Crazy Cat Lady


Ronan. I’ve been quiet today. Which you know, are my most painful days. I didn’t sleep well last night. Woke up at 2:30, a.m….. watching the clock. Paced around the house. 3:30 a.m. was here before I knew it…. close to the time you passed away. I managed to go back to sleep, woke up around 5 a.m. ready to start the day, but did not get out the door for boot camp. Did some things around the house instead. I got ready for the day ahead of me, which was a total freaking blur. I don’t even know what went on. I’m like a crazy Cat Lady now. The crazy Cat Lady who lives alone, with 50 Kitty Cats in her house. Meow.

Except for the cats that surround me all day long, come in the form of notebooks, journals, books, pieces of paper, post it notes…. I take these things with me everywhere. I write, all day long. Lists, things to do, things to not forget, random words, names of songs, feelings, thoughts….. I write at stop lights, in the middle of the grocery store, while I’m waiting to pick the boys up from school…. I don’t even know what half of the shit is that I am writing. Maybe someday it will all come together, but for now, it is one big flood. I’m drowning in my words and the flood cannot be stopped. I hope it is healing, but only time will tell. Until that time comes, I am content to be the Crazy Cat Lady.

I remember thinking today, that I needed to get my passport picture retaken; as my passport has expired. I decided it was a great idea to go to Kinko’s to get it done. So random. Your Daddy called as I was in route. I told him what I was doing. I told him I was going to get my passport picture taken. He asked where I was going that I would need my passport. I wanted tell him, that I was going crazy. Instead, thoughts of Africa, Thailand, and Vietnam flashed across my mind; but I didn’t tell him that. I have been blabbing about going to Vietnam with Trish for about 6 months now. Mostly just to get a reaction out of your Daddy. I don’t have any concrete plans to go anywhere, as of now. That could all change, tomorrow. Why can’t I go to one of these places? I have decided that I hate the word, “Can’t.” I wrote this tonight to one of our lovies, who was saying that word. I called Bullshit on that word. Because it is. I think I said something along the lines of, “Life is too short. Stop saying you can’t. You can do anything you want, because you are alive. Ronan CANNOT, because he is DEAD. You are not.” It is true.

Sometimes I don’t know where my bluntness comes from, but then I remember you. You were so bold, blunt, and true to yourself. I am finding little parts of you, just live inside of me. I really do feel like your spirit went back into my body some days. I felt like that today, which is another reason my body/mind just seems to shut down and just let’s you take over. I just let you guide me as I kind of float through the days. I never know where you will take me, or what we will embark upon together. But I am ALWAYS up for the journey. It’s just you and me, baby. Just like we used to say, back in the day. Back in the day; that feels like so long ago. I feel like you have been gone, for 4 years, not almost 4 short months. What the hell is that all about? Is it because of how much I miss you? How much I long for you every second of the day? It has to be. I feel like I’ve been trapped in this world without you forever, when the truth is, you left this earth such a short time ago.

I am suddenly so tired now. The girls(Stacy,Trish, Fernanda) came over tonight because Daddy is working late. Stacy brought a bottle of Melatonin. I told her I’d try anything to get off of this Ristoral. I asked her really, how many I could take. 10?? 20?? The bottle says 1. We decided I could take 2. I doubt anyone has ever died a Melatonin overdose. I’ll have to Google that one. I think I’m o.k. with taking 2, except for it’s made me totally sleepy.  Yummy. I miss sleepiness.

I’m giving in tonight. I don’t think I can write about the rest of my day. Except to tell you that I missed you with every inch of my body. From my lips to my toes. Oh. And tonight, when I hugged Fernanda goodbye, I kissed the inside of her neck. For one second, I felt like I was kissing you, as that was always my favorite place to kiss you. I always kissed you there and told you I was getting some of your sugar. I got all teary eyed as wasn’t planning on kissing the nape of her neck…. but I did, and it reminded me so much of you. I love you baby boy. I love you to the moon and back, forever and ever. I hope you are safe. G’night my love. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

 

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11 Comments

  1. Mira

     /  September 1, 2011

    Crazy Cat Lady?? CRAZY CAT LADY???

    Where is Maya Inka Thompson!?!

    Personally I think of you as the ‘Shit List Lady’ and giggle every morning when I write my own shit list for the day (on my notepad that has a heading that reads, “So little time – so much fucking shit to do”). But really it isn’t funny. It’s pathetic really. There is much more to life yet I get consumed by my shit list. I try not to obsess over it and think of Ronan and you many times throughout the day. Getting to know you via your blog has put things, and kept them, in perspective. I hope you have a good sleep.

    Reply
  2. Jaime Harris

     /  September 1, 2011

    I like what you said about the word “can’t” as I also hate that word! Life is too short, you’re right! I’m sorry you miss your baby boy so much :( I miss him too, for you. I hope the melatonin works well for you! Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers daily!!! Love and hugs, xoxo. God bless, hope today is good as can be for you Maya!!

    Reply
  3. Laura

     /  September 1, 2011

    I hope you got a good restful night of sleep. Our thoughts and prayers are with your entire family.

    Reply
  4. Lea

     /  September 1, 2011

    Melatonin is great! Hope it worked for you. Another natural sleep booster is Valerian Root, works well too : ) you have to take it for a couple weeks though before it takes its full affect. I work a graveyard shift and needed help reversing my sleep schedule. I settled on melatonin. It comes in different mg’s too : )

    Reply
  5. Glenda

     /  September 1, 2011

    Hope you had sweet dreams with Rockstar Ro. Hope today is a good day for you.
    Thinking of you!
    Peace & strength mama bear!
    XO

    Reply
  6. nicole b.

     /  September 1, 2011

    Maya, I just wanted to send a really quick note to tell you that you a couple things. You and your writing has had a profound affect on me. I think about Ronan and your family all the time, ever since I started reading your blog a few months ago. I have read it from the beginning and have just now caught up to the current posts. In this post, you said that Ronan’s spirit lives in you, and though I am not a particularly religious person or someone who presumes to know anything about anything really, I so believe that to be true. I really feel that Ronan’s spirit is in you. I hope the melatonin worked and that you were able to sleep. Sending love with every thought of Ronan. xo

    Reply
  7. Katie

     /  September 1, 2011

    I hope the melatonin works wonders and can replace the other stuff! My dream for you at this moment is a night of rest…! I think of Ronan every single day, he has a part of my heart truly and it hurts for you and your family. I like that Mira thinks of you as the “shit list lady”… haha, that made me laugh. You make me laugh even amongst all of the darkness and sadness… there is also so much fiest and light in you… must be Ronan’s spirit shining through. :)

    Reply
  8. Maureen

     /  September 1, 2011

    thinking of you always and praying for peace.

    Reply
  9. susan

     /  September 1, 2011

    hey maya! just one of your anonymous readers sending you love, hugs and kindness. xo

    Reply
  10. mimi

     /  September 2, 2011

    hi maya,

    you are anything but crazy!!! i have been reading your blog for a few months now… always checking in to see how you are doing.
    one of my best friends has a little girl with neuroblastoma, it’s a horrible, torturous disease and I think it’s way more common than anyone knows. they just got an unfavorable MIBG scan and we are just devastated. crossing our fingers it was a fluke. it is so not fair.
    i read your blog back a few months and have combed through what brought peace to you throughout your nightmare, it helps me be more supportive to my friend. so thank you for being so real and sharing your experience. sending lots of love and prayers your way. you are very fortunate to have such beautiful, sweet twins and an awesome hubby. may they as well as your friends continue to lift you up.

    Reply
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