Hi. Sorry. I’m fine. Just sad. No need to freak out.


Because this made me laugh. Total amazeballs.

 

 

 

 

Hi. Sorry nobody needs to worry about the crazy post last night. I’m fine. The sadness of Ronan just consumes me sometimes and it gets worse during times that I cannot sleep and all I can do is walk around the house and cry. I am fine. Was just venting. I just miss him and my heart is broken in million pieces.

I love my family. I am thankful to have them. I will not be letting anyone down. I know what my job/purpose is. I’m not a selfish person. I would never leave my family. I am a giver. I will stay here, and give them everything I have until I am 100 years old. I will take care of my boys, because it is what I do best and they deserve the best of everything. But you all have to understand….. I have not had any time, to truly grieve about Ronan. I cannot heal without doing this because of the responsibilities that consume my life. It hurts not to be able to fully let go and give in to my pain where all I want to do is cry/scream/vent for days. Instead, I have to put on this face of happiness, love, and support for everyone around me as I cannot expose my babies to what I am truly feeling. For them to know my true pain, is not something they deserve to see. I struggle with this because my body/soul/ and mind, needs a break from my days of pouring all the love I have into them 24/7. I don’t know how to balance any of this. So I push myself to overcompensate. I laugh with them, I nurture them, I play with them, I love them all day long, I tell them over and over how much they mean to me, I tell them how proud I am of them, I smile for them, I play football with them, I cheer the loudest at their basketball games….. This leaves little time for me to truly feel the way I am feeling because I have to remember that those 2 little boys do not deserve to see their mommy hurting the way I am. So when I need to feel what I feel, I write. I forget that I am writing to all of you, and you worry. I expect that you all know me so well now, that you know when I just need to be sad/scream/vent and I expect you to understand that for as much as my words hurt… I will be o.k. Because you know how much I love my boys and my husband. You know I would never leave them here to get through this without me. I am strong. I am their rock and I am thankful that they need me so much as I don’t know how I would function without them depending on me so much.

Sorry to have freaked you out but I had some things I needed to scream about last night. No need to text my Woo. I was just being honest. Maybe that was not the best idea to put it out there, but I did. I write what I feel and last night, after not being able to sleep and crying for hours, that is what it was.

I’m not apologize for being too real at times. I will not be killing myself, ever,  but sometimes the pain is overwhelming. For all of you that TRULY know me, I trust that you know I will be o.k. I am thankful that you know me, trust me, and know that this is just part of the process. I’m not going to quiet my voice, I’m not going to stop being true to what I need to feel, write, etc….. Maybe people will start listening and stop taking everything for granted in their lives, because of me and Ro. Maybe people will actually start to make a difference in this world because of Ronan’s beautiful face and my raw and real words. Maybe Childhood Cancer will finally get the attention it deserves. Maybe some Billionaire will decided to throw a ton of money into research so someday, Neuroblastoma will become as curable as Childhood Leukemia.

And P.S. I had to apologize…. not because I feel like I owe anybody reading this anything, but because my husband was getting a mass of texts in regards to my post last night. So, I’m sorry to him. AND HIM ONLY.  For making him worry. I’m not sorry for my honesty. I will never be sorry for that. I will never apologize for writing what I feel. Writing what most people would not. I’m not scared of this world. I’m not scared to put this out there. The truth will set you free. I’m not going to live my life, hiding from what I feel, and not sharing it with the world. Everyone should know what this pain feels like. I know you will appreciate your life more because of this. You are all worth it. Your kids are all worth it.

Ronan was my everything.

Love you all. Sorry for scaring you. But I told you I was going to be honest.

xoxoxoxoxo

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38 Comments

  1. Do not apologize, this is your place. We are just guest that you have invited into your life to love you and your boy. SCREAM AWAY!

    Reply
  2. RONANS FAN

     /  September 30, 2011

    Just wanted to let you know that im so amazed by your honesty and you dont need to apologize to any one! I cant even begin to imagine walking in your shoes for one day with the pain that consumes you from losing Ronan, you have every right to me mad angry pissed, youve got alot going on right now and your doing an amazing job getting thru each day! On the days you want to give up i hope you kick that days ass and get thru it! you are truely and amazing mother/ wife and advocate for childrens cancer and such an insperation to so many! keep pushing forward like i know you will! Take care of yourself the best you can and you have a whole team of people on your side! Sending tons of love your way!

    Reply
  3. Laura

     /  September 30, 2011

    You don’t have to apologize for your feelings, they are real. I’m glad you feel safe enough to express them. Hope you all can have a good family weekend. Know that lots of people love you and care. Your entire family is in our thoughts and prayers.

    Reply
  4. Hilary

     /  September 30, 2011

    Never apologise ever. I love your honesty and your ability to tell it like it is. And likewise those of us who follow your journey are going tell you how we feel about you and offer what comfort we can, even in the smallest of ways like a simple note on here. However you feel I hope you will continue to write it down and get it out there. It helps to express how you feel – good, bad or just downright angry. Shout, scream, cry or laugh – we are here for you. From one Mama to another with love always. xx

    Reply
  5. Sarah

     /  September 30, 2011

    Girl, no reason to ever apologize for expressing YOUR feelings on YOUR blog! If me and my husband can sit here and cry together just reading your blog and watching your videos then you can do whatever the hell you want to express all of your feelings! I would trade my life in a heartbeat if it meant you could have your sweet baby back and healthy! Hugs from Texas, Sarah

    Ps. I showed my daughter your email from last night and she said “omg! Mommy, a famous person emailed you about me!”
    I told her you would LOVE to not be”famous”(as she called it) cuz its all for a horrible reason……then she cried some more and said again she wants to hug you

    Reply
  6. Kaylee

     /  September 30, 2011

    <3

    Reply
  7. Crystal

     /  September 30, 2011

    Maya, this is your home. We have the honor of you opening it up to to us and sharing your pain. If this is where you need to let your grief flow, so be it. I know I’m honored to have the opportunity for you to share with us. I hope to meet you someday, give you a hug, thank you for giving me the gift of perspective and make fun of the shows on “E” with you. I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweetheart.

    Reply
  8. Melissa Vendt

     /  September 30, 2011

    And still more hugs for you sweet Maya. We would expect nothing less than whatever honesty that you are comfortable with sharing…and noone expects a pretty picture, though it is also hard for us to even imagine (though I know I try) the true depths of pain and despair. Love and thanks to your many wonderful close lovelies that are doing their best to take good care of you.

    Reply
  9. Amber

     /  September 30, 2011

    Maya: you are an amazing woman. Never apologize for being honest. You are a wonderful mama and your boys are so lucky to have you and so is Woody. I wish there was something all of us followers could do to ease your pain, but we’ll just keep reading and supporting you.

    All of Maya’s readers – I read an article about a new company called Happy Blankie. http://www.happyblankie.com. They are a company that sells blanets shaped as animal faces with big smiles on them. They have a program for every blanket you buy ($20) they will donate another blanket to someone you choose – which would be good to buy one and than donate one to a local childrens hospital! Just want to put that out there.

    Reply
  10. You just vent away. This is your time, when your family is asleep, to let go of the happy face, let go of the many things that need done. We can handle it. And we can all send you virtual hugs along the way. We all worry about you because we have come to love you along the way. And while we can’t understand your pain ourselves, we “feel” a little of your pain through your posts.You and Ronan have made us all better parents!

    Reply
  11. Fiona

     /  September 30, 2011

    I won’t lie, I was about to look up the number to your husband’s law firm after reading last night’s post…I know I was in a very dark place a few years ago and a girlfriend “intervened” and boy, was I pissed. Anyway, I believe in you, I believe you have a strong support network who envelope you in love and trust. You never need to apologize for anything, this is your platform to express yourself in any which way you are feeling at any given moment. Those who do not know you personally love you, so I can only imagine the love you get from those who do know you. I know that this will never, ever make sense, you will never find “peace” with this…just share with us, love and be loved.

    Reply
  12. Natalie

     /  September 30, 2011

    No need to apologize, you write with everything you have and what you feel. After reading it, I cried for you, a lot…and I prayed that Ronan would visit you. And then I got angry…I changed the channel and saw the episode where Kim was whining and crying to her mom about a fucking earring she lost! WTF? Who gives a flying fuck!!!!! People are so fucked up in this world that instead of helping people with the “celebrity status” (which, I don’t know why their famous in the first place) they bitch and bitch about materialistic things! I’m so sorry for the pain you have to endure everyday, all I can do is say that this girl in Ohio sends love and hugs everyday to you and your family. And yes, I have to admit, I AM a Maya stalker! :) xoxo!

    Reply
  13. Toni

     /  September 30, 2011

    No need to apologize Maya – ever!!! Even though most of us on here dont personally know you – I think most of us do know that you were just venting your feelings – I wasn’t worried. I am sorry that you are sad – I’m sad for you. I’m sorry that you are feeling overwhelmed. You should take a break from all this – we will all be here when you are ready. And you know, it would not hurt anything (your boys would be fine) to maybe go to Washington (or wherever) and get some time yourself.

    Love you girl!

    xoxox

    Reply
  14. Jen

     /  September 30, 2011

    I hope you never change the way you post! Xoxo

    On a side note…have you thought of taking a mini vacation? By yourself? Somewhere that is peaceful and quiet. It may help you feel like you can completely grieve, without hiding. Just an idea. I’m no psychiatrist. :)

    Reply
  15. HBM

     /  September 30, 2011

    No worries on this end, Maya. I have complete faith in you!
    Hugs your way,
    Haneen

    Reply
  16. Riley

     /  September 30, 2011

    You are so real. Every one of my posts would sound like last nights. I don’t even know how you put on a smile everyday. You are amazing. Vent all you want!

    Reply
  17. grannyjan

     /  September 30, 2011

    Last night’s post was a little freaky, I myself was reading it at 2AM when I couldn’t sleep, either. I guess some nights are just like that. This is a safe place to vent, and while you definitely had me worried, I also understood. The pain of the loss of a child is sometimes unbearable, and you just have to scream out your feelings. I am alone in my house now, so if I want to scream, I just do! While you do your screaming in black and white for the world to see. You are a courageous woman to fight the way you are, and I hope you do have some “OK days” soon. Sending love and hugs.

    Reply
  18. Jaime H.

     /  September 30, 2011

    Writing is such a great way for you to get it all out and unload all that you’re feeling! Keep writing however you need to! Praying for you today, love and hugs to you, hoping you will feel Ronan’s presence with you today, too!

    Reply
  19. Melissa Vendt

     /  September 30, 2011

    And for the record, Maya…perhaps it is just be being foolish and naiive! I did not think for a moment after reading your last post that you would ever take your life. You love your boys beyond measure…ALL of them, and you KNOW the pain that would cause AND the one you would be joining (wherever that may be) would be extra spicy-you would be in big BIG trouble with your littlest boy if you left his Daddy and brothers! OK–off to love my babies for the day! Love to you a million times!

    Reply
  20. Jen

     /  September 30, 2011

    I didn’t comment with worry because I knew your words were coming from a place I can’t understand and am lucky enough to not understand, I was concerned but concerned as i would be for anyone going through what You are. The loss You are living with is unimaginable to me and if the words you speak and the things You say on here help release even a little of that pain I see nothing wrong with it.

    Reply
  21. Julie

     /  September 30, 2011

    My heart goes out to you. My son died at birth, and I found that learning how to go on living was like learning to live without an arm, except that your injury is invisible. Sure, you can learn to do things again but it will be different. Never the same. When I tried to conform to what people expected from me, being over it, keeping my pain inside, I had a complete breakdown after a few months. You are doing exactly what you need to do. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. I wear an eternity ring on my right hand so at least now I can always see an outward sign of my love and my loss. It’s been 14 years for me and I have two happy healthy children who know about their brother in heaven, and I still cry. It’s ok to take care of yourself.

    Reply
  22. Glenda

     /  September 30, 2011

    “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
    ― Dr. Seuss
    “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

    No need to apologize. Thanks for lettiing us all into your private life. Thanks for sharing Rockstar Ro with all of us. We are here to try to help you. Maya’s Mafia!

    Peace & strength!
    xo

    Reply
  23. dawn

     /  September 30, 2011

    Anyone who has lost a child or someone young so understands your words. I understand the pain and being sick and tired of having to push yourself to do stupid daily things when someone you love is no longer here on this earth. I would be shocked if you did not feel this way from time to time. It is normal and I hate that you are feeling this way!
    Most of the world is shut out from peoples true feelings of grief because we grieve in the quietness of their homes. I do not think many people have heard first hand how a person grieves and you are sharing with everyone. It can freak them out a bit:)
    No need to apologize! xoxoxo

    Reply
  24. Gail Lawson

     /  September 30, 2011

    Precious Maya, No one should ever have to go through what you are going through. I also know that you would never leave Woody, Liam and Quinn to a life of pain and agony without their precious you!!! When I see that picture of the most beautiful child I have ever seen, I know that the way you feel is the only possible way you could feel and my heart breaks for you. I have come to love you and your beautiful family and I pray that you feel Ronan’s presence with you soon because I know that is where that precious beautiful boy is. His sick little body had to leave this earth, but I know his spirit is with you because of what you two shared while he was here, his spirit could never leave you, his beautiful, precious mama!!!

    Reply
  25. Kristie Stevenson

     /  September 30, 2011

    After reading your post last night all I could do was cry for you. I prayed and asked Ronan to visit you. You are truly a champ, Maya. You are surviving something I don’t think I could. You are entitled to have these dark moments and writing is a wonderful way to express yourself. I have all faith that one day you will be OK. I won’t say you’ll be “happy” because that would be a lie. No parent would be able to be happy after losing their soulmate. However, I think you are doing great. The fact that you even get out of the bed is proof you’re doing great. Keep your head up, Maya and know that all of us “Maya Stalkers” are constantly thinking and praying for you. You and Ronan are in our hearts and we would do ANYTHING to ease ur pain. You are strong and you will get through this. Continue to scream, swear, run, climb, vent, cry-it’s the only way you can heal. We are here for you.
    Lots of Love,
    Kristie

    Reply
  26. For a quick second I thought Charlie Sheen took over your blog! You say whatever the hell your heart wishes, no need to apologize…..I wish I had the hairy balls to say that shit to a few people in my life. I live with my own demons Maya, the demon of having a jealous alcoholic spouse. The demon of a jealous mother in law. The demon of a fuckwad father in law that loves to cause our marriage problems. Your posts remind me of what I should be grateful for, for all that I have even with the jealous spouse. Although I fucking hate that Ronan and your Inferno Fuckwad Bob have to remind me of this. I am eternally grateful that somebody brings me back to the reality of living and smiling despite all my fucked up shit because I get to wake up to two beautiful healthy children. You have every right to be pissed and those of us that love you will scream with you. So rock out with you cock out! LOL

    Reply
  27. I liked what you had to say. In fact, I posted to my FB wall for others to read!! I have been feeling a bit of the same way. See, the Red Sox lost their chance to go to the world series, and OMG you would think it was the END OF THE WORLD! The top news story was that, peoples comments on FB was that.
    My son died in April – there was no top news story on that – but I think it was a pretty signifigant day!

    keep on saying what you feel!

    Reply
  28. Lea

     /  September 30, 2011

    “Why do people say ‘grow some balls?’ Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna get tough, grow a vagina. Those things take a pounding.” -Betty White

    Isn’t this the truth!?! Hope it made it LOL like it did me!!

    Reply
  29. Christine

     /  September 30, 2011

    As always, thank you for your honesty. It is raw & refreshing. Love you Maya.

    Reply
  30. Pamela

     /  October 1, 2011

    Love to you. Let’s just go to Thailand for a month and leave it all behind!

    Reply
  31. Katie

     /  October 1, 2011

    I hope that neuroblastoma is someday as curable as leukemia, but guess what? There are still kids that die from leukemia, too. We need to keep going until all cancer is completely eliminated!

    By the way, I don’t know if you know about a new bill that was introduced last week called the Creating Hope Act of 2011 (here’s the bill language: http://www.hpm.com/pdf/KER11087_FINAL.PDF). I think it’s disgusting that we have to incentivize pharmaceuticals to create new drugs for childhood cancer research, but that is what this bill does. This event also happened this week: http://curesearch.org/ArticleView2.aspx?id=9775&l=8810&c=7eb54f&r=8824.

    Reply
  32. Leona

     /  October 1, 2011

    …….all I can say is, those who judge you, need to look in the mirror. Have they lost part of their soul? Part of the flesh and blood they created? Did they hold their child as they died in their arms? Did they look into their childs eyes and assure them that they would beat this? Do they have to fake their way through life in order to sustain their remainig families love and safety???? I say 99% of them have not.

    So to them, go fuck yourselves and, delete this blog from your “faves” and leave Maya the fuck alone.

    You rock Maya!!

    Love you girl,
    Leona~

    Reply
  33. Vicki

     /  October 2, 2011

    Maya, you are an unbelievable woman who should never apoligize for hurting and you shouldn’t always be expected to be strong! As a mother and grandmother I have had my share of losses. My middle son was very ill for the first two years of his life which took every ounce of life out of me but we were blessed as he survived. I can’t even imagine the horrible pain in your heart but I read your posts and vote and support everything you ask.

    Reply
  34. Alison Chambers

     /  January 22, 2012

    To see true raw feelings.cant imagine loosing my child .the post makes just a a fraction of what you could be feeling real, Iam so sorry to see the pain in his heart and mind I dont know how it could ever be better. I will pray for all of you ! THE HELPLESSNESS THAT YOU FEEL I hope someday it turns to something good at least gets better.
    We are strangers but i can feel his painl.suffering and sadness
    I wish i could just take some of the hurt with me for you
    ALLIELC2

    Reply
  35. sara maurer

     /  September 30, 2011

    Whoops, I just started writing and I accidentally sent. We are all here to support you throughout your highs and lows. You inspire me everyday and make me realize how lucky I am and how truly simple my Life is. Ronan was the most beautiful little boy, and no parent should ever have to to through what you are now. I signed the petition today, and will share with all of my friends and ask the same. For Ronan, Nate…and all the children that deserve better than what has been given as far as information, research….and treatment paths. Things have to change. Lots of love…

    Sara and family.

    Reply

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