something with me. We went with Kristi and her gorgeous girls. I loved watching your brothers as they tried something new. I tried not to let the fact that you weren’t there with us, ruin everything. I made myself climb to the top of that rock wall today. Actually, Kristi really made me do it as I was content to just sit and watch your brothers. I was glad she did. I was halfway up and decided to turn around and look down. Bloody hell it was high up there. I almost stopped and turned around. A vision of your face flashed in front of me and I looked up and made myself continue on, to the very top until I touched the metal little pole that proved I did it. I know you were proud. As Kristi said, one more thing on my little list, checked off. I thought to myself…… yes indeed. But I wondered how long I could really keep all of this up. I’m still glad to have that little check mark off of my list. I did it for you and for your brothers. Because they deserve to have a mom who hasn’t completely checked out. I know I am being hard on myself but I also know that your brothers saw me as I cried in the car all the way home. I wish I could hide my pain from them all the time, but sometimes it is impossible. It is so hard to look them in the eyes when it is so visible to them, that I am hurting so badly. No 8-year-old should have to watch their mama wiping away the never-ending tears. But no 8-year-old should have to ever watch their best friend and baby brother, die of cancer either. It is all fucking bullshit.

We came home tonight to your daddy. I ran to the bathroom where I threw up the dinner I tried to eat. I took a bath and crawled into bed. Your daddy, sat with me and just held my hand while I stared blankly at the wall as the hot stinging tears poured down my cheeks and soaked my pillow. He took your brothers out to run some errands. I fell asleep for about 30 minutes. I jumped up, startled, when my body realized that I had fallen asleep and reminded me of how wrong everything is in this life now, including things like sleep. No rest for the weary.

I love you. I’m sorry. I miss you so very much. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll. I love you to the moon and back.

xoxo

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31 Comments

  1. Chrissy

     /  December 20, 2011

    I am sitting here trying to think of something,anything that will give you even a speck of comfort. Just know that you are changing the lives of soo many people by your words and your love story. I have no doubt that something amazing will come from this misery. Thank you for sharing Ronan and for making me a better mother.

    Reply
  2. summer

     /  December 20, 2011

    Maya, I am crying my eyes out for you. I can’t imagine the pain you are going through. I wish I had words to make you feel better, anything to give you a moment of peace. You are such a strong mamma! I know you may not believe it, but I know your blue eyed baby boy is healthy and happy and smiling down at you and your family. And you WILL see him again!! Hugs and kisses!!! XOXO

    Reply
  3. Glenda

     /  December 20, 2011

    Maya,

    My heart aches for you!
    I hate fucking cancer. It’s not fair!!! FUCancer!!! Rockstar Ronan should be here!!! My mom should be here!!!

    Thinking of you mama!!!
    Peace and strength!!!
    XO

    Reply
  4. Candi

     /  December 20, 2011

    Everyday I send you love,prayers and huggs to get you through this awful time.
    I know there are no words that will help you get through this but I am so happy you have so many nice friends to be there for youl
    Take it easy on yourself don’t try to do too much, make this holiday simple for you and your family. We all have years we need to do that and most of us don’t have half the stress you do.
    Remember you are amazing and so loved!

    Reply
  5. Oh Maya….I wish I could say something to help you, but all I can say is that it’s not right that Ronan is not here, it will never be right and that it just fucking sucks :{ I feel your pain and hope that you can continue to reach out to those around you for support during this horrendous 1st Xmas without Ro.

    Shawn

    Reply
  6. Shanda

     /  December 20, 2011

    My heart breaks for you everyday I readying blogs.. There is nothing me or anyone else can say to you.. I am a person on the other side of the spectrum, I was a child who lost both her parents, I went through ALOT of the same feeling and emotions as you are experiencing, I checked out on life for a while, devastated for years, as time goes on I was able to deal a little better, function in society and not be so angry at God, yes I was so angry at god for taking them and leaving me here alone, I questioned everything I was ever believed, then slowly as I started to heal a little at a time I started believing my anger was all apart of healing and started having faith again, I have prayed for you everyday since the passing of Ronan, that you find your way back and have peace and happiness in your life!! Much Love to you and your Family!!

    Reply
  7. Leila

     /  December 20, 2011

    Maya, maybe it IS time to check yourself in. You don’t have to stay there. Just go to a psych ER. They can get you on anti depressants. The pills are NOT going to stop the pain, but they will take a bit of the edge off to give you time to get through all of this.
    When I lost my mom a few years ago, I went off the deep end. Your mind just spirals and spirals until you can not stop crying, can not sleep and are very irritable. I tried to commit suicide. I guess the depression and with the lack of sleep, my mind was not thinking clearly. I was pregnant and could not stop thinking that I was having a baby and my mother would never see him. My mind in it’s sick state believed that the solution was to kill myself, leave my other children for my husband to raise and take the baby to my mom so that we could be together again.
    I went on anti depressants for a few months then slowly got off of them. That just gave me a few months to work things out in my mind and come to terms with the death of my mom.
    As I wrote in another post to you, I lost my three month old daughter three months ago.
    I thought losing my mom was the most difficult thing that anyone could ever live through. I was wrong.
    I am like you, I don’t know what to say to people when they ask me how many children I have. Just today I took the kids to McDonalds to pay in their indoor playset and was asked this question two times. I have five kids, one of which died three months ago.
    The pain does not go away and several people have told me that the pain does not go away EVER. The hurt is always there, non stop. But they have told me that you learn to smile through the pain. You learn to laugh through the pain. You just learn to go on with life dealing with the pain.
    Maya, I know you are trying to kill yourself but in a way that it would not be labeled “Suicide”. Being a mother that just lost her baby, I can read right through your blogs and I understand. That thought has crossed my mind too many times. It is difficult because you have two other boys that need you here but you want to go be with the one you just lost. It is not saying that you don’t love your twins and want to be with them, just the pain of losing the one is too much to bare.
    You have to think. The pain and misery you are going through because of losing Ronan is just a small glimpse of the pain the twins would suffer from losing their best friend AND their mother. I know that you know these things already. That’s why you are still alive to write these love notes to your son.
    Please please please talk with someone about getting on some medication. That does not mean that you are crazy. It means that you just lost part of your soul and need help dealing with it (as any human that has a pulse would).
    Girl, you are an amazing woman and I can tell that you give your all to the ones you love. Don’t give up now, they still need you. Just as you fought for Ronan until he took his last breath, fight for yourself. You HAVE to. As a mother, this is our job. When the world kicks the shit out of us, we gotta get up, brush ourselves off and keep going. You see, a job of a mother NEVER ends. Until we take our last breath, we are still teaching our children and being an example for them. Tis the wonderful circle of life.
    Imagine if you are 45 years old. One of your boys have a child. That child passes away. Your son can not bare to live another day with the pain and he goes into self destruct mode. You will not only have lost a grand baby, but also your son. Don’t do this to your children, parents, husband and everyone that loves you.
    Maya, I know our paths have crossed before. You look too familiar. I looked u up on FB and did a friend request. U can look at the friends we have in common. I know a few more people on your list also. I am wondering if our paths crossed through Gary. Maybe at K 1st? You are 4 years younger than I am so it would not have been through KHS.
    Please feel free to message me. I will give you my phone number and u can call if you would like.
    I know that people do not understand the pain of losing a child unless they have actually lived through it. I am convinced of this.
    My daughters name was Fatima Yara. Yara means “A little butterfly” in Arabic. My little butterfly, my baby G flew away… I don’t understand why she had to go. I just know my life will never be the same.
    Now, I get to try and figure out how I can carry on in the midst of feeling like I am dyeing. Figure out how to work through this sea of tears to be the best mom I can be for my other four children.
    Please Maya, no more self destruction. Please, for your children and for yourself. See a professional and get their opinion about trying medications to help get you through this.
    You are in my prayers. *hugs*

    Reply
    • Monica Stuve

       /  December 22, 2011

      FUCK CANCER! Medication isn’t always the quick fix answer…. Maya, stay strong mama!! Love you!!!

      Reply
  8. Anne

     /  December 20, 2011

    Hi Maya. I want you to tell you that slowly, very, very, very slowly, things will begin to improve. I am so very sorry that you too are a member of this awful club of parents who have lost a child. I am sorry that your old life is over and that through no choice of your own, you have a different life. I know the physical and emotional pain are unbearable. Just know that you are doing what you need to do to survive. Even though we do not know each other I send you my love and support. Lean on whoever you need to. Do what you have to. Keep your expectations simple. Keep loving your beautiful boys. Be kind to yourself. You did, and will continue to do, the very best you can. When I read your journal entries they are very much like mine. I know the suffering is unimaginable and while you can share your journey with so many, much of it is alone, in isolation. Warmest regards, Anne

    Reply
  9. Adele

     /  December 20, 2011

    Maya,

    You have touched my life. I know from reading your words day after day there is nothing I can say that can bring you relief from the pain you are in. Please know your story is waking people up out of their safe little world and educating them. How unfair that you are the one has been given this fucking nightmare to live out.
    May you feel the love and energy from all who have been touched by beautiful Ronan.

    Reply
  10. Carolyn

     /  December 20, 2011

    Maya, I read your blog every day, but I wanted to share a very strange dream I had last night. There was a knock at my door and when I opened it, I knew it was you but you were a tree. You looked pretty human, for a tree, like Mother Earth and you were strong and wise, and young and beautiful, but still hundreds of years old. And you were leafy, and healthy, but sad, and you had something to say and I tried to understand. I didn’t totally understand, but I did mostly. Although it was a dream, I did think it was pretty accurate. I just wish it wasn’t this way for you.

    Reply
  11. Wendy Ledford

     /  December 20, 2011

    Hang on! You are such a great mom—and the strongest woman by far! Still praying that you continue to have hope and you can get some rest. Sending you lots of love and prayers again tonight.

    Reply
  12. Rosemary S.

     /  December 20, 2011

    I am so sorry that you are experiencing all of this bullsh*t…no parent should have to witness what you (and family) have gone through.
    I have no answers…but a few concerns for your wellness.
    * When a person throws up so much on a daily basis, doesn’t the human body just “get used to” doing that….like when a person has the eating disorder of bulimia? It’s like the body just has to do it….purge…no matter if it makes sense or not to do so…a learned response? Just a thought. Maybe if you didn’t have that urge to do that, it might help you feel better physically. I am sure that you have discussed that with your Dr. JoRo.
    *Also, have you thought that you might have PTSS…post tramatic stress syndrome? My son served in the Saudi-Iraq war for over a year and saw things that no human should ever see…and he needed treatment to help him cope. I know that there is nothing as awful as losing a son, but it’s just a helpful suggestion for you.
    You are a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman who is going through great loss…and I do know that you are looking at all avenues to get well.
    Good thoughts and well wishes to you and your beautiful family.

    Reply
  13. Erin

     /  December 20, 2011

    I just heard about your family’s journey tonight. I don’t know you, chances are I never will, but my heart is absolutely broken for your family. But even though I don’t know you, I am keeping you all in my thoughts. Life is so tragically unfair, I wish it could change, but it won’t.
    And for that I am devistated.
    I am so sorry for your loss.
    I am sorry that the world keeps turning when your life has come to a stop.
    I wish I could take away your hurt. I really do.

    Reply
  14. sara maurer

     /  December 20, 2011

    I am sitting here, sobbing for you. I hate stupid FUCKING cancer. I’m so sorry Maya.

    Reply
  15. Jennifer

     /  December 21, 2011

    There are no words that can make you feel even a little bit better, but I just want you to know that Im so sorry every damn day that Ronan is gone! I will never forget his struggle with fucking cancer, and I will never forget your struggle with living every day without him! Its just not fair that any parent has to go through what you and your family have gone through. Please just know that there are so many of us who support you and think that you are truly amazing.

    Reply
  16. Jaime H.

     /  December 21, 2011

    “Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.” Hebrews 11:1
    Maya- I hope and pray that if nothing else, you can have a peace and faith that Ronan is so much more than okay and safe now. Please believe this. Have faith in it! My heart goes out to you , to your family, I want to help you, to encourage you. I wish I could do more. Keeping you all close in prayer and in thought, much love to you, Always, xoxo

    Reply
  17. Think of what your boys are going thru everytime you cry or disintegrate. You are affecting their lives and futures. Don’t think “oh boy something else to worry about-messing up my other two kids” Just put them first and foremost in your mind. Children absorb and worry and think things you would never believe. Been there, done that. You can stop the roller coaster. Anti depresants are not evil if used correctly. Getting on the correct one and correct dosage will save yourself. Been there, done that. You won’t forget Ronan and no one elsse will either. The Ronan Thompson Foundation will make sure he lives in the hearts and minds of all who have read your blog etc.

    Reply
  18. Kelsey

     /  December 21, 2011

    When i was in my early 20′s a group of us girls found these super cheezy polyester jumpsuits at a thrift store….we wore them out in vegas….people thought we were a stunt team…which is actually scary cause these outfits were CHEESY!! They all had tbe name Gustavo on them….we were the flying gustavo’s!! ….that was four kids ago, so the outfit is tiiight now!! ….but if i knew where you lived…i would kidnap u in my gustavo outfit….don’t worry, i’d bring one along for you…..qnd we would have one fun day!! Of course, we’d get tattoo’s….huge stars with ro’s name in the middle!! ….then we’d let the vibe take us from there….we both have capes…yours is much bigger than mine….we’d fly all over town!! :)

    Reply
  19. Nickee

     /  December 21, 2011

    Maya-
    I wish there was something I could say to you. I wish this wasn’t happening to you. Reading about what a toll this is taking on your poor body and what a struggle it is just to survive breaks my heart :( I’m so sorry. I cried my eyes out the whole time reading this post. I cry every post, but this one was the whole way through. I hurt for you and your family. I can’t imagine even a fraction of the pain you feel. I so wish that Ro was here. I wish you could do your job getting awareness out without having to go through hell to do it :( I’m sorry Maya. I hope things get better for you. I know Ro would be so proud of you. You are doing amazing things. You do so well being a loving, sweet, caring mother to Liam and Quinn despite all of the pain you are in. I don’t know how you do it. You are truly an amazing person. Keep checking things off your little Ro bucket list!! And if there is ever something you never want to do, go ahead and put that on the “Fuck It” list :)

    Lots of love,
    Nickee

    Reply
  20. Rachel

     /  December 21, 2011

    With all your pain, I know this won’t really help you, but don’t ever think you’re not making a difference in people’s lives. It’s because of you and FOR Ronan that I spent my morning at PCH volunteering. It is hopefully the beginning of many more days here helping out. You & you’re family are in my thoughts always.

    Reply
  21. Melissa

     /  December 21, 2011

    Sending love for you, Maya. Only love. Just wish love was enough..as Ronan would be here and there would be NO pain. What I hate beyond words is that Neuroblastoma not only took a son, brother, grandson, nephew, and beautiful boy from the world….but it is slowly and so cruelly destroying YOU each and every day–and how could it not. Your precious boy is gone from this world. I know though that if anyone can do it…it is YOU…you can crush NB (& inferno fuckwad Bob) and find joy…someday. somehow. You, Woody, Liam, Quinn and all of the people who Ronan loved will be in my thoughts and prayers, always.

    Reply
  22. Cathy

     /  December 21, 2011

    Hi Maya, I wanted to say something like “thanks” for your post but of course that sounds wrong. I guess your post has meaning for me because life is often wrong. None of my kids have cancer so my lot is different, but 3 of my 4 kids have serious diagnoses, which are strangely all different. Today is the anniversary of the first dx. It’s like the day my life cracked open and I fell in a pit. I don’t live there but I fall into it from time to time still. I appreciate your frankness, especially because I don’t have an outlet to vent the feelings I have. I hope your blogging helps, it obviously helps others. It made me feel less alone today.

    Reply
  23. Desiree

     /  December 22, 2011

    I’m so sorry Maya… for EVERYTHING. Sending you love, hugs, strength from Washington… There are no other words, only tears. I’m so so so sorry you have to experience this life without Ronan….

    Reply
  24. Ali

     /  December 22, 2011

    Take care of yourself, mama bear. You know what’s right for you and what you’re not comfortable in doing. I know dr Jo and woody are looking after you and that makes me worry a little less because they won’t let you fall.

    Reply
  25. I am so so sorry that I can not take even an ounce of your pain from you. It is unfair any mother should have to carry this pain alone. I am sorry that you lost your beautiful boy. It is so fucking unfair. xxoo

    Reply
  26. Daniella

     /  December 22, 2011

    Oh Maya, I’m so sorry you are in such pain. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I want to help you so bad. I want to hold your hand. I want to take you away from all the pain. The only thing I can do though is read your blog, listen to you, and tell you that I love you and that I think you are amazing. I have no expectations for you and your grief. I think you are amazing because you are surviving.

    Feel free to ignore this advice if you want, but maybe when people ask you “how many kids do you have” you could say “I am the mother of 3″. It’s a honest response that hides nothing, you are Ronan’s mother after all, you are his mom, even that fucking cancer can’t take that away from you.

    Sending you thoughts of love and strength!

    Reply
  27. 2guccigirls

     /  December 22, 2011

    Irish Funeral Prayer. It brings me some sense of comfort, if only for a moment.

    Death is nothing at all.
    It does not count.
    I have only slipped away into the next room.
    Everything remains as it was.
    The old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
    Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
    Call me by the old familiar name.
    Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
    Put no sorrow in your tone.
    Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
    Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
    Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
    Let it be spoken without effort
    Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was.
    There is unbroken continuity.
    Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
    I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner.
    All is well.
    Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
    One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
    How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting, when we meet again.

    Hang On Maya!!!! He’s all around you every day! No one can truly feel anothers pain, but some of us are in the same fucked up game: CANCER! and it’s fucked! Hang in there please and use your amazing voice to help us beat the system and defy the logic of the medical field. That in fact, one person CAN make a difference in this fucked up space and time in your life. Maya’s Mafia!!!

    Reply
  28. Stefanie

     /  December 22, 2011

    My #1 Christmas wish would be that this blog did not need to exist. I wish I would type in http://www.rockstarronan.com one day and it would say “url not found” because I would wake up and dreamt about every day of yours that I have read since you started it. I cant imagine the tricks your mind must play on you. Keep up your crusade Maya, we will help so people dont have to tell of this crappy life anymore. Hugs. Stefanie

    Reply
  29. Patty

     /  December 23, 2011

    I will pray you find some peace this holiday season. You sound like a wonderful soul, and your son will always be a part of you, be honest with yourself about what you’re going through and don’t be afraid to seek the best care possible for you right now. I don’t usually comment on blogs but I felt touched by your words and wanted to reach out in some small way.

    Reply
  30. I can’t understand why the holidays are harder either – my sons are gone every day. And we are Jewish. I wish I could make it easier for both of us. Sending you peace and hugs. Fuck you cancer!!

    Reply

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    Happiness is playing in the forest in a tutu. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #washingtonsummer #tutusandmud #babydoll #theadventuresofpoppy #mybabe #luckymama This is life. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #getbusylivingorgetbusydying #washingtonsummer #gooutside #mybabe #illkeepyousafeyoukeepmewild #missyouro This little human has saved my heart. It will never be whole again, but she has put back pieces that I thought were forever gone. So thankful for you, Poppy Roo. And Liam and Quinn, too. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #washingtonsummer #allgoodthingsarewildandfree #missmyboys #missyouro #summeroflove
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