Just you and me


Ronan. Just another day without you. I wish I could tell you that I am o.k. But, I’m not. I’m just sad. I’m swimming in a sea of sadness and am barely staying afloat. This morning, I took your brothers to surf camp. I sat and watched them for the 3 hours and pushed them as they both complained about the ocean being too cold, etc….. I was the mean mommy that told them to suck it up. My tolerance for their complaining today was at an all time low. At one point, Quinn came in and didn’t want to go back into the ocean. He wanted to stop surfing for the day. I brought up you and how hard you fought for every second of your life. I talked to him about life and how important it is to not give up and to keep fighting. I told him how you would give anything to be living still and if you were having a hard time at something, that you would have never have given up. But life is not fair and now you don’t get to run around, never taking no for an answer, all while pushing every limit, every boundary that came your way. You were just born different from most people, Ronan. Your daddy and I say it all the time. You had a fire and such strength in your soul. That’s  why we were so convinced that you would beat your stupid fucking cancer. I’ve never met a boy stronger than you and I still can’t believe that everything ended so quickly.

After my “get your ass back into the water,” pep talk….. but in a much nicer way, Quinn finished up his class. I don’t know if I’m pushing too hard, but that’s just the way it goes. Your brothers need to learn a little something about fighting to become the best people they can be. To appreciate everything that they are able to do. To never take a second of life for granted. I have no tolerance for whining and complaining anymore. I know what it’s like to watch a little boy go through treatments for cancer and how you never once complained about anything. Except for missing your brothers and just wanting to be home. Complaining about things in our life now just won’t exist anymore, unless it has to do with missing you. That’s the only thing any of us should every complain about. Anything else can be fixed, problem solved, or worked through.

After the boys’ surf lesson, we hit up the hot tub and than came up for lunch. Liam crashed out for a nap, Quinn rested as well and I took my surfboard and headed out for a couple of hours. It was cold, but I welcomed the angry ocean with open arms today. It felt good to be out there and I got tossed around a bit. Coronado is a great place to learn how to surf and the quiet time out in the ocean, when I paddled past the waves to think about you, was nice. After I surfed, I came back up to the condo and hung out with your daddy and brothers. Later in the evening, we went out to our usual spot so your daddy could cook up our dinner. There were a bunch of dolphins out in the water this evening. We spotted about 5 or 6. They were so beautiful and I of  course thought of you. I was than overcome with anger and thought to myself that it was bullshit that a sign from you, had to come in the form of a dolphin. I don’t want any signs…. I just want you. Back with us, the way things should be. I tried to be happy about seeing those dolphins tonight, but it only made me sad and miss you more. You did leave me a lot of signs today, which I am thankful for. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, Ro. I love all your little signs, but it doesn’t make me miss you any less. Sometimes it hurts more.

After dinner, we came back up to the condo and although it was late…. 9:30, I headed out for my run. (sorry Mr. Sparky Eyes) I promised him I wouldn’t run late at night anymore, due to an encounter I had with some creepy man a few nights ago; but I had to go tonight. It’s the restlessness in me that never goes away. I ran 7 miles…. all the way over to the Coronado Bridge and back. It felt good, it hurt, and I of course thought about you a lot. Sometimes, when I am thinking about you, it hurts so bad that I cannot even cry. I was thinking about being at The Ryan House with you and I felt like I was going to stop breathing as I still can’t come to the realization that you are gone. I think I have Post-traumatic stress disorder. For real.

Post-traumatic stress disorder

Post-traumatic stress disorder is a type of anxiety disorder. It can occur after you’ve seen or experienced a traumatic event that involved the threat of injury or death.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may occur soon after a major trauma, or it can be delayed for more than 6 months after the event. When it occurs soon after the trauma, it usually gets better after 3 months. However, some people have a longer-term form of PTSD, which can last for many years.

PTSD can occur at any age and can follow a natural disaster such as a flood or fire, or events such as war, a prison stay, assault, domestic abuse, or rape. The terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, in the United States may have caused PTSD in some people who were involved, in people who saw the disaster, and in people who lost relatives and friends. These kinds of events can produce stress in anyone, but not everyone develops PTSD.

The cause of PTSD is unknown, but psychological, genetic, physical, and social factors are involved. PTSD changes the body’s response to stress. It affects the stress hormones and chemicals that carry information between the nerves (neurotransmitters). Having been exposed to trauma in the past may increase the risk of PTSD.

Having good social support helps to protect against PTSD. In studies of Vietnam veterans, those with strong support systems were less likely to get PTSD than those without social support.

People with PTSD re-experience the event again and again in at least one of several ways. They may have frightening dreams and memories of the event, feel as though they are going through the experience again (flashbacks), or become upset during anniversaries of the event.

Symptoms

People with PTSD re-experience the event again and again in at least one of several ways. They may have frightening dreams and memories of the event, feel as though they are going through the experience again (flashbacks), or become upset during anniversaries of the event.

Symptoms of PTSD fall into three main categories:

1. Repeated “reliving” of the event, which disturbs day-to-day activity

  • Flashback episodes, where the event seems to be happening again and again
  • Recurrent distressing memories of the event
  • Repeated dreams of the event
  • Physical reactions to situations that remind you of the traumatic event

2. Avoidance

  • Emotional “numbing,” or feeling as though you don’t care about anything
  • Feelings of detachment
  • Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma
  • Lack of interest in normal activities
  • Less expression of moods
  • Staying away from places, people, or objects that remind you of the event
  • Sense of having no future

3. Arousal

  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Exaggerated response to things that startle you
  • Excess awareness (hypervigilance)
  • Irritability or outbursts of anger
  • Sleeping difficulties

You also might feel a sense of guilt about the event (including “survivor guilt”), and the following symptoms, which are typical ofanxiety, stress, and tension:

  • Agitation, or excitability
  • Dizziness
  • Fainting
  • Feeling your heart beat in your chest (palpitations)
  • Fever
  • Headache
  • PalenessYup. That pretty much sums me up. Except for the paleness, but that is only due to the sunny Cali weather:)

I thought about the lecture I was going to get from Mr. Sparkly Eyes about running so late at night and thought about how I would tell him that I was sorry; but fear is a word that doesn’t exist in my vocabulary anymore. I have already lived through the thing I was most scared of in my life. So now what? What else do I have to fear? Nothing. Of course, I worry about your brothers and Daddy, but when it comes to me… I just don’t give a fuck. I’m not going to live my life being scared of anything anymore because I know whatever else is thrown my way, will be nothing compared to losing you. So , I will run my runs when I want, say the things I feel, swim in the ocean at night, and not be scared. It’s actually very freeing and liberating. To live a life of not being scared of things is how all people should live, otherwise what’s the point? Before all of this, I don’t know if I would have ever taken up surfing, because I was scared of sharks. And forget about running the dark. I used to make up things in my head to be scared of. Well, I’m done with that. At 33 years old, after losing you, I’m done with fear. I’m going to live my life the way you would have lived yours. Head on, embracing every adventure and pushing the limits for the most beautiful outcomes. I will live my life this way for you, because I know as an adult, this is the way you would have grown up to be. Life would have been scared of you.

I came home to your daddy and brothers watching a movie and soon Quinn was ready for bed. We came into our room and as soon as we turned on the T.V. guess what was on, Ro. “Zombieland.” One of our very favorite movies that we used to watch all the time. That’s where you got the saying, “Just you and me,” from. Another one of your little signs. That was one of our favorite things to do in the hospital was watch that movie on your iPad. Quinn watched it for the first time tonight and laughed a lot. It’s a little mature for him, but he has had so much of his innocence taken away that I let him watch it anyway. We cuddled up and watched it together. I held him extra tight for you.

We say goodnight to you every night. Do you hear us?? I hope you do. I’m going to say goodnight now baby. We have an early camp tomorrow again, hoping those brothers will pick up a little more passion and zest for the opportunities that they are given. I just want them to be thankful for being on this earth everyday, with 2 parents who are so broken, but are somehow managing to make this summer as good as it can possibly be. It’s a lot of work, but as a family, we have to do this. For all of us. I know it is what you would want.

I love you little man. I love you to the moon and back. As I was running tonight, I stopped and blew a kiss up to the moon and said, “I love you, Ronan.” I hope you heard me. Life is so precious and I know it doesn’t’ seem like it now, but I am not going to let it swallow me whole. I promise I will start living it again when I am ready. But ready is not now, and I don’t know when it will ever be. I need more time to pass between your death. I still cry all the time, but mostly over being with you that final night and saying goodbye to you. I still tell myself it just can’t be true. You were true and all I wanted was you. Forever. What am I supposed to do without you my little bug?? As of now, I don’t want to do anything except survive and not totally fuck up your brothers with the crazy shit that goes though my head. All I can do is be present for them and do the little things for them that I know mean so much. I will deal with them first, and myself later. I can wait. The damage done to them cannot be undone, which is why when we get back to AZ, therapy will become a big part of our lives. I have to be proactive about this and it is something we are going to have to do as a family, together.

I also forgot to tell you a funny story from last night. I took Quinn to dinner, on a date. We had finished up and we were walking out of the restaurant and there was a family of 5 sitting on the bench and standing up, smoking. I was holding on to Quinn’s had and I looked at them, straight in the eyes, and said, “Smoking causes cancer,” and kept walking. I thought Quinn was going to fall over. It’s like I have no censor anymore and he wanted to know if we were going to get into trouble for saying that. I said for what, “For speaking the truth? Ronan got cancer because he didn’t have a choice.” The fact that people in this day and age, take it upon themselves to smoke, knowing what the risks are, pisses me off. I’m sensitive to this, especially now. I wanted to say, “You should get cancer, not my 4-year-old child who didn’t do a thing wrong in this world.” You make the choice to suck on those freaking cancer sticks, then suffer the consequences. My child had to suffer for not a god damn reason at all except for bad luck. If anyone deserved to live, it was you baby. I will never stop thinking that. This whole things turned out so unbelievably wrong. For everyone involved. Everyone misses you Ronan. Even though you are gone, you are still changing lives. I promise you, a cure for this will be found before I die. I know I made you a lot of promises, but I promise to keep this one. I owe it to you and all the other little babies out there. Give me some time. Some time to mourn you, but when I feel ready….watch out cancer world. You’ve fucked with the wrong mommy and baby team. You are going to be sorry, but it will never be sorry enough for having to lose you over Ro. I will be sorry about that everyday for the rest of my life. Your fire now burns in my soul, you live with me, in my body. I know you may go away now and again, but when you want to come home, I know this is where your soul rests. I feel you all the time.

This is all for tonight my little monkey man. I love you to the moon and back a million times over. Just you and me, baby:) Sweet dreams. Go and visit some of your favorite people. Nighty Night baby boy.

xoxo

“Take away a man’s son. You’ve truly given him nothing left to lose.” Quote from Zombieland

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37 Comments

  1. Hisham

     /  June 15, 2011

    Maya -

    After reading your latest post, I’m not really sure what to write. I have a lot of feelings over what you have written. Of course, I am tremendously sad and feel angry that you and your family have experienced such a tragic loss. However, I am beginning to feel a little worried about how you are doing.

    In your post, you bring up the possibility that you might have PTSD. And while I am not a doctor or psychologist, I think that it is very possible that you are experiencing some effects of PTSD. However, among the symptoms of PTSD that you listed in your post, one that I believe you missed was self-destructive behavior.

    As you might have guessed by now, I believe I am sharing some of the same concerns that your friend Mr Sparkly Eyes has expressed to you. Now please don’t mistake me – I am not trying to get you to stop your nightly runs specifically. Taken in isolation, your runs don’t cause me much alarm. However, taking it all together (your runs, swims, and your ideas about fear in general), I am a little concerned by the tone of your comments.

    Please take care of yourself – you have so many people who love and care about you. I know your heart is broken into a million pieces – still, please try to find and keep hope alive wherever you can find it (even if it’s only the idea of hope). You have written that you don’t think that Ronan wants to see you just yet, and I think you are right.

    I am glad you continue to post to this blog. Keep writing and working through everything, and I promise to keep reading and posting comments. And you should have my email address if you ever need anything directly from me – I invite you not to hesitate and I promise to help you however I can.

    Reply
  2. Christina

     /  June 15, 2011

    I heard this song and thought of you…..

    Talking To The Moon Lyrics
    Bruno Mars

    I know you’re somewhere out there
    Somewhere far away
    I want you back
    I want you back
    My neighbors think
    I’m crazy
    But they don’t understand
    You’re all I have
    You’re all I have

    Chorus:

    At night when the stars
    light up my room
    I sit by myself

    Talking to the Moon
    Trying to get to You
    In hopes you’re on
    the other side
    Talking to me too
    Or am I a fool
    who sits alone
    Talking to the moon

    I’m feeling like I’m famous
    The talk of the town
    They say
    I’ve gone mad
    Yeah
    I’ve gone mad
    But they don’t know
    what I know

    Cause when the
    sun goes down
    someone’s talking back
    Yeah
    They’re talking back

    At night when the stars
    light up my room
    I sit by myself
    Talking to the Moon
    Trying to get to You
    In hopes you’re on
    the other side
    Talking to me too
    Or am I a fool
    who sits alone
    Talking to the moon

    Ahh Ahh,
    Ahh Ahh,

    Do you ever hear me calling?
    Cause every night
    I’m talking to the moon
    Still trying to get to you

    In hopes you’re on
    the other side
    Talking to me too
    Or am I a fool
    who sits alone
    Talking to the moon

    I know you’re somewhere out there
    Somewhere far away

    Reply
  3. Jaime Harris

     /  June 15, 2011

    I’m so sorry for all the pain you feel, i cannot imagine what ur going thru! it sucks and doesn’t seem fair, it’s so troubling to try to understand “why”. please know i pray for you and your family daily and hope with time, things will get somewhat easier and a little less painful. i think of you often.

    Reply
  4. KT

     /  June 15, 2011

    Uggghh!!!! I wish I could give you a big hug.
    I don’t know what else to say but I’m so sorry!!!
    My heart continues to hurt for you.

    You are doing the best you can right now.
    I think you are doing an amazing job. I know
    you just want to lock yourself in the bedroom
    and stay there all day. Keep doing all of the
    things that feel right to you. Surfing,running,
    swimming in the ocean. We will all be there
    fighting with you every step of the way!!

    Lots of love!!!!!! xoxoxo

    Reply
  5. Brandie

     /  June 15, 2011

    Maya,
    I started reading your blog 24 days ago. After I read a post that someone had posted on their facebook page I went back to the very beginning of your journey and read the whole blog from your first post. I was up for hours that night reading and crying and then reading and crying some more. You and Ronan changed my life that night. Now on to what I was going to say in the first place. I have to admit that I was a smoker. I am not proud of it and have wanted to quit for some time but could never manage to follow through. I quit cold turkey that night and have have not touched a cigarette since. And I promise that I will never smoke again. My friends and family ask all of the time how I did it? Did you use the patch? The gum? I am so proud to tell them that I have done this without any help except for a little boy named Ronan Sean Thompson. I tell them his story and ask for them to read your blog and help me support childhood cancer by passing on the word to everyone they know and spread awareness of this horrible disease. I agree whole heartedly that Ronan did not have a choice in this matter and I am so mad at myself that I did this knowingly for so long. What a fool I was. Ronan has changed my life. In fact… he just might have saved it.

    Brandie

    Reply
  6. Melanie Ramirez

     /  June 15, 2011

    Oh Maya…
    I have been wanting to write to you for a very long time, but it never felt like the right timing… Today feels right….
    I Think of you everyday and hope, wish and pray that you will soon get some relief. Every post you make I cry and can feel pain in my heart. I get up every morning and read your latest post. I start my days filled with complete sadness thinking of you and little “Ro” (as you as loving call him) This fucking sucks!!!!!!! I go to bed at night and think about you. WOndering if today was any better for you (hoping) that it was. I lost my day to cancer two years ago. It was a very slow and painful death… When he pasted everybody would say to me “well at least he is not in pain anymore” Are you fucking kinding me…. pain is managable… Death is not!!! Death is Final. Now he is just gone, and I have to manage the fucking pain that comes with that. While this is a parent I can only guess what it is like to lose a child. The baby that you carried and birthed. Something that is a total part of you. One of my friends was posting your stuff on facebook for a long time…. I knew what it was about and I couldn’t get myself to read it. ( cancer fucked up my life, and I’m was just getting back on track) Finally I clicked on your link and it was the post of the day that Ro had past….. I cryed my fucking eyes out! For days! I went back and read all of the post from day 1 and on. I would be up until 1 am reading them, praying and hoping that he made it even though I knew the out come. The day of the balloon release, my daughter and I (Isabella she is 9) bought purple balloons and did the release. I talked to her for a long time about why we were doing this and who you and Ro where. You and Ro have changed our lives. I work at a church in the children’s area. I have about 250 kids on sunday and do camps over the summer, kids are my life. Because I work on sundays I get Fridays off…. when school is back in I would love to know if there is anyway I can help you in the fight to fuck cancer up!!!! I’m also looking into volunteering at Phoenix’s Childrens. Yikes! That will be a big one for me, but Ro has given me the courage to push through the pain that cnacer has caused my life and reach out to others! Maya my wish for you today is to be gentle on yourself! I’m not going to give you some bullshit line like… time heals the heart or everyday gets easier… who the fuck made those things up. So I leave you with just be gentle on yourself! <3

    Reply
  7. Meghan M

     /  June 15, 2011

    Hey momma, I was listening to Rhapsody as I read your blog this morning and the song “The World Spins Madly On” by The Weepies came on. I know you are feeling lost and angry that the world hasn’t stopped since yours did a few weeks ago. Just a little sign from Ro baby… You are love

    Reply
  8. Laura

     /  June 15, 2011

    Our love and thoughts to your entire beautiful family. Wow your post was powerful in so many ways. I hope you have a good day, and you will know what is best for you and your family, I’m thankful you all are so together on everything. I hope the water is warmer for the boys and that the sun is shining on them. Love to you all.

    Reply
  9. JS

     /  June 15, 2011

    Maya, i’ve been reading your blog for a while but never knew what to say to you. please know i ache for you & your family as you struggle with this unfathomable loss. i am so sorry for all of you. no parent should have to feel what you feel. but i agree with the first comment completely – your actions are very worrying. you say you have nothing to fear now after losing Ro, but that’s not true. you could lose your life, and it’s scary that you don’t seem to care. and while you may fear nothing, your family does. your twins have already lost their baby brother – how would they ever deal with losing their beloved mommy?? how would Woody ever deal with losing his wife?? please try to imagine if you were in their place – what if Woody were being reckless? what would you do if you were to lose him now because he didn’t take care of himself?

    please know i say all the following because I CARE! you and your family need some intensive grief therapy, and you need it NOW. waiting until summer is over is irresponsible for your other two boys. Liam & Quinn need help right now, far more than they need a summer at the beach. or at least combine the two – find a grief counselor there at the beach or take them home and get them into therapy there. just do it NOW. and you and Woody need it too. once a week phone calls with a regular therapist won’t cut it. if you really have ptsd (and i think you do), intensive behavior modification therapy is required. possibly medication too, but it’s secondary to the “b.mod” therapy. i do know this for a fact as both a psychologist & more importantly, as a person who also has severe ptsd. my ptsd is from multiple traumas, including several deaths of people integral to my own existence. i know the pain of loss & the pit of despair that is grief & ptsd. you can’t handle it alone. NO ONE CAN.

    you also must stop telling grieving, scared LITTLE BOYS that you won’t allow them to feel or express fear. yes, your Ronan was unbelievably brave and i know how proud you are of him. but you can’t keep holding that over their heads. they aren’t Ronan! you can’t make them be Ronan either. they are Liam and Quinn, and it is 100% natural and normal for them to get scared. please, for their sakes, stop telling them otherwise. they already had to watch their brother get sick and die, and i think they’ve handled it very bravely. but it inevitably traumatized them and yes, SCARED them. fear is a very normal part of grief, and a very normal part of life for both children and adults. constantly telling them fear is unacceptable in your family now because Ronan didn’t show any when he was sick is cruel to these boys that you love so very much. you are traumatizing them further by making them feel weak and infinitely inferior to Ronan. again, they are Liam and Quinn. they are not Ronan, and they can never be him or take his place. they can only be themselves. they are wonderful little boys who need their mommy to hold them and comfort them when they get scared, not to be told they’re wrong for being afraid. they may even be more afraid of injuries or illness (or even the possibility of it, like when they’re surfing, or even when they fall & scrape a knee) because they saw their brother die from an illness. they may be afraid that something minor might kill them too! it’s a very common fear for children who’ve had a sibling die. their fears increase, and yet you’re telling them they should have no fear! grief counseling would have taught you how wrong and traumatizing this is for them. get them and yourself and Woody into both family & individual grief counseling NOW before those boys are emotionally scarred for life from *their* grief and the guilt you put on them by making them feel weak and inferior to Ronan. you make it sound very clear that Ronan was your favorite child, and Liam and Quinn are being forced to live in his shadow. i dread the day they read your blog for themselves, because as much as you do love them – and it is clear you love them dearly – you state flat out that Ronan was your soulmate, your best friend, your partner in crime, your *everything*. how can Liam and Quinn ever expect to compete with that?? i know you would never make them feel bad on purpose, but your own grief is seriously clouding your judgment. GET HELP NOW, for all four of you.

    those boys need to learn how to grieve and to know that whatever they’re feeling, especially fear of the unknown, is normal. they also need to know that they are perfect and they are more than enough for you, for Woody, and for this world as Liam and Quinn – that they do not, should not, & cannot take Ronan’s place or be like him. and of course Ronan was amazing, but even if you don’t want to admit it to yourself now that he’s gone, he did feel *some* very normal fear as you expressed in early blog posts while undergoing certain treatments. he was indeed far braver than most children or even adults, but his stoicism shouldn’t be the standard you hold Liam and Quinn to – because they’ll always feel like they fall short, like they’re disappointing you and Woody and even Ronan. that’s not fair to them. you love them so much that you have to know that. let them be the children they are, with all the fears and tears that brings. then you comfort them and help them cope and move forward – you don’t scold them or tell them their very normal feelings are wrong.

    just like i know you’re pissed at me for telling you all this, you need to know they feel bad/guilty when you tell them they aren’t feeling the right thing. you don’t want anyone telling you what to feel, do you? it’s a two-way street. be pissed with me, i don’t care. i just want you to get these boys you love so much the help they need. and i want you and Woody to get the help you need too. not because i’m a bitch as i imagine you’re calling me (go ahead, i don’t care), but because i know grief and ptsd inside and out. i know what support children need and what words they don’t ever need to hear. they know they’re not Ronan – now you need to accept this too. otherwise they’ll have even more emotional scars for the rest of their lives than they already do from losing Ronan – by feeling like failures that they can’t do things as well as he did or ever satisfy you the way he did. they must learn that being Liam and Quinn is enough, that they are amazing, and that they are human and therefore fallible, that mistakes and fear are part of life and are ok, as long as they keep moving forward.

    and while it’s healthy to talk to them about Ronan and ask them what they think he’s doing in heaven or what he’d be doing if he was with you all, don’t always bring him up. don’t constantly remind them he is missing because they know. children are resilient if you let them be, but not if they are always made to wonder how different you wish everything was. that will only make them feel insignificant. tell them Ronan will always love them and he will always feel their love, but DO NOT tell them Ronan is always watching them. that makes children feel so self-conscious, like any mistake they make will let their brother down. being told you are being watched 24/7 from heaven is a big burden for a child. it’s too big a burden. tell them Ronan will always share in their love and will be part of any special moments they want him to be there for – that Ronan will share in their joy and triumphs when they want him to, but that he’s far too busy in heaven to watch them all the time. i’ve seen children traumatized when well-meaning parents told them their deceased loved one “is always watching them” – they think their mistakes and private moments are all being scrutinized from heaven, and they become paranoid and scared.

    please Maya, stop doing dangerous things that risk taking you away from Woody and your precious twins. and get all four of you into grief counseling ASAP – it absolutely cannot wait until summer vacation is over. those boys need that help and guidance now, as do you and Woody. the longer you wait, the harder it will be for anyone to find real healing. and as much as you love each other, that outside party whose heart isn’t broken is a must in guiding you all through this. you will always miss your beautiful baby boy, but you can learn to breathe again… to get some semblance of healing. there’s no magic cure for grief – if only! but time and intensive grief counseling do help. please get that help soon. i’m so very worried about you all. hate me, call me names, tell me anything that makes you feel better – as long as you know that my words come from the purest of places, from my heart that aches for your own broken hearts and wants desperately to see you all get help. you can only carry on Ronan’s legacy if you’re here, safe and sound. please – do it for Liam and Quinn if not for yourself. and do it for Ronan – he wants you all to carry on living and loving. if anyone can do it, it’s you and your family. good luck to you all on your journey. namaste.

    Reply
    • Laura in El Paso

       /  June 16, 2011

      JS,
      after reading your comment I wonder if you and I are even reading the same blog. Granted, I am not an expert as you claim to be, but I just don’t see what you are so worried about. Maya is doing an amazing job considering what she has been through, and her “no fear” attitude is a result of losing her son and realizing that most of the bullshit in life is just that, bullshit. In fact, Maya is doing a better job as a wife and mother than many women who have not been through losing a child, like the drunk in the middle of the day mom that she wrote about a few days ago. we all know there are lots of very irresponsible parents out there, Maya is not one of them.

      Maya does not give me the impression that she’s on the edge, that she’s suicidal, or that any of her behavior is really reckless. She is running at night and surfing. Big deal! I don’t think you need to call in the white jackets over that. I also don’t think you have any right to tell her who is her favorite child, who she loves the most, what she can say to her children about their brother, or what she should say to her children at all. Your insensitivity and judgement in that regard make me wonder if you really are an expert because a real mental health professional would never attempt to diagnose or give advice to someone without ever meeting them or talking with them in depth. I also am shocked that you would suggest Maya needs medication based on what you have read in a blog! I would suggest that in the future you keep your judgmental and unprofessional comments to yourself.

      To Maya,
      you are fucking awesome! Personally, I dont know where you find the strength. I know after the summer you all will go back to Arizona and find a way to use Ronan’s foundation to kick cancer square in the balls! Keep on keeping on, momma, and someday you will smile and realize it’s not a fake one. :) we all love you and admire you, fuck the doubters, and the judges.

      Reply
      • JS

         /  June 16, 2011

        “Maya does not give me the impression that she’s on the edge, that she’s suicidal, or that any of her behavior is really reckless. She is running at night and surfing. Big deal! I don’t think you need to call in the white jackets over that.”

        Never once even intimated that she was suicidal! Never once said the “white jackets” should be called in either – which is an insulting way of referring to people who need help with their mental health. As for why I’m concerned about her running at night, I’ll tell her my reasons in a minute. But I’m far from the only one concerned about that, yet oddly I’m the only one getting treated badly for it.

        “I also don’t think you have any right to tell her who is her favorite child, who she loves the most, what she can say to her children about their brother, or what she should say to her children at all.”

        I do wish I had phrased some things differently because it didn’t read the way I intended, but I never told her she loved Ronan more! Everything I said was from genuine concern and not judgment, no matter what anyone else thinks. Again, Maya is the only one I owe further comment to, and I’ll explain my intent to her.

        “Your insensitivity and judgement in that regard make me wonder if you really are an expert because a real mental health professional would never attempt to diagnose or give advice to someone without ever meeting them or talking with them in depth. I also am shocked that you would suggest Maya needs medication based on what you have read in a blog!”

        How would you know what *every* single mental health professional would say? I certainly don’t claim to know that myself. As far as your saying people shouldn’t give advice to someone they’ve never met, well there are people from all walks of life giving Maya advice on here. (And just look at the “advice” you and all these other people are now giving me on here!) I do happen to be a psychologist as well as a GRIEVING MOTHER myself. And please, I never told Maya she needed medication! I didn’t try to diagnose her either! Maya said she thought she has PTSD, and I said therapy was needed to treat that. Sometimes medication is required for PTSD as well (read through the DSM if you disagree), but I never said *Maya* needed medication! I was referring to the horrible disease that is PTSD, not Maya herself.

        “I would suggest that in the future you keep your judgmental and unprofessional comments to yourself.”

        How can you call someone you’ve never met unprofessional? You’re definitely judging the hell out of me, but I have complete respect for free speech and would never suggest you or anyone else should keep their voice quiet. I never meant to sound judgmental, and will explain my own grief-addled point of view to Maya.

    • I can somewhat understand your concern but to try and shove how you think her life and her sons should be handled down her throat is wrong! This is their pain and only maya can guide herself and them thru it even with the help of therapy it will still be maya they will look to and so far to me she has shown them it is ok to grieve, get angry, and still Love and play like normal children. I cannot imagine what it must take for her to do that on a daily basis right now but she IS doing it. If you have followed her all along I truly can not understand why you are thinking the way you are or why You would say those things to a grieving mom who is doing her very best and doing a damn good job of dusting herself off daily and giving each day another try with amazing determination so that quinn and Liam know that there is still life after all of this heartache even though I can only imagine how hard it is for her to do so. If you have not lost a child it is impossible to understand what she is going through, I have lost MANY close to me but not my children and because of the losses I have suffered it allows me to see that as long as I still have my children I still have the world, I am blessed and thankful for them. Maya is living through hell on earth right now because thats what it has to be like to lose one of your children.

      Reply
      • JS

         /  June 16, 2011

        Wow. I really do hate that everyone is misinterpreting both my words and my intent. Maya’s interpretation is my only concern though, and I will try to explain things better to her. And you’re absolutely right – Maya is doing an amazing job. It’s very obvious how much she loves all three of her boys, and I truly regret if that got lost in translation.

        “If you have not lost a child it is impossible to understand what she is going through, I have lost MANY close to me but not my children and because of the losses I have suffered it allows me to see that as long as I still have my children I still have the world, I am blessed and thankful for them.”

        I’ve lost a mile-long list of vitally important people throughout my life: grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, dear friends, best friends. And you are indeed lucky to still have your children after your other losses. I don’t have that.

        “Maya is living through hell on earth right now because thats what it has to be like to lose one of your children.”

        Then try to imagine losing BOTH of your children and you might understand me a bit better. And you (and all the others on here) might not be so quick to judge me.

    • AL

       /  June 16, 2011

      That was the craziest thing I have ever read. Who do you think you are, Maybe Maya isnt calling you a bitch in her head but I most certainly am. Who are you to judge her? She is a greiving mother, and you are not her psycologist. She is a fantastic mother and alot has to be said for a woman who is so honest and who has helped many women like myself become better mothers. Thank you Maya for being YOU and for letting us in. You are a wonderful mother and coronado is the best place for you to be. Your boys are very lucky to have you as a mother and in my opinion you are doing a great job with them.

      Reply
      • SG

         /  June 16, 2011

        I have been following Maya’s blog for several weeks now and have not had the right words to contribute but can’t help but include my reply to this post from JS — There is no one right way through experiences. You may have benefited from immediate counseling to handle your grief and PTSS but to judge another on how they are approaching their own grief s at the heart of what “not to do” . Your grief and situations are not the same as what Maya and family are going through. Even if you have lost a child, each tragedy is different and the people involved are different. Personally, I could not imagine a better way to support Liam and Quinn then to devote each day to them, spending time with them, making them the focus and openly talking about their brother Ro. They need to know its okay to talk about him, love him, remember him during life’s everyday moments. They also need to know it is stil okay to have fun, laugh and love despite the loss of their brother. I think it is simple common sense to know Maya’s words are similar to a diary in that she is coming from pure emotion. I am amazed how Maya continues to get up every morning and consciously motivates herself to give her love and energy to her family each day while she is dealing with the tragedy of losing Ronan. i would just want to curl up in a ball and quit for a while. She also shows keen awareness on the differences between Liam and Quinn and supports each child uniquely – in the way they each need her to . Her love of all 3 boys is obvious to me. I can’t understand how you could miss it. Judgement is the last thing Maya and family need and I hope everyone who is moved by her story sees that tolerance and unconditional love and support are what we can offer when someone has to face such an unthinkable tragedy. Namaste communicates respect and tolerance and I hope you may learn the true meaning of this in your own journey.

        Maya – - Ignore those who don’t get it and keep your focus. You are amazing and your boys are in wonderful hands and are exactly where they need to be.

      • JS

         /  June 16, 2011

        AL:
        “That was the craziest thing I have ever read. Who do you think you are, Maybe Maya isnt calling you a bitch in her head but I most certainly am”

        One grieving mother struggling like hell to advise another grieving mother is crazy to you? Fine, that’s your right. As far as who I think I am…I feel like my life must be some absurdist work akin to Waiting For Godot, maybe that’s why my words keep translating upside down and backwards to everyone on here. I’d actually give anything to find out my life is just some bizarre work of fiction, because at least books end. My suffering of losing both my children never will end. So you or anyone else on here calling me a bitch? Pretty much the highlight of the hell that is this day in the hell that is my life. Words don’t hurt me. Living and breathing hurt me, and I was truly only trying to help Maya.

        “Who are you to judge her? She is a greiving mother, and you are not her psycologist. She is a fantastic mother”

        I don’t judge her. I admire her strength. And I completely agree that she’s a fantastic mother. Who exactly are you to judge me?

    • MaYa

       /  June 16, 2011

      Get a life, you old fart! How can you give yourself the right to tell someone what to do and how to grieve? Just gtfo. Seriously you made me mad.

      Reply
      • MaYa2

         /  June 16, 2011

        Just an FYI, my name is MaYa but I’m not Maya Thompson.

    • JS

       /  June 16, 2011

      Dear Maya,

      I tried answering a few people on here, but I’m done with everyone else. YOU are the only one I want to explain things to, so I ask that you be patient with me – another grieving mother – and please read this. Please. Because I never meant my words to hurt you or be interpreted as judgment, and I’d like a chance to explain and apologize. I wanted to help, but obviously I failed spectacularly. Please give me this one more chance. I’ll be gone after this.

      First, to everyone who is no doubt trying to flay me alive in Maya’s direct post to me, I didn’t read a word of it and I never will. I addressed Maya, and Maya responded to me. Am I happy she chose to call me out in a post that everyone would read, where she quoted me a couple of times out of context instead of posting my entire comment immediately (rather than a day later)? No, but it’s her blog and therefore totally her call. But why all of you defend one grieving mother to the ends of the earth and hate and judge me, another grieving mother, makes no sense. Besides, Maya is one tough cookie, so she didn’t need anyone’s help – she took me down on her own pretty damn impressively. ;) Keep that fierce grizzly bear attitude Maya, and I have no doubt you’ll make it through this. No doubt. I just hate like hell that you have to.

      Maya, first and foremost I am so completely and unbelievably sorry that I hurt you, offended you, and made you feel judged. You have no idea how much it killed me when I read your response. I really truly meant well, and I guess it’s my own sorry luck that what I wrote has been misinterpreted so badly. Oh for the chance to have phrased things differently, to have been clear, to have had you understand that I care and wanted to help. To think I added to your pain in any way kills me. I actually cried and vomited for over an hour this morning when I read your post and saw that I had hurt you! I would never hurt anyone intentionally, certainly not another grieving mother. I am sorry beyond belief! I hope you can find it in your enormous heart to forgive me. I realize only now, looking back, how my own fears and anger for someone else having to be in my shoes – and my fury that this hideous repugnant thing called cancer had and would forever harm your beautiful family too – colored my writing and totally skewed my perspective. My pure intent to try to help you really did get lost in translation. When I read my own words, they made sense at the time. So I sent them. But that sense was apparently only from my grief-fueled perspective. I swear to you I meant well and I was not judging you at all. I so hate that you thought I was. But you jumped to a very hurtful conclusion which made me feel judged… you said I couldn’t possibly have lost a child and say those things to you. There is no secret handshake I could have shown you that said “yep, I’m in the mommy to a child who’s passed away club – twice over” – and I didn’t want to make the post about my losses. About my two beautiful precious little girls who were ripped away from me by cancer, three years apart… two different kinds of cancer… a fluke, the doctors said. No, MY CHILDREN, I replied to them… my babies! And they are not flukes!! Talking about them rips my heart wide open all over again, Maya. So I tried to talk to you about my fears for you, and my concerns for your other two boys based on both personal and professional experience. I tried to talk to you about your family without telling you about mine first, and that was a mistake. I swear there was no judgment or malice in my words, and I hate like hell that it read that way. I’m so sorry – and I apologize wholeheartedly to you, to Woody, and to your darling Liam and Quinn. I repeatedly referred to your love for your twins, but I realize now how it all come out backwards. Upside down. Inside out. Kind of like my heart… maybe that’s why what were honestly well-meaning words came out so wrong. Because my heart is so fucked up, and my head decided to follow suit. You know how you said you post late at night when you’re exhausted? Well, when I replied to you, I was exhausted too – not from a hard day but from a hard life. Not from a night without sleep, but *four days* without sleep. If I had waited to post until I got some good sleep… well, I don’t get good sleep. Ever. I get a few minutes here and there, maybe 10-20 minutes and then it’s nightmare city and I’m wide awake again, for another 2-4 *days*. Sleep meds don’t help me. I’m so glad they do help you. Instead, I’m in a cycle of having to be hospitalized for exhaustion at least 2-3 times a year for several days each time. Not fun. And the insomnia is just getting worse. And I feel that if I had gotten grief counseling myself sooner, maybe I’d be healthier now…and I wanted you and your family to cope better than I am. But these are the things I wanted to refrain from burdening you with on *your* blog.

      But I think now for you to understand that my intent really was pure, I have to share these personal things with you. So many of your words – your painfully honest words – have hit me so hard. I admire the hell out of you Maya – the fact that you have put your journey with Ronan’s cancer into such a detailed, moving blog is so brave, and something I could never do. And the fact that you are still blogging about your journey since losing him is even more courageous and heart wrenching. I’m glad that you and your family have the luxury of spending the summer away, and I never meant to imply otherwise. I just know how critical early intervention is in the grieving process. Grief counseling for the whole family and age-appropriate support groups for the kids (where they can talk to other grieving kids and learn how very normal the abnormal feelings that accompany grief are) are so important in the healing process. Waiting even a few months can be detrimental, for a child or an adult. I’d give *anything* if I hadn’t kept saying “you should do this” or “your kids need that” – god, so very wrong of me to word it that way!! But you know why I did? I copied the words from my own therapist from an old email and just changed the names. Bad idea, but honestly pure intentions. Please believe that. She was warning me about my older daughter after my younger baby girl had passed away… warning me of the pitfalls and wrong things kids hear after a death. She knew I had the wrong things said to me when I was a grieving child myself, and that I had seen upset children professionally whose well-meaning parents had made them feel self-conscious. How? By saying their deceased loved one was “always watching them from heaven” or “they’re always right there with you.” Some kids are fine with this, but others are afraid if they make any mistake at all… well, they’re afraid their loved one will be disappointed in them for not being perfect, etc. Other kids are worried about never having any privacy. Still others are worried that this means their loved one isn’t getting to enjoy heaven because they’re so busy taking care of/watching over them! I swear to you I meant well, but I readily admit I never should have used Liam’s and Quinn’s names like I did and imply that you had already made them feel bad in any way. And I never said or implied they would be *scared* of Ronan’s presence as if he were haunting them! Possibly self-conscious (because a lot of kids are) but never ever scared! I know from your blog posts that you talk to them about Ronan all the time, but I shouldn’t have said things the way I did. I should have phrased it all differently. I was worried about your boys feeling the aforementioned things, as I worry about all children who’ve lost a loved one feeling that way. *I* felt that way as a child, and I’ve seen so many other children feel that way. I was hell-bent on not letting my older daughter feel that way, and it was that fiercely protective place in my heart that made me want to look out for your boys. No, it wasn’t my job to do that. But I only wanted to help, Maya. You are so lucky to have Liam and Quinn, and you are doing an absolutely unbelievable job raising them and loving them, and now helping them cope with grief while still being “little boys.” Can you imagine for just a second if you didn’t have them? If you lost TWO beautiful little angels like I did? To be a mother WITHOUT A CHILD????? :’( Bear with me, I’m typing through a flood of tears. I still feel a desperate need to “mother” sometimes, Maya, and I wanted to reach out to you and try to help your boys. I should have known you had it all covered, as amazing as you are! What you said about how you and Woody talk with them when they need it, and how you all share your feelings openly was so beautiful! I don’t know how you do it. And to hear you say that all three of your boys are your favorites was the most beautiful thing you’ve ever said in an ocean of beautiful words, Maya.. I truly was NOT judging you when I said what I did… I just felt an intense need to “mother” and channeled it so badly… and to boys who are already more than covered by two extraordinary parents! What I meant as advice came out sounding like I was ordering you to do something, and my god Maya… that was the last thing I ever meant to do. And the way the rest of it came across as if I was again ordering you over what you could and couldn’t tell your boys about Ronan was so wrong, so very wrong – but done accidentally, I swear. I was still copying from my therapist’s email to me, replacing my baby girl’s name with your baby boy’s name. I meant for those words to be as reassuring to your boys as they had been to my older daughter. I just wanted to spare your boys any additional problems because their sweet little hearts being broken over losing their baby brother kills me. It kills me because I can tell how much you love them. And it kills me because I went through the grieving process with my older girl, just me and her… but that was because we were the only two left. Their dad walked out when my youngest was born. So after a fierce 6-month battle on my baby’s part, it was just me and my “big girl”… until she got sick 3 years later and I lost her too. Her cancer was so aggressive she could only fight it for 6 weeks. Then it was just me….. a mother with no child.

      You know how you refer to Ronan’s room as “hot lava?” How you’re not ready to go in there and don’t know when you will? (Which is perfectly normal, NO judgments!) I just wanted to tell you that you’re lucky to be able to be away with the boys for the summer. It’s good for all of you, I’m sure. I wish I could get away. All I could afford was a 1-bedroom apartment for me and my girls, so we all shared the bedroom and quite often had “slumber parties” in the living room. So I don’t have a “hot lava” room, I have an entire “hot lava” apartment… and it kills me. And that is NOT diminishing your pain over Ronan’s room in any way!! I’m just telling you more about me, so you’ll understand where my concern for YOU was coming from. Once it was just me, I had to get outside to keep from suffocating, literally. Inside, I was surrounded by the sight of emptiness and deafened by the sounds of silence. Sometimes I just sat outside to breathe the night air. But then I took to walking and then running at the nearby park. There was actually a running trail there, so I thought I was safe. And like you, “pounding the pavement” was cathartic for me. Until the night a guy who had apparently been watching me, learning my routine, accosted me. Only I didn’t get away like you did from your “creepy guy” the other night, Maya. He had a knife, and he raped me. I was left lying there wondering why the hell he didn’t kill me, because at that point I wished he had… sometimes I still wish he had. But I try to cope, with all of this, on a minute to minute basis. Sometimes second to second. One breath to the next. Sigh… So do you see why I was expressing concern for your night runs? I didn’t want to burden you with my pain, I only wanted to protect you from anything else happening to you. You don’t know that some guy isn’t watching you too, learning your routine, your route. I never meant to make you think I didn’t trust YOU – you’ve more than proven how brave you are. But that doesn’t take evil people out of this world who might hurt you. Of course it’s your choice whether to run, but I wanted to keep you safe because your boys need you so much… and I know how dangerous this world is. I’m not much older than you, but I even felt that twinge of needing to be a mother-figure to you too… I ache for my girls so much, I just want to protect everyone else that I can. No, it’s not my job to protect you or your boys – you’re handling that so well with Woody. But I still felt the need to try… the whole mother without a child syndrome. Welcome to my life, Maya – it sucks! That’s why I’m so proud of you… you’re doing things I could never do. But our situations aren’t one and the same, no one’s are. But it’s not exactly the apples and oranges you first thought, either.

      As a final note, I really do believe that grief counseling is important, but if or when is obviously your choice. And I only said anything at all because you specifically said about your boys: “the damage done to them cannot be undone” and “When we get back to AZ, therapy will become a big part of our lives. I have to be proactive about this.” I was only trying to second your own decision to get them into therapy, and to advise the same for you and Woody because… well, the damage done to the two of you can’t be undone either. And with you saying you thought you have PTSD (as do I), that made it all the more important that you get help soon. But of course, your call. Also, there are some really great grief workbooks out there that I’ve seen kids really get into. They’re interactive and give extra validation to the child’s grief – not that you don’t already do that with Liam and Quinn! Just an idea, and one they could easily do while simultaneously being happy little boys at the beach! If you’re actually interested, I’m sure your therapist can guide you. Or you can even browse Amazon. And after Quinn’s beautiful blog post to Ronan recently, maybe giving the boys journals would be a good idea? So they can write to Ronan anytime the mood strikes? Totally up to their awesome mommy of course! I also know it helps kids and adults to write down important memories when they lose someone so they don’t have to hold on to every little detail consciously… you can carry on and move forward without worrying you’ll forget anything. You’re doing a stellar job with that already, Maya, and you are truly to be lauded for that.

      Maya, I hope with every single piece of my broken heart that you understand me better now and know that, as I had said, my intentions were truly pure and I was not judging you AT ALL. I was trying to help, like so many people do on here, because you and Ronan have moved me so much. I would never presume to judge anyone, let alone another grieving mother. I wanted to help, yet my words somehow came out as really bad alphabet soup… jumbled and rotten alphabet soup. I am so sorry for that and hope you and your lovely family can forgive me.

      And obviously this is your blog so you can post this or not, your call… but as private as some of it is, I actually wish you would post it so everyone else will (hopefully) stop hating me and get back to supporting you. And I’d personally like to encourage the people who are advocating actual violence against me to rethink that stance and learn to channel their anger into something positive. NO ONE deserves to be hit or hurt. And even though someone questioned my use of the word namaste, I meant it. Grief is a lifelong journey and I absolutely wish you and your family all the best as you traverse it. And I also meant that if anyone can do it, you and your family can. I won’t demean your grief by wishing you happiness right now… I know how annoying that is. But know this Maya: No matter what you think of me, whether you accept my apology and believe my sincerity or not… I wish you peace, Maya. I wish you peace.

      Reply
      • MaYa

         /  June 18, 2011

        Oh wow, do I feel like crap now. I am so sorry for the life that you had. What else is there to say? I’m sorry for calling you an old fart, but your words did come out quite wrong and offensive. I hope you find some meaning in this life.. start a charity or something to maybe help ease the pain, knowing that you made some difference. Best, MaYa (not Thompson)

  10. Glenda

     /  June 15, 2011

    Maya, my heart aches for you, rockstar Ro, Woody, Liam & Quinn.

    Hoping the sun is shining bright and you and the boys are enjoying the beach and the surf.

    Sending you mama bear hugs…peace and strength… xo

    Reply
  11. Katie

     /  June 15, 2011

    Maya, thinking of you and Ronan today (well, really every day)! Inspired by you, I recently started running. After reading your blog my mind is constantly going and it really helps to clear my thoughts and get some frustration out. I think it is great that you have your nightly runs and if anyone tried to snatch you up you’d probably kick some serious ass.

    Reply
  12. Kim

     /  June 15, 2011

    Maya-
    I have a tattoo that says “I am not afraid” – It is a constant reminder that I AM NOT AFRAID…

    Reply
  13. Ellie

     /  June 15, 2011

    Maya-

    I thought of you the other day when when I was buying indoor cycling shoes for my sister-in-law’s birthday. The saleswoman gave my sister-in-law socks to put on that said “cancer sucks.” As she was handing my sister-in-law the socks she apologized saying, “Sorry about the not-so-nice word on the socks. I looked at her and said, “I don’t think the word sucks is strong enough. They should say f-u-c-k cancer!” She was a little startled to say the least, but at least now she knows the truth.

    Thinking of you and your family everyday and praying for you constantly. Stay strong mama bear!

    Ellie

    Reply
  14. Dear Maya,
    you put a smile on my face w that lil story of yours, how you spoke up n told the family the hard truth. Take heart my dear friend. Time will tell us that those who hv passed hv left their physical bodies but live w us forever. Just wanted to share a song w you by Annie Lenox, it’s called Into The West. Lotsa luv, Jo

    Reply
  15. Amber

     /  June 16, 2011

    Hello Maya!! :). I’m not quite sure how to privately email you but my sister is turning the big 7 on the 22nd of June she’s had AML leukemia since she was 2 1/2 and has been in the hospital on and off for over 4 years. This has been her longest hospital stay going on over a year now undergoing treatments, she also just found out she might have to get a kidney transplant. Anyways my whole point to this post is she loves getting mail and I think it would be awesome if you could maybe make a post or mention her in a blog so people from all over would send her birthday cards. Her address is Kaylin Oliver hemotology/oncology unit po box 5371 MSCH-58 Seattle WA 98105-0371. It would mean so much to my family and bring a smile to her face. Thank You!!! Sending you hugs from Castle Rock WA

    Reply
    • Melissa Sager

       /  June 16, 2011

      Amber- that is a great idea! My family and I will send her cards from now on! Anything to make a little girl smile after such a life of struggle! Happy early birthday to her!

      Melissa Bradbury Sager

      Reply
  16. MK

     /  June 16, 2011

    Maya – I know exactly what it feels like to beg God to take you instead of your baby and have your baby gone nonetheless. I know what it feels like to be in “that place” where you realize the safety and concern for others but could care less about yourself. Anyone who tries to tell you that what you are feeling is something you shouldn’t needs to shut the F&^K UP!!!!

    The amazing thing is that you ARE working through this and you are much braver than you realize. I read your blog and I tell you what…I cannot even remember the first month after my daughter died. I was in a total haze. And you know what else? I didn’t care if I lived or died. I just wanted my little girl back home with me. I hated leaving her behind at the hospital. I also kept her ashes in my home for several months before I was ready to put them someplace else. And, even now, 16 years later, they are where I could get to them if I needed to. They are in a church, hidden where nobody else knows, with other little people who died before their time.

    What you write it true grit. And that does more to help you heal than anything else. Being honest.
    Everyone heals at their own rate and there is no “speeding up” the healing from the death of a child..especially one that the doctors told you could/should have been saved.

    Your wounds are still very, very raw.

    Reply
  17. molly

     /  June 16, 2011

    wow! some people have crazy nerve! i have never posted to u as i dont feel i could say anything that would make u feel better or help the giant hole in your heart. however, with all of the blow up going on, i just wanted to reassure u that u really are an amazing woman! I have never experienced loss like u and it makes me physically sick to even think about it. i commend u for not totally shutting down. i know i would have. to the dumb bizzo who decided ordering maya around on her personal blog was ok, u need to be slapped. only maya and her family have the right to discuss anything like that. who are you? u have way overstepped your blogging boundaries. i could go on forever but i wont. maya, i want to leave you with this…I WISH U EVERYTHING WONDERFUL IN LIFE! I COMMEND YOU FOR BEING THE STRONG WONDERFUL MAMMA YOU ARE! I WISH U PEACE AND HOPE TO FILL WHAT WAS TAKEN FROM YOU! I WISH U EVERY JOY WITH QUINN AND LIAM! I KNOW YOU WILL BE THE BEST AND STRONGEST MOM FOR THEM! YOUR RAW HONESTY ROCKS!
    p.s. stop reading this blog if u only choose to tear maya or her family apart! we should only be here to support and raise awareness!

    Reply
  18. Ange

     /  June 16, 2011

    Maya,

    I don’t know you, but I do know that you kick ASS!!!! All the time. You are AMAZING. If we ever met I’m certain we would be best friends! :)

    So… from one bereaved mom to another… I just wanted to let you know that you’re doing a fucking awesome job. Oh, and fuck all the naysayers. And the judgey judgers. And the many ignorant people that will try to shove grief cliches (or any other load of BS) down your throat.

    One thing is certain: People will always give their lame ass opinions as you journey through grief. Only hang onto what resonates with you. Keep staying true to yourself, keep your fire & passion, and keep speaking your truth in that feisty, kick-ass way of yours. This is YOUR story and you write it perfectly.

    Ronan, you & your entire family are changing the world.

    You seriously are my new superhero.

    Sincerely,
    Ange

    Reply
  19. JS

     /  June 17, 2011

    Maya,

    I have to say I’m disappointed you didn’t post my very long, tear-stained “explanation/apology” on here. My first post, that you made an entire blog out of, was “awaiting moderation” from the night I wrote it until the next afternoon when you made the choice to approve it. Hundreds of people have since torn me down and judged me, some even wishing harm on me. Now that I’ve done my best to explain where I was coming from, admit my mistakes, apologize, and tell you that I too am a grieving mother – one who lost TWO babies to cancer – you don’t “approve” that. It was “awaiting moderation” for a while, but now it’s just gone. While obviously *you* were the one I wrote it to and the one I want to understand me and forgive my mistakes, I still wish all the people who have judged me and said they actually hate me could have the chance to see what I really meant to say in the first place – that I am not judgmental but wanted to help you because I have in fact been there as they claim I haven’t. I’ve been there TWICE and am now a mother with no child. I wrote from a place of concern and pain that came across all wrong the first time, and I tried with every puny ounce of energy in me to fix it all in my last comment. I wouldn’t be saying another word to you if my comment was still showing up on my end as “awaiting moderation.” But it’s not. It’s just gone. That of course is your choice, but I had truly hoped you would understand me and forgive me – and give me the chance to apologize publicly since I had inadvertently hurt you publicly. I’m sad you didn’t give me that chance, but in the grand scheme of things… well, this is nothing compared to my “every second of every day” pain and desolation. I hope you’ll change your mind, but no matter what – I still wish you peace, Maya.

    Reply
  20. JS

     /  June 17, 2011

    Maya – Oh boy is my face red. For some reason, the “explanation/apology” post I just referenced had completely disappeared – on both my computer and my phone, even though I have reloaded the page several times. It just wasn’t there. And yet now it is! Still “awaiting moderation” – but somehow back. Forgive me again, please? I’m going to have to chalk this up to my now 5+ days with no sleep (I sense a hospital trip soon)… something only another grieving mother can understand, and I hope you do.

    May something magical await you and your family today. Namaste.

    Reply
  21. VShaw

     /  June 18, 2011

    JS- please stop commenting here. This isn’t the JS show. You refer to your lack of sleep, etc. Please be responsible for the fact that you’re not making any sense and no matter what your intentions are, you are just completely off base/out of line/inconsiderate. Please, if no one has asked you directly, please journal, write your own blog, and continue your own healing- BUT NOT HERE! all of your points would be more appropriate in just about any other forum. I’m sure the list of people who are praying for you is longer than the list of people who you have enraged.

    Reply
  22. Amber

     /  June 22, 2011

    I want to thank everyone who sent cards/gifts to my sister she LOVED getting mail and she said thank you! -Amber & Kaylin

    Reply
  23. JessiLee

     /  November 1, 2012

    This post is so raw. It made me sick to my stomach and liberated all at the same time. The tears were from sickness here, not only sadness. I am just sick. I can’t wait until you find a cure for this. I will be walking by your side. The entire time.

    Reply
  24. Tifani

     /  November 17, 2012

    In one comment JS said she has not lost any of her children, but then in other comments she all of a sudden is a grieving parent that lost 2 kids! Very strange!!

    Reply

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  • Instagram is my BFF

    Lorde with my little royal. @quinnthompson24 #ronan #fucancer #lorde #imthecoolestmomever #hessocute Miss you already, lover. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #rideordie #mommynumbertwo @macymwood Dedicated to my @macymwood. Ride or die for life. #ronan #fucancer #iwillloveyoutilltheendoftime #lanadelrey #iwouldmakeoutwithlana Hipsters. #ronan #fucancer #middleagedhipsters #youngforever #forgotourflowerheadbands #lanadelrae Been trying hard not to get into trouble... #ronan #fucancer #lanadelrae #mymusicalsoulmate @macymwood This is my happy place. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #hidingfromtheworld #sundaysnuggles @macymwood @knjoy Sundays are for sleep. @macymwood @knjoy #poppy #ronan #fucancer #sleepingbeauty #wornoutfromsomuchdancing Just making out with my favorite homegirl. #poppy #ronan #youdownwithopp? #yeahyouknowme #homegirllove #fucancer Poppy's other mom is in da house! #poppy #ronan #fucancer #mytwomoms #thesebitchesarecrazy @macymwood A bunch of little ballers and a P-Ro, too. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #basketballislife #arcadiatitans This has secretly been being worked on for quite some time. As you can imagine, it was a very emotional thing. We as board members/friends at RTF decided it was time for the little seal logo to go. We needed something that really spoke to who Ronan was/is. This is what our amazing friends at Fervor Creative came up with after many meetings with us and many do overs. (pro bono might I add because they have such beautiful hearts) I think they nailed it this time as it shows the beauty, strength and bravery that Ronan had, in such a simple way. How no matter what, you always keep walking up that hill and fighting, and even in death, you wont stop fighting for a world that so badly needs to be fixed which is the world of childhood cancer. Looking at this makes me proud, it makes me cry, it makes me strong. After everything Ronan went through, he always held his little chin up with such dignity and pride. At 3 years old, he was such a little man who never felt sorry for himself or let what he was going through get him down. He was my greatest teacher in life and will continue to be as I carry him with me in everything I do. I love you, Ronan. I will never stop fighting for you and this fucked up world of childhood cancer that everybody just seems to ignore. We will change this, because of you. I hope you all like our new Ronan Thompson Foundation design. @ronanfoundation #ronan My favorite place to be on a Friday night. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #fridaynightsnuggles #mybabe
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