Ronan. I’m wiped out. But restless. What’s new. I feel like this most days. But today, I am feeling extra exhausted. I think the day of running in the hot sun, crying, throwing up, trying to write Dr. Kushner a letter, throwing up some more, meeting with Dr. J, and tending to your brothers tonight, has done me in. But here I sit, unable to turn off my brain, worried that if I don’t write to you, that you will be sad. That you will think I don’t miss you, I don’t ache for you every second of the day, that you will think I’m forgetting you. I still feel like this is my way of taking care of you. This is my way of feeding you dinner, playing with you, bathing you, reading to you, tucking you in and kissing you goodnight. This is the way I take care of you now, by writing to you so I can make sure you still feel like a part of our family.
I took your brothers to school today and told them it was Rosh Hashanah. They had no idea what that was, so I explained to them it was the Jewish New Year. They wanted to know all about it. I love their curious little minds. I did my best to explain it, and told them Rosh Hashanah marks the start of a new year in the Hebrew calendar. How much of it is about reflection and striving to be a better person. I love that.
After we talked about this in the car on the way to school, I got them to agree that they would take some time in the next few day to really reflect on our past year. Should be interesting as it was the worst year of our life. I am going to let them answer in whatever way they want, as they should not be afraid to feel the things they are feeling. I can just hear Quinn screaming that this past year was awful because you died. I’ll embrace that and nurture that, but he is also going to have to come up with something a little more peaceful and positive. We need to nurture both feelings. They deserve to say how they feel and to take the time to sit back and reflect what we have gone through. I feel like explaining this holiday to them, is a good way to put that out there.
Ro baby. I passed out. Cold, after writing the above. It’s 3:30 a.m. and I’m wide awake. I hate that I struggle with this sleep thing so much. All I want is to sleep for 12 hours. Straight. My body and mind both need it. I have a lot to do tomorrow that requires a lot of my brain power. My brain does not work the way it used to. It is beyond frustrating. I was thinking about this as I left Dr. J tonight. We had a session that lasted over an hour and a half. I left there feeling so tired, that I could hardly function. I had to drive to pick up your brothers and I was asking Dr. J questions in my head like if she ever thought my mind would be the same again. If it would ever go back to being not filled with so many painful and paralyzing memories. I then sat back and wondered if I would ever be that girl again. That fun girl that I used to be. I thought about how it must really suck to be around me, to my friends now, because all that is associated with me, is sadness. A sadness that nobody knows what to do with and a reality check that nobody wants. This is a big part of why I tend to go into hiding. I don’t want my friends to feel sadness when they are around me. I’d rather not burden anyone and go through this alone.
I had a meeting today with my lovelie, Katie, from the Garage. My friend, Carolyn, met us for lunch too. We are working out some very fun details of an event that will be coming up for Ronan. I don’t want to say too much about it yet, except for Save the Date for the evening of Thursday, November 10th. We are putting something amazing together and it will be in Old Town Scottsdale. I am hoping to finalize the details by this Saturday Morning and will announce them this weekend, so stay tuned. It is going to be a night full of all things Rockstar:)
After I left Katie, I came home and camped out in your room for a while. I threw down a blanket, sat with your Urn and GiGi. I tried to hash out my Dr. Kushner letter. You know it takes a lot for me to be at a loss for words, Ro. I could not find the words to write to him today. I was struggling with being the wild animal mama, who just lost her son, as well the composed mama who wants this letter to make sense because I want him to read it. I was trying my best to be the composed yet emotional mama. Those two things are hard to navigate together. I did a lot of writing, then stopping, walking around, throwing up, writing again, crying, throwing up. I had no idea I was going to have such a physical reaction to this letter writing. I also had to finish up the timeline that Dr. J wanted. I started it from the time you were diagnosed to the date that you took your last breath. I had to look up dates from the writings of this blog which was bloody horrific as well. I told you I don’t reread this thing. The bits and pieces I had to go back and read, to fill out dates of things, was absolute torture. It was more painful than I thought it would be. I avoided as much as I could, but even catching glimpses of some of my words was enough to make me want to find that big hole in our backyard and bury myself in it for the rest of my life.
I finished the timeline, but I did not even come close to finishing the Dr. Kushner letter. I ran out of the house, feeling exhausted and beat down. I don’t know how I am going to win this battle without you, Ronan. I have been feeling so overwhelmed with so many things. I got to Dr. J’s office and I felt like I was going to pass out. I slumped down on her couch, and let the weight of my body sink into the heavy world around me. I easily could have slipped into a coma. I gave her your timeline. We went over all of it for over 2 hours. I felt like I was being transformed back into each date. I could hardly find the words to articulate my thoughts. She was gentle with me. She helped me get through it. I don’t know where she came from Ronan, but that woman is unlike anyone on this earth. I brought her a little gift, from you. A shirt that I had Samya make. The “All Good Things Are Wild And Free,” shirt. It was meant for her. It was meant for you. It was meant for me. She loved it. She knows the deeper, spiritual meaning behind this shirt. It’s going to become my personal freaking mantra.
Ro baby. I started this post days ago. Days. Before my little freak out post last night. I know I freaked out. I have to every once in a while. I am such a calm person by nature, Ronan. Feeling anger like I was last night had to be unleashed. The beast, had to be tamed. Your poor Daddy Woo. My Superman, amazing husband. The BEST man on the planet. I know I don’t write about your Daddy a lot on here. For a few reasons. I have to keep some things, sacred. What we are going through, and how we are going through this is very different. But we are going through it, together. He is my silent partner in crime. The one I can always count on, no matter what. The one I love and I will love forever. The one I sit back and watch, as he coaches your brothers basketball game and I think to myself, you are so lucky to have him. I know this. As much as I blab about checking out, leaving everyone and everything behind…. that is my pain talking. You know I would never do such a thing. Your daddy is being supportive of me and my craziness. That makes me love him even more. He knows I’m not going anywhere, but if I up and said I wanted to go away, to Thailand like I often joke about, he would say o.k. How many people can say they are married to a man like that? Not many, I’m sure. The times that I do mentally check out, he knows I’m not going far. He knows he is my home. He knows it will always stay this way. He is not worried because he knows me as well as he knows himself. He knows us. You know us, Ro. You know there is nothing to really worry about. I’m human. I’m hurting. There is no easy way to go through something like this. I am simply just doing it. One day at a time. Hour by hour. Minute by minute. Cuss word after cuss word. Uncensored. Raw. Real. Because that’s the path I’ve chosen and I’m not looking back at the things I say or the words I write. Because at the time, it was exactly what I was feeling and needing to say. No regrets.
So, baby boy. What else have I been up to? Trying to find a balance in this new life. Trying to figure out how to handle all these fuels in the fire. But wanting to make sure I am grieving for you properly as well. Dr. J asked how often I sit back and really think about all that has happened. How often do I just sit with this? It is always with me. But to think about all the millions of details, in depth, is so painful. I sit with these thoughts of you, when I cannot control them. I give into everything I am feeling, when I am with Dr. Joanne. I am also very good at giving myself a million things to do, to distract me. I am being so productive. I sometimes think too productive. But what is my other option? To stay in bed all day and do nothing? I think allowing myself to do this once in a while is o.k. But for the most part, I need to stay busy with my days. I need to sit here and figure out how I am going to make your little face, change the world. That is such a big job, Ro. But if anyone can do it, it’s you. It’s me. It’s us and these amazing people we have, wanting to help, that can get this done. Because if nothing comes from this, then what? You would be so pissed at me. I’m not going to fail you. I promise.
Liam and Quinn had basketball practice tonight. Your Daddy was late due to being stuck in traffic, so I had to fill in and be the pretend coach. It was cute. It was fun. Your brothers loved having me fill in. Your Daddy came to the rescue soon, thankfully, because I didn’t have a clue as to what I was doing. We had dinner afterwords, at Beckett’s Table. Liam started not feeling well as soon as we sat down. I watched him as he put his little head on the table and said he had a really bad headache. He could hardly contain himself the pain was so intense. That’s never happened to him before. I took him home, while your Daddy and Quinn finished up dinner. I gave him Tylenol. He threw up everywhere from the pounding of his head. I ran him a bath and cleaned him up. The whole time, I was thinking to myself that this was the first time, that I have taken care of someone else, besides you, since you were diagnosed. This was the first time, that I was taking care of someone who didn’t have Cancer. I felt so lucky and blessed to be taking care of Liam. I felt so lucky, to have him there, being sick because of a headache and not Cancer. I was thankful to put him in the bath, to wash his hair, to give him 7-Up and to tuck him into my bed. I felt thankful to be his mama. I wished you would have been there, helping me, so badly.
My mind instantly went to my bad place as I prayed that this is just a headache and not Brain Cancer. I got physically sick to my stomach because now I know too much reality. My mind works differently and it took everything I had not to throw him in the car and take him to PCH for a MRI or CT scan. He has been asleep for a while now. I will wake him soon, to check on him. I will watch him for the next few days. I will ask you to take care of him and to please make sure it is only exhaustion/a headache. They say lighting doesn’t strike twice, right? So they say. I’m an instant skeptic.
I have to tell you one more thing. I found something the other day on the site that I use to post a lot of my sayings and pictures. To say it knocked the wind out of me, doesn’t even touch how it made me feel. I have to post it. I have to share it because it is just too real. I found a picture of a little girl. It was under the “Twilight,” category because I guess she is supposed to be the spawn of Edward and Bella. She looks exactly like you. I even showed your brothers and they both were in awe. I swear, if you had been a girl, this is what you would have looked like. It looks so much like you, that I can’t stop thinking about it. Or maybe I am just delusional. That could very well be a possibility. Here is the pic.
G’nite my sweet baby. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.
Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.
Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many.
Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books.
Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.
Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations.
But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.