I hope it’s nice where you are


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15 Comments

  1. Wow. Change a few words and that song was written for you and Ronan. I will always think of him when I hear it. :-(

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  2. Dani

     /  December 21, 2011

    tears are falling for you my sweet Maya. Big Hugs to you. Someday I will meet you and give you one in person. Hang in there girl. For Ro. Always For Ro!
    thanks for making me a huge T.S. fan!

    Reply
  3. I’ve kept meaning to check back on you. Christmas. your first christmas. you know, the whole blurry eye thing, the vomiting….. totally normal. I’m surprised you are still breathing.

    don’t know if this helps. I personally think sometimes people have to stop saying you’ll be ok, everything will be all right, (which, by the way, annoyingly it will. it’s just the way the world works in order to survive and stop itself from exploding from the mixture of pain and love).

    so I’m just going to say it: this could not suck more. the world SHOULD stop. fuck it, ronan died and it’s just all wrong, and someone should rewind the whole fucking thing and put everything back were it belongs.

    my hear breaks for you.

    I’ ve recently come to believe, truly believe, what scientists have been saying all along: nothing ceases to exist, it just transforms itself. you will see ronan again, he’s already here. I know it doesn’t help, hopefully maybe a little. just a little.

    your little rock star should be with you this christmas. and you have to be strong for the rest of your family. but you deserve, at least, to be able to vomit back the world

    with love and the best of intentions

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  4. Kim Covell

     /  December 22, 2011

    My heart truly aches for you..however, you need to wake up and see the two beautiful children you do have and how Ronan loved both of them. Enjoy them. You know how precious life is. I know you miss Ronan…..I can only imagine how you feel. Just a year ago, we were told Benjamin, my 10 week old at the time had neuroblastoma. You should have just shot me. Ronan wouldn’t want you feeling the way you do. He loved life as he loved you. I went through the depression you’re going through with my mom. It was so bad, i went to a doctor to get anxiety pills. I sat on my couch with a full bottle of these things wondering why my mom was taken away from her daughter at such a young age. Then, it came to mind, my mom wouldn’t want me feeling this way and she definitely wouldn’t want me to take this junk into my system. I know you just don’t get over it. I won’t even tell you it’s going to get better in time. It’s been almost 15 years and I still feel as though mom just died yesterday. Just know you’re missing out on two little boy’s lives and I’m sure your husband misses you. They hurt as you hurt. It is different because you are Ronan’s mom. You will always be there. However, you are a mom to two other gorgeous little boys as well and a wife.

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    • Meredith

       /  December 22, 2011

      Hi Kim-It sounds like you’ve been through a lot yourself, and I hope your Benjamin is healthy. But it’s clear in Maya’s posts (at least to me) that she is fully aware of needing to be present in the boys’ lives. Sometimes she cries in public. Sometimes she screams on a mountaintop. And yes, sometimes her husband and children are there when she cannot stop the tears. But she is still a part of their everyday lives, including their happy moments. She laughs with them and is present for them. She still loves them with her mothering love. She is a strong role model–a loyal, sassy, proud woman who believes in her convictions–And through all of this, I’ve continuously thought about how healthy it is for them to grieve together when the time is right. She clearly does her heaviest grieving during the times when she is alone. Can you blame her for needing to scream at the world, cry for this unspeakable loss? I know your intentions are good ones, but let’s offer support. It’s one thing to say you’re worried for her well-being (as an example), but quite another to call her out on her parenting or her role as a wife at a time of such deep and ugly grief. I wish you and your family the best and I hope you’re not offended. I’m a mother myself and Maya’s words have touched me to the very core of my being. While I cannot know her depth of sorrow firsthand, just the thought takes my breath away.
      PS. As I re-read the line about her ‘missing out on two little boys’ lives’, I just have to ask: Don’t you think she knows this and probably feels a ton of guilt for it? It’s not in her control though. She puts on a smile and does what she can. She cannot fake happiness. The boys themselves are missing out because they’ve lost their brother-because they have a void, as well. It’s why situations like this are TRULY TRAGIC. Neither Maya, nor Woody, nor her boys are doing anything wrong. They’re just still devestated.

      Reply
  5. miss you….
    trentemoller

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  6. I found an article in CURE magazine that has an article about a baby diagnosed with neuroblastona in the womb. Discovered during a routine sonogram…..

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  7. Thinking of you. Take care. Fuck you cancer!!

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  8. I know that this is a just plain shit time for you and I just wanted to know that there is somebody (a lot of people actually) out here thinking of you. More than than that, thinking of Ronan and your two little guys. All I can wish is that the days fly by this holiday weekend and you can find even just one moment of peace.

    Reply
  9. Maureen

     /  December 22, 2011

    Thinking of you.

    Reply
  10. When I read your posts, Maya, I hear pain and anguish with a modicum of love and deep down I see a glimmer of hope. In the anger expressed at the awkward comments of those who could not possibly understand and even more, know nothing about how to express their sympathy, I also hear your hope that they will learn how to be better. You express warmth and gratitude to those who have the courage to approach you and talk about Ronan instead of standing back and offering nothing but pitying looks. You eschew pity and detest its expression toward you because you are not pitiable. You welcome with open arms those who embrace Ronan’s message and who step up to the plate to help bring awareness about childhood cancer and who join in the fight to fund and find a cure.
    Your rail against those who stumble over the pettiness of whether you curse and swear in expressing your pain and frustration – the gristle and bone – and miss the more important message content – the meat of the matter. You move people to undertake incredible things for and with you and your cause. Your apparent lack of belief in your ability to do so only adds that much more to the power of what you can (and will) accomplish. You may not move mountains but you will move an army to move them with you.
    What I do not hear in your posts is mean-spiritedness or malice even when faced with the ignorance, pettiness, and lack of caring or thoughtfullness of others you encounter. I hear very little judgement in your posts (but really, who among us has not judged a little at sometime in our life?).
    For all of these reasons, I have no doubt that your cause will become a spearhead in leading all other causes in the battle against childhood cancer.
    To over-use the Star Wars metaphor, Darth Cancer may have struck down Ronan, but in death he has become much more powerful that it could ever have imagined.
    I can easily picture Alec Guiness’ character Obiwan Ben Kenobe looking at you and saying to Yoda, “The force is strong in this one.”

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  11. You know what I was thinking about the other day? How amazing you made Ronan’s life. The only worry he had was if he was going to beat the evil asshole cancer.. And you saved him from all other worries. His whole life, up until the cancer, his biggest worry probably was simple as “I hope I don’t get in trouble for this”… His whole life was happy, because of you. His whole life was beautiful, because of you. Yes, I’m 100% there with you with his life shouldn’t have ended when it did… No way anything could ever make this situation “ok”. But if nothing else, maybe give a half-smile thinking of Ronan and his joy. He was able to enjoy the best of his life to the fullest…

    Anyway, that probably doesn’t make you feel good… But I was thinking about it… I’m sorry if you want to punch me in the face/throat now. I still love you. xo

    Reply
  12. Maureen

     /  December 23, 2011

    Still thinking of you.

    Reply
  13. George

     /  December 24, 2011

    Hi Maya and family,

    I’m the small talk South African guy from Sbux. I am moved by your story and wanted to ask if you are aware of Dr Stanislav Burzynski. I just watched a movie he produced. Without having done the research myself I am not sure what the facts are with him and his medicine but I thought the psynchro-destiny of meeting u and learning about neuroblastoma and brain cancers through his movie were enough for me to reach out and connect these dots.

    There is nothing I can say or do to make this better. Well besides, Fuck Cancer!

    Deepest thoughts and sympathy,
    George of the Jungle

    Reply
  14. Jill McCombs

     /  December 25, 2011

    Maya – I have never wrote to you . I have followed your blog since the beginning of 2011-…I’ve never had the words to write until now. The holidays, Christmas for me is my favorite . To celebrate with family and the joy of giving everything I can to make them happy. I was outside today , and you are your family crossed my mind, like most days since finding your story … And I just cried for you . Fuck all the stress I’ve complained about with Christmas shopping and being so stressed about all of everything – then i think of you … And then my kids . Bam.
    Snap back to reality and just feel such pain for what you and your family feel on a daily basis since Ronan was taken by such a selfish force – what or who or why is all unfuxking acceptable and I admire you for doing and writing what you do .
    I wont ramble anymore seeing as I’m sure you’re pre occupied- weather it’s screaming in a pillow or running your heart out with some bitching purple socks:) all I can say or think of after a year of reading is –
    It’s not your fault ….
    You love him with more than I can even put together and he does as well .
    Please find peace for your heart and with people who truly love you and get thru – and fight. He is always there and will always be there to talk to …
    Since some shithole of a nasty disease selfishly picked his number out of a fucking hat . For no reason .
    No reason at all!!
    Fuck you childhood cancer!
    Let these beautiful babies have their chance at a long healthy life .
    Sorry If I offended you or spoke to freely.
    It’s Christmas night, and all I’m thinking about now is that i hope for you to sleep thru a night and find that peace .
    With xoxo
    Rockstar Ronan & Mafia Maya supporter

    Reply

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