Happy Fucking SucksGiving!!!!!!!!!!


 

 

 

Ronan. Well fuck. I had an entire post written and I went to update something else and it got erased. Bloody Hell, baby doll. Guess that’s how this day had to start off since it’s our first official Fucksgiving. Or Sucksgiving. Or Macegiving. Or the sweetest one of all, RoGiving. Yup. It’s here. That stupid time of year. When all of the normals out there are sitting around giving thanks on today, when they should be giving thanks every freaking day that they are alive, with their healthy kids. I know our little secret though. Our little secret about all of our darling little readers out there. Well, most of them. I’m sure there are assholes out there who read this blog and just go about their ignorant ways. We can’t save them all, Ro. I know our most beautiful lovelies are spending this Sucksgiving, differently, because they are all thinking about you. And how truly blessed they really are. I know none of them are ungrateful and I know they are living each and every day, to the fullest, making the MOST of the messes their children make because they are so thankful to have them there to make messes. I’m not going to lie though. The thought of everyone else, getting to be extra grateful, because of you; because of us and our story, makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me sad. It stings. But it is the gift that you left behind. A gift that I am trying my hardest to be grateful for. But you know Ro, that Thanksgiving has been banned at our house this year. I have NOTHING to be grateful for. And I’m sure to some, this makes me seem like an ungrateful beoytch. But I don’t care. Because I know what the normals out there are all saying because I have been hearing it all week. “You have so much to be grateful for.” “You have the most beautiful sons and husband and friends.” Shut up, Fuckwads. I am aware of the beauty that surrounds me but that doesn’t take away the fact that you died and you don’t get to be here with us on this fucking ignorant holiday. That doesn’t change the fact that all I want to do today is survive because I made a promise to our Mr. Sparkly Eyes and to Dr. JoRo that I intend on keeping only because I keep my promises. And I won’t break them to those two because they are walking this dark walk with me and will never turn away, no matter how painful it may be. And yes, because of your Daddy and your brothers. That is a given and never even needs to be said. So Fucksgiving is here. And I cannot wait for it to be over.

I’m so sorry I have not written is so long. I have been so busy. So tired by the end of the day, that I have been crawling into bed at night and passing out. Without the Devil Ambien. Passing out from mental exhaustion. Macy is here. I know you know that. She got here on Friday, so she has been here almost a week. She is sleeping in your room. Can she just move in with us, please? New York Miss Macy makes everything better. EVERYTHING. You know, Ro. I know we have only known Macy for just about a year but FUCK…. she is one of the biggest gifts to come of this bloody nightmare. I’ll never forget the first time we met her and when she came bursting through the doors of the Ronald McDonald House from the cold streets of New York with her big eyes, just like yours. Her sweet smile, long flowing hair, and her arms full of gifts for you and your brothers. You were always so leery of strangers, but you fell in love with New York Miss Macy within seconds. I watched your little eyes light up as this stranger chased you around and had you giggling within minutes. I watched the way that I was able to forget that you were indeed, my very sick child. It was pure magic. It was so natural. It was true love. New York Miss Macy stayed with us the entire time we were in NYC and helped take care of you. NY Miss Macy, moved away to San Francisco and when we had to go to that city, to look into a treatment for you, it was her that you could not wait to see. New York Miss Macy came here before you passed away, to spend some time with you before you left. New York Miss Macy, came back for your funeral. New York Miss Macy is here now, for Sucksgiving, because she knows I would not be surviving this, without her. New York Miss Macy has spent all week with me, your Daddy, and your brothers. She has been cleaning, doing laundry, making beds, rubbing backs, pouring dish soup in the dishwasher by accident which has caused a never-ending soapy mess which has left me in giggles. She has laughed with me, cried with me, and listened to me while I scream, cuss, and stab food to death. She went up to Sedona with me for the day to see Dr. JoRo. We spent the day talking with Jo. We all went on a barefoot hike. Macy provided the entertainment by trying to barefoot hike with us, but she could only stand the pain for so long. Dr. Jo and I cracked up at the way she winced in pain with every step. She was a trooper for even trying. Macy drove us home from Sedona as I was so exhausted from the day that I could barely keep my eyes open. She was just as tired as she spent much of the day, crying with me. She is doing exactly what I need her to be doing, Ronan, and I haven’t even had to ask or tell her. New York Miss Macy is walking through the dark side, with me. New York Miss Macy is just letting me be. New York Miss Macy has never left. New York Miss Macy, is not running away because she does not know what to do with me. New York Miss Macy is not just our friend, Ronan. She is our family. Do you know what she did this morning, on FUCKING FUCKSUCKINGCOCKSUCKING Sucksgiving? She had a surprise for us. Yesterday, she had our Mandy Bee help her run an errand so she could do something for us today, for you. She went out and found the most beautiful purple tree for us to plant in our backyard. She wrote us the sweetest card that I could hardly read because just seeing the tears pour out of her eyes, said it all. She is that thoughtful and her heart is so big that it is capable of taking this sad, sad, house and filling it with a love that everybody feels, even with your absence. On everyday but today, because I am banning this holiday, I am so thankful for that girl. The girl that some people tried to tell me, would go away, after all of this was over because she “chose,” to inject herself into our “situation.” ¬†Macy did not choose to inject herself into anything. You chose her for me, Ronan. You chose her because I think you always knew, it would be her that would be the one to help to save me. I always knew it too. I always knew that Macy would not up and forget us, or you. I was a first hand witness of how the love for you, shined through her eyes. How it still does. How it always will. That will never change. If anything, it will just become stronger. So, here we are today. Still in our pajamas with the football on, your brothers running around the house, Macy curled up on the couch, reading a magazine. The perfect family. Almost, baby. Almost.

Yesterday, Ronan. I am glad yesterday is over. Guess what I had happen to me for the first time? I woke up from my sleep with an excitement that filled my entire body. I sprung out of bed, my feet hit the floor, and I got about 10 steps in as I was headed to your room, to wake you up. I had forgotten that you had died. As soon as I remembered, I fell to the floor and started to cry. I picked myself up, got into the shower and continued to cry. I got ready, while still crying. I went and called Dr. JoRo, as I couldn’t get myself under control. When I finally composed myself enough to finish the task at hand, which was packing your brothers lunches, I went about my day but I couldn’t shake the feeling from the morning. To feel that excitement, that pure bliss and then to have it all ripped away within seconds was like losing you all over again. It shook me to the core and left me in a fog for the rest of the day and night. Fucking BULLSHIT. Fucking BULLSHIT that Cancer killed you. My healthiest child. Fucking BULLSHIT that we are all stuck here, without you. Nothing will ever be enough, Ronan. Nothing will ever take away the way I yearn for you every second of the day. It is just something I will have to learn to live with. The way that Bella from Twilight (yup, Macy and I totally went to see that movie) will have to learn to live her new life as a vampire is the way I feel. Except lucky Bella. She will never have to be apart from the love of her life, Edward Cullen. Fuck. The whole time I was watching that movie I wished so badly that Vampires were real and that I was one of them and when you died, I imagined your little body laying in the bed. I imagined myself biting your body to inject you with my venom to turn your into a little Vampire, so that we would never have to be apart. I played that picture in my head, over and over again. You would have been the most beautiful vampire. Edward Cullen would have had nothing on you. If only Vampires were real. If only you just hadn’t gotten sick with Cancer and died. If only the fucking medical world would get a clue. If only Childhood Cancer, was as recognized as AIDS. If only. I have so many of them in my life now.

I have to go now Ro, baby. I have to get ready for our White Trash Chinese Eating Mustache Fucksgiving that we are going to try to have. I have to get ready to beat the shit of our 1 or our 3 pinatas. I’m so sorry you are not here. I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. I will love you forever.

xoxo

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24 Comments

  1. Colleen from DC

     /  November 24, 2011

    Wish I could take away your pain today and always, Maya. I have been thinking of you and Ro all day. So glad you have Miss Macy with you. Big hugs.

    Reply
  2. What a different type of world we’d live in if we all had our own Miss Macy. Thankfully, she’s all yours. I’m grateful for my girls …the messes, the colored on walls, the half full juice boxes … but, I’m grateful and humble to relish in their health and vibrance. Thanks, Maya…

    Reply
  3. I love you Maya. I love NewYork Miss Macy for loving and not leaving you. Although I was an awesome mom before knowing you, I’m now a FUCKING awesome mom. So although this day is not a cuntastic day, you’ll survive it because of Ro. <3. Thank you for sharing and letting us love your blue eyed spicy monkey love. He truley lives in my heart today and everyday. (and just for you Ro, my son and I ate M&M cookies for lunch today!!)

    Reply
  4. Glenda

     /  November 24, 2011

    Maya,

    Thinking of you, Rockstsr Ro, Woody, Liam and Quinn.

    So glad you have New York Miss Macy there with you!!

    Peace and strength
    Xo

    Reply
  5. Sending you strength as always and love

    Reply
  6. a stranger who cares

     /  November 24, 2011

    i too am boycotting these insipid holidays because of multiple losses i’ve suffered this last year. and even worse, because another loss seems imminent… from fucking cancer. so i’ve stayed in my bed in my jammies and hidden from the world, soaked in my unending tears. i don’t have a macy. or even a woody, and certainly not a liam or a quinn. i’m so glad you do. death has taken everyone closest to me, either literally or because they left my life by choice when i didn’t cope according to their fucked up timelines. as if the grief ever stops! so even though you may choose not to be thankful for anything on this one stupid holiday (and i wasn’t planning to!), i will be thankful today for you, for ro especially-that this sorry world was graced with his presence and that he will continue to grace this world in a different way forever. and that you have such a great support system, people you can always count on. not all of us have even that. and i will hope ro sends you a sign tonight that he’s happy and safe and loving his mama. sending you hugs and wishing you peace, maya. always.

    Reply
  7. My first holiday alone. I woke up this morning feeling a little sorry for myself. Decided that was a waste of energy. Strapped on my shoes and went for a run. Towards the end, the sun broke through the fog, “if I die young,” came on my ipod and I instantly saw Ronan’s face. The sweetness of life in that moment cannot be expressed in words.

    My love to YOU, Ronan, and your friends and family today and always.

    Reply
  8. Leona

     /  November 24, 2011

    Love. Love to you. Love to Miss Macy for being awesomesauce enough to be here for you.

    Your line “FUCKING FUCKSUCKINGCOCKSUCKING Sucksgiving? “, I have to admit, had me laugh out loud………because I swear, that sounded like it came out of my mouth. My husband calls me a white trash trucker when I curse like that!!

    As always, my thoughts are with you….I wish I lived closer to you so I could help you more!!

    Hugz
    L~

    Reply
  9. I was so scared when you didn’t post. I’ve been checking at least 10 times a day. I’m not a “normal” anymore and I’m frustrated. I’ve been donating money to the cause and bought the t-shirt but it’s not enough. What can we do??

    Reply
  10. susan

     /  November 24, 2011

    have you ever come across a baby named Tripp? he is dying from a disease called eb. His mom blogs about it at ebing a mommy.

    Reply
  11. Laura

     /  November 24, 2011

    Love, thoughts and prayers for your entire family. So glad Miss Macy is here, she is our Aunt Carol…feel so blessed to have this stranger who is now here and blessing your families life. Give thanks for small p,easures and the Miss Macys in our lifes.

    Reply
  12. I hope that you survived and that you are going back to bed soon. An extra fuck you cancer today. Take care.

    Reply
  13. Susi

     /  November 24, 2011

    Orange 4 Owen

    Please check out this facebook. This family lost their son suddenly on March 17, he was only 8.. no time for goodbyes, no illness, just a kid going home with his family from his sisters band concert. I truly feel for your loss….
    Today we give thanks for all that we have. Even though we miss Owen every minute of every day we feel his presence always and are secure knowing that he is with our Lord watching over us. We are truly blessed to have your prayers, love and support to help us carry on. Happy Thanksgiving!

    Reply
  14. Thank Ro for Miss Macy!!! I wish that everyone going through what you’re going through had a Macy…and a Dr JoRo!!!
    Fuck being thankful, Maya – of course you have many beautiful blessings in your life (the way you talk about Quinn, Liam and Woody is a testament to that and I know you are thankful for them every day) but nothing changes the fact that cancer is an ASSHOLE and took your beautiful blue eyed boy and anybody who tells you that you should give thanks really just doesn’t get it in my opinion. They might want to pretend that everything is rainbows and butterflies…they can blow it out their ass.
    Sending you so much love as always. I wish I could bring Ro back for you but since I can’t, I will live the rest of my life keeping his memory and spirit alive, just like the rest of your mafia. We love you.

    Reply
  15. Susi

     /  November 24, 2011

    oops, I was copying and pasting and couldn’t get back up to my msg I was leaving before the paste of the quote. Anyway, I am truly one of the moms touched by Ronan and your story.. I typically read your blog on Sunday nites, not sure why I was thinking of you tonite, or maybe we both know, your story touches all who reads and feels it.. The above post re Orange 4 Owen is similar to yours, a mom, trying to cope in the aftermath of a tragic tragic loss… I have been thinking of both your sons and honestly, can’t move past either story,,, an illness that slowly takes and a tragic accident by a moment of bad judgement, forever changing the lives of all… no real answer, but wanted to share with you for some reason.. I have never posted before… I do know,, I have shared your story and it’s almost like its a family member of mine or I assume everyone I know has heard of Ronan.. the other day someone was telling of a child with a brain tumor and I said, “it sounds like the cancer Ronan had”,, and I was surprised when they didn’t know who I was talking about. I too have twins, and I keep them in my thoughts as well.. take care.

    Reply
  16. Michelle H.

     /  November 24, 2011

    Thirty three minutes and counting
    and you will have officially survived this day. I thought of you often today and really tried to honor what you are going through by appreciating everything, everyone, a little bit more. And yes, it must suck beyond belief to know that people are appreciating the little things so much more because of Ronan. I hate the idea of reaping some sort of benefit from someone else’s loss, so do know that even though we are trying to live with greater appreciation and not get caught up in the little things, it is a very bittersweet feeling when you hug a little tighter because you are thinking of Ronan. It’s just so unfair, words don’t suffice :(. Praying for you so often…xo

    Reply
  17. Natalie

     /  November 25, 2011

    Thinking of you Maya…I fucking love the footed pj picture! :) Classic!!!!!

    Reply
  18. Kristina

     /  November 25, 2011

    Today someone on facebook posted a picture with their family all dressed in purple. She said they started a “Purple Friday” tradition. I don’t think they meant childhood cancer, but I think we can rename this stupid black Friday and instead of shopping be donating and caring for children with cancer…

    Reply
  19. Maya M.

     /  November 26, 2011

    I’ve been reading your blog since October of 2010. I’ve cried, I’ve laughed, I’ve hurt, and I’ve wanted to crawl out of my skin for you. I, myself am a mother of a 3 yr old and 2 yr old.
    Maya, today was the first time I have read your blog and actually rolled my eyes in frustration as you described very verbally how you have nothing to be fucking thankful for. I, myself, work for PYSIH.Com (People You Will See in Hell.com). I have to write about the worst of the worst people. Peope you will,indeed, see in hell. Reporting stories of child molesters, baby rapers, baby killers, child abuse in the form of fucking torture everyday for 6 years gives you a thick skin. You have to in order to keep your faith in humanity alive and not fall into a severe depression. I have continuously empathized and sympathized with your struggle and tragedy. After reading this entry I felt I needed to put it out there, what you indeed should be fucking thankful for. Be fucking thankful that you had the opportunity to sit with your baby, horrific as it was, every fucking day from the day you were told he had cancer to the night you kissed his lips and held him in your arms with your husband as he slipped away. Be fucking GRATEFUL that he wasn’t stolen from you, that you never had to endure the agony of not knowing where your baby was, who he was with, and what they were fucking doing to him! Be fucking GRATEFUL he wasn’t raped, and tortured, and burned alive, or passed around in a basement while 10 grown men had their sick way with him. Be fucking GRATEFUL that he wasn’t tied to a fucking furnas, alone, crying out for YOU, only to not have YOU be able to save him. I can go on for days of all the horrific things that children, babies, toddlers, and infants have had to endure at the hands of strangers or even their own parents, until the day their lives were viciously taken from them in the most emotionally and physically painful ways possible. I will continue to follow your blog and donate to the research and support you and your family/friends through this unimaginable heartbreaking journey you have had to endure. But STOP with the fucking ungrateful and unthankful bullshit you pulled with this post. Maybe you should take a workshop with parents whom have had their beautiful babies/children torn from their own arms, tortured, murdered, all the while calling out for their mommies to come save them, to help them, and never show up. Try sitting on THAT thought, Maya. All the while, while Ronan was dying in front of you, killing your soul in the process, whenever he called out for you, you were there. Whenever he cried out in pain and agony and fucking fear, you were there for him. Holding him. Kissing him. Comforting him. Telling him to come with you, to get the fuck out of there. You have NO fucking clue how goddamn lucky you are to have had the blessing of being with your child as he was dying. Enough. ENOUGH, Maya. Please think about that. Step outside of your clusterfuck of anger at the world for taking your beautiful boy and look around at parents that didn’t have what you had, and what you still have. I admire you in so many ways and I know that you are strong enough to put an end to the energy you are wasting by being so angry about something you can’t go back and change. Because right now, Cancer is winning. Cancer is kicking your ass. Cancer is succeeding in killing your son from the inside out and now killing you from the outside in.

    Reply
    • Dear Maya M,

      That exhausted me. If you read closely enough, you would have read that I am thankful everyday for the things I have/have had. I chose to boycot Thanksgiving for many reasons this year. Mostly because I think it is stupid to celebrate the things we r thankful for

      on this commercialized holiday.

      Thanks for trying to get it though.

      Reply
    • Not sure if it is appropriate for me to respond to this (I will leave it up to Maya to decide whether or not she wants it posted)…but I just wanted to say that just because Ronan did not die in any of the horrific ways you mentioned above, the result is still the same – he is no longer here and therefore Maya, like all those other mothers, is still without her baby boy. So what if a person didn’t murder her child? Cancer did…cancer showed no mercy on Ro and on so many other children. Cancer belongs in hell with all those other sick and twisted people.
      Maya, and all other parents who have lost their kids, have every right to boycott a day like Thanksgiving. We all know that Maya is grateful for many, many things in her life (it’s obvious how much she loves her family and her amazing friends like Miss Macy), but none of those wonderful things can change the fact that her baby died in her arms and is no longer there to celebrate these holidays with her.
      I truly hope that one day there will be some joy in celebrating these holidays for you, Maya, but I understand that, this year in particular, they can go get fucked.

      Reply
  20. s. wallace

     /  November 27, 2011

    Fuck Cancer, and Fuck a world where a beautiful child like Ronan is taken too soon. You are an inspiration because you do make it through each day without your amazing Ronan here with you and your family. You are an inspiration because the love and dedication you have for him is what every mother should aspire to have for their own children. While it doesn’t change any thing for you, please know that because I know some of Ronan’s story I wake up every day and love my son to the fullest. I talk about childhood cancer and the need to amp up support for research and for the families who are fighting the battle. I tell people about Ronan and I try to encourage everyone to do SOMETHING to help the fight against this monster. I don’t understand what you must feel, and I don’t understand why a beautiful young boy with the most alive and glorious bright eyes is no longer here, but I do know that because of Ronan and because of you sharing his story with us – I try every day to make a difference in honor of him. And by the way, Fuck anyone who has any opinion on how you get through each day or what attitude you do or don’t have.

    Reply
  21. Uhm, Maya M. … You’re ignorant and your long post, using the “fuck” word as common termonoligy with Maya T. is just insulting. You should be thankful that she and her million + readers didn’t verbally assault you. You have the luxury of sitting behind a screen, injecting your opinions on events you were not present for, nor do you have a personal connection with the victims. I can only presume by your comment, you have not suffered the loss of a child yourself. You have NO idea what it is like to know your child is dying and there is NOTHING you can do to stop it. You have NO idea what it’s like to have constant memories of your child in a hospital; feeling helpless and at the mercy of doctors you have no choice but to trust. You do not know what is it like to sit in a funeral home and try to write an obituary for your child. If you want to help and truly admire Maya (or any other grieving parent in the world), keep your inner filter on and “eye rolls” to yourself. Don’t try to tell her what she SHOULD be thankful for, because those other tragic things are not her reality (nor yours). Her reality is the loss of her son, her beautiful, perfect son. Giving thanks to those bullshit things will not make her appreciate her losing her son more. Cancer is NOT winning (must be said like Charlie Sheen), due to Maya T. not wanting to make a crap list of thankfuls on a designated day. So, Maya M., just stick to events you pull off of the news to repost, report and comment about. Please leave the bereaved parent blogs off of your rant list, because they are busy just trying to breathe.

    Reply
  22. Isabelle

     /  November 18, 2012

    Maya,

    I will Never Ever go through another day of my life ( Which I now appreciate so much more) without thinking of you. This year, my New Year’s Resolution will be to: A) Donate money to Ro Baby’s Foundation. B) In September, buy a sparkly purple and gold headband to wear everyday. C) In September, on the school announcements, make sure that they’re saying that everyone should wear purple and gold/yellow. Does that sound good? Hope it does!

    Now, I know that you are so angry at God, and I won’t try to change that. Believe what you want. But I will pry for you and your family and Ro every night for the rest of my life. And, of course, all the brave army guys fighting for their lives. Also, at my church, one of my priests has this saying/prayer:

    Life is short,

    and we do not have too much time

    to gladden the hearts

    of those who travel the way with us.

    So be swift to love;

    make haste to be kind;

    swifter still to forgive.

    And may the blessing of the one

    who made us,

    who loves us

    and who walks the way with us still;

    the one, holy and undivided Trinity

    be with us this day

    and remain with us always.

    Amen

    OK, maybe that last part you wouldn’t like, but the first bit makes me think of Ronan. His love was and is so deep, even though his life was sickeningly short. He loved those who traveled the way with him so deeply.

    Today, I was playing outside hide and seek with my little sister and her friends. Me and one of the girls were hiding behind a tree, and she took a thick piece of grass and made a little green cancer ribbon. “For you,” she said handing it to me. It made me think of Ronan. I told her, “You know what that is? It’s a cancer ribbon.” I explained all about cancer awareness. We were talking about it when we were found. But by then we’d made about five little ribbons. “We should put them on the sidewalk,” I said. “Yes! Then people will know that they should do something about cancer!” This ten year old said. I was pretty impressed. I taught her something today, I hope. Even though they probably blew away, I liked the idea.

    No one should have to live in the pain of your sorrow. I am so sorry. I can’t even describe how sorry, for you, and all the other bereaved parents out there. Love, prayers, and internet hugs, Isabelle

    Reply

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