Fuck this, Fuck the opossum that made news worthy headlines and Fuck Kim Kardashion and her tears over her lost 70K Diamond Earring.


Ronan. I cannot even believe this picture below is real. Were you really mine? How could something so beautiful, like you, have been real? And now you are gone? I don’t understand any of this. This picture makes me want to curl up in a ball and die. I don’t want to fight anymore. I just want to be with you. Nothing else matters. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of being so sad. I’m tired of this pain. I’m tired of pretending that I have o.k. days, because it is all a lie. There has never been a day that has been o.k. since you left. The days are empty. Black. Sad. Lonely. Exhausting. Boring. Pointless. Bleak. What is the point? Nothing makes me happy. Nothing is worth my happiness anymore. I killed you? I didn’t do enough. I should have taken you to Sloan or Chop from the beginning. Would you still be here, fighting with me? Because it was just you and me, against the world and guess what? I failed you. I let you down. I didn’t protect you like I promised I would. I didn’t make you better. I didn’t tell you enough before you died. Did you know you were dying those last few days? Those last few days that you stopped being able to communicate with me. The last few days when you told me to stop giving you sleepy medicine. Did you think I was killing you by keeping you so sedated? What was going though your little mind? That your mommy was putting you to sleep. Did you think you would wake back up, like you always did, or did you know that your life was ending? I know I laid with you and whispered those words to you….”Come on baby, it’s time to go away. Let’s get out of this place. Come with me.” Did you think I was coming with you but I lied and now you are all alone? Are you mad at me for not being with you. For not taking care of you anymore? Are you waiting for me to join you so we can be together again like I promised? How am I expected to stay here? Are you waiting for me to come and take care of you? It’s selfish of me to go on living without you. I don’t want to. I know I’m supposed to continue to fight for you and all these other kids, but what if you really don’t want me to? What if you just want me to be with you? Will you forgive me for staying here? Will you forgive me for trying to go on with this awful life that I want nothing to do with? Will you forgive me for the smile I smile every once in a while? Do you know why I have to stay, as much as I don’t want to? You know it is for your brothers, right? Because I know how much you loved them and I cannot ruin their lives by leaving them. I cannot destroy your Daddy by leaving him with all of this alone. I cannot break anymore hearts. My heart may never heal Ronan. I know that. I can learn to live with this pain because taking my own life, like I think about everyday, would just be too cruel to the people I love the most. You would not want that. I know you want me to be o.k. But how can I survive this? How am I expected to survive this? Look at yourself, Ronan. You were the essence of beauty on the inside and out. You were the most perfect thing, I had ever created. What lesson am I supposed to learn by having you taken away? I knew how lucky I was to have you. I wrote about you all the time. How waking up to you every morning, was like waking up to Christmas everyday. I don’t know what to do without you. Everybody wants something. I don’t want to play the good mommy/wife role anymore. I want to go away. I want to take my time to truly give into the pain I feel from losing you everyday. Alone. I want time to grieve for you. I don’t want to be so busy with 50 things so I don’t have to sit and really absorb how bad this hurts. I want to feel this, as deeply as possible so I can connect with you again. I can’t feel you around me, because I am so caught up in fighting this fight and I think I may have taken all of this on too soon. No matter how badly I push myself to physically hurt, I can’t. My entire body hurts 24/7 from you being gone. And where are you? I am certain, you are not with GOD. I don’t want you to be with GOD. I want you to be with me because I am the only one who loved you enough to take care of you in the way that I did. Nobody loved you more than I did, Ronan. That is a fact. People can say that they loved you so much…. but it doesn’t hold a candle to the way I loved you and you loved me. You know the look you gave me, after you were first placed in my arms after being born. I saw the way your eyes sparkled only at me and the way your little mouth curled up into a smile, minutes after being born. We had an instant secret. As if you had been waiting for me for such a very long time and I for you. It was our secret club that nobody else knew about.

I can’t stop thinking about your last few hours of your life. It consumes me. I curled up beside you. You were becoming so cold. I was so peaceful and looking back, I don’t know why. How could I have been so peaceful, watching you die? How did I bathe you and redress you after you died. I scrubbed you little body, while your lips turned blue and your body stiffened. I dressed you in your favorite pajamas and Star Wars shirt while remaining so calm. How could your heart, just stopped beating, just like that? So simply. So easily?

What did you see when you died? Did you see my face? Did you feel me kissing your lips, fingers, and toes before you passed away? Did you know how much I loved you? Do you know how I would trade my life in a heartbeat for yours? Do you know how cruel it is that I am left behind and you are gone? I don’t care what anybody says. And if another person tries to compare losing you to losing their 90-year-old grandmother, I am going to fucking lose it. Shut the fuck up. A 90-year-old grandparent should die. Not a 3-year-old baby. A parent should not outlive their child. Ever.

My life will never be the same without you. And I don’t want it to be. I will continue on until I can take no more. How could any parent, with a child as beautiful as you, want to go on? Call me selfish, I don’t care. I have every right to be. You are my baby. My perfect baby. And now I have to sit back and live this bullshit of a life surround by ignorant people who don’t care about anything of importance. I have to go on and turn on the news to see that the story of the day is that some Goddamn Opossum died or that a man got his leg bitten off by a shark because he made a choice to swim in shark infested waters when he was warned not to. It makes me sick to turn on the T.V. and see those stupid Kardashion sisters and watch as Kim goes into hysteria over losing a 70,ooo dollar diamond earring. Fuck you, Kim Kardashion. Try fighting for you babies life, watching him die. Go take your 70,000 dollar diamond earring and shove it up your bleached asshole. But this is what our world is consumed with and I have to control my goddamn anger every day because I know what real tears mean. But nobody cares. I guarantee, if Kim Kardashion saw your picture and knew what the fuck it meant to feel real pain, she would feel like such an asshole. Or maybe not. She probably completly lacks any self awareness. I hope she is happy, knowing that the bullshit wedding of her dreams, could have helped to save so many babies by the power of her stupid voice that America is obsessed with. Fuck the bullshit of the priorities of this society.

Ronan. I’m pissed tonight. Because of that picture below and because that beautiful body of yours in now in an Urn on my dresser. I now longer get to kiss you lips, but you cold Urn instead. None of this was your fault but you suffered and lost your life anyway. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m sorry if you were scared. I’m sorry if I let you down. I hope you don’t think I killed you. I hope you don’t think I didn’t do enough to save you. I hope you forgive me. I will NEVER forgive myself. If I would have made the right choices you would still be here. And FUCK all the Medical World for making parents like us, navigate our way though this by ourselves. And FUCK THEM for saying over and over to us that “No matter what choice you make, it will be the right one.” FUCKING LIARS. If that were true, my son would still be here. You have a lot of making up to do, Doctors/Scientists/Researchers of the world. Please do me a favor and get your shit together. No mother should have to bathe and redress her dead child’s body. No mother should have to wear her child’s ashes around her neck. FUCK YOU FOR FAILING US.

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30 Comments

  1. Hilary

     /  September 30, 2011

    Maya, this post has broken my heart. I have no words that can comfort and all I can do is to send you a big hug and love. It’s never enough as I know the pain, sadness, loss and heartbreak will never leave you. But my wish on a star is that the love you have for Ronan and your family and friends and their love for you will sustain you on both dark days and sunny days alike. Sincerely and with love Hilary xx

    Reply
  2. There are no words I have that will help at all, Maya, but I will say this:
    FUCK CANCER! My heart aches for you and your family. I wish I didn’t know about Ronan, I wish none of us did, because it would mean that none of this had ever happened and you had the happy, healthy little boy that you deserved to have and he deserved to be. There are no words for how incredibly FUCKED UP childhood cancer is. No parent should ever outlive their children. I’m so sorry.

    Reply
  3. {{{hugs}}}

    (I can’t think of the words to say that could come close to conveying how much I wish you weren’t going through this, or how much I wish Ronan had made it, or how I wish that there was a cure… I am soooo sorry that you have a broken heart.)

    Reply
  4. Maya, you owe no one anything. If you are over your head with all of things you are doing step back and take a break. It does not make you less strong. It makes you stronger just to realize you need time. It will all be there when you are ready. You and your son are all that matter. You need to feel all this pain. You need to live this. It is so fucking unfair but it is your pain and no one elses. Do not hide from it or pretend that it is not there so as to not upset others around you. You and your family are that matter. You owe it to yourself to breathe in the grief. You are right where you are supposed to be today with your pain, your anger and your lose. I will never pretend to fucking know the pain that you feel for losing your beautiful son Ronan. It is fucked up. The whole thing is fucked up. Cancer is fucked up. And I am so fucking sorry.

    Reply
  5. Therese in Ireland

     /  September 30, 2011

    This post is absolutely gut-wrenching. Though it’s impossible to even begin to comprehend your pain, you use your words in such a powerful way, it’s impossible to read without a lump in my throat. I wish with everything I have that I could rewind time and bring back your beautiful boy and erase all this heartache. This photo stops me in my tracks – he is so astoundingly beautiful. I don’t know what else to say except I pray for peace and comfort, even the tiniest bit, for you and your family. None of this makes any sense at all.

    Reply
  6. A stranger who cares

     /  September 30, 2011

    Maya,
    I won’t pretend any words I could say will help. Because they can’t. I won’t pretend to understand your pain, because I can’t. But I sit here shedding tears for you, wishing I could give you a comforting hug instead. Wishing I could do something, anything for you. But I will make donations to childhood cancer whenever I have a little money to spare. And I am spreading the word to others to do the same. Why? Because of you and Ronan. No, he should not have died. No child should. This world is truly fucked up. I couldn’t agree more with your remarks on the crap that passes for “news” these days. The world should see Ronan’s face. And you know what? The world will, because of you. You will do great things for childhood cancer. You already are. But it’s fucked that you have to. It’s fucked a healthy Ronan isn’t in your arms. That so many moms lose their babies. So grieve any way you have to. No one can tell you how or how fast to grieve. Just do it. Don’t hold it in. Write posts like this. Yell, scream, kick. But please, as you said, for the sakes of your other two beautiful boys and your husband, don’t give in to suicidal thoughts. Have them as part of grieving if need be. I’ve had them, and my many losses were never of a child. But please don’t give in to them, and don’t physically harm yourself. Think it all you need to, just don’t give in to it. Because then cancer wins again, because it will take you out of this world. And this world needs you. Fight cancer, don’t help it.
    Take time away from the cancer fight and the foundation if you need to. You’ll get it done in your own time. Focus on yourself and grieving without any other burden for as long as you need. Just focus on you, the twins, and Woody. Finding a fucked up “new normal.” If you feel you’ve jumped into obligations too soon, everyone will understand if you need to back off a while. We all want you to get through this, to live, more than anything else. You will only disappoint people, including Ronan, if you put these other things before your health and wellbeing. Grief is a lifelong journey that does change, so wait a while on anything but riding it out as long as you need to.
    Ronan loves you and wants you to live, and so do I. Sending you hugs and wishes for peace.

    Reply
  7. T.M.

     /  September 30, 2011

    My daily morning ritual includes reading your latest posts. This one made me so sad, I had to comment. I think it’s safe to say when we get a lttle glimpse of your world through your postings, our hearts break for you. Thank you for sharing with us. Thank you for putting so much into perspective. Take that time for yourself to grieve…..make it happen.

    With love, from a complete stranger who heard about your blog one day while chatting with a new friend….now, I’m hooked and can’t wait to see the day when YOU make the greatest difference of all with this disease………

    K, have to say that while I was reading this post and sobbing, my coffee pot started making a strange sound from the kitchen…..wiped my eyes on my shirt and went to check it out. I’m pretty sure that, had I gone back to sleep this morning (after sending hubby off to work), my kitchen would have caught fire! So, another big thanks to you Maya, for giving me a reason to want to stay up this am. I look forward to reading your heartfelt words so much, that I rarely go back to bed these days! Maybe it’s Ronan working more of his magic….THANK YOU!

    Reply
  8. Melissa Vendt

     /  September 30, 2011

    Wish I had words of anything for you today, Maya. :( Sending you hugs and hope for a sign from Ronan to bring you a tiny bit of comfort today.

    Reply
  9. Laura

     /  September 30, 2011

    At least you are able to express you feelings. I am sorry you are feeling such sadness and anger. Ronan and you should both know and feel that you tried everything on earth possible to get him well. You and your husband did not let a stone go unturned. You all did everything in your power to save beautiful Ronan. All our thoughts, love and prayers go out to your entire family.

    Reply
  10. Erika

     /  September 30, 2011

    Heard a song this morning- reminded me so much of you. Christina Perri- The Lonely.
    I can’t and won’t compare my pain to yours..just know that I recognize much of what you
    are feeling. Sending love to you, always.

    Reply
  11. Maya, I’m so sorry. and I agree with you although it’s worth nothing and doesn’t change anything.

    Reply
  12. Lynn

     /  September 30, 2011

    xo Ronan

    Reply
  13. Christina

     /  September 30, 2011

    Maya, you are entitled to be pissed off and hurt! I am so sorry that you are so sad. I wish that there was a “platform” to scream out to the idiots of the world about the lavish ways in which they spend their money could be used to help others instead of their already selfish and twisted self!! If you find that place, please be sure to share with all of us. I’m sure that most of us would love to get their attention!! Big Hug!

    Reply
  14. Jennifer

     /  September 30, 2011

    You and Ronan make me a better person, make me live a better life. I want the world to hear you. I too spend a lot of time angry. Angry at cancer, the assholes that can control and are aware of the vast underfunding pediatric cancer gets. Angry at all the people that turn the other way when faced with a child with cancer. But them I

    Reply
    • Jennifer

       /  September 30, 2011

      Didn’t finish…then I am grateful for you and the people I see changing and making a difference. It will never be enough…..never. You have every right to be angry. Fuck cancer, stay alive and watch it die!

      Reply
  15. HBM

     /  September 30, 2011

    I have no words. I’m so sorry, Maya xo
    Thinking of you,
    Haneen

    Reply
  16. Jaime H.

     /  September 30, 2011

    I’m so sorry Maya, for all of this, it’s so sad and so wrong and unfair. I can’t imagine what your struggle every day must feel like. I think of you and Ronan and your family every day and I pray for you so much! (and I hate the Kardashian’s too, they’re so fake) Anyway, for what it’s worth, just know you have a ton of love and support w/o any judgement sent your way each day! XO

    Reply
  17. Fuck cancer! I am so sorry Maya.. I really am not sure what to say, except that you are a beautiful person and your words go through my soul and remind me what life is about… that each day I get with my little boy is a true treasure. Sending you love and peace.

    Reply
  18. A stranger who cares

     /  September 30, 2011

    Maya,
    I don’t have Twitter but know that you do. Why don’t you send this to @KimKardashian (maybe lots of people should), and see if she has the guts to reply? And since for some bizarre reason she does have people hanging on her every inane move, maybe you could ask her to be a voice for childhood cancer?? She’s even good friends with @RyanSeacrest – maybe ask him too? And I would not only show them this unbelievably gorgeous pic of Ronan, I’d put one of his last pics too… So people can see the stunning difference cancer makes to a beautiful boy in 8 months. Ronan was beautiful to the end, don’t get me wrong! But there’s an obvious difference when he was no longer robust and healthy. But it would have to be one of the rare pics where he’s not smiling, because he’s too adorable even in those! Just a before cancer and after cancer thing to really catch people’s attention. Then maybe Ronan’s story will get out to more people. If Seacreast would tell any of those Kardashian fame whores that they’d be featured on E News or something if they would do it to talk about childhood cancer, they’d jump at the chance – and millions would hear. Maybe even go after the mother and manager of all these Kardashians – @KrisJenner
    I hope nothing I’ve said has offended you, because that’s the last thing I’d ever want to do! But if it takes publicity-seeking celebs to help put something newsworthy back in the news, I say go for it. With gusto. And legions of minions at your service. I say people should get to tweeting ASAP, as long as Maya’s ok with it!
    Sending more hugs……

    Reply
  19. sara maurer

     /  September 30, 2011

    Thinking of you everyday. No parent should ever have to go through this. I am sorry Maya.

    Reply
  20. Glenda

     /  September 30, 2011

    Maya,

    There are no words… big hugs to you… love your realness and rawness. Thank you for sharing your love for Rockstar Ro with all of us. Thanks for sharing Ro with us. Thinking of you and Ronan always. Peace & strength xoxo

    Reply
  21. Charlotte Patel

     /  September 30, 2011

    Maya,
    I don’t know you ..and you don’t know me.
    I would not be telling the truth if I said I can understand where you are coming from, but yet I do feel that I can ….’cause I can easily imagine that I would be saying / thinking exact the same if I were in your shoes.
    You have every right to be upset, and I salute you for speaking your honest mind about how you feel about it all. It takes a ton of courage to speak your mind as you do!!

    If there were ANYTHING I could do to help ease your pain …I would, ’cause you are so darn correct: NO MOTHER should go through what you have gone through.
    Reading about your story, it is a constant reminder to me to give my two little kids an extra squeeze every day – let them know that they are loved more than anything else in this world.

    Thanks for sharing and teaching us what is REALLY important. (..and it ain’t a diamond earring!!!!)

    Charlotte

    Reply
  22. kate

     /  September 30, 2011

    maya, i’ve been following your blog for months now. it is the first thing i read when i wake up every day. this post is beyond, spot on, fucking brilliant. i am so inspired by your strength. you are a gift. keep writing mama! you have many talents and this is just one. i think a new baby is in your future! sending love from columbus.

    Reply
  23. jennifer veri

     /  September 30, 2011

    Kind jewelry is an obscenity n the world were living in! Its shameful.

    Reply
  24. Oh, sweet lady. You had my heart breaking, tears pouring and mouth laughing (“fuck you, Kim Kardashian.”) all in one post. I don’t even know how i found your blog tonight and I really should be sleeping, but things work in mysterious ways, eh?

    I’m 27 years old and have had cancer four times. I was 11 when it first came into my life and the most recent time was three years ago.

    Our son, Roman, our first born (after a previous miscarriage), arrived in June and he has turned my world upside down. You never know love until you have a baby. The thought of him… of anything ever happening to him makes me want to puke my guys out right this second. Knowing personally what chemo is like and what cancer feels like, I hope to God that no other child has to experience it because it sucks. But, take comfort – I was older than your Ronan when I was first diagnosed and I didn’t understand it all. I didn’t get anything about it other than I hated going to the hospital, but my Mom was there with me, so it was okay. My Momma took such good care of me, she held it together, held my hand, stood up for me and it felt good. My Mom was on my side, we were a team (and we were the other times I had cancer too, even though I was older) and my heart has a spot that’s just for her because of it. I was never mad at her. I never thought that she did any wrong becasue I was sick. She was on my team, she was my rock. I would bet every penny I have that your Ronan is at peace, and a huge piece of his soul’s heart is just for you. He fought hard and you fought hard – you all were a tag team. Cancer suck. Pain sucks. He has neither of those now, I promise you, and that my sweet lady, means that you did NOT fail him. <3 I promise that you didn't fail him.

    Reply
  25. Hugs to you. I am so sorry for your pain and I really wish people would stop with the death comparisons or saying, I know how you feel. My grandma died (like you said). People are dumb. And yes sweetie there is a reason parents are supposed to go first. I wish I could take your pain and bring Ro baby back to you.

    Reply
  26. Disgraceful

     /  October 2, 2012

    OH MY GOSH! I am commenting without even reading the blog yet as the title of it reminds me just how pissed I was after hearing about her dumb outburst. Why does she even have $70,000 dollar earings in the first place? That one little dumb earing could help pay for a child with cancer that doesn’t have good insurance. PISSES ME OFF. She is an idiot. Hey, Kim…if you are reading this…which I hope you are….Look at Maya and her family. They are real human beings. You are a disgrace to the human race. kthanks little Miss KimYe or whatever your new name is of the month.
    (Phew, that felt better.)

    Reply
  27. I’m so sorry. I hate these nights, when the pain is so raw it cuts you like a knife.

    Reply
  28. Elizabeth

     /  January 1, 2013

    Maya, I just read this. I almost couldn’t breathe as I read your words. The pure, raw emotion that you express is unlike anything that I have read. I think of you and your sweet boy every day. I just ordered my Team Ronan tshirt. I really want some FU Cancer bracelets. I watched Taylor Swift last night on Dick Clark. I’ve always loved her and so does my 13 yr old daughter. But I now have newfound respect for her. I doubt that she ever has owned $70,000 earrings. Or if she did that she would cry over them! Much love and happiness to your family on this 1st day of the new year.

    Reply

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