Is it possible to Die choking on your own Tears?


Ronan. Days are filled with emptiness. They are not getting easier. Nights are worse. Halloween is approaching. How am I supposed to celebrate our favorite holiday, without you? If you were here, we would be going to your school tomorrow to celebrate. I would be tucking you into bed right now, but you would have been too excited to sleep. I’m sure you would be dressing up as someone from Star Wars. It was our tradition.

Baby Ro- Chewbacca. 2-year-old Ro- Master Yoda. 3 Year old Ro- Captain Rex. Who would it have been this year? I’m not sure. Does it matter? It does to me. Halloween cards come in the mail. But nothing for you. I lose it. “What the hell?” I scream! “Did he not exist?!” “Is he that easy to forget?!” The hot tears stream down my face. ” I want a card for him, too! Not just 2. 3 little boys. I HAVE 3 BOYS! I want him back! NO! I DO NOT WANT A PUPPY OR A FUCKING BABY FOR CHRISTMAS! I WANT RONAN! I ONLY WANT RONAN!”

I don’t get to go to your school tomorrow for your Halloween party. I get to go to only Liam and Quinn’s. How am I supposed to put on my bravest face to handle tomorrow? I don’t have a choice. I have to do it for them. I had Quinn’s conference this week. His teachers words….”He is a gift to me. Such a delight. So kind to everyone. Excelling in everything. Needs a little work on his handwriting. He is off the charts in his math….” I felt like I was in an alternate universe. I looked all around the classroom at all the kids’ work. I started to cry. I apologized to his teacher. “I’m so sorry. I have no idea what’s been going on in this classroom. I’m usually the mom that knows it all. That is always helping. I haven’t been in here once this year.” She just looked at me and said that it was o.k. That I have a pretty good reason, not to be. But I don’t want a reason or an excuse.  I just want my life back. I want to be the fun classroom mama again. I don’t know how the fuck I’m going to get through tomorrow. I have thrown up all day about it. I want to go to your school. I want to dress you up. But some evil mother fucker out there decided that you brought me way too much happiness in my life, so you had to go away. But I didn’t do anything wrong to have you taken away. I only loved you so much. That is the only crime I am guilty of committing.

I went to Sedona on Tuesday. Dr. Jo couldn’t make it to Phoenix this week, so I drove up to see her. We did our session at her house and then went and grabbed lunch. It was a long but peaceful day and night. I was able to smile and breathe a bit. I know you know why. You always do. I came home, relaxed and fell asleep all night long. My sleeping has been better. I have not taken my Ambien since the night before I left for my Sedona Grief Retreat weekend. I have been able to fall asleep and I have been staying asleep until about 2 a.m. I always wake up around this time and than, the pacing begins for about an hour or two. I look for you everywhere. I scream into pillows. I cry.  Dr. Jo says it’s my animal instinct taking over. I’m like the mama tiger at the zoo, who has been separated from her baby. The mama tiger paces back and forth. Sometimes she even chews off her own limbs  because she goes crazy not knowing what to do without her baby. I feel like that mama tiger. I’m trapped on the inside of the glass cage, looking for you, watching as everyone on the outside just goes on with their lives. Everyone is happy. How can that be? What? You have a new boyfriend? No. I don’t want to meet him. I want you all to go away. I don’t want to see life go on. I want life to end. I am incapable of feeling the happiness that you feel. That you deserve. I cannot be happy for you. So, please just let me be. I have nothing left to give anyone. I am doing my best to keep myself alive. That is all I am capable of now. Forgive me. But Ronan died. Doesn’t anybody understand? How is Halloween not canceled this year? How is your school, celebrating like it is a normal year? Don’t they miss you so much, that they shouldn’t? No. Only in my mind should they. Because to me, you were so special that the whole wide world should stop. But nobody misses you, as much as I do. Which means that nobody is even capable of feeling the pain that I feel. Which means that nobody loved you more. Which is why I physically hurt so bad 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I don’t get a break from this pain. Ever. Not that I would want it. I wouldn’t give this pain to anyone else. It is mine to carry for the rest of my life because it reminds me every second of the day how much I love you. How much I will always love you. So much that I often think I am going to choke to death, on my own tears.

This week has been a blur. I took your brothers to a park to play after school. They had the time of their lives. They played football in the rain, with some other kids. I could have sworn you were right there with them. I cried on the way home because you weren’t. I told your brothers how sad it made me that you were not there, with them. How much you would have loved it. They were both covered in mud, soaked from head to toe, just like they should have been. Where are you? Who are you playing with? How is it not us? Why is it not us? Do you think I killed you? I was supposed to keep you safe. I promised you I was going to get you better. But then you just died. Just like that. How am I supposed to live with this, Ro?

I don’t know. I don’t fucking know anything anymore except everyday without you is harder and harder and who the fuck came up with the saying that the pain will get easier as time goes on? I know who. Some jackass who is not a mom. Probably some asswad fucking fuckwad scientist who had to bury their cat. Clearly it was not a mom. Or a dad. Who’s almost 4-year-old died.

I don’t know what else to say tonight. Except what I say to you, every night. I love you to the moon and back. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, babydoll. I love you.

xoxo

P.S. Dear loveliest of lovelies:::::: So many of you sweet peas have sent the most beautiful gifts. A lot of it, pretty jewelry for me to wear. Please know these things, always make me smile. Today, I wore one of my new favorite things. A little delicate gold necklace that has, “Fuck Cancer,” inscribed on it as well as a small purple jewel hanging from the chain. Oh, how I proudly wore this today. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. xoxoxoxo a million times over.

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30 Comments

  1. He is just so beautiful Maya. I am so sorry. I hope a lot of things, but they are trivial. You are always on my mind.
    Jera

    Reply
  2. Michelle

     /  October 27, 2011

    I’m sorry. I wish I could change this for you. I know I am one of many that think of you everyday and worry for you.

    Reply
  3. Michelle H.

     /  October 27, 2011

    I am just so sorry Maya..you and Ronan will continue to be on my mind and heart, even more so this weekend with Halloween etc. Sleep well, and may a little Yoda visit you in your dreams tonite ;)

    Reply
  4. Maya, you are strong and an inspiration to all of us out there. I cannot even understand your pain but want you to know you are loved and supported and also, the strongest person I have ever met!

    Reply
  5. We love Star Wars in our house too. You amaze me with your bravery! Happy Halloween to Woody, you and your three beautiful boys! Sending love.

    Reply
  6. KT

     /  October 28, 2011

    Oh Maya!!! This post just breaks my heart. The boys dressed up in all of their Star Wars gear. It’s just f-ing wrong!!!! You will be in my thoughts all weekend, and I’m so sorry you have to go through weekends like this. Love to you and all your cuties!!!!
    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

    Reply
  7. Jaime H.

     /  October 28, 2011

    My sadness and heartache continue for you Maya as I read those words today. I am just so sorry. He was a beautiful, precious blessing. I am praying for you today as you visit your boys school, that all will go well and you can even smile and enjoy some of it! I wish I could ease your pain. Love to you today, xoxo

    Reply
  8. Bianca

     /  October 28, 2011

    I’m so sorry Maya. I can’t imagine how this can get any easier. I’ve been hearing this song lately on the radio and wanted to share it – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YGG6VSImog. Every time I hear it all I can think of is you and Ronan and your unending love for one another.

    That’s one pretty cute Chewbacca. :)

    Reply
  9. MK

     /  October 28, 2011

    What amazing pictures! Holidays suck the absolute worst when your baby is gone. The year my daughter died was the first year I dressed up in costume just to hand out candy. It actually helped me feel a bit better, even if for a second. It was a very last minute purchase but one that got me so many happy & surprised faces when I opened the door.

    Reply
  10. sara maurer

     /  October 28, 2011

    Maya…my heart breaks for all of you. I am so sorry. I thought of Ronan as we were in the Halloween store and saw all the Star Wars stuff. It made me so sad…I wish there was something I could do. You are always in my thoughts.

    Love,

    Sara

    Reply
  11. kazisharon

     /  October 28, 2011

    Maya,

    I have never posted before this although I have read all your posts. I cannot fully explain how your blog has changed me. I have two boys of my own and over the years, I have been so caught up in life that I have forgotten to savor every moment with them, enjoy fully their innocence, their sweet smiles and their love. You helped remind me that they are the reason I am here, that there is nothing more important than them. Everything else can wait for one more hug, one more kiss and one more moment with them.

    I remain so heartbroken for your loss. I read this online just a couple of days ago, I think its part of an Irish prayer:
    “When we lose someone we love it seems that time stands still. What moves through us is a silence… a quiet sadness… A longing for one more day… one more word… one more touch… We may not understand why you left this earth so soon, or why you left before we were ready to say good-bye, but little by little, we begin to remember not just that you died, but that you lived. And that your life gave us memories too beautiful to forget.”

    I read this and thought of you. Ronan is very lucky to have such a wonderful mama, he remains with you where he belongs. The kick-ass spirit, the strength, the love, the kindness…that is all him living in you.
    Love,
    Sharon

    Reply
  12. Alisha

     /  October 28, 2011

    Maya… a friend of mine shared this today and it resonated loudly with me. I wanted to share it with you. I’ve been following you daily since April. I sob for you on bad days, and I smile for you on good days. Ronan has changed my life forever, in a way that no words can even begin to explain. Thank you for your unfiltered sharing of emotions — I hurt so badly for you and I’m so sorry.

    “Remain capable of moving with all the polarities. When sadness comes, be REALLY sad. Don’t try to escape from it — allow it, cooperate. Let it dissolve in you and you be dissolved in it. Be really sad: no resistance, no conflict, no struggle. When happiness comes, be happy: dance, be ecstatic. When happiness comes, don’t try to cling to it. Don’t say that it should remain always and always; that is the way to miss it. When sadness comes, don’t say,’Don’t come to me,’ or,’If you have come, please go soon.’ That is the way to miss it!!!
    soon you will understand that happiness and sadness are two aspects of the same coin. Then you will see that happiness also has a sadness in it, and sadness also has a happiness in it. Then your inner being is enriched. Then you can enjoy everything: the morning and the evening also, the sunlight and the dark night also, the day and the night, the summer and the winter, life and death — you can enjoy all.” -Osho

    Reply
  13. kim

     /  October 28, 2011

    love you maya! i love and miss ronan. i am so sorry that you have to go on everyday with out your soul mate, your spicy monkey. you’re always in my thoughts.
    xoxo

    Reply
  14. Jessica Radovic

     /  October 28, 2011

    It’s just not fair.

    Reply
  15. I can say, with 100% certainty, that I will NEVER forget Ronan — ever!!! His exquisite face and the tragic way his life was stolen from him will forever be engrained in my soul. He is just that spectacular… now, forever, and always. xoxo

    Reply
  16. First off, I want to tell you how PROUD I am that you are able to sleep with out your Ambien. I am also so proud that you get out of bed every day and put one foot in front of the other for your boys and Woody. You are so inspirational Maya and have made such an impact in people’s lives around the world. I thank you so much for that. My personal opinion is that Ronan is resting peacefully with the Lord. And no, it’s not something all people say to make sense of things or to make themselves feel better- it’s what I actually truly believe. God does love you Maya and wants you to draw near to Him and to lean on Him during this hard time. He does not provoke the evil in this world (and did not give Ro cancer), but he can bring you peace in your heart if you just listen and follow Him and His will for your life. You mean the world to God Maya, I truly know that. He purposefully sent His very own son to die for you so that you could live beyond this world. Life on earth is nothing but a mist of time and I know that you want to be with Ronan one day when you are gone too, so please consider what I am saying and make damn sure you know where you are going. I love you Maya, you and your family mean the world to me, and again, this is just another opinion of a fellow follower of your journey and someone who cares deeply for you. Take care.

    Reply
  17. Desiree

     /  October 28, 2011

    I’m so sorry Maya…. Those pictures… SO not fair that he is gone!! I’m so so so sorry. Like we all keep saying, but it must be repeated, you are amazing; we are all here supporting you even from afar, without ever meeting you; you & Ronan are already changing the world! I’m just so incredibly sorry he’s gone and you have to experience this pain…

    Please know that Ronan is part of daily life now, in so many households – and we’ve never even met! The other day at Target, I needed some of those new little ankle socks, the ones that are only 2/$3 and come in all colors, patterns, etc. Right away I saw a pair with purple stars on them. Got them! Right next to them, more stars, had to get those too. Never even gave the others a 2nd thought b/c these will remind me of how precious life is every time I wear them…. Something so small, but Ronan is there. Then today, the kids & I are coloring… My son says “Mom! I learned to draw a star, all by myself!” and it almost brought tears to my eyes. So we started making tons of stars all over the paper… I colored mine purple. And then I reminded him about Ronan and your family’s story….

    Maya, you/Ronan have totally started a “movement” – I’m just so sorry this is the reason why. My heart breaks for you every single day.

    Reply
  18. I think you need to make WWRD wrist bands as well. Are you really going to just walk past those people collecting for a charity that helps teens with cancer, just because you’re late to work? Fuck no! Are you really going to spend all your summer holidays working and hanging around complaining about being bored? Fuck no, I’m going overseas by myself to do volunteer work because I am too fucking lucky to have the life I do. These are decision I would not have made in the past, preferring the comfort of my own tiny bubble, but Ronan has changed my outlook in ways I can barely believe. I know that even 7 billion people changing their lives for the better would not even come close to lessening the pain of losing your little boy even a little bit, but I just wanted you to know that I am always thinking of those big blue eyes and he is inspiring me to make a difference.
    Love to you all xxx

    Reply
  19. Maya, ironically I thought of you all day yesterday knowing this would be your first Halloween without Ronan and then I saw your post this morning…..Heartbreaking. What an unfair world we live in to have to endure this living hell. They say the “First’s” of everything are the hardest, but I don’t believe that now as I am coming up on the “Second” festive season without my son and had to run from Fry’s this week in a near panic attack from all the X-mas junk. Wouldn’t it be nice just to press fast forward through it all? I try my best to breathe, as Dr. Jo advises. I hope that you continue to get a little more sleep as time goes on.

    Here’s a little Halloween Poem to all three of your precious boys: Ronan, Liam & Quinn:

    A MAGIC CHANT

    If in the dark you’re frightened,

    Here’s all you have to do.

    Say: Igga bigga,

    Hunka bunka,

    Dinka danka doo.

    These words give you protection

    From ghosts-and witches, too.

    Say: Igga bigga,

    Hunka bunka,

    Dinka danka doo.

    So if at night a monster

    Should whisper, I’ll get you,”

    Yell: Igga bigga,

    Hunka bunka,

    Dinka danka doo.

    Samuel Exler (1922 – 2008)

    Thinking of all of you. (((BIG HUG)))

    Shawn

    Reply
  20. Glenda

     /  October 28, 2011

    Rockstar Ro is the most beautiful blue eyed spicy monkey “chewbaca” LOVE that picture. He’s absolutely gorgeous!!!

    Maya, Ronan lives through you. You two are one of kind kick ass bad ass.

    Thinking of you two, Woody, Liam & Quinn. Hope you have a good weekend ( if it’s possible)

    Peace & strength
    XO

    Reply
  21. McKenna

     /  October 28, 2011

    Oh Maya.
    I wish I could take all of your pain away, this post just tears at my heart strings and I wish there was something that could be done to relieve this pain. But you not taking your Ambien, and getting up and being there for your husband and sons is amazing.
    I live in Washington, and my son’s high school played Kelso tonight in football. I saw someone wearing your bracelet it warmed my heart to see that. There are people all over this world praying for your family, and sending huge amounts of love your way.

    Reply
  22. “Do not judge the bereaved mother.
    She comes in many forms
    She is breathing, but she is dying.
    She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
    She smiles, but her heart sobs.
    She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.”                                                                                                         –Author Unknown

    I don’t have any of my own words today. Sending you hugs.

    Reply
  23. debbie

     /  October 29, 2011

    Hi Maya…So sorry.
    Ronan was perfect, you can tell by the picture.

    Reply
  24. nicole b.

     /  October 29, 2011

    always thinking of you, Maya. really, everyday. sending love and hugs and always trying to honor Ronan in anyway i can. he is such a precious, beautiful boy.

    Reply
  25. Maureen

     /  October 29, 2011

    I am sorry Maya. I think of you always and pray for peace.

    Reply
  26. Lisa

     /  October 30, 2011

    Hi Maya, I have never met you or your sweet Ronan, just stumbled across your site and your words. I am so terribly sorry for your pain, your your unspeakable loss. All 3 of your boys are beautiful and should be with you. I can promise you that I will not be able to forget your son, and will pray for some easing of your pain.

    A friend of mine has lost 2 children, she has a blog that she writes and some of it was during that time. I don’t know if her words may help, but if you want to look her up, it is http://www.babybolte.blogspot.com/. If there is anyone who can understand your emotions, it is Kristy.

    With love,
    Lisa

    Reply
  27. meshelle

     /  October 30, 2011

    Maya,
    Tonight instead of taking my girls trick or treating for candy I took them to hand out candy at our local Children’s hospital oncology unit. At one and two years old they are not quite able to understand what was going on, but I hope to teach them to value the little things, to stop and smell the roses, and mostly to be kind to everyone. They were just happy to be around other children, but for me and their father it was a Halloween that we’ll never forget.
    I hope that this day wasn’t too much for you and that you were able to sit back and enjoy your family if only for a moment.
    Thinking of you, woody, and the boys often.

    Reply
  28. Michelle H.

     /  October 30, 2011

    Just a quick note to let you know that you’re on my mind…I can only imagine how hard this time is with Halloween and the impending holidays. I worry when you haven’t posted. Just know that someone out there is praying for you tonite…for strength, healing, peace (in some little way at least) and the ability to feel Ronan’s presence always. Big hugs~ xo

    Reply
  29. Daniella

     /  October 31, 2011

    Oh Maya, those pictures of Ronan are just so beautiful. I’m so fucking sorry this happened. Sending you and your family love.

    Reply
  30. kassandra

     /  September 11, 2012

    He is so beautiful. I work with toddlers and after hearing Taylor’s song I had to creep on your blog and see it for myself. I can’t believe this is real and I know that you can’t either. I cry for you and Ronan EVERYTIME I hear his song. I sing his song to my kids at school. I love them so much. I am like their second mother. I don’t have any children, but I can’t imagine even losing one of my toddlers at school. They are my life. I am too young to have kids I suppose, but I want to do anything I can for them. If there is any way I can help this cause further, please email me.

    Reply

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    Sweet dreams, little ones. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #thisroomisrad #sedona #nightynight Had to bring along this babe, too. Poppy's sissy. Can't leave home without her. @knjoy #poppy #ronan #fucancer #poppyroo #slumbersissys #sedona #nightynight I'm thinking everything that happened last night was a sign that I need to slow down a bit. I've been running on empty lately due to not sleeping/stress/anxiety/and always due to missing my Ro so much. This may not be New York, but I think it's where I need to be right now to take a little time out. Thankful for this quiet little break. #ronan #fucancer #sedona #ineedthequiet #slowdona #shhhhhh #nightynight @knjoy @jcaccia
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