The Beast has been Tamed. For today.

Ronan. I’m wiped out. But restless. What’s new. I feel like this most days. But today, I am feeling extra exhausted. I think the day of running in the hot sun, crying, throwing up, trying to write Dr. Kushner a letter, throwing up some more, meeting with Dr. J, and tending to your brothers tonight, has done me in. But here I sit, unable to turn off my brain, worried that if I don’t write to you, that you will be sad. That you will think I don’t miss you, I don’t ache for you every second of the day, that you will think I’m forgetting you. I still feel like this is my way of taking care of you. This is my way of feeding you dinner, playing with you, bathing you, reading to you, tucking you in and kissing you goodnight. This is the way I take care of you now, by writing to you so I can make sure you still feel like a part of our family.

I took your brothers to school today and told them it was Rosh Hashanah. They had no idea what that was, so I explained to them it was the Jewish New Year. They wanted to know all about it. I love their curious little minds. I did my best to explain it, and told them Rosh Hashanah marks the start of a new year in the Hebrew calendar. How much of it is about reflection and striving to be a better person. I love that.

After we talked about this in the car on the way to school, I got them to agree that they would take some time in the next few day to really reflect on our past year. Should be interesting as it was the worst year of our life. I am going to let them answer in whatever way they want, as they should not be afraid to feel the things they are feeling. I can just hear Quinn screaming that this past year was awful because you died. I’ll embrace that and nurture that, but he is also going to have to come up with something a little more peaceful and positive. We need to nurture both feelings. They deserve to say how they feel and to take the time to sit back and reflect what we have gone through. I feel like explaining this holiday to them, is a good way to put that out there.

Ro baby. I passed out. Cold, after writing the above. It’s 3:30 a.m. and I’m wide awake. I hate that I struggle with this sleep thing so much. All I want is to sleep for 12 hours. Straight. My body and mind both need it. I have a lot to do tomorrow that requires a lot of my brain power. My brain does not work the way it used to. It is beyond frustrating. I was thinking about this as I left Dr. J tonight. We had a session that lasted over an hour and a half. I left there feeling so tired, that I could hardly function. I had to drive to pick up your brothers and I was asking Dr. J questions in my head like if she ever thought my mind would be the same again. If it would ever go back to being not filled with so many painful and paralyzing memories. I then sat back and wondered if I would ever be that girl again. That fun girl that I used to be. I thought about how it must really suck to be around me, to my friends now, because all that is associated with me, is sadness. A sadness that nobody knows what to do with and a reality check that nobody wants. This is a big part of why I tend to go into hiding. I don’t want my friends to feel sadness when they are around me. I’d rather not burden anyone and go through this alone.

I had a meeting today with my lovelie, Katie, from the Garage. My friend, Carolyn, met us for lunch too. We are working out some very fun details of an event that will be coming up for Ronan. I don’t want to say too much about it yet, except for Save the Date for the evening of Thursday, November 10th. We are putting something amazing together and it will be in Old Town Scottsdale. I am hoping to finalize the details by this Saturday Morning and will announce them this weekend, so stay tuned. It is going to be a night full of all things Rockstar:)

After I left Katie, I came home and camped out in your room for a while. I threw down a blanket, sat with your Urn and GiGi. I tried to hash out my Dr. Kushner letter. You know it takes a lot for me to be at a loss for words, Ro. I could not find the words to write to him today. I was struggling with being the wild animal mama, who just lost her son, as well the composed mama who wants this letter to make sense because I want him to read it. I was trying my best to be the composed yet emotional mama. Those two things are hard to navigate together. I did a lot of writing, then stopping, walking around, throwing up, writing again, crying, throwing up. I had no idea I was going to have such a physical reaction to this letter writing. I also had to finish up the timeline that Dr. J wanted. I started it from the time you were diagnosed to the date that you took your last breath. I had to look up dates from the writings of this blog which was bloody horrific as well. I told you I don’t reread this thing. The bits and pieces I had to go back and read, to fill out dates of things, was absolute torture. It was more painful than I thought it would be. I avoided as much as I could, but even catching glimpses of some of my words was enough to make me want to find that big hole in our backyard and bury myself in it for the rest of my life.

I finished the timeline, but I did not even come close to finishing the Dr. Kushner letter. I ran out of the house, feeling exhausted and beat down. I don’t know how I am going to win this battle without you, Ronan. I have been feeling so overwhelmed with so many things. I got to Dr. J’s office and I felt like I was going to pass out. I slumped down on her couch, and let the weight of my body sink into the heavy world around me. I easily could have slipped into a coma. I gave her your timeline. We went over all of it for over 2 hours. I felt like I was being transformed back into each date. I could hardly find the words to articulate my thoughts. She was gentle with me. She helped me get through it. I don’t know where she came from Ronan, but that woman is unlike anyone on this earth. I brought her a little gift, from you. A shirt that I had Samya make. The “All Good Things Are Wild And Free,” shirt. It was meant for her. It was meant for you. It was meant for me. She loved it. She knows the deeper, spiritual meaning behind this shirt. It’s going to become my personal freaking mantra.

Ro baby. I started this post days ago. Days. Before my little freak out post last night. I know I freaked out. I have to every once in a while. I am such a calm person by nature, Ronan. Feeling anger like I was last night had to be unleashed. The beast, had to be tamed. Your poor Daddy Woo. My Superman, amazing husband. The BEST man on the planet. I know I don’t write about your Daddy a lot on here. For a few reasons. I have to keep some things, sacred. What we are going through, and how we are going through this is very different. But we are going through it, together. He is my silent partner in crime. The one I can always count on, no matter what. The one I love and I will love forever. The one I sit back and watch, as he coaches your brothers basketball game and I think to myself, you are so lucky to have him. I know this. As much as I blab about checking out, leaving everyone and everything behind…. that is my pain talking. You know I would never do such a thing. Your daddy is being supportive of me and my craziness. That makes me love him even more. He knows I’m not going anywhere, but if I up and said I wanted to go away, to Thailand like I often joke about, he would say o.k. How many people can say they are married to a man like that? Not many, I’m sure. The times that I do mentally check out, he knows I’m not going far. He knows he is my home. He knows it will always stay this way. He is not worried because he knows me as well as he knows himself. He knows us. You know us, Ro. You know there is nothing to really worry about. I’m human. I’m hurting. There is no easy way to go through something like this. I am simply just doing it. One day at a time. Hour by hour. Minute by minute. Cuss word after cuss word. Uncensored. Raw. Real. Because that’s the path I’ve chosen and I’m not looking back at the things I say or the words I write. Because at the time, it was exactly what I was feeling and needing to say. No regrets.

So, baby boy. What else have I been up to? Trying to find a balance in this new life. Trying to figure out how to handle all these fuels in the fire. But wanting to make sure I am grieving for you properly as well. Dr. J asked how often I sit back and really think about all that has happened. How often do I just sit with this? It is always with me. But to think about all the millions of details, in depth, is so painful. I sit with these thoughts of you, when I cannot control them. I give into everything I am feeling, when I am with Dr. Joanne. I am also very good at giving myself a million things to do, to distract me. I am being so productive. I sometimes think too productive. But what is my other option? To stay in bed all day and do nothing? I think allowing myself to do this once in a while is o.k. But for the most part, I need to stay busy with my days. I need to sit here and figure out how I am going to make your little face, change the world. That is such a big job, Ro. But if anyone can do it, it’s you. It’s me. It’s us and these amazing people we have, wanting to help, that can get this done. Because if nothing comes from this, then what? You would be so pissed at me. I’m not going to fail you. I promise.

Liam and Quinn had basketball practice tonight. Your Daddy was late due to being stuck in traffic, so I had to fill in and be the pretend coach. It was cute. It was fun. Your brothers loved having me fill in. Your Daddy came to the rescue soon, thankfully, because I didn’t have a clue as to what I was doing. We had dinner afterwords, at Beckett’s Table. Liam started not feeling well as soon as we sat down. I watched him as he put his little head on the table and said he had a really bad headache. He could hardly contain himself the pain was so intense. That’s never happened to him before. I took him home, while your Daddy and Quinn finished up dinner. I gave him Tylenol. He threw up everywhere from the pounding of his head. I ran him a bath and cleaned him up. The whole time, I was thinking to myself that this was the first time, that I have taken care of someone else, besides you, since you were diagnosed.  This was the first time, that I was taking care of someone who didn’t have Cancer. I felt so lucky and blessed to be taking care of Liam. I felt so lucky, to have him there, being sick because of a headache and not Cancer. I was thankful to put him in the bath, to wash his hair, to give him 7-Up and to tuck him into my bed. I felt thankful to be his mama. I wished you would have been there, helping me, so badly.

My mind instantly went to my bad place as I prayed that this is just a headache and not Brain Cancer. I got physically sick to my stomach because now I know too much reality. My mind works differently and it took everything I had not to throw him in the car and take him to PCH for a MRI or CT scan. He has been asleep for a while now. I will wake him soon, to check on him. I will watch him for the next few days. I will ask you to take care of him and to please make sure it is only exhaustion/a headache. They say lighting doesn’t strike twice, right? So they say. I’m an instant skeptic.

I have to tell you one more thing. I found something the other day on the site that I use to post a lot of my sayings and pictures. To say it knocked the wind out of me, doesn’t even touch how it made me feel. I have to post it. I have to share it because it is just too real. I found a picture of a little girl. It was under the “Twilight,” category because I guess she is supposed to be the spawn of Edward and Bella. She looks exactly like you. I even showed your brothers and they both were in awe. I swear, if you had been a girl, this is what you would have looked like. It looks so much like you, that I can’t stop thinking about it. Or maybe I am just delusional. That could very well be a possibility. Here is the pic.

G’nite my sweet baby. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.
Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many.
Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books.
Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.
Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations.
But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.

-Buddha-

Who’s reading this and NOT signing it?? We can do better than this, peeps. 5K signature should be a walk in the park.

 

 

I expect a lot from you all. I put a lot out there as far as my writing. I know thousands of you, read this. If you are going to continue to read my blog, please sign this. If you are reading this, and not taking the two minutes to sign it….. Ummmmm…. what’s wrong with you? You are missing the point of EVERYTHING. Sign this damn petition, please.  I am just going to be really sad and let down if we don’t get 5 thousand signatures.

Please do this for me, for Ronan. Just sign take the 2 minutes so sign this thing. My friend, Olivia, worked hard to put this out there because she is going to work her ass off with me to make a difference. Because she gets it because she has a HEART. And two beautiful, healthy kids. She is not a dumb-ass who is just going to go on with her life. She is a fighter because she gets that nobody’s child is immune to this.

To all of you who have signed this. Thank you. So very much. I know Ronan is watching over all of you. He knows the goodness that is coming out of you hearts. He knows you are going to help make a change. He believes in you and the power of creating an ARMY of support.

https://wwws.whitehouse.gov/petitions#!/petition/keep-kids-alive-allocate-more-funds-towards-childhood-cancer-research/8ZnnxNgw

Hi. Sorry. I’m fine. Just sad. No need to freak out.

Because this made me laugh. Total amazeballs.

 

 

 

 

Hi. Sorry nobody needs to worry about the crazy post last night. I’m fine. The sadness of Ronan just consumes me sometimes and it gets worse during times that I cannot sleep and all I can do is walk around the house and cry. I am fine. Was just venting. I just miss him and my heart is broken in million pieces.

I love my family. I am thankful to have them. I will not be letting anyone down. I know what my job/purpose is. I’m not a selfish person. I would never leave my family. I am a giver. I will stay here, and give them everything I have until I am 100 years old. I will take care of my boys, because it is what I do best and they deserve the best of everything. But you all have to understand….. I have not had any time, to truly grieve about Ronan. I cannot heal without doing this because of the responsibilities that consume my life. It hurts not to be able to fully let go and give in to my pain where all I want to do is cry/scream/vent for days. Instead, I have to put on this face of happiness, love, and support for everyone around me as I cannot expose my babies to what I am truly feeling. For them to know my true pain, is not something they deserve to see. I struggle with this because my body/soul/ and mind, needs a break from my days of pouring all the love I have into them 24/7. I don’t know how to balance any of this. So I push myself to overcompensate. I laugh with them, I nurture them, I play with them, I love them all day long, I tell them over and over how much they mean to me, I tell them how proud I am of them, I smile for them, I play football with them, I cheer the loudest at their basketball games….. This leaves little time for me to truly feel the way I am feeling because I have to remember that those 2 little boys do not deserve to see their mommy hurting the way I am. So when I need to feel what I feel, I write. I forget that I am writing to all of you, and you worry. I expect that you all know me so well now, that you know when I just need to be sad/scream/vent and I expect you to understand that for as much as my words hurt… I will be o.k. Because you know how much I love my boys and my husband. You know I would never leave them here to get through this without me. I am strong. I am their rock and I am thankful that they need me so much as I don’t know how I would function without them depending on me so much.

Sorry to have freaked you out but I had some things I needed to scream about last night. No need to text my Woo. I was just being honest. Maybe that was not the best idea to put it out there, but I did. I write what I feel and last night, after not being able to sleep and crying for hours, that is what it was.

I’m not apologize for being too real at times. I will not be killing myself, ever,  but sometimes the pain is overwhelming. For all of you that TRULY know me, I trust that you know I will be o.k. I am thankful that you know me, trust me, and know that this is just part of the process. I’m not going to quiet my voice, I’m not going to stop being true to what I need to feel, write, etc….. Maybe people will start listening and stop taking everything for granted in their lives, because of me and Ro. Maybe people will actually start to make a difference in this world because of Ronan’s beautiful face and my raw and real words. Maybe Childhood Cancer will finally get the attention it deserves. Maybe some Billionaire will decided to throw a ton of money into research so someday, Neuroblastoma will become as curable as Childhood Leukemia.

And P.S. I had to apologize…. not because I feel like I owe anybody reading this anything, but because my husband was getting a mass of texts in regards to my post last night. So, I’m sorry to him. AND HIM ONLY.  For making him worry. I’m not sorry for my honesty. I will never be sorry for that. I will never apologize for writing what I feel. Writing what most people would not. I’m not scared of this world. I’m not scared to put this out there. The truth will set you free. I’m not going to live my life, hiding from what I feel, and not sharing it with the world. Everyone should know what this pain feels like. I know you will appreciate your life more because of this. You are all worth it. Your kids are all worth it.

Ronan was my everything.

Love you all. Sorry for scaring you. But I told you I was going to be honest.

xoxoxoxoxo

Fuck this, Fuck the opossum that made news worthy headlines and Fuck Kim Kardashion and her tears over her lost 70K Diamond Earring.

Ronan. I cannot even believe this picture below is real. Were you really mine? How could something so beautiful, like you, have been real? And now you are gone? I don’t understand any of this. This picture makes me want to curl up in a ball and die. I don’t want to fight anymore. I just want to be with you. Nothing else matters. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of being so sad. I’m tired of this pain. I’m tired of pretending that I have o.k. days, because it is all a lie. There has never been a day that has been o.k. since you left. The days are empty. Black. Sad. Lonely. Exhausting. Boring. Pointless. Bleak. What is the point? Nothing makes me happy. Nothing is worth my happiness anymore. I killed you? I didn’t do enough. I should have taken you to Sloan or Chop from the beginning. Would you still be here, fighting with me? Because it was just you and me, against the world and guess what? I failed you. I let you down. I didn’t protect you like I promised I would. I didn’t make you better. I didn’t tell you enough before you died. Did you know you were dying those last few days? Those last few days that you stopped being able to communicate with me. The last few days when you told me to stop giving you sleepy medicine. Did you think I was killing you by keeping you so sedated? What was going though your little mind? That your mommy was putting you to sleep. Did you think you would wake back up, like you always did, or did you know that your life was ending? I know I laid with you and whispered those words to you….”Come on baby, it’s time to go away. Let’s get out of this place. Come with me.” Did you think I was coming with you but I lied and now you are all alone? Are you mad at me for not being with you. For not taking care of you anymore? Are you waiting for me to join you so we can be together again like I promised? How am I expected to stay here? Are you waiting for me to come and take care of you? It’s selfish of me to go on living without you. I don’t want to. I know I’m supposed to continue to fight for you and all these other kids, but what if you really don’t want me to? What if you just want me to be with you? Will you forgive me for staying here? Will you forgive me for trying to go on with this awful life that I want nothing to do with? Will you forgive me for the smile I smile every once in a while? Do you know why I have to stay, as much as I don’t want to? You know it is for your brothers, right? Because I know how much you loved them and I cannot ruin their lives by leaving them. I cannot destroy your Daddy by leaving him with all of this alone. I cannot break anymore hearts. My heart may never heal Ronan. I know that. I can learn to live with this pain because taking my own life, like I think about everyday, would just be too cruel to the people I love the most. You would not want that. I know you want me to be o.k. But how can I survive this? How am I expected to survive this? Look at yourself, Ronan. You were the essence of beauty on the inside and out. You were the most perfect thing, I had ever created. What lesson am I supposed to learn by having you taken away? I knew how lucky I was to have you. I wrote about you all the time. How waking up to you every morning, was like waking up to Christmas everyday. I don’t know what to do without you. Everybody wants something. I don’t want to play the good mommy/wife role anymore. I want to go away. I want to take my time to truly give into the pain I feel from losing you everyday. Alone. I want time to grieve for you. I don’t want to be so busy with 50 things so I don’t have to sit and really absorb how bad this hurts. I want to feel this, as deeply as possible so I can connect with you again. I can’t feel you around me, because I am so caught up in fighting this fight and I think I may have taken all of this on too soon. No matter how badly I push myself to physically hurt, I can’t. My entire body hurts 24/7 from you being gone. And where are you? I am certain, you are not with GOD. I don’t want you to be with GOD. I want you to be with me because I am the only one who loved you enough to take care of you in the way that I did. Nobody loved you more than I did, Ronan. That is a fact. People can say that they loved you so much…. but it doesn’t hold a candle to the way I loved you and you loved me. You know the look you gave me, after you were first placed in my arms after being born. I saw the way your eyes sparkled only at me and the way your little mouth curled up into a smile, minutes after being born. We had an instant secret. As if you had been waiting for me for such a very long time and I for you. It was our secret club that nobody else knew about.

I can’t stop thinking about your last few hours of your life. It consumes me. I curled up beside you. You were becoming so cold. I was so peaceful and looking back, I don’t know why. How could I have been so peaceful, watching you die? How did I bathe you and redress you after you died. I scrubbed you little body, while your lips turned blue and your body stiffened. I dressed you in your favorite pajamas and Star Wars shirt while remaining so calm. How could your heart, just stopped beating, just like that? So simply. So easily?

What did you see when you died? Did you see my face? Did you feel me kissing your lips, fingers, and toes before you passed away? Did you know how much I loved you? Do you know how I would trade my life in a heartbeat for yours? Do you know how cruel it is that I am left behind and you are gone? I don’t care what anybody says. And if another person tries to compare losing you to losing their 90-year-old grandmother, I am going to fucking lose it. Shut the fuck up. A 90-year-old grandparent should die. Not a 3-year-old baby. A parent should not outlive their child. Ever.

My life will never be the same without you. And I don’t want it to be. I will continue on until I can take no more. How could any parent, with a child as beautiful as you, want to go on? Call me selfish, I don’t care. I have every right to be. You are my baby. My perfect baby. And now I have to sit back and live this bullshit of a life surround by ignorant people who don’t care about anything of importance. I have to go on and turn on the news to see that the story of the day is that some Goddamn Opossum died or that a man got his leg bitten off by a shark because he made a choice to swim in shark infested waters when he was warned not to. It makes me sick to turn on the T.V. and see those stupid Kardashion sisters and watch as Kim goes into hysteria over losing a 70,ooo dollar diamond earring. Fuck you, Kim Kardashion. Try fighting for you babies life, watching him die. Go take your 70,000 dollar diamond earring and shove it up your bleached asshole. But this is what our world is consumed with and I have to control my goddamn anger every day because I know what real tears mean. But nobody cares. I guarantee, if Kim Kardashion saw your picture and knew what the fuck it meant to feel real pain, she would feel like such an asshole. Or maybe not. She probably completly lacks any self awareness. I hope she is happy, knowing that the bullshit wedding of her dreams, could have helped to save so many babies by the power of her stupid voice that America is obsessed with. Fuck the bullshit of the priorities of this society.

Ronan. I’m pissed tonight. Because of that picture below and because that beautiful body of yours in now in an Urn on my dresser. I now longer get to kiss you lips, but you cold Urn instead. None of this was your fault but you suffered and lost your life anyway. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m sorry if you were scared. I’m sorry if I let you down. I hope you don’t think I killed you. I hope you don’t think I didn’t do enough to save you. I hope you forgive me. I will NEVER forgive myself. If I would have made the right choices you would still be here. And FUCK all the Medical World for making parents like us, navigate our way though this by ourselves. And FUCK THEM for saying over and over to us that “No matter what choice you make, it will be the right one.” FUCKING LIARS. If that were true, my son would still be here. You have a lot of making up to do, Doctors/Scientists/Researchers of the world. Please do me a favor and get your shit together. No mother should have to bathe and redress her dead child’s body. No mother should have to wear her child’s ashes around her neck. FUCK YOU FOR FAILING US.

I signed. Will you??

This needs 5,000 signatures. So far, there are 50. That’s sad. Seems like such a simple thing to do. Take a second to sign, please. I often wonder how many of these things are legit…. but it’s worth a shot. Sign, share, and help do something. Thank you, lovelies.

 

https://wwws.whitehouse.gov/petitions#!/petition/keep-kids-alive-allocate-more-funds-towards-childhood-cancer-research/8ZnnxNgw

 

xoxo

Because he should still be here. Cancer should not have won. Things have to change.

Happy Birthday to the Most Interesting Woman in the World!

 

A Birthday, Smiles, and Sparkles

Ronan. I smiled today. A couple of things made me smile and it felt o.k. I started this morning by running with Samya. I’m having a hard time, finding my love for this running thing again. I am still trying to get over that mental block that I seem to be having. I asked Samya if we could not run on the Canal this morning. She sweetly agreed to trust me and I picked out a different route for us. We ran up some hills, through some neighborhoods, and past Camelback Mountain. It was much better than the dirty, dusty, canal. After our run I came home and did the usual routine. The house was so quiet as everyone was still asleep. I hopped in the shower and went through the list of things I needed to get done today. After the shower, I was thankful for the quietness, as I had something important to do. It is Fernanda’s birthday today. I bought her the same locket necklace that Macy got for me in San Diego. I’ve had it for a while and knew what I was going to do with it. I got out the glue and spread a think layer on the inside of the locket. I took your ashes into the dining room and sat you on the table. I opened up your Urn, dipped my hand into you, kissed you and told you to please take care of Fernanda, for the rest of her life. I cried and smiled at the same time, knowing that you wouldn’t let me down. I let the locket dry, wrote her a little card and sealed it with a kiss. I felt as though you were watching me today, helping me with this decision as I know it might seem strange. But it felt right. And I have been thinking about this for a long time. She was with you, right before you passed away. I knew this would be the most beautiful, special gift to her. And it was just as special to me; to be able to give her such a thing. You know I would give her the moon and the stars above if I could. The gift of you is better than anything in this world. I couldn’t think of a more perfect way today, to let my friend know how much she means to me.

I dropped L and Q off at school with the usual goodbyes, I love you’s, see you at 3:15, please try your hardest today. They make me proud everyday. I watched them in the rear view mirror, as they walked into school. I looked back at your empty seat in the car, expecting to hear you yell goodbye to them. It kills me everyday to look back there and not see your sweet little face. I drove to Taylor’s where I told Fernanda I would meet her for breakfast. I sat and ordered a coffee and talked to the waitress about her amazing Amber colored eyes. This darling girl waits on me a lot when I’m there. Her eyes, are stunning and I always tell her so. You know what a sucker I am for pretty eyes. Fernanda soon arrived and I gave her a Happy Birthday hug. We sat and caught up before we ordered our food. I told her to close her eyes as I stood up to give her our birthday gift. I took out the purple jar of glitter that I had in my purse and started sprinkling it all over her head and told her it was from you. She was laughing, and crying, and was covered in all things Purple and Sparkly. I laughed while doing this today as I thought of you and knew how much you would have loved to be a part of something like this. I then gave her the locket of you. I cannot remember what Fernanda said, but there were a lot of tears involved and a lot of words flying out of her mouth. I get easily distracted by her beautiful Spanish accent and her words just kind of flew over my head. I know she told me that it was the most special gift she has ever received, how much it meant to her and some other things. I heard her words, but most of all, I just felt. I felt something else than pain. It may have been a feeling of happiness. Just a tiny bit. The tiny bit of happiness that I now cling to like I am holding on to for dear life. Because I am. I am holding on for dear life, that happiness will once again, be a part of me.

After I left Fernanda covered in glitter and my lipgloss all over her cheek, I ran home to take care of a few things. Lots of things. Lots of important but not really important things that fill my days. There are so many of those things now. All the things that come with the responsibility that I cannot just abandon because I just don’t care anymore. As much as I don’t care, I still have a responsibility to take care of things around here. Our house is so freaking clean and organized that I don’t even have laundry to do, Ro. Pathetic. I only wish that I were going crazy because of the millions of messes that I was cleaning up after you. You drawing on the walls, you spitting your food out across the table because you knew it drove me crazy, you climbing up the refrigerator and shoving food into your mouth, you taking a bath a pouring water all over the sides or splashing so much that I would have been drenched from head to toe. I wished for those days back, so badly.

I drove out to see Dr. Rachel today. The therapist your Daddy and I see. He couldn’t make it, so I went and saw her alone. It was good. It gave me a chance to fill her in on the life before I married your Daddy. A little bit of background. She wants to know why I’m so hard on myself. Where that stems from. She wanted to talk about the guilt that I seem to be consumed with. She wanted to talk about a lot of things but also said she didn’t want to undo any of my other individual therapy that I am doing. She respected my boundaries which I very much appreciated. I have a little bit of a guard up with her and I’m not sure why. I guess it could have to do with the fact that your Daddy and I both see her. It was glad to let her in a little bit. I would like to be able to let her in more, but I think it’s going to take some time.

Lots more to say tonight, but I’ve got an early morning run calling my name. Ro. Please help me out. I saw you on my run this morning; that little hummingbird that decided to show up, right when I wanted to stop. I didn’t stop. I hope you’ll be around tomorrow. I’ve got to get my running Mojo back if I’m going to kick this P.F. Changs Half-Marathons butt. Any extra push you can give me tomorrow would be great.

I love you to the moon and back. I miss you more than anything in the world. I am so lucky you were mine, for as long as I had you. You will change my life in ways that I’m not even aware of because I am stuck in this thick fog which you will help me out of, when I am ready. I know this. G’nite sweet boy. I hope you are safe. A million kisses to you. I’ll bet you miss my kisses so much you wouldn’t dare tell me, “IT’S NOT A KISSING DAY!!!!”

I love you, my not spicy, monkey boy.

xoxo

The Stages of Life without you

Ronan. Productive days are good for me. Days where I am busy, have lots of tasks at hand, and it forces me to feel like I have a bit of a purpose in this life without you. I went this a.m. to meet your Mimi so we could have a meeting with our Foundation CPA. I wanted to meet her and go over a few questions I had. It was a good, productive meeting. Afterwords, I headed out to North Scottsdale to see the Good Doctor. I like to check in with him every couple of months. I told him that I had stopped taking my Zoloft. He asked why and I told him that I was tired of being numb. He said that was a good reason and asked all the usual questions to make sure that I am actually doing alright without it. I told him that I wanted to deal with the pain of losing you, and to actually feel it; even as much as it hurts. We talked about a lot of different things. I told him about the sleep issues I’m still having in a major way and how I’ve taken my Ambien the past couple of nights. I don’t want to take that crap, but I also know that sometimes I need a break from all of this pain. Trying to sleep on my own, with only Melatonin, is just not working. I’m still going to continue to try, but I can only take so much. I hope one day I’ll be at peace with sleeping again. I really miss it.

After my visit with the Good Doctor, I came home and was full of way too much energy/anxiety. I threw on my clothes and drove to Camelback Mountain. I met my Frienemy, Inferno Fuckwad Bob there. I hiked up that mountain, as fast as I could today. It was only 102 out. Just as I was tackling the last part of it, I felt the need to stop and take a break. But then the voices in my head, screamed at me otherwise. They told me to keep going, to push myself harder, because you were waiting at the top for me. I could have been suffering from heat stroke, but I didn’t care. In my mind, I had to keep going, to get to you. I ignored the waves of nausea in my stomach, and continued to the top where I think I almost passed out. I sat and took a lot of deep breaths and drank my water. There were a couple of other people as crazy as me, who were there as well. They were there for pure pleasure though. Not because they know anything about Inferno Fuckwad Bob. I sat and listened to the happy conversations around me and almost got lost in the couples world; while they were snapping pictures of each other and were beaming with excitement about making it to the top. I wished to be that girl that I used to be today….. so giddy and proud of hiking Camelback. I remembered that girl today. The one who used to hike Camelback for pure pleasure, not because she feeds off of the pain. That girl seemed so young, so innocent, and so carefree. I missed that girl.  I wished for a rewind button, before you were sick. I wished so many things today at the top of that mountain. None of them came true.

Somebody asked me the other day, where I was in the stages of Grief. I am aware of the stages, but the question caught me off guard. Stages? I have to follow the stages? I didn’t know how to answer. It seemed so strange to me, as if there is a formula to follow after losing you. I am not like everyone else because everyone else did not have YOU, as there son. I guess I’ve never really taken the time to sit down and process the “Stages.”  I took a look at them the other day. They make sense, but I don’t necessarily think there is an order that I am following them in. I have felt these things, since you were diagnosed. I feel these things, 100 times a day. I don’t think the things below should be named the “Stages of Grief.” It should be written as a manual on, “Welcome to your new life, after losing your child.”

It should also have a side note that says, “Good luck with that. Doesn’t it fucking suck?” Here are the “Stages,” below. Just in case any of you are curious.

Denial

This first stage of grieving helps us to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle.

As you accept the reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you are unknowingly beginning the healing process. You are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface.

Anger

Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless. The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the more you will heal. There are many other emotions under the anger and you will get to them in time, but anger is the emotion we are most used to managing. The truth is that anger has no limits. It can extend not only to your friends, the doctors, your family, yourself and your loved one who died, but also to God. You may ask, “Where is God in this?

Underneath anger is pain, your pain. It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned, but we live in a society that fears anger. Anger is strength and it can be an anchor, giving temporary structure to the nothingness of loss. At first grief feels like being lost at sea: no connection to anything. Then you get angry at someone, maybe a person who didn’t attend the funeral, maybe a person who isn’t around, maybe a person who is different now that your loved one has died. Suddenly you have a structure – – your anger toward them. The anger becomes a bridge over the open sea, a connection from you to them. It is something to hold onto; and a connection made from the strength of anger feels better than nothing.We usually know more about suppressing anger than feeling it. The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love.

Bargaining

Before a loss, it seems like you will do anything if only your loved one would be spared. “Please God, ” you bargain, “I will never be angry at my wife again if you’ll just let her live.” After a loss, bargaining may take the form of a temporary truce. “What if I devote the rest of my life to helping others. Then can I wake up and realize this has all been a bad dream?”

We become lost in a maze of “If only…” or “What if…” statements. We want life returned to what is was; we want our loved one restored. We want to go back in time: find the tumor sooner, recognize the illness more quickly, stop the accident from happening…if only, if only, if only. Guilt is often bargaining’s companion. The “if onlys” cause us to find fault in ourselves and what we “think” we could have done differently. We may even bargain with the pain. We will do anything not to feel the pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt. People often think of the stages as lasting weeks or months. They forget that the stages are responses to feelings that can last for minutes or hours as we flip in and out of one and then another. We do not enter and leave each individual stage in a linear fashion. We may feel one, then another and back again to the first one.

Depression

After bargaining, our attention moves squarely into the present. Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever. It’s important to understand that this depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. We withdraw from life, left in a fog of intense sadness, wondering, perhaps, if there is any point in going on alone? Why go on at all? Depression after a loss is too often seen as unnatural: a state to be fixed, something to snap out of. The first question to ask yourself is whether or not the situation you’re in is actually depressing. The loss of a loved one is a very depressing situation, and depression is a normal and appropriate response. To not experience depression after a loved one dies would be unusual. When a loss fully settles in your soul, the realization that your loved one didn’t get better this time and is not coming back is understandably depressing. If grief is a process of healing, then depression is one of the many necessary steps along the way.

Acceptance

Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel OK or all right about the loss of a loved one. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. We will never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually we accept it. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live. We must try to live now in a world where our loved one is missing. In resisting this new norm, at first many people want to maintain life as it was before a loved one died. In time, through bits and pieces of acceptance, however, we see that we cannot maintain the past intact. It has been forever changed and we must readjust. We must learn to reorganize roles, re-assign them to others or take them on ourselves.

Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. As we begin to live again and enjoy our life, we often feel that in doing so, we are betraying our loved one. We can never replace what has been lost, but we can make new connections, new meaningful relationships, new inter-dependencies. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, we change, we grow, we evolve. We may start to reach out to others and become involved in their lives. We invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves. We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time.

So, there you have it, Ro. The Stages of Grief. I do think it was beautifully written. I think it was written by Dr. J’s friend, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. I’m reading her book now, “On Children and Death.” She was a good friend of Dr. J’s which tells me she is worthy of me reading her book. I’m not too far into it as I am having a hard time staying focused on it as it is one of the many pile of books next to my bed. I want to finish this one first, but I have some homework that I am trying to get done before I meet up with of few of our lovelies next month to go over your Foundation. Homework that requires research and not enough hours in the day.

Ro baby. I spent the rest of the day, playing the good mama role, really well. Except I didn’t cook dinner but one of our dolls dropped off dinner instead. Thanks, Katie. You saved me tonight<3<3<3

Time to try to sleep, Ro. I’m getting up early to run with Samya in the morning. Miss you so much. I love you and hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, Baby Doll.

xoxo

Sparkly Toes, Fingers, and Eyes…..

Ronan. I gave in after trying everything to go to sleep last night, and popped my old friend, Ambien. AKA-the Devil. I couldn’t take it anymore. My skin was crawling, my head was screaming, and I was tossing and turning. I had all I could take. 2o minutes after taking that evil little pill and I was out cold. Until 7:30 this morning. I woke up,wishing I had not, and praying to a God that I don’t even think exists, to let me go back to sleep for the next 5 years. Somebody, please put me out of my misery. I ask for this everyday, but nobody is listening. I had no choice, but to get ready for the day ahead.

I dropped your brothers off at school and headed to Starbucks to pick up some Coffee and a treat for Mia. I had told Sandra, the night before that I would come down to PCH to keep her company. I parked in our parking garage, and sat in my car for a while. I gave myself a big pep talk and headed into the Clinic where we used to spend so much time. I was o.k., walking in. I found Sandra and Mia; who was in so much pain. Fucking Cancer. I have not seen Mia in such a long time. Sandra brought her in today because the little button, that she has inserted in her stomach to administer all of her medication, is a bloody mess. Obviously, something is not right and Sandra was at her whit’s end. I went back with them to a treatment room. I saw Dr. Eshun who gave me a big hug and smile. He is such a good man. I sat with Sandra, and helped her as best as I could. It actually felt good to be of some use to someone today. This is how I know I am meant to spend the rest of my life, with little people like Mia. I felt at home, being back in that clinic today. I sat and watched as Mia cried out in pain and rubbed the outside of her “button,” which looks so raw and painful. I did my best to distract her with my laptop and a cartoon on my computer. My battery died as I didn’t charge it the night before. Note to self: do not show up at  a hospital with a dead iPad and Computer battery. Total fail.

Mia was seen by one of her nurses who sent over to the surgery area and to wait and see one of the doctors. I brought my “Happy Birthday,” nail polish along and sat in the waiting room and painted Mia’s toenails. She loved it and it made me happy as I thought of you the entire time I painted her little piggies. I sent our Mr. Sparkly Eyes a picture of Mia’s toes, just for you, and told him they were almost as sparkly as his eyes:) You so loved showing off your sparkly toes to him, Ro. You would have loved Mia’s today. I wear this color a lot; just for you.

After being in the surgery waiting area for about 2 hours, Sandra was finally told that Mia probably has an Ulser, which is what is causing the pain and bloody discharge. The doctor gave her a couple of options and she decided to take Mia home and start her on some new Antibiotics that they prescribed to help with the pain. They will take care of getting a scope into Mia’s tummy next week to make sure this is what the problem is. I let Sandra check out and pushed Mia’s stroller outside to the elevators. I kissed her little toes and rubbed her little bald head as she looked at me and told me how much she was hurting. I just told her how sorry I was and how I wished I could take away her pain. I vowed once again, not to stop this crusade until changes are made and awareness starts happening. I swore as I looked at Mia’s beat down, little body, that I will help her mama fight for her, as hard as I can.

After Sandra and Mia left, I ran inside the hospital to see our friend, Super Nate. I had yet to meet him and I had talked to his mama, Beth earlier in the week, so I knew they were there. She asked if she could come down to the cafeteria to see me or if I wanted to come up to meet Nate. I told her I thought I would be fine coming up. I did and walked into the new hospital, up to the 7th floor. I hadn’t been on the new floor yet. The new hospital is so big. The rooms are very nice, but the home sweet home feeling of the old hospital, seems to have been lost. I found Nate and his Mama in their room and Nate was watching T.V. He is so beautiful, Ro. You two would have been great friends. I chatted with his mama for a few minutes, asked Nate a couple of questions, and told him I would come back to visit him with and would be sure to bring him some new Star Wars guys. I told him about your buddy, Captain Rex. I will make sure he gets to know him for you.

As I headed down the elevator, I thought to myself, that I did an o.k. job…. that I was capable of handing all that I had made myself do today. Just as I was walking down the hall, it was as if I was sent back into a time warp. I found myself standing in that exact same spot, by the cafeteria, where I chased you down the hall and you told me you loved me to the moon and back. I pictured your bald head, your little Star Wars pajamas and I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. The tears were pouring, I felt like fainting but I somehow managed to throw my sunglasses on and almost sprint out of there today. I wanted nothing more but to turn a corner and find you there, hiding from me. To hear you saying, ” I Love you, Mama. You’re my best friend.” I can’t believe I’ll never hear those words from you again, Ro.

I spent the night hanging with your Daddy and brothers. It was a low-key night and your Daddy walked down to Uncle Jay’s for a while to hang out with his friends. I spent the night cuddled in bed with both of your brothers. I took an Ambien to sleep. Yup. I had no choice. I had to get up early this morning to meet Samya for a run on the canal, Ro, and I had to get some decent sleep. I did, too. A solid 7 hours. I bounced out of bed at 6 a.m. and headed over to Taylor’s to meet Samya for our 6 mile run. It was good. I got rid of the mental block in my head as you know how much I hate that stupid Canal. Dusty, ugly, dirty, smelly, and bugs everywhere. I did my best to pretend as if I was running back in NYC….. God, how I miss that city. 6 miles went by in a blur there. The 6 miles today, was o.k. It felt good to be up and out running with my new friend. She is going to be a great motivator; but my heart just felt lost without you. I thought back to the time I pushed you for 13 miles on the Canal, with Marisa, in the jogging stroller. I remember how happy I was to have you with me. How much I loved to push you as I ran. You were so content to just sit there, as long as you were with me. You were my Yin and I was your Yang. Nothing else mattered.

I’m back home now. Everyone is sound asleep. Liam and Quinn have a basketball game this afternoon. I will take you with me to watch. I take you everywhere I go; just in a different way now. Ronan. So many kids are losing their battles with Cancer, everyday. I’m sure it’s always been like this, but now that I’m aware of it, it seems as if everything I read says, “So and so lost their battle with Cancer today. He or She earned their angel wings. Fly baby, fly.” I fucking HATE those words. Angel Wings? Give me a fucking break. This may bring some people peace, but it does the opposite for me. It just pisses me off. No child should have to be wearing angel wings unless it comes in the form of being alive and running around with pretend wings on and a magic wand. Angel Wings my ass. I guess the thought of this gives some people comfort, but it’s not for me. I’d rather think of you still here, close by me…. not far away, flying around. I don’t want to think of you as an angel… I’d rather still think of you as my Little Devil.

It’s late now and the day is gone. The day was spent hanging out. I went to The Village, to watch your brothers play in their basketball game. You would have been so proud. They played their hearts out and won their game. It was so fun to watch them play with such fire. I thought of you and how you would have yelled and cheered for them. How you would have went and sat on the sidelines next to them, instead of next to me. You always loved to be right in the middle of everything those two did. I felt sad today, sitting there watching something so happy. I put on another good show today and hid my tears from everyone. Your brothers saw nothing from me but my smile and the proud look in my eyes. Fake it till You Make it!! Everyday of this life so far without you. The days I don’t feel like faking it, I just hide in bed for most of the day and put together my master plans. I love those days the most. When I’m alone, the house is quiet but I have 50 busy projects going on. I love when Fernanda comes to try to kidnap me but she gives in and just stays in bed with me. You’d be surprised how much we could accomplished with our coffee meetings in bed. I think movie watching should be mandatory as well. Lots of coffee, Coke, and Junkfood can inspire amazing things. I think I would like to hold all “business meetings,” in my bed. Pajamas required. I could be content to never leave this house again. The sunshine is just too goddamn bright out there. I’m so over this sun. I told my friends on FB today, that I have decided to move to Forks, Washington and in with Edward Cullen. I could totally do the vampire life in dark and dreary Washington. Makes me homesick. I hate waking up everyday to “HELLLLLOOOO CHEERY SUNSHINE!!!!!!!!!!” Shut up. There is nothing to be cheery about out there. Bring on the dark, gloomy, cold, rain. Fits my mood to a tee.

Is life always going to hurt this much, Ro? Is anything ever going to feel good again?  I’ve survived another weekend and I’m exhausted from a weekend of pretend happiness. Pretend normalness. Normal things around the house. “Oh look, the Raiders beat the Jets!” “Come to dinner with us, Mom!” “Do you want to get Ice Cream, too?” I muster up the energy to tackle these normal things, but all I want to do is baracade myself in your bedroom and go to sleep for the rest of my life. Happiness is all around. Laugher is everywhere.  It should feel good to me, right? It doesn’t. It’s exhausting and I want a break. I would like to selfishly leave this life of mine behind, and disappear for a while. That’s right. I said it. And I get it. I get that I have sooooooo much to live for. I have soooooo many people who love me. But does that make any of this any better? No. It doesn’t change the fact that you are gone. And all I want is to be gone too. I’m sorry, Ro. I guess I’ve had a bad week. I really wish there was a magic wand that would make me feel better because I’m getting tired of feeling this way. Hopefully this week will be o.k. I’ve got a busy enough week ahead of me full of trying to find my way through this fog.

Or maybe I need to say peace out to AZ and go find some real fog somewhere that will allow me to truly get lost. All I want to do is to get lost. All everybody else wants me to do is to find myself. Here’s a little secret, peeps. You are never going to find me, because I am DEAD. The former Maya, does not exist anymore. When you died, Ronan. You basically took me with you. It was the only way for us to stay together. So now, my soul belongs to you. Someday, I hope to be reborn. But I will never be the same girl I was before all of this. Who knows, maybe I’ll be even better. If Ronan has something to do with this, I know I will be. But stop with the pushing. It’s not happening unless it happens on my own. This is why I have been renamed Maya Inca Thompson. My alter ego, badass name. Inca Forever! Thanks Travis Tinney. You are awesome.

I should probably go now, baby boy. I’m too full of piss and vinagar tonight to continue to write. I miss you so much that I don’t know how much more of this life I can take without you. Come and get me, please. I know you can…. so just come and do it. I can’t take being without you any longer. I can’t take not being able to tuck you in at night or kiss your sweet little lips. I miss you, Ro. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, my little Devil.

xoxo

Because this kid is truly awesome

Fiona needs to make a comeback. Please. Where the heck did she go?

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    I took Pearl to the library today. I don't think she's going to be allowed back. #ronan #fucancer #fuckinpearl #blacksheep #rebel #kickedout #bannedforlife #boozebeforebooks Monday Mantra. #ronan #fucancer #goodmorningworld #ilovemondays #imissyou @macywood_ Li Li Love. #ronan #fucancer #poppyroo #liamlove #littleballers #arcadiatitans #bestbigbros #luckylittlegirl
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