Ronan and a Rockstar


Ronan. Today was one of those days that so many things have happened, that I feel like I’ve lived a week, in a day. I fell asleep earlier, exhausted from everything. I’m up now. Lovely. For the 10 days that Macy was here, I slept like a baby. I slept in a way that I have not slept, since before you were sick. Last night, with no Macy in your bedroom because she had to go back to San Francisco, I tossed and turned all night. I’ve done the same thing tonight. Macy, my natural Ambien is gone and I am back to not sleeping. I talked about this with Dr. Jo today. We chalked it up to being about many things. We think a lot of it is the way Macy takes our sad, empty house and fills it with peace and love. I think I took great comfort in knowing that while she was here, your little room was not empty because Macy was sleeping in it. Now it’s empty again. It’s sad and lonely which in turn leaves me feeling unsettled. So, back to not sleeping I go. I will write to you instead.

This morning I started tossing and turning around 5 a.m. I was groggy from only sleeping for a few hours. My phone beeped with a text message. It was from Dr. Jo around 7 a.m. It said, “Call me ASAP.” Crap. My stomach dropped. Is this something bad? Is she o.k.? My mind immediately goes to the worst place possible which usually involves an awful accident, somebody being seriously ill or dead. I called her back right away.

“Hi Mama!” she said. I said, “What’s wrong? Are you o.k.?” She said she was. She said she was driving down to Phoenix from Sedona but she couldn’t wait until our appointment to talk to me as she had something to tell me. I told her to hold on, so I could get up out of bed. I didn’t want to wake your Daddy. I grabbed your GiGi and went into your room and curled up on your bed. “What’s going on?” Dr. Jo then went on about the dream she had. How she woke up at 2:11 a.m., crying from what she had just experienced because it was that powerful and vivid. It was all about you. She said she saw you. She knew you were dead. How you were so beautiful and had this glow surrounding you. She watched you as you kind of hovered above me but you were nestled in my arms. She said “Hi Ronan!” She asked if she could hold you. You told her yes. She was holding you. Macy was there. You kept telling her, “You have to tell my mom, it’s o.k. I was there with her and Macy. But you have to tell her it’s o.k! Don’t forget. Don’t forget to tell her I’m o.k.” She held you and she said she would tell me. You kept saying those words over and over. She said she went to put you down and you started kicking your little legs telling her you didn’t want to be put down. Dr. Jo said it was one of the most real dreams she’s ever had about a person other than the one she had about her father and the one she had about Cheyanne. I smiled at her dream. I was quiet and then told her the kicking your legs part is so something you would have done. She asked how I felt about her dreaming about you. I told her I was honored that you chose to visit her and that I was so glad that you did. She said she was honored because she never got to know you, but the fact that you let her hold you in her dream, meant so much to her. She kept talking about how beautiful you were, how you had all of your hair. I imagine you looked to her, in her dream the way you looked in real life. With your little pouty lips, tan skin, button nose, that sandy colored hair, and of course, those big blue eyes. Absolute perfection in every way. I am so glad you went to see her last night, Ro. For as much as I don’t know, her dream makes me think that maybe you are o.k. I still don’t know how you can be o.k., without me. But I have to try to trust that you are because I am making myself go crazy with worry, that you are not. I don’t know if that will ever go away but during that time that I listened to Dr. Jo, I felt for a few minutes that it could be possible. I hoped, anyway.

After I got off the phone, I started our day as usual. Got your brothers off to school. Met up with Katie for a quick coffee. Ran to Dr. Jo’s office for a long session. We talked about how last week was. Everything that went on. We went back and forth on the noise that is invading my brain. We made some decisions involving how I would go about handling it. She was proud of me and how I had taken the time to sit with some things instead of acting impulsively on them which is what I would have done in the past. I sat in her office with your blanket draped around my neck as I always do. I often catch myself burying my face into it and smelling it the way you used to. She told me I looked tired. I told her I was so very tired. She offered to fill me up with sugar to get me through the day. I laughed at the 10 Reeces Peanut Butter Cups she had waiting for me on her couch. I peeled myself up, thanked her, and gave her a big hug goodbye. She told me to call her later about some things. I told her I would.

I had a little time before I had to get your brothers. I came home just to get a few things done so your Daddy will not divorce me. Things that I needed to get done like paying bills and putting laundry away. I came home to our quiet house which I hate but I cannot escape at all times. I escape it a lot. I avoid being here, alone, in the middle of the day as much as I can. It is such a sad, quiet house without the little pitter patter of your feet. Without your little voice that used to fill up this entire house with such love. Everything is different in such a bad way. A bad way which includes this reality that will not go away. No matter how many miles I run in a day or how far away I drive. It’s here to stay.

My phone rang from a blocked number today. Normally, I wouldn’t have picked it up, but I was clued in earlier in the day as who it may be on the other end so I picked it up.

“Hello.” I said in my best not 15-year-old voice ;) (that was for you, Sparkly)

“Hi, is this Maya?”

“This is she.” I replied.

“Hi Maya, it’s Bret Michaels.”

I simply replied, “Hi Bret,” as if I have known this huge Rockstar my entire life. It didn’t truly dawn on me, who I was speaking to. At least not while I was on the phone with him. That changed after I hung up and processed all that was said. It changed for the few minutes that I allowed it to, but then I remembered. Mr. Bret Michaels is indeed a Rockstar. But even more importantly, he is a dad. He is a parent. He gets this because at the end of his crazy filled days, it is the love of his life and his kids that matter most. He knows what really matters most in this world and it is not his name in bright, shiny lights. He gets the bigger picture of things and what is truly important.

He started off by saying how much he and everyone around him, thinks about us. How he has read this entire story. How sorry he was. I thanked him. He kept saying over and over that he wanted to help in any way he could. To please just let him know what he could do, and he would make it happen. He talked about how he gets asked to support a lot of charities, but he really only supports a few as he doesn’t want to confuse people. I know diabetes is close to his heart as he struggles with it and wants to find a cure. He told me that he wants to support this. How he wants to help me change things. We talked about the things he can do. We talked about the connections he has which are HUGE. He just worked with the Trumps on a Fundraiser that raised a million dollars. He told me he works closely with them and he would be happy to be the link between us. The things he has offered to do are bigger than anything I could have ever thought possible. I mean, I know I have huge goals and a very different vision for your Foundation, Ronan. I know how much I believe in you and what that little face of yours is going to do. Now, here is this huge Rockstar who believes in you too and is offering to do whatever he can to help. Here is a Rockstar who is not only talking the talk, but who wants to walk the walk. He wants to meet with me before the end of the year to get the ball rolling on some of the things we talked about. I started to cry. I asked him where this huge heart of his came from. He sounded choked up and I just started thanking him over and over. We left it by him saying, he would not be in touch next year…. he would be in touch in a few weeks so we can figure out where exactly we can take this. I hung up the phone. I sat in my car and cried. For so many reasons. The timing of his phone call could not have come at a better time. You know what I have been struggling with. If this was ever a sign to stop second guessing myself and my voice, this was it. This is it. I know not everyone is going to be o.k. with the way I’ve chosen to express myself because people are afraid of the truth. I don’t want to appeal to the everyone’s of the world. Because the everyone’s of the world are not worthy of your beauty. I believe the world is changed by the unique people of the world who are not afraid to take chances, who think outside of the box, who bend the rules, who don’t conform because they follow their hearts. I believe the world will change because of the people like Bret Michael’s. A man who has such a big voice but an even bigger heart. This is so you, Ronan. This is all you. You would have been so proud today. I smiled and cried because this is so fitting for you. You and your love for all things Rock and Roll. You and your wild and free ways. Because ALL GOOD THINGS ARE WILD AND FREE. In life and in death the wild and free, doesn’t change. It lives on forever.

So, after I stopped pinching myself today, I started putting together a plan. I ran some things past your Daddy. I tucked in your brothers. I fell asleep for a brief amount of time thinking about how the power of you and our love, really is moving mountains. I am so thankful that there are such good people out there, who believe in us and who want to help be a change for things like Neuroblastoma so that one day, a mommy and daddy don’t have to endure what we are having to survive. I told your Daddy how the thing I loved most about the Bret Michael’s story was that how it just came to be, naturally. How it wasn’t forced. I truly believe that is how the best things come about. I don’t want to have to plead my case to thousands of different people as to why you are so worth fighting for. I just want to continue our love story that is never going to have an ending. I just want to continue to write the things I think or feel. And if people like Bret Michaels are so moved that they want to help… well, that shows me that what I am doing, is a step in the right direction. I don’t want the “you,” to get lost in all of this. I refuse to let you become a “brand.” I refuse to let you be treated like a business transaction. You are my son. I promise, I will not let the you in all of this, get lost. Ever.

That is all for tonight Ronan. Thank you for being behind this. I know this is all you. I know it is all you, who is touching so many people out there, who are worthy of the beauty you are bringing to the world. The timing of everything has been too impeccable for you, not to be the one behind all of this. You were much too wise for this earth. It was always so obvious to me how different and special you were. The fact that you are making things like this happen, makes me trust even more that our adventure is far from being over. I am just here to sit back and let you guide me. Thank you for guiding me during the times that I feel the most lost.I trust in you. I believe in you. That is enough for now. G’nite baby doll. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

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34 Comments

  1. Holy cow! How incredible is Bret Michaels?! He is one of my favourite musicians in the world (love love love Poison) and I saw him earlier this year in concert. When I read that he is going to help with raising more awareness for childhood cancer…I couldn’t help but cry. Such amazing news, Maya. Look at you and Ro – moving mountains like no one else could. So amazed that someone like Bret Michaels, who has so much already going on, is so willing to give his time and energy to so many wonderful causes. I really can’t think of anyone better to help spread the word about childhood cancer because he seems like a very genuine guy. So proud of you, Maya – you are truly changing the world and making it a much better place. I will be rockin’ my Poision t-shirt with even more pride now!!!

    Reply
  2. Bawling. Absoutely bawling.

    What an amazing man. I am speechless.

    See, Maya — you ARE amazing, and inspirational!! What a legacy Ronan is leaving behind!

    Reply
  3. This letter to your boy was full of such amazing things. It is so nice Ro visited Dr. Jo. It is so nice people are starting to pay attention. Sending love and peace. xxoo

    Reply
  4. Jaime H.

     /  November 30, 2011

    Wow, Bret Michael’s, what a guy! I always had a crush on him as a young girl :) That is amazing! Big changes, positive ones, are to come! I am praying for you each step of the way Maya! You and your family are always in my thoughts and prayers. Much love to you and the family today! xoxo

    Reply
  5. angie

     /  November 30, 2011

    Holy FUCKBALLS!!! I knew Bret was a good soul. I have always loved Bret the rockstar, but when I watched his reality show with his family I knew he was the real deal. I am so happy for you, Maya. Fuck the black suits, we only need rock n’ roll attire!!!!!

    Reply
  6. Jennifer

     /  November 30, 2011

    Amazing!!!! Bret Michaels, Taylor Swift…..these people can really get things moving. So exciting! I can’t wait to see all the greatness that comes from you and Ronan. Go Maya’s mafia!!

    Reply
  7. Maureen

     /  November 30, 2011

    Fucking awesome!!! yay!yay!yay! Go Maya go!
    Praying for peace,
    Mo

    Reply
  8. The Brett Story is awesome!!! Did you see he was wearing one (possibly two) of Ronan’s bracelets…..he showed a picture of himself in a plane on his way to Vegas last night on his FB & his blog. Annnnnndddd, he’s got some of those beautiful Rockstar Ro eyes!!! <3

    Reply
  9. Glenda

     /  November 30, 2011

    Maya … You and Rockstar Ro are moving mountains!!!

    XO

    Reply
  10. Amy

     /  November 30, 2011

    I cry at all of your posts, but this one had me totally crying! Crying for the sweet dream that Dr. Jo had and hoping it brought just an ounce of peace to you, if only for a moment. Her dream reminded me so much of the one I had right after Ronan passed away…He had all of his hair and was smiling so big and waving. I have never met you guys, but I swear, it was one of the most vivid dreams I’ve ever had. LOVE that Bret Michaels contacted you and is going to do big things in Ronan’s name! I can hardly wait to see where this goes, and I will do everything I can to support it!

    Reply
  11. Rita Dickinson

     /  November 30, 2011

    Maya – I continue to read your letters to Ronan every time you post one, but I haven’t responded in quite a while. I’ve been trying to think of something to do. Have you thought of writing a book? I have 3 books published and have worked on others. I’m not good at the marketing part, but you have lots of lovelies who are. I’m decent at the writing, though. If you want to put your story together, let me know. 602.616.4032

    Reply
  12. While Bret Michael’s phone call should be the the most amazing part of this blog, and believe me, it is mighty amazing….Dr. Jo’s dream, well that just warmed and melted my heart. I love that Ronan is showing us how amazing, genuine, and GOOD soooo many people are through this tragic and fucked up journey. Thank you, Ro for showing your Mama the way each and every day….and shi’ite’s Maya….so so happy that some days you are able to look through the fog barely above water and see him helping you through the incredible pain. RO has big plans for you Maya, for all of us, but especially for Neuroblastoma!!!!! Wherever he is, I imagine he is celebrating big today, Dr. Jo got an important message to his Mommy and Bret Michaels is ON BOARD!!! NB Ronan is gunning for you so watch the fuck out!!!!

    Reply
  13. Marcy Shipman

     /  November 30, 2011

    Oh my gosh!!! That is incredible to have Bret Michaels supporting Rockstar Ronan! What a perfect fit!! I have always been a HUGE Poison/Bret Michaels fan and am an even bigger one now!! I can’t wait to see what comes of this. I truly believe this is just another step in Ronan reaching out to help in your healing process…and what an incredible way for Rockstar to do that! When you Thompson’s do something you all obviously do it big!! It will be so exciting to watch how gigantic Ronan’s foundation is about to become! I am beyond excited for you and can’t wait to see what those of us following from afar can do to help!!

    Reply
  14. Natalie

     /  November 30, 2011

    I have GOOSEBUMPS! You are making this happen!!!!!!! LOVE Bret Michaels more than ever!!!!! What you are all doing for Childhood Cancer is just AWESOME! Thank you!!!!!!!!

    Reply
  15. sara maurer

     /  November 30, 2011

    I cannot get Dr.Jo’s dream out of my head. Oh my god, Maya, I really believe he was there to tell you he is alright. Straight to tears once again. I am so amazed by his beauty and how you’re both changing things, and now with Bret on board! Truly amazing!

    Lots of love…..

    Sara

    Reply
  16. amy

     /  November 30, 2011

    Amazing. Don’t give up. You are moving mountains.
    xoxoxo

    Reply
  17. dawn

     /  November 30, 2011

    You are amazing..and by just being you amazing things will happen. Your love for Ronan shines through in everything you do.
    HUGS!!!!!!

    Reply
  18. Laura

     /  November 30, 2011

    What an amazing couple of events. You are going to change the world of children’s cancer. Our love, thoughts and prayers go outntomyour entire family.

    Reply
  19. Dana

     /  November 30, 2011

    WOW…that is fucking amazing! Not only Bret Michaels but the dream, the dream! I hope the dream brought you a little bit of comfort & a smile to your face.
    Thinking of you always. Stay strong, stay positive & keep kicking ass! Xxoo

    Reply
  20. Sheryl Mobley

     /  November 30, 2011

    I can’t wait to see it unfold! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HGPKQfA-Ms

    Reply
  21. Kim

     /  November 30, 2011

    Much love and “cyber hugs” to you, beautiful mamma!

    Reply
  22. Ronan and you are changing the world! Fuck you cancer.

    Reply
  23. Leona

     /  November 30, 2011

    DAMN!! This is bloody amazing…..well actually, it’s actually about time!

    Good on ya Maya…..you and Ro are doing this! I hope you see that!

    Love to you~!
    xoxo

    Reply
  24. Bret and Ronan, a rockstar duo!!! Your love story – and your guts to tell it – is epic!

    Reply
  25. Nicole

     /  November 30, 2011

    Me too! Bawled while reading and after!!

    Reply
  26. Jess

     /  November 30, 2011

    You say people like Bret Michaels are going to change the world. People like Bret Michaels Maya, and people like you and Ronan. I can just feel it. Just want you to know there is a little teacher’s store here in Toronto Canada that is asking for donations to fight childhood cancer. There is now a certificate hanging on their wall for Ronan (complete with a purple star of course!)

    Thinking about you, and your gorgeous family and inspired by you guys every day!

    xo

    Reply
  27. Michelle H.

     /  November 30, 2011

    Talk about confirmation that you ARE doing the right thing! Especially in light of your last posts talking about some doubters that might have made you second guess yourself for a bit. So happy for you! After seeing Bret Michaels on The Apprentice I too was ├╝ber impressed with what a kind heart he has, so it doesn’t surprise me that he is so touched by sweet Ronan and a mama’s love that is so true. Big hugs to you tonite…xo

    Reply
  28. a stranger who cares

     /  December 1, 2011

    maya – you have an amazing ability to simultaneously break my heart and lift me up… add me to the bawling list. you and ro are absolutely still – and forever – on the most amazing adventure ever. together. always together. hugs and wishes for peace to you, woody, liam, and quinn. ronan already has his peace… he’s changing the world, by his mama’s side. quite the adventure indeed!

    p.s. – thank you for sharing your blue-eyed angel with us! and extra hugs to woody… it’s such a shame this world hardly allows a mother to grieve, let alone a father. no matter what anyone thinks, men don’t lose their strength by grieving… they gain it. again, wishes for peace for you all. <3

    Reply
  29. A story to be told, a legacy to behold………….Ronan Sean Thompson and Bret Michaels (yes THE Bret Michaels) are working together to find a cure for NEUROBLASTOMA. FU cancer!

    Reply
  30. Stefanie

     /  December 1, 2011

    Keep going Maya!!!!! :)

    Reply
  31. Cherie

     /  December 1, 2011

    Thank you for sharing your feelings with all of us. I found your blog on a comment someone put under Bethenny Frankels website. I am so thankful I found this! Ronan is moving mountains and teaching all of us to be better human beings.

    Reply
  32. Maria

     /  December 2, 2011

    Everything about this blog entry made me cry. Dr. Jo’s dream was POWERFUL! And the the call from Bret Michaels….amazing. So proud of you!

    Reply
  33. Nicole B

     /  December 2, 2011

    I just want your love story with Ronan to continue too. Keep telling it. Boldly and unapologetically. You are an inspiration and so is that phenomenal little Rockstar!!!

    Reply

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    She thought it was the best day ever, until she found out she had to leave Washington. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #nonono #notreadytogo #washingtonsummer #thisisnotthebestdayever That hair, though. #poppy #ronan #washingtonsummer #fucancer #poppyroo #nofilter #theadventuresofpoppy #hairenvy So beautiful. Happy Fuck Cancer Friday, Fuckers. #ronan #fucancer #fuckcancerfriday #fgif #cancerisanasshole #beautifulpoetry
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