The start of many firsts without you. A.K.A. Fucking firsts. Thanks, S:)


Ronan. I’m tired tonight. I have not been sleeping well and I know it is because I am missing you so much. I don’t really know what it feels like to be depressed, but I think that’s what I’m feeling lately. I’m still going out, doing things, but my heart is so heavy that I sometimes feel like it is just gone. I don’t even feel like my heart lives inside of me anymore. It’s too heavy to carry around and I feel like when you left, you took my heart with you. I’m so sad. My tears are endless. My hurt is unbearable. I miss you every second of the day. Life is so strange without you here. We all feel it and we don’t know what to do with it.

Today, I took your little surfing brothers to camp. They both did really well but it was a cold day for them out there. I let them pack up a little early as they were excited to play with Laura and Kasey who came to see us today with Cameron and Chase. They arrived just in time to watch your brothers catch some waves. We spent the entire day and night with them. It is always so comforting to me to be with them as you know how much they mean to our family. It was a little hard today though too. Mainly because of all the time we spent with them with you. You and Cameron are so close and age and when the two of you were together, I used to dream of you growing up, being best friends, maybe dating :), but being together forever. Childhood friends for the rest of your life the way I grew up with Laura and pretty much Kasey too. I met Laura in the 8th grade. We became best friends. She met Kasey when she was 15 and they started dating. My two favorite high school sweethearts and our families blend so well together. Watching your daddy and Kasey together…. well, to me there is almost nothing better. Being with Laura, with all of you crazy kids, running about has always been one of my favorite things  about life.  To know that now that will never happen again with you, makes me so sad.

Tonight, Laura and I were sitting by the pool watching Cameron and Quinn play. Two summers ago, that was you…. “Baby Danger,” jumping off of the edge of the pool, scaring Laura to death all while I sat back and watched you and laughed. To sit tonight and watch Quinn swim quietly with Cameron, was so hard. I sat and cried and Laura just rubbed my back. I told her I just miss you and she asked if the days ever get easier. I told her no. So far, they have not. I told Mr. Sparky Eyes tonight that I don’t think time heals all wounds, if anything they just become deeper. I will be scarred for life after losing you. But I’ve got to figure out how to wear these scars with pride and dignity because that’s how you would have wanted it. I’m trying not to push myself too much as I need to let the dust settle because you left me such a short time ago. I want you back so badly, that I would trade having just one more day with you, for my life. Ronan. I miss you so much. I don’t know what else to write tonight as I am just too sad. I got a very sweet “Dear Ronan,” letter from Melissa that I am going to share with you. It is beautiful, just like she is. Thanks, M. You are so true and genuine which is why I love you so.

Dear Ronan,
I keep thinking back to Saturday, May 7th, two days before you died.  You were lying in bed, your legs were emaciated and your mamma kept rubbing them.  Ro, you were in so much pain. I thought your mamma’s hands would fall off, she never stopped rubbing your legs and little upper thighs. I laid for so long on that bed with your mamma and rubbed her back because I wanted to help her so much.  I offered to take over and rub your legs but you would only allow her to help you. She never stopped.  Your mamma went so long without eating or sleeping that last week you were alive that it was amazing she could function.  I kept buying her coconut water.  I think that was the extent of her nutrition.
I am 42,000 feet high in the sky tonight heading to Rhode Island.  
I am flying on ” A Big Jet Plane ”  Ronan, and I feel a little sad.  I am thinking about the amazing summer Dante and Alessia will experience and how you won’t live a life.  You had such a short time on earth. You were robbed of time.  As my Dante says, ” Ronan was dealt a shitty deck of cards, ” a little inappropriate for an eight year old to say but it is the truth. Your parents raced against the clock.  Time always wins Ronan, time is so unfair. Time has no respect for age, love, or hope. 
I do believe every one of us is on earth for a purpose.  I do believe your purpose is to be the beautiful poster child for awareness and funding for neuroblastoma. A horrific purpose for a family.
Do you want to talk about ignorance?  When your mamma told me you were diagnosed I had to go home and goggle it.  I placed a P where the B is located in that awful word. In August your mamma told me you had cancer, a perfect stranger at that time, and I decided I would be friends with Maya Thompson. Why not?
I brought her a coffee one day and realized immediately that I got so much more out of the visit then I ever thought possible and loved her personality and determination.  Remember how you would throw me out of your hospital room at times when I would visit?  You were so feisty!  I hated leaving your mamma but she did not mind because you were happy.
I was having horrific nightmares after you died.  It all started the day your mamma showed me your ashes while in your home one afternoon.  I told her they scared me and could not believe they were in the kitchen.  The worst nightmare was about your mamma and I in Frys Supermarket.  She was running around screaming, “where is Ronan ?” We looked and looked but we could not find you anywhere and there was a clock on the wall showing us we were out of time to find you.  I then ran all the way to the ocean and when I got to the shore I found a body floating dead in the water and it was Alessia.  I would then awake and my heart would be racing and pounding. 
The dream must have derived from your mamma’s horrific and tear jerking blog, “Where’s Ronan ?”  I read that blog too many times.  I couldn’t help it because I could not believe I watched you drink a coke on Saturday and demand those Star Wars guys be placed in good and bad categories on your bed, then visited Sunday night and then you were gone forever…………
Well, I no longer have that nightmare thank goodness.  I think it is because I finally realized where you are, right in your mammas heart and soul. 
I’m sorry the prayers did not work, I am sorry that time won and I am sorry that your parents had to go through hell to make others realize all the good in their lives.  So many people are better for knowing your sad story.
I am so lucky that Dante, Alessia, Liam and Quinn all go to school together.  We are all going to be friends forever.  We were at your house the day they left for California. I was so happy to see the boys excitement about the trip. I promised your mom she would never be “one of those moms.”   You know, the useless ones that talk a lot but never make a difference.  Mamma and I are going to keep drinking our extra hot vanilla lattes and do a whole bunch of good work.  Your mom has a team.  I have never seen one person have so many amazing friends.  I have always thought it was a blessing to have a few close friends…but not your mom…she has multiple teams of friends.  Maya Thompson reminds me of a tornado, a good one. 
I can’t wait to see what she does once she is a feeling a little bit better.
By the way, my phone still twerps like a bird.  I loved how it would make you giggle.  Your adorable giggle will remain in my heart forever.  
Thank you Ronan.  Thank you for all your life lessons and making me a better person. 
Love,
Melissa 
I’m going to end this post tonight now. I am going to try to get to sleep at a decent hour as I can feel my body shutting down due to the lack of sleep and overdoing things. Ronan. I love you to the moon and back baby. I hope you are safe. Please don’t go too far away from me. I still worry about you so much. G’nite my sweet boy.
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16 Comments

  1. lori

     /  June 16, 2011

    My daughter was stopped in class today at camp and was asked
    Where she got her bracelet …… it was Teacher Terry.
    Your family is so loved.
    You are amazing, Ronan is magical.
    Lori

    Reply
  2. Glenda

     /  June 16, 2011

    Maya, good night. Sweet dreams! To the moon and back. Hope you dream with your beautiful blue eyed Rockstar. What a beautiful letter to Ronan from your friend.

    The other day I was at Target and saw a Paul Frank backpack and thought of Ro. He captured my heart and I think of him every day.

    Thinking of you. Sending you hugs. Peace and strength. Hope you can get a full night of rest. We don’t want your body to shut down.

    So glad you spend time with your friends. Baby steps mama bear!
    XO

    Reply
  3. kim

     /  June 16, 2011

    oh maya, i hope you’re able to get some sleep!! you inspire me every single day!! you’re amazing!! maybe one day our paths will cross and i can give you a big squeeze and tell you that in person! :)

    Reply
  4. MS

     /  June 16, 2011

    Maya- I think of you daily and my heart breaks for you. Melissa’s letter to Ronan was so touching and just reinforced the amount of support you have surrounding you. I wish for you to have days filled with genuine belly laughs and sweet smiles…..hoping every time I read your blog that you’ve had a better day, even if that just means you’ve eaten a little more or had a decent nights sleep. Love and hugs to you and your boys<3

    Reply
  5. unknown

     /  June 16, 2011

    I pray every day for God to heal your pain. I pray you get to a place where you can remember Ronan with out it hurting so much. I pray you get to that place the fastest and best way possible. I pray you get some sleep tonight and dream of your beautiful boy.

    Reply
  6. Jen

     /  June 16, 2011

    By e.e. cummings

    i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
    my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
    i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
    by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                          i fear
    no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
    no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
    and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
    and whatever a sun will always sing is you

    here is the deepest secret nobody knows
    (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
    and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
    higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
    and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

    i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

    <3 <3 <3

    Reply
  7. Tara Hurlburt

     /  June 17, 2011

    Maya,
    We wore orange Fedora hats to the lake today for Ronan. My five year old chose the color so it could be seen wherever Ronan is.
    Keep writing. Fuck the ones who are critical.
    Tara

    Reply
  8. Laura

     /  June 17, 2011

    Hope you had a great nights sleep. Hope the water and weather is warmer for the boys surf camp.as always your family is in our thoughts and prayers. Have a good day. All our love.

    Reply
  9. Amy

     /  June 17, 2011

    NOW, that was a post to get us all back on track & remember the real reason why we are here…….for celebration, hope, memories and The Thompson Team making us better people. Rock on!

    Reply
  10. Lea

     /  June 17, 2011

    Beautiful letter to a beautiful boy! Maya, the depths of grief are endless. You’re doing a great job allowing it all to flow through you. Time does heal all things, but it’s not on our time, it’s on time, period. Time is eternity, it goes on forever, and it may take your entire earthly life to heal, but that’s ok too. Your heart is going to change the world of cancer Maya, you’re destined to do great things! Hope Coronado brings you warmth and sunshine today! My kids love the glittering gold sand there!

    Reply
  11. Alana

     /  June 17, 2011

    Maya, I still read your blogs most every night and think of you and your family every day. I don’t comment often because I really don’t always know what to say. Today, I read something and realized that it is okay not to have something to say sometimes….
    This is what it said, “The primary reason we are sometimes at a loss for words is that we SHOULD be at a loss for words. We’re in over our heads and silence is out best option.”
    I think that is why some people give dumb advice and say dumb things…they don’t intend to be mean but they aren’t smart enough to know that they are in over their heads and should just stay silent.
    I do want to say though, I think that you writing and sharing your heart without holding back is some of the best therapy you can give yourself. I for one, am never offended or even overly concerned about anytthing you write because I know you are working through this in a very healthy way. And as far as that one person being concerned about Quinn or Liam reading your blogs one day….I think if they ever read them they will feel even more love and appreciation for their mom who has made it clear that THEY are her reason for fighting and facing each new day when it would be much easier to give up.

    Reply
  12. Maureen

     /  June 17, 2011

    The most amazing hummingbird appeared at the tomato plants in my yard on Wednesday. The first time I have ever seen one. Amazing! My prayers for peace continue for you and your family.

    Reply
  13. Jaime Harris

     /  June 17, 2011

    I was feeling so annoyed tonight by a bunch of things Maya and then as I read your blog, once again, I’m reminded to stop “whining” and count my blessings!!! You’re story and your perseverence are an inspiration. I think of you and pray for you every day!!! God bless…

    Reply
    • Desiree

       /  June 17, 2011

      I too was feeling really irritable and annoyed this afternoon… And as I was just closing the pantry door, something caught my eye and reminded ME to shape up and remember to count my blessings EVERY day and EVERY moment…. You know those bags you get from Subway, that the kids meals come in? They always have something on them, whatever the theme may be at the time…. I have a ton of these, as I can’t seem to throw them away b/c they’re meant to NOT throw away! Anyway, the one on the very top says “Hot Lava” – and in an instant my mood shifted and I thought of you and your family, like I do EVERY day when something like this catches my attention and reminds me that I have NO room for annoyance or irritability over anything, especially with my kids. Thank you Maya, for your continuous writing. I read every night, or every morning, to see how you are doing, and to keep you in my daily thoughts & prayers. You are amazing. You and Ronan are already changing the world!

      Reply
  14. Starlene DeBord

     /  June 18, 2011

    Maya,

    My heart breaks everytime I read your blog! The rollercoaster of emotions you are going through! Thankfully you are surrounded by your family and wonderful friends! The Priest at my mother’s funeral said “When a loved one dies part of you dies with them!” I truely belive this with all my heart! It is us that are left behind to pick up the pieces and try to continue on this journey of life the best we can and try to make our loved ones happy and proud of us! For we know that they would only want the best for us!! My heart goes out to the twins..for them to have to try to understand what has just happened and why? No one has the answer and that just stinks!!! It sounds like they are doing so well and you having them in surf camp and them just living a funfilled summer! How VERY LUCKY they are to have such an amazingly strong, loving mother as yourself! I also believe the realationship between you and your husband is truely awesome! If all of you can make it through what has just happened…you have found the true meaning of life…FAMILY!!! Where would we be without them?!?!?! I wish you a beautiful day and treasure all of your memmories you are creating! I know you will! Sending hugs and thoughts to all of you!

    Starlene DeBord
    sdebord9763@wowway.com

    Reply
  15. Amy M

     /  December 9, 2011

    Dear Maya,
    I am a friend of Heather’s from long ago and have been following you and your loves through this blog. Thank you for all the honesty and for reminding me of how important all of life is–the good, the bad, the ugly, the beyond ugly, the annoying, the frustrating, the little things, the beautiful, the . . . . While my journey has been nothing like yours, I have been intimately touched by cancer. I was diagnosed with advanced stage 3 cancer when our youngest was just 2 months old. I faced the real possibility of leaving my 3 kids with no mommy. That was 2 1/2 years ago now and I am fortunate to be able to say that their mommy is still here and doing well. Time “after cancer” (which isn’t even a true statement because cancer will never again be something that is gone from our life) has most definitely given me new perspective. This picture and quote really spoke to me and summed up how I feel now. I don’t have the same fears or concerns or worries as I once did. My fears are big ones, not petty ones anymore. I hope you don’t mind that I am “stealing” this and using it for myself. Know that I think of you often and send positive energy to the universe for you, to Ronan, to your loved ones & to all who love your littlest boy.

    Amy

    Reply

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