I live my life for you


Ronan. Ouch. Ouch doesn’t come in the form of you hurting from your broviac dressing changes we used to do every week. Ouch doesn’t come in the form of the pokey shots we used to have to give you after you finished your round of chemo. Ouch now comes in the form of living this life. This life without you. It comes in seeing all of the little kids who are your age running around the beach. It comes in the form of seeing the beach towel today that had your Paul Frank monkeys all over it. It comes in the form of my obsession with taking pictures and you are now missing in every one of them. You are just gone. I’m waiting for you to appear in a picture of your brothers, right in the middle where you used to always be. It is beyond weird not having you around to take pictures of, Ronan. You were such my little ham and I used to absolutely die over talking pictures of you and your big blue eyes. I miss you so much it hurts. The pain is not getting any better. I still think it is getting worse as the days go on and I watch everyone else in life with their beautiful kids. I sit and wonder to myself, do they know how lucky they are? How lucky they are to be able to just hold the hand of their little ones to cross the street? How lucky they are to deal with a tantrum or go through the terrible twos? Those people I watch from my new set of eyes are so unbelievably lucky. I find myself sitting back a lot now and just absorbing my surroundings and wishing for you. I want to scoop up every little person I see and tell them I love them, because I do. They all remind me of you in different ways. The little boy with the blue eyes, the little girl with the mischievous smile, the laughter and innocence that these little people are so blessed to have and they don’t even know it. And they shouldn’t know it; but their parents should. I hope so much that all these people who are touched by your little life now take the time to be grateful for having something so simple and beautiful. I hope they kiss and love their kids so much more now. That is my wish for you, Ronan. After you passed away, I sat and kissed your little cold lips about a dozen times. I wanted to sit in that room with you and kiss you forever. Instead, I now get to sit and cry about how I will never be able to kiss your little lips again. You had the best lips too. They were so full and soft. Your daddy and I were talking about you the other day and how unbelievably perfect you were. I keep thinking you were too perfect for this world? Your beauty was unlike anything that I have ever seen before. I don’t understand why you had to be taken away from us. I will never understand this which is why something has to be done, Ro. After this summer is over, I’m going to figure out a plan. I have got to help other kids like you who deserve to survive this disease. I will do it for you and in your honor. I know this will not bring you back, but I know it is something that would make you proud and smile. I miss your smile so much.

Yesterday, I laid in bed for a long time and held your blanket and cried. I cry about you all of the time now because I am constantly feeling the emptiness of life without you. No more shock, no more numbness. Your brothers have been taking really good care of me though. Quinn likes to lay with me when I am sad and we talk about you. He falls asleep holding my hand much like you used to always do. You have the most amazing brothers, Ronan. I thank god for them everyday of my life. I don’t know what I would do without them. We are slowly finding our way back together. They have had such a great time being little beach bums with their cousins, Jake and Carter. It is so therapeutic to watch them grow close to their cousins. It gives me a lot of peace of mind. One of the most beautiful things to come out of this has been seeing all the new bonds and relationships that have been formed. I said this the other day to someone….. that one of the things I treasure most is how I’ve watched my beautiful girlfriends all come together and the new friendships that have come from this. The bond that they have all created is such a gift to me. They have all given me such a gift by helping me through this that I hope this gift is something that I have given to them. It’s been like watching a puzzle slowly come together and I know the friendships that have been formed will be friendships for life. We are all like sisters now. I watched the way they all came together for our family and for you. They fought and continue to fight for us. I never knew what a powerful thing love could truly be, baby. It was only when you got sick that my eyes were opened up to a whole new world. It is a beautiful world indeed, but I so wish I was learning this lesson through something else rather than losing you. I don’t know how we are going to heal without you, Ronan. I think our new life is going to have to drastically change. It’s going to have to have a much bigger purpose, a much bigger meaning than living in the little bubble that we lived in before all of this. We are working on the healing part of this a now. Baby steps. The ocean. Family time. New adventures. Simpleness. I can’t tell you how exactly we are doing this, but the fact that we all get up everyday and somehow manage to smile is a good enough start for me. It is all we can do right now, Ronan.

Today, Quinn and I were taking our usual walk to Starbucks. I had on my sunglasses, fedora hat…. my usual, “hello I just woke up look on and I’m going into town.” We were walking on the boardwalk and this girl and her boyfriend passed us. I only noticed her because she had some flannel shirt on and I thought how cozy and cute it looked. A minute later, I heard someone running up behind me and she goes, “Maya!” I turned around and it was the girl in the cute flannel shirt. She then told me how she reads my blog. I was shocked  she recognized me and I asked her name and introduced her to Quinn. She introduced me to her boyfriend and I asked where she was from; she said Arizona. It was so random and so sweet. So to Allie today, thanks for having the guts to run up to me and say Hi. It was really nice to meet you:) Enjoy the rest of your time here, although I think you are leaving to go back to AZ soon. I hope you had a nice trip here.

After we returned back to our place, we met up with Stacy who is here for the week with her kiddos and Kenny. So fun to have them here with us. We split up since I had a surfing date with Katie and Sarah. We took lessons today and I’ll have to say it could become my new obsession. For the first time in 9 months, I had to fully forget about everything in my life and focus on fighting to get up on that board, stay up, and concentrate like I have not had to concentrate on just myself in a very long time. We stayed out in the ocean for about 3 and a half hours today. It was just what I needed and I loved every second of it. I’ve always wanted to surf. So stupid that I’ve waited so long to try something that I’ve always wanted to do. There were always too many excuses before. Well, not anymore. I’m done making excuses, Ronan. I’m going to live a life full of passion and adventure and I’m going to do it not only for myself, but for you too. Life is too short to let things hold us back. All fear is out the window. I’m done being scared. You were never scared of a thing in your life. You have left me this gift and I will keep living this way for you. I owe you so much for teaching me so many lessons. You are my hero, Ronan. You are my everything.

That is all for this evening little man. I love you to the moon and back. I will keep you in my heart forever. Sweet dreams, my love.

xoxo

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32 Comments

  1. Heidi G.

     /  May 31, 2011

    Maya,

    I am glad to hear that you kicked the ocean’s ass again today. Your strength, bravery and way with words continue to amaze me. Thank you for sharing Ronan’s story.

    Heidi Gallear
    Vancouver, WA

    Reply
  2. K.M

     /  May 31, 2011

    Sending my love and thoughts for sweet dreams of Ro.

    Reply
  3. Glenda

     /  May 31, 2011

    Maya, you are amazing. I’m so glad you got up on that board. Baby steps. Sweet dreams of Rockstar Ro! Xo

    Reply
  4. Robin

     /  May 31, 2011

    Maya, I’ve started writing you several times since I started reading your blog, and I just didn’t have the words. Then a lil earlier tonight as I was tucking in my lil monkey and telling her the same thing that I’ve told since before she was even born, I love you to the moon and back, the tears started falling for your lil monkey, I realized that the words I really wanted to tell you were Thank you, Thank you for making me a better mother, for every time I think Madi is really pushing it today, I would miss it, I would miss it all so much, and I hug her a lil tighter, a lil longer, and just cherish every single minute. I was going to wait till the morning but I couldn’t sleep, and then I saw todays post :) Thank you for makin me a better mom for making me remember just how special my precious child is EVERY minute of the day. Love your way Robin

    Reply
  5. Hello,
    My name is Sarah Perkins and I am a photographer in Gilbert, Arizona. I happened upon your website by chance and I am deeply touched. My husband fought childhood cancer when he was 4 years old, and my son is about that age. I feel personally connected to this mission and would love to help out in any small way I can.
    I have been searching for a local charity to be a part of as part of my philanthropic mission in my photography business. I would like to donate a portion of my sales for an upcoming event to your cause.
    I have posted information about it on my website: http://sarahperkinsphotography.com/2011/05/the-ronan-thompson-foundation/
    I thought you would like to know about it. I will making my donation after the event, and hope to have more events to donate to your Foundation!
    Thank you. May God bless you.
    -Sarah Perkins
    contact@sarahperkins.net
    (sorry for leaving this in the comment section, I just thought it would be appropriate to notify you of this, but couldn’t find a good way to contact)

    Reply
  6. Thank you Maya. My son is 20 months old and from reading what you have written about your amazing Ronan, there are a lot of similarities. My Timothy has bright blue eyes and a lively personality, although he is very shy in new places.

    I believe that I was meant to find your blog so that I could be more patient and appreciate my sweet little boy, every minute that he is with me. Thank you for that.

    I’m glad you had a good time surfing and spending time with your boys.

    I think of you and your family many times during the day, every day and when you are ready I will do what I can up here in Canada to help the Ronan Thompson Foundation.

    Reply
  7. Broken by Lifehouse

    The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
    Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
    I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
    I am damaged at best, like you’ve already figured out

    I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing
    With a broken heart that’s still beating
    In the pain, there is healing
    In your name I find meaning
    So I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on
    I’m barely holdin’ on to you

    The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
    I tried my best to be guarded, I’m an open book instead
    I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
    That are looking for a purpose, they’re still looking for life

    I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing
    with a broken heart that’s still beating
    In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
    In your name (in your name) I find meaning
    So I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’)
    I’m barely holdin’ on to you

    I’m hangin’ on another day
    Just to see what you throw my way
    And I’m hanging on to the words you say
    You said that I will be OK

    The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
    I may have lost my way now, haven’t forgotten my way home

    Maya, such a great surfing picture!! That is awesome. And the twins are so cute in the other picture with you. Like you said, all thats missing is Ronan. I hope you guys have a good day today.
    Believing..
    Alyssa

    Reply
  8. jamaica

     /  May 31, 2011

    Maya- I am so happy, proud and hopeful for you all at the same time! It sounds like you are really embracing life right now and Roman is so proud of you, I am sure of it. I have never lost a child So I do not know the agony of having to live without him, but I do think that by you getting out there and embracing those boys and the opportunities you are getting to live and love, you are so on the right track for healing. I continue to pray for your family as that is something that brings me comfort. Like you said it is so sad that we learn lessons from pain. I take comfort though in knowing that it Is in these times that we are being held and given the strength to go on! You are an amazing mom and friend and it is apparent in your words. Thank you for continuing to share. I so look forward to your words and thoughts. Your experience has definitely made me hug my kids tighter and worry less about the small stuff and embrace the important things! I look frward to a time when I can see you here in Longview again and just hug you! You are amazing girl. Keep up the good work!

    Reply
  9. Jessica

     /  May 31, 2011

    Thank you again and again. You were saying you hope that others look at their kids and just love all of their little things and that is one thing I have taken from your blog. I have a two and four year old. Now that I have read about your family I try each day to look at their little ways and smile. I feel bad that your family had to go through all of this and my heart breaks. Ronan’s memory will live on in all the lessons that you have taught us. I think of your family everyday and say a little prayer for healing. So thank you again and again. Through your loss you have given me so much.

    PS I love the picture of you and the twins. They both are your twin! Have fun at the beach; sometimes it’s the best place to heal.

    Reply
  10. JR

     /  May 31, 2011

    I promise you that because of your words I appreciate every moment with my daughter that much more. You are truly amazing and the fact you can still find so much beauty in the world now speaks so much to what a great mother you are. Please know that you and Ronan have already made huge changes in the world and I have no doubt there is so much more to come.

    Reply
  11. Lea

     /  May 31, 2011

    That board looks nice on you ; )

    Reply
  12. Jaime Harris

     /  May 31, 2011

    Continuing to pray for you Maya! Glad you got to surf! I’m happy that you have your twins to comfort you through this time, too. Thank you for sharing with us. Thoughts of you and prayers always…

    Reply
  13. Jaime Harris

     /  May 31, 2011

    God hath not promised
    Skies always blue,
    Flower strewn pathways
    All our lives through;
    God hath not promised
    Sun without rain,
    Joy without sorrow,
    Peace without pain.

    But God hath promised
    Strength for the day,
    Rest for the labor,
    Light for the way.
    Grace for the trials,
    Help from above,
    Unfailing sympathy
    Undying love…

    Reply
  14. Vanessa

     /  May 31, 2011

    I’d be lying if I didn’t say that the pic of you and the two boys didn’t break my heart a little…but I also thank God you have them to give you reason to put one foot in front of the other…one day you’ll look up and see, albeit a little sadly, how far you’ve all come together. All you need is love.

    Reply
  15. amanda

     /  May 31, 2011

    So proud of you!!!!!

    Reply
  16. Laura

     /  May 31, 2011

    Congrats on the surfing! So proud that you are getting some adventures in your life. Your family is in our thoughts and prayers always. One day at a time…baby steps..one foot in front of the other.

    Reply
  17. Amy J

     /  May 31, 2011

    Be sure of it, Maya! Thanks to you – this mom is not taking a single thing for granted with her two year old twins! Every temper tantrum, every fight to get something done…such a blessing! I read this blog every day as a reminder of my priorities.

    Reply
  18. So darn good looking on that surf board!! So cute too how “Katie Lady” did it with you. Luke, Lily and I miss you all but are so happy you get to spend time with The Murphy’s. Jennifer said its been great seeing you all so much! Keep getting up each day Maya. Love you!

    PS…I’ve had so many orders come through for the foundation on my website. People all over the United States are “treating” themselves in honor of Ro. I got a call from a lady in Canada yesterday and someone from Germany wanted to order!!! CRAZY! Today is the last day if you feel like posting. Up to you babe (: http://www.stelladot.com/sites/heidiash

    Reply
  19. Michelle

     /  May 31, 2011

    What an amazing post! Beautiful people (on the inside and out), beautiful words, and a beautiful meaning! Maya I have so much admiration for your strength and determination. I have no doubt that when the timing is right you are going to conquer this disease. In the meantime keep healing, breathing, and loving!!!

    Reply
  20. Heather

     /  May 31, 2011

    You are such an inspiration. You are truely an amazing mom, your little Ro was lucky to spend his short time here with you. I love the fact that you are going to put your effort into helping other children… at least some good can come from this horrible situation. I wish you peace and comfort and happiness as well as your family. God bless you, you deserve it!!!

    Reply
  21. Jaime Harris

     /  May 31, 2011

    love the new pictures! Good to see all the smiles :)

    Reply
  22. Janis Harow

     /  May 31, 2011

    Thank you so very very much for your words of wisdom. It is so easy to lose sight of the important things in life, namely our children. Your words have given me a new understanding of everything that I am grateful for. I will spend a few extra minutes teaching, and be a little more patient even when it’s the end of a very long day, and be very very thankful for each and every moment I spend with my children. You are truly am amazing person, and I wish you peace of mind and the comfort of being able to start healing.

    Reply
  23. Kimber Lacey

     /  May 31, 2011

    You look like a pro on the board. Your in my thoughts.
    Thank you.

    Reply
  24. Julie Fattaleh

     /  May 31, 2011

    Maya,

    What an amazing woman, mother and human you are. Bless you for sharing your pain and love all wrapped up together. You honor Ronan everyday with your blog. You have started a movement.

    As a mother who has suffered serious and very different challenges with a child, I am reminded my baby is still here. I can kiss her, hug her, hold her, help her. I will never give up. Thank you for that.

    I work with oncology physicians and adult and pediatric cancer patients everyday. I have a contact you may be interested in as she is not only the mother of a child who has survived neuroblastoma, she is a cancer researcher and is the founder of the Nicholas Conor Institute. thenicholasconorinstitute.org. Her name is Beth Ann Baber and she is located in San Diego. She is doing some of the most innovative things in pediatric oncology that I am aware of. After your summer of surfing, family and healing, I believe she may be someone who can help you with your mission to help other children with this deadly horrible disease as she has the same mission.

    Know that you are an inspiration. I will keep reading. I hope to meet you some day at LGO or Safeway as I am a fellow Arcadia mom.

    Love,
    Julie

    Reply
  25. Lisa

     /  May 31, 2011

    This song reminded me of you. Your little Ronan has made me a better person and mom. Thank you for sharing your story. . <3

    Rascal Flatts – I Won’t Let Go

    It’s like a storm
    That cuts a path
    It’s breaks your will
    It feels like that

    You think your lost
    But your not lost on your own
    Your not alone
    I will stand by you
    I will help you through
    When you’ve done all you can do
    If you can’t cope
    I will dry your eyes
    I will fight your fight
    I will hold you tight
    And I wont let go

    It hurts my heart
    To see you cry
    I know it’s dark
    This part of life
    Oh it finds us all
    And we’re too small
    To stop the rain
    Oh but when it rains

    I will stand by you
    I will help you through
    When you’ve done all you can do
    And you can’t cope
    I will dry your eyes
    I will fight your fight
    I will hold you tight

    And I wont let you fall
    Don’t be afraid to fall
    I’m right here to catch you
    I wont let you down
    It wont get you down
    Your gonna make it
    Yea I know you can make it

    Cause I will stand by you
    I will help you through
    When you’ve done all you can do
    And you can’t cope
    And I will dry your eyes
    I will fight your fight
    I will hold you tight
    And I wont let go
    Oh I’m gonna hold you
    And I wont let go
    Wont let you go
    No I wont

    Reply
  26. Elizabeth Z

     /  June 1, 2011

    :) XOXO

    Reply
  27. Jessica Chenier

     /  June 1, 2011

    Thank you for your posts. A lot of people go through life with out ever stopping to appreciate things. You have really paused life for me and have put a love in my heart for my children. I want to hold my children every time I read your entries. Thank you again for you openness. I pray that your lives touch MANY people. May your voice be heard!

    Reply
  28. MK

     /  June 1, 2011

    Each day is a new step and you are doing an amazing job, Mya. You really are. <3

    Reply
  29. Good girl. You are awesome.

    Reply
  30. Mary Candelaria

     /  September 11, 2012

    Hello Mya.I read about your story today on azcentral.com.I was at work at the time and when I read the part of the bare feet in the hallway I immediately teared up and knew I could not go any further until I got home. As I read more of your blogs and listened to Taylor Swift’s song Ronan the tears have flowed, especially when she sang “I can still fill your hand in mine”. As a mother or 2 grown boys I could never imagine experiencing such heartache. You have a special gift and are an amazing woman with such a powerful testimony of faith, strength, love and family. I pray only the best for you and your twins and that the birth of your new child will bring much happiness and laughter.

    Reply
  31. you are so inspirational, I feel so much for you and your family. I read about Ronan, he is a beautiful soul.

    Reply
  32. Danielle

     /  February 5, 2013

    Maya, first of all I just wanted to say I’m very sorry for your loss, as far as I’m concerned your one of the strongest mothers in the world, you carried on for your two other sons, when you’ve been through the worst thing a mother could possibly go through, My ex’s sister had showed me your blog when I was 7 months pregnant and I kept following and then I heard taylor swifts song, I fell deeply in love with the name, my son is now almost 2 months old and his name is Ronan Evan, I want him to know as he grows up that he got his name from a mother who went through hell and back just to be at her childs side, there is nothing in this world I wouldn’t do for him, and you’d do the same for your children! I really look up to you and your story! God bless you and yours, your truely an inspiration!

    – Danielle & Ronan

    Reply

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    My little campers had another boy/girl dance last night at camp. I'm guessing there was a lot of standing around and ignoring the girls. I'll keep them that way for as long as possible! #ronan #fucancer #littlestuds #justsaynotogirls #nokissingallowed #thisisthefreakingcutestthingever #boysrule #missthemsomuch Wise words Wednesday. #ronan #fucancer #wisewordswednesday #truth #fsu @brimelone Pearl is really regretting last nights decisions and the fact that she is grounded from the car. #pearl #ronan #fucancer #regretful #walkofshame #pearlishungover #pearlisgrounded #blacksheep #getyourshittogetherpearl
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