Losing you is like somebody just turned all the lights off


Ronan. I had a bad day. A day where I didn’t get out of bed until 1 or so this afternoon. I am in a funk and I can’t seem to shake it. I cannot shake being in this condo, which as I told you before, is exactly like the one we stayed in when you were so little. Everywhere I turn, I expect you to come running into the room. I think about you 24 hours a day. Today, everywhere we went, I was reminded of you. I hope someday this makes me happy, but as of now, it only brings me to tears. We had a family day out today. Once I was able to get myself out of bed that is. I tried so hard to enjoy life today, but the screaming in my head kept me from doing so. I can put on a good enough show to fool your brothers though. Thank god I’m such an amazing actress.

We took your brothers for pizza and wound up at the movies and saw, “Kung Foo Panda 2,” together. Seeing a movie used to be one of my favorite things to do. Now, it is so hard for me to sit still and focus on a thing and I was so grateful when your daddy asked for a refill for our soda,  so I could be the one to get up and get it. Before all of this, it was always your daddy’s job to refill our pop for us. Just something silly that I would always insist on him doing. Now, I happily was the one to do this for him tonight. I was crawling out of my skin during that movie. At one point, I started to cry. I was sitting between your daddy and Quinn. Quinn was holding my hand and saw the tears. He just took my hand and kissed it. I kissed the top of his head and told him I loved him. The movie was actually really cute. I know you would have loved it. It was all about finding your inner peace to be the best you can be in life. What I wouldn’t give for that. I used to have total inner peace. It is so hard to finally achieve that in life and then to have it ripped away over circumstances that you have no control over. You were the creator of my inner peace. You completed it all. Will I now forever be tortured, destroyed, and half of a person?? Walking around so numb and in so much pain that I am just thankful to make it though another day without you just so I can go to sleep in hopes of seeing you. Because that is what my life is now. I am trying my best to find the joy in the beautiful things that surround me, but the world seems so ugly without you. It’s as if the blue sky has disappeared, the birds have stopped singing, and the sun has stopped shining. I am thinking I am becoming severely depressed as I’m so tired of this life without you.

We are not going to Washington this summer to see Nana and Papa. It’s the first time that I haven’t been home during the summer in 18 years. Washington summers, especially after I had you boys, has always been one of my favorite places in the world. And to think last year, when we were there, your little body was so invaded with cancer. And we had no idea. We had the BEST time, just soaking up nature and enjoying the simplicity that comes with being there. It has always been such a peaceful place for me but this year, the thought of going there is much too painful for me to process. I’m so sad about missing the time with your Nana and Papa Jim as having you boys there for the summer makes their entire year. I feel like I’ve let your brothers down as they have been asking to go. I told them maybe for Fall Break. I tried to explain why I can’t take them there, but I don’t think they truly understand. I suppose anywhere we go, is going to be painful. But for some reason the thought of going to Washington without you is something I am not ready for. To be in my old bedroom, from when I was a teenager, where we spent every year, for the past 3 years together, snuggled up in my old bed…… I just can’t do it as of now. I don’t have the strength and that whole inner peace thing that I am now lacking would eat me alive if I were there. I’m sad about it and you know how much I am going to miss the time with Nana and Papa Jim. It is the first summer of missing so many things. Most of all, you.

So, I started reading this book called, “Growing up in Heaven.” I’m about 60 pages into it and I am really trying to keep an open mind about it as well as the author, as he claims to be a Medium whom can bring to light the journey of children who have passed from earth to heaven. You know I am all for that Medium stuff and I was hoping this book would give me some peace of mind. The first chapter or so, I was really getting into it. I then made the mistake of Googling this James Van Praagh guy as I was convinced that I needed to seek him out, asap, so he could help me get to you. Bad idea. As soon as I got to this guys website, I was instantly turned off. There was NOTHING authentic about it. It’s all glitz and glamour…. and it felt fake and phony. But guess what? For the small price of 4 grand, I can take a cruise with this dude and he will do a reading for me! I think I said it best when I sent a text today and it said how I was reading this book and how I was about to call BULLSHIT on James Van Praagh and his exceptional gift for communicating with the dead. So, I’m guilty. I’m totally judging a book by it’s cover. I’m a skeptic. Not because I don’t believe in things like this, because I truly do think that there are many people who are blessed with extra spiritual gifts in this world. But this man is talking about how the child’s spirit just comes to him and he is able to see them plain as day. I wish I could say thank you to this man because according to him, you are up in heaven, where everything is white and colorful, riding a fucking Shetland pony, all while getting an education AND helping others. If he would have left shit like that out, I may have bought what this guy is selling. Some of what he says, seems to be spot on with what I believe in about a person’s soul…. but the other stuff just seems like smoke and mirrors to me. He sure does have the part down about the grieving parent role though. Although, it is not rocket science. No shit that I feel like I have lost my identity, that I am in a robotic state, that I am numb. And no shit that physical fitness is a wonderful way to deal with stages of grief because I HAD NO IDEA that exercise releases endorphins into the bloodstream! This guy  is a genius!!! Oh Ro….. I have no idea where this feistiness from me has come from tonight…. you must be hanging around, channeling it into me. I loved it when I would call you feisty and you would scream back to me, “I NOT SPICY!” Still makes me laugh on the inside all of the time. I miss your little voice and how you would call me, “Mama.” Never mommy or Mom. Always mama. I miss it so much.

Anyway, back to the book baby. I’m being awful about it. But I’m going to finish it and I hope that I do end up believing in this guy because I would love nothing more, besides the obvious like you coming back, than to think that you are up in heaven, playing with your pony, helping others, and that you are so happy and free. I would love for that to be the truth because if you cannot be here with me, that is exactly where I would want you to be. Except the pony thing is a little weird. I’d rather have you playing with Master Yoda and Captain Rex instead.

I’m tired tonight my sweet boy. I’m going to take my Ambien and go to sleep with your brother, Quinn, who is right next to me. I love you so much. To the moon and back, forever and ever. Just you and me. Sweet dreams my monkey. I hope you are safe. You are forever loved.

xoxo

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21 Comments

  1. Traci

     /  June 26, 2011

    Maya –
    I’m so sorry for you and your little Ro. I wish I had the right words to make you feel better. My heart aches for you and your family. I just hope that you slowly have more “Britney” days and that with each passing day you possibly find a little bit of happiness and joy again. I have a family member who’s son has neuroblastoma and is going through treatment as we speak. Your story is inspiring and heartbreaking. My family continues to follow you on your journey and we appreciate your honesty and openness. I think about you everyday and I always hope that each day gets a little better. Thank you again for sharing your story.

    Reply
  2. Jaime Harris

     /  June 26, 2011

    Love the picture of the 3 boys :( I laughed what you wrote about the book you’re reading :) I guess you can just take what you get out of it and forget all the hokey stuff. I read a book called “Heaven” by Randy Alcorn. Very authentic and helpful. I hope you will read it if you are ready or have time. I think it would be very beneficial for you. I read this quote about Heaven “Heaven is a permanent residence … a place where we unpack our bags and stay forever. … What a glorious thought to wake up in Heaven and realize it is home!—-C.L. Allen. I truely believe Ronan is there (sans the pony) :) I am praying for you Maya! And for your family , too. Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers through this hard, painful time! xoxo

    Reply
  3. ROBIN

     /  June 26, 2011

    ((hugs)) Maya. I hope you see your sweet Ronan in your dreams tonight. JVP was better 6-7 years ago…he did a reading for my friend Joanne who lost her 4 yr old daughter. She really felt at peace after the reading. However, lately he’s gone too “circus act”. I’ve heard good things about John Edwards.

    Reply
  4. Lea

     /  June 26, 2011

    Good morning Maya, I’m sorry you had a bad day. You’re fiestiness is a good thing, it means you’re ar least having emotions released. The whole Medium thing, there has to be someone good in Arizona to help you. I have a hard time with people who tend to be over the top in publishings, some things just seem too make believe, or glammed up for attention. I have a childhood friend who is Shirley McClaines personal assistant. I know she is big into Mediums and such, I could see if Brit has a recommendation for you as to who may help you,she may be able to recommend someone close to you now. Just let me know : ) hope your day is filled with sunshine and signs! ((Hugs)) from AZ.

    Reply
  5. Christi Rich

     /  June 26, 2011

    Maya, I read your post today and am filled with sadness for you. James Van Praagh is not the one to bring you the answers you seek. Check out John Edward. He is amazing at connecting us with loved ones who have passed. I’ve read all his books and have seen him in person. If anyone can connect you to Ronan then he can. He does not sugar coat anything. He has a website but google him to find out more about him. Keep hanging in, yes one day you will be less sad and ready to face the world. Prayers as always for you and your family.

    Reply
  6. Shlomit Robbins Gruber

     /  June 26, 2011

    Maya,

    I, too, checked out JVP after he was mentioned in comments here, and was a little skeptical. However, I used to watch John Edward on his show “Crossing Over” and I became a believer. He’s pretty incredible. My grandmother and I watched it often, as we were both the only 2 in the family who believed in this spiritual connection to those who have passed aka “afterlife.” He’ll be in Phoenix in March (and Vegas in December, I think)..

    http://www.johnedward.net/event/244/phoenix-az

    I really hope he can bring you some peace…just some knowledge that Ronan is at peace and safe, which should in turn give you some comfort, despite all of the pain and sadness that you are feeling.

    Shlomit

    Reply
  7. Glenda

     /  June 26, 2011

    Maya,

    I’m so sorry you had a bad day. I hope Rockstar Ro came to your sweet dreams.
    You made me smile “I NOT SPICY” awww…in his lil squeaky voice… breaks my heart.
    Thinking of you and Ronan.
    Hope today is a better day or an OK day for you.
    Enjoy the sun and the beach.
    xo
    peace and strength

    Reply
  8. Laura

     /  June 26, 2011

    Wishing you a better day. Our thoughs, prayers, and love go out to you and your entire family. May today hold only sunshine for you.

    Reply
  9. Leona

     /  June 26, 2011

    Ohhh, Maya! JVP gives me the “heeebie-Geeebies” Call me a skeptic too, I guess. I fullly believe in mediums & spiritual guidance, but, I don’t know why, I just feel he’s not the one for you.

    Love and hugs as always for you
    XOXO
    Leona

    Reply
  10. Dawn

     /  June 26, 2011

    I am with you on the medium stuff. I personally saw John Edward and found it positive when he was here at the celebrity theatre. I have also met Allison Dubois and it was a positive experience too. I loved her books and she seemed very geniune especially when it comes to our kids. There are a couple of books that I read on other mediums and they bothered me more than bringing me peace. It did open my mind up to some things I did not think about when it comes to death and heaven but still a bit weird.
    xoxoxo

    Reply
  11. MS

     /  June 26, 2011

    Sorry to hear that you are not going to make it home this summer because I know how much you and the boys enjoy it. You will know when the time is right … and we will be here for you when you are ready<3 Ronan's "I not spicy!" made my day:) XOXO

    Reply
  12. Porter Holden

     /  June 26, 2011

    Maya,

    I am at the beach and last nights sunset was so beautiful , I thought of Ronan’s eyes and wished you could have seen it. Please don’t give in to the sadness. I cant even imagine your pain, but try to look for sighns. God provides them all the time! I can’t explain it but I saw and felt Ronan’s love for you and yours for him in that sunset, it was a pretty unbelievable experience considering I have never met either of you. But I believe that love exists deep inside all of us and it can give you peace. Maybe not know but I promise it will in time. Always in my prayers!

    Reply
  13. Maureen

     /  June 26, 2011

    Prayers of strength and peace continue. I too wish more “Brittany” days.

    Reply
  14. Melanie Ramirez

     /  June 26, 2011

    Hello Maya:
    I wanted to let you know that James will be doing a workshop at our Chruch on the 25th of August. This may or may not be something that you are interested in after you get through the book… but I thought I would let you know. You can check out the info on this at Unity of Phoenix Church Web site. I would be more than happy to get you info you wanted as well. Just on FYI…. please fill free to me email me if you have any questions. I work at the church but in the children’s area, but can find out an info you might want to know. :)

    Reply
  15. Wendy Ledford

     /  June 26, 2011

    Dear sweet Maya,
    I have been thinking about you so often and keeping you and your family in my prayers as you are missing your precious Ronan. Today I was talking to my husband about you (as I often do) and unable to comprehend the feelings you must feel as you miss your baby boy Ronan…..and how you so often write how you wonder where he is now. I pray that someday God will give you His peace and understanding of exactly where he is now. My heart hurts for you, even though I have never met you.

    I hope you don’t mind if I recommend a book I am now reading called “Heaven is for Real.” It is written by a guy named Todd Burpo. My sister (who lost her daughter to neuroblastoma stage 4) highly recommended that I read this….as it really comforted her imagining my niece Alexa who we believe, is now in heaven too.

    I know you are already reading other books…but let me know if you ever decide to check this one out and let me know what ya think…if you want to. :)
    Sending you much love and prayers that God will comfort your broken heart.
    Wendy

    Reply
  16. kim

     /  June 26, 2011

    my heart breaks for you and your family maya. i can only assume that my words aren’t that helpful and comforting because i cannot comprehend the pain and saddness that you feel right now. but please know that you’re in my heart and head every single day and my only hope is that you will be rewarded with peace and happiness someday. i wish that day were yesterday. i’m sure it seems impossible to have either peace or happiness with out your ronan baby but i know its what he wants/hope for you too. time will be the test. i know that sucks because how much longer can you go on when you’re missing your heart, ronan so much? i wish i knew. but i truly believe you and your family will get through this together. i know its not much but try and look forward to all the little signs ro sends you. he’s there maya, checking up on you and sending you little signs to let you know that he’s safe and loves you to the moon and back. i’m rooting for you girl, everyday! xoxo

    Reply
  17. jen

     /  June 26, 2011

    Maya. I hope its ok 2 tell u how i feel. Lost my boy yrs ago & still feel like a giant fist is squeezing my heart. I didnt hold it 2gether well as u & im chronically depressd & hyperinsomniac. But when i read @ ronan back n jan i knew i wantd 2 follow his prog & itruly believd hed beat it. When chop sent u home i sobbed 4 hrs. When he died same. Maybe i dont have a right 2 care so much 4 ur son but i do. When he had good day or did something funny i felt joy n my broken heart. I prayd 4 him 6 times a day & so many others did 2 i dont understand why god took him. I would have gladly traded places with him if i couldve. I dont have a right 2 miss ronan but i do. I promise u this yr ill do all i can 2 make sure childhood cancer gets the attention it deserves. Ronan seemd so strong so young but so wise. I miss hearing his stories each day. He is truly special

    Reply
  18. Alana

     /  June 26, 2011

    Maya, I just have to say that I have a serious problem with mediums and other people who “cash in” on someone elses grief. I for one, if I had that gift they claim they have, would never take a dime to help someone and if I wrote a book about it every bit of the money would go to cancer research or some other charity…. just sayin… and that includes any so -called Christian who says they can help you with prayer, healing or whatever….if they ask for money, in my opinion they are greedy lying snakes. And besides, why would Ronan choose to talk through one of them instead of coming directly to you? If all this medium stuff were true, doesn’t it make more sense that the love Ronan had for his mama would be strong enough to make that happen?
    I do believe Ronan is in Heaven and I hope someday that you will have peace in knowing that he is happy. I don’t know what Heaven is like but I believe it’s a wonderful happy place and everyone who accepts Jesus will be there someday and when we arrive we will finally understand why all these heart wrenching horrible things were allowed to happen…and we will have happiness and joy and will be reunited with loved ones we’ve lost.
    Praying for you always….

    Reply
  19. Danielle

     /  June 28, 2011

    There is a book called “journey of souls”. When youre ready, I think you should read it.

    Reply
  20. I’ve always thought heaven is different for everyone and it’s whatever you want it to be. So if Ronan’s heaven is yoda and captain Rex than gosh that’s what it is. I know he’s safe. I hope you believe that momma. Love you.

    PS- do you have any idea how many complete strangers love and pray for you? That’s some fucking cool shit…to use your word ;)
    Xo

    Reply
  21. Toshia

     /  October 9, 2012

    I too recommend “Heaven is for Real” it is not about Todd Burpos experience but from his young son. There is one part of the book where Colton (the young child the book is about) describes meeting and seeing a bunch of little children in heaven.
    I know you will always worry about Ronan and his safety and maybe this book with piss you off, I hope though that hearing a childs account of heaven would bring you some peace and comfort. My heart aches for you and your family and I know nothing aside from having Ronan back will ever heal your heart, I just hope that maybe this will help. I apologize if I am over stepping any boundaries or if you feel like I am trying to make you believe as I do.
    I feel such an urge in my heart to try and help you find peace in any way I can. Please feel free to tell me to “Back the F up Bertha” I would completely understand and respect it. I feel like such a stalker because how you and your family are doing and I find myself getting mad at people who make bad decisions and throw their lives away. Don’t they know there are people out there fighting to live and they are just pissing their life away. Sorry rant over.

    Reply

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