New York Miss Macy takes on Coronado!!! Watch out Navy Seal boys!


Ronan. I’m trying to remain calm and quiet tonight. Today was hard. WTF is going on? I thought things were supposed to be getting easier as time goes on. Time heals all wounds. Who is the dumb ass that made that up? All time is doing is taking me further and further away from you and this time I had with you on this earth. It just makes me miss you more. I don’t even really remember today, except it was another one of those longest days ever. I woke up late with Liam and Quinn. Made them breakfast, talked to you Daddy about some things, cried, all while Quinn sat and wouldn’t leave my side. UGH. You know how much I love your brother, but sometimes, I just need my space whether it be when I’m on a phone call or just trying to freaking go pee. Your brother refuses to leave my side. This breaks my heart, as I know the reason why and I tried to calmly talk to him about privacy today as he grabbed my phone to read a text message out loud that Macy had sent me. Little eyes! I handled the situation appropriately I guess, but I think he got his feelings hurt. After spending the past 3 days with your brothers, I’ll bet you Quinn has been away from me for maybe 10 minutes. I love how much he loves me. It’s as if he is trying to give me a double overload of love because you are gone and he knows I need it and he needs it too. But fuck. I do need my space every once in a while. Thank GOD for NY Miss Macy arriving tomorrow. Not only am I in desperate need of how she makes me laugh like no other, but she can take some of the pressure from this Quinn situation. Mama needs a break and a very long run to get out some of this restlessness.

Today, simply just sucked. Bad day. Bad headache. Bad mood. Bad everything. You know you are going to have a bad day when you wake up to the ocean and sun shinning and you feel pissed off. Liam and Quinn were still tired from yesterday and last night. We attempted to go down to the beach and pool for a while, but they were soon board as none of us were feeling it. Liam was tired, Quinn was tired, and my headache was out of control. We came back upstairs so I could make them lunch. I knew it was going to be one of those lazy bum beach days. Liam plopped himself in front of the T.V. and Quinn said he wanted to take a nap and wanted me to lay down with him. I couldn’t tell him no. We snuggled up in bed together and he grabbed my hand to hold while he fell asleep. I just watched him and tried not to cry. Remember our naps together? Almost everyday we would take one, it was part of our little routine. I loved those napping days together so much. I dozed off with Quinn but my sleep was restless as it always is, especially without my Ambien. I don’t think it would be such a good idea to take that stuff in the middle of the day. I wrestled with my sleep, tried to be peaceful, but woke up angry at everything still. Quinn slept for a few hours. He was beat. I got up and took out my aggression on the laundry, dishes, and cleaning.

After Quinn woke up, we got ready and decided to go out to dinner. We went to Old Town for some Mexican Food. I shared Carnita’s with Quinn and Liam ate a huge thing of chicken nuggets and the homemade tortillas that they make at the restaurant. He of course, dipped them in his ketchup. Your brother and his eating habits…. I swear he could live off of ketchup alone. It was a nice dinner but as always it was a big reminder that you are not here. We used to take you to that restaurant all of the time and it was as if there was a video playing inside my head of the last time we had been there with you. It was all I could focus on as I tried to hold a conversation with Liam and Quinn. I did my best.

It has not even been 2 months since you left me and already I can feel myself panicking about what I am going to do in August when your brothers go back to school. I am now panicking even more because your daddy brought it up today. He knows I will go crazy if I don’t have something to stay focused on. You were my soul focus for 4 years. Now what, Ro? I am scared to death as I don’t have a plan at all. I like a plan so much but a part of me wants to rebel against this “plan,” and just see what comes my way. Fuck the plan of life because I now know there are never any guarantees if you do have one. I had a plan with you. It was the most perfect plan and now look. I’m left alone, in a house, without you to take care of, while your brothers go back to school. I know I will figure something out, I have to. Otherwise, I know I will end up seriously doing something crazy like barricading myself in your room and never coming out.

I talked to my Bryson friend via text messaging tonight. Your spirits are so similar. He loves Star Wars, just like you. He is really passionate about living his life full of fun; just as you were. He has crazy pictures on his FB wall of the skiing he does, jumping off cliffs, etc….. That is so how you would have been. Nothing in life would have stopped you and I know you would have been extra fearless especially when it came to things like skiing, surfing, cliff diving, etc….. It was just something you were born with. Bryson is this way too. The more I learn about him, the more I am finding out how much alike you really are. I don’t know what this means, but I am intrigued. He is a very sweet boy. He told me he thinks we met so he could help me heal. I just told him that is a big job for such a young kid. Way too much for him to take on. He has already helped me by what he did for me on the airplane. Sitting alone without you for the first time…. I very well could have lost it. He distracted me and let me tell him the beautiful story about you. I am so thankful for that. That first flight was going to be hard on me.

I’ll smile tonight thinking about how you used to always say, “Mama.” and I would go, “Yes.” and you would say, “You’re cute.” and I would go, “You’re the cutest!” and then we would start our wrestling tickle party telling each other that the other one was cuter. I loved that so much. It was so fun to be so silly with you. So simple.
Alright my baby. You know our conversation that we had tonight? The one where I stare at the pic of you on your iPad and I swear you are staring back at me. I kiss you and whisper what I need you to do, which is take me with you. I told you to tell whoever it is upstairs, that I need to be up there with you. I am you mom. I am the one who is supposed to be taking care of you! I am fine with leaving here. You make them make it happen for me, Ro. We belong together. Just you and me. Just like we always said. I know you can hear me. Make it happen because I can’t take this much longer. Ambien is kicking in. I miss you so much and although I still had so much to say tonight….I’m tired. I love you so much. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Where’s Macy??? Where’s Ro????

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23 Comments

  1. anon

     /  June 30, 2011

    “I am fine with leaving here”

    Oh Maya, please no :( Just yesterday you were saying FU to the bridge and now you’re begging Ro to take you with him. I can only imagine how much you wish you were with him, but that would mean leaving Quinn & Liam & Woody. Please don’t give in to thoughts like this. You had a good day Tuesday (or your “new good”) so it can and will happen again. I’m not meaning to over react here, but I’m sure I’m not your only follower concerned by this post. Your friend is coming today, right? So you have that to look forward to. And you have such a huge circle of family and friends who would be at your side in a second. Please know this and call them if you ever feel truly desperate. Let them talk you off the ledge so to speak. I’m hoping your words are just from fatigue & a rougher than usual day, but they are the most alarming words you’ve written. You do still have happy times (you’ve said so), and you must hold on to the hope of more. Like you said, it hasn’t even been 2 months, so your grief is still so fresh. Healing takes time. A lot of time. Give yourself (and your family) that time. Maybe you could call your therapist for help on the really hard days? So she can help you have a plan in place for coping with the hardest moments? To help you breathe your way through the desperate moments and focus on what you still have? (Namely the twins & Woody.) This is all said out of concern but no judgement! I watched a dear friend go through losing a child, and these things helped her. Like knowing she could call someone at 3AM if she needed to! And she turned to online support groups for a lot of help. She mentioned Compassionate Friends once, a group solely for grieving parents. She said there was almost always someone in a chat room if she needed to talk. Someone who had been there and could help. Maybe you could ask your therapist for ideas or just browse online yourself. Hopefully they can help you come up with a “plan” for the days the twins are back in school too. You could use that big heart of yours to volunteer & help others, or whatever feels right to you. My friend felt that, as a mother who had lost a child, she could help children who had lost parents. But you find whatever feels right for you. Even though you may feel it, you’re never alone. I care and hope you can find the strength to get through the hardest times & look forward to happy moments becoming happy days. It’ll never be the same, but it’ll never be all bad either with your precious twins & devoted husband. Please hang in there.

    Reply
  2. Cheska

     /  June 30, 2011

    I am so sorry that you had such a bad day. Please try to take comfort knowing that you are loved by so many, and are an inspiration to mothers everywhere. We care about you, Maya! So many of us wish we could take your pain away. So many of us wish we could bring Ronan back to you. So many of us have absolute no idea the true hell you are going through, and our hearts break for you! We are rooting for you and your beautiful family!!! You guys deserve happiness and sunshire and rainbows and dolphins and hummingbirds and most of all you guys deserve to have your precious Ronan back!!! You guys were jipped, robbed, screwed, hosed, and just plain f*cked!! So not fair. Soooo not fair. =(

    “This is my five string serenade
    Beneath the water I play
    And while I’m playing for you
    It could be raining there too

    And on my easel I drew
    While I was thinking of you
    And on the roof of my head
    In came my five string serenade”

    Reply
  3. charlotte

     /  June 30, 2011

    Maya,
    First, I lOVE the pic of your friend and Ronan! I am certain, from what u say abt her, she will provide some much needed laughter and good times and a little break! She has awesome timing!!
    Although I’ve never lost a child, a good friend did..abt 6 yrs ago. You said the phrase time heals all wounds is a just shit. My friend said the same and I couldn’t agree more!!!
    But, for what its worth, she has said recently that the wound may “heal” but it leaves a scar. And that scar is always there to remind her that her son is gone. She has learned, 6 yrs later, that she’s accepeted the scar and learned that it is a part of her new “normal”. Be easier on yourself..its only been a short time and you are doing the best you can!!
    Your little Quinn is taking on the man of the house role! He wants to love u enough to take the pain away..to fill that hole in your heart! Big job for a little guy!! They love u so much! Sometimes, too much,huh! :) I know u know this. I can’t imagine how hard it is to be mom when u just want to be alone and cry!!
    Ughh..I wish there was something “magical” to say to help! I know there isn’t!! Keep fighting..one step at a time.
    Enjoy some “therapy” from your friend! She seems like an awesome lady!!!
    Much love from Houston!
    Charlotte

    Reply
  4. Laura

     /  June 30, 2011

    Well you made it through the day, and today Miss Macy comes in town. Lots to be joyful for, now no pressure on you. Try to enjoy the weekend and have a relaxing time. Our thoughts and prayers are with your entire family.

    Reply
  5. Lea

     /  June 30, 2011

    Maya, my heart breaks for you. What scares me more is that there truly is s thing called “dying from a broken heart”……google it. My friend literally just lost her mom to this. No exlplained way of death….she just missed her husband, sat down on a curb, and died. Please take care of yourself, you have SO much to live for, family and friends need you, AND cancer, specificalle neuroblastoma, needs you to kick its ASS! Have fun today with one of your besties! Girlfriends are great medicine ….. soak up the laughter you two will create and allow yourself some time! Chin up sweet girl, you can do this! PS that’s our fav mexican food spot! We will surley be visiting too in late July!

    Reply
  6. Kendra

     /  June 30, 2011

    Your words make me so sad for you Maya… obviously anyone who hasn’t been in your shoes can’t possibly understand what you’re going through, but I’ve said from the day my son was born that if anything happened to him I know it would just kill me, literally. So honestly, no judgment here. None at all. But I will admit that your last words scared me. To hear you talk of leaving this place… reading it gave me a chill and I think a lot of readers are going to worry about you. I know that words are just words and you’re expressing what’s in your heart and I know you would never do anything that would mean hurting your boys or your husband. Just take care of yourself, please. You are always in my thoughts and I’m so sorry you had a tough day. I hope your visit from your friend will help lift your spirits and give you a much needed break. Stay strong.

    Reply
  7. Molly

     /  June 30, 2011

    Yes! I’ve lost someone close and that’s exactly how it feels! Like it’s getting worse! In the beginning there wasn’t as much time to miss him. Now it’s been so long since I’ve seen him, every day puts him so much farther away from us. I feel like it’s been 20 years since I’ve heard his voice! And it doesn’t get any better. Just different.

    Reply
  8. Kimmie

     /  June 30, 2011

    Maya Ive never meet you and Im sure never will, sadly…I pull myself to your blog every morning and rebreak my heart with you…but Im going to say this once…GIRL YOU BETTER FUCKING NOT!!!…you are way to strong to let FUCKING CANCER beat you, YOU still have a fight a huge fight, one that no one else can rage and girl your going to RAGE, rage again this muther fucker…Rage for Ronan and show that Mother Fucking Cunt Cancer that it messed with the wrong bitch…you channel all that and you show the world Maya is coming for you!! smooches feel like I need to go kick a puppy after all that fucking in that post or a cigarette :)

    Reply
  9. Maya

    There are no words.

    It may not seem like much now, but you’re ability to “be” in these moments, to feel and experience and hate them all is success. I have never lost someone like you have, so you can tell me to piss off, just now that I’ll still be here bearing witness to you, your pain and your Ronan. One of my favorite quotes in the world (and I’m just not one of those inspirational people) is from Winston Churchill “If you’re going through hell, keep going” which reminds me of your tattoo “this too shall pass”.

    We both know you’re not going to give in to these morbid thoughts. We also know you need to feel them and say them and rail against them. So rail, baby. Flail your arms, kick the sand, punch the walls, goodness spit on someone if you need to. Just don’t deny you’re feeing what you’re feeling.

    Enjoy Macy.

    Find solace in the faceless many who choose to bear witness to the life you’ve lived and are reclaiming.

    Marian

    Reply
  10. Jaime Harris

     /  June 30, 2011

    God bless you Maya. I pray you have a fun time with Macy! I love that picture of her and Ronan :) I pray for you every day. I hope today is better for you. I’m sorry for all the pain and struggle, it sucks! Hugs! xoxo

    Reply
  11. Glenda

     /  June 30, 2011

    Maya….

    My heart is so sad and aching for you…for what you are going through. You are young, beautiful, strong and a great mom to Quinn and Liam. They need you! Woody needs you too! You are his Rock. He is your Rock!

    Rockstar Ronan knows that the twins and Woody need you the most right now!

    Enjoy your time with Macy. Baby steps mama bear! Enjoy your run! Pound on that pavement step by step… beat it up! Go swimming…surfing… enjoy the sun…the beach and pool… Stay busy rockstar mama!!!

    You are stronger than you think… you can do this Maya! Rock on!!!

    Peace and Strength!!
    xo

    Reply
  12. Amy J

     /  June 30, 2011

    More worried for you than usual after this post. I hope all of our thoughts of you will be uplifting for you today.

    Reply
  13. Elizabeth Z

     /  June 30, 2011

    Baby Ronan please help mommy, I know you are with her at all times. I am sad you can’t be physically together, :'( so sorry. But please help her, we all need her feeling just a bit better. I know You, Quinn, Liam, Woody and all of us here want her to feel better, please help her and give her strength. We love you Maya <3

    Reply
  14. Katie R

     /  June 30, 2011

    Maya –

    I hope you know that even though you had a extra sad day (hell, I know everyday is sad without your Ronan) but please think of the few laughs and smiles you’ve had since Ronan left this world….they will come again. I’m a mother and I know your pain is deep…it’s become your new normal but there will be days when the pain is not so near. I think that the pain of losing Ronan will always be with you….I hate saying that but I think it will always be a part of your life but I also think you have a lot of happiness with your twins and Woody that are to be had!!
    Maya – I will continue to pray for you everyday! I will (along with your other fans) continue to raise awareness of childhood cancer and keep Ronan’s memory alive!! Without you, we cannot keep Ronan’s memory and his story ALIVE!!!!
    Also know that all of us (your fans) are not hear to judge you…if you have another day, another week, another month of feeling like you do in this post, we will all be here to read about it and continune to support you!!
    Keep posting!
    BIG GIANT LONG HUGS TO YOU!!!

    Reply
  15. tsutsin

     /  June 30, 2011

    So sad for you, and praying that you find peace.

    Reply
  16. Maria

     /  June 30, 2011

    Maya, First let me say that my heart aches for you after reading your latest post. I don’t have lots of time tonight but I could feel what your heart is going through regarding your thoughts about the fall when your twins go back to school. I have put a lot of thought into sending you my thoughts. Our family is friends with the Mortmans and my daughter babysat for Ryan, JT, and Kaitlyn when they lived in our area for a few years. I found out about Ronan through Kristy and we began our daily prayers for Ronan and your wonderful family. On one of your posts, you had a picture of your three kids…..and that is when this thought just popped into my head…almost like “someone” put it there for me to tell you. Unfortunately, Ronan could not be saved BUT…..maybe there is a child in foster care just waiting to be saved and you and your family could do that by either fostering the child/children or adopting them. You would be saving them from the system and giving them a family. I do not mean this as a replacement child……that is a horrible thought and nothing will ever do that. It would be your family being able to save a child that needs you. My intent to this post is not to upset you or cause any negativity. Maya, it’s just a thought.

    I spread the word to anyone and everyone that would listen to me to pray for Ronan and your family AND to raise awareness to his horrible disease. I will continue on my mission even if it only raises a little bit of awareness. I am hoping that the day comes soon that both you and your husband can believe that you did all that the medical world would allow you to do for Ronan. You are a wonderful family, you are a wonderful mom, and please know that my heart breaks for you. My girls are Meghan (27 today), Kaitlin (24-Mortmans babysitter), and Kevin (19). Our son Kevin had a very severe sports injury from playing college volleyball and shin splints turned into a fracture in each calf. When they took the casts off, he could not walk…DX of Early Neuropathic Syndrome of the Motor Function of his legs from the knee down. We did not know if he would ever walk again. Because of lots of meds, physical therapy, and endless appts. with Boston doctors, he started to walk about 2 weeks ago, slowly with crutches. Not sure if he will ever play sports again, but thank GOD that he is walking. Every time that he was experiencing so much pain in his legs, I thought of you rubbing Ronans legs. My heart broke for you…..and it created a bond with your blog that will forever be there.

    Please give my thought that “someone” sent to me some consideration……if not now….then somewhere in the future.

    Fondly,

    Maria

    Reply
  17. charlotte

     /  June 30, 2011

    This is to Ronan…I know you see all this so I wanted to send a note your way! Your momma needs you! She is hurting so much!! In your own special way, please give her a sign,something to give her strength. You know she is one hell of a lady!!! But losing you is breaking her heart! She has the power to make such an impact on that horrible cancer that stole you!! You two are still a team!! Send her your love.
    Praying for your momma!

    Reply
  18. Amy

     /  June 30, 2011

    Please don’t give up…..you have to kick NB’s ass!!!!! That will be your “job” , right?? praying praying praying for you.

    Reply
  19. Maureen

     /  June 30, 2011

    Praying for peace and strength.

    Reply
  20. Amy

     /  June 30, 2011

    You don’t know me, Maya, but I’ve been reading, praying and hoping against hope for the past few months. I don’t have anything earth shattering today, but this entry has compelled me to write something, anything.

    You can do this, you WILL do this for Ronan, for Quinn, Liam and Woody, and for all of the other sweet souls who are suffering now, and who will suffer in the future if a cure isn’t found. You will make a difference, Maya, and we’re all here to back you up with whatever you need.

    As I’m sure you’ve heard from many, your beautiful boy has touched my heart. My babies are 10, 7, and 3. I don’t sweat the small stuff anymore. A mess can be cleaned, ruined furniture replaced, someday I’ll miss stepping on matchbox cars that are often scattered about. There are so many things in any given day that used to be a pain in the ass, but not anymore. They are reminders to be thankful for my children. I thank you and Ronan for my new perspective.

    Keep on keeping on, Maya. You can do this! <3

    Reply
  21. Rockstar Minion

     /  June 30, 2011

    I can’t wait until the Ronan S. Thompson Foundation is synonymous with Susan G. Komen, you’re going to have PLENTY to do when the boys are in school.

    Reply
  22. Hugs and luv to you today Maya. Quinn is such a big “little man” He is in pain, not only becuz of Ro, he sees his momma in such pain and is trying his very best to help you heal. He doesn’t want to leave your side, he is afraid for you. Kids sense things that we adullts would never imagine have soaked in. Please Maya, Q & L are there for you, they too have a mission in life. See Ro in their eyes and see his spirit around you as a positive, so hard to do, You are their ROCKSTAR.
    My first born son died and it took me years to be able to talk about it with out crying and being depressed. All I ever wanted to be was a Mom. For the past 11 years my only living son has abandoned me emotionally and literally. This isn’t about me, it is about loss and pain that must be born and used for inspiration. Don’t alienate, grab on and hold on tight. You have Woody, Quinn and Liam to LIVE for, they too will spread the story of Ronan and step by step will work to see a cure. This will be Ro’s legacy……a fitting legacy for such a strong boy. Reach out, reach out Maya. We love you and want to absorb your pain so that you can go on. When you are here in Phx I am available to take the boys to give you a break. I would like to give back, pay it forward…….

    Reply
  23. MK

     /  July 1, 2011

    Maya – I know where you are coming from…wanting to die and be with your baby. I know that place. I know that feeling. It’s part of the healing process…to be mad as Hell and to just want to be with your baby. I didn’t find any comfort in my life or that those around me “needed” me. People reading this blog – please realize that Maya is sharing her stream of consciousness with us and that our responsibility is to read and support. Where Maya is right now is trapped in a house of pain.
    I will say that, about 3 months after my daughter died, I took a job that took me out of the home for a few hours of the day. (I owned my own business w/my husband at the time.) And, it really helped. Otherwise, I felt haunted by her memory every place I went…her room, her stuffed animals, her blankie…it was just overwhelming. I felt that I would die of a broken heart. And, yes, I do believe that can happen.
    Love will find a way toward a path of relief for you, Maya. Right now, every where you turn is a reminder of Ronan because every one you are with shares a similar history with him. You are surrounded by constant reminders of him. It’s like groundhog day…every day, your heart gets broken all over again.
    Just keep talking to him, Maya. Just like you already do. There’s something to be said for having your own angel in the sky.
    There will never be a fill to the void left by your little man. The “what ifs” will never stop. But, after time, your won’t be so raw from being torn apart every day. I know I am forever changed and there’s no escaping that.
    You are still grieving and all of these feeling are like a well bubbling over just looking to get out.

    Reply

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    I was just nominated for the ice challenge. Surely that involves gold glitter, right??? #ronan #fucancer #empiregogold #becauseachildslifeisworthmorethangold #gogold #kidsgetcancertoo @knjoy @kmacnyc @woodythompson75 @stacyfrakes Best live stream ever!!! Poppy agrees! #ronan #poppy #fucancer #1989 #soproud #cantwait #obsessedwiththevideo @taylorswift #Repost from @ronanfoundation 
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