“Just you and me, Mom.”


I am trying my hardest to pretend this weekend is normal when all I really want to do is run away. Ro woke up bright and early as well as the twins as they had their baseball game to get ready for. Woody headed out early with them and Ronan and I waited for Tricia and Macy to pick us up to head over to the game. Macy’s eyes were full of tears as soon as she saw us and I tried my best to look away. It hurt so bad. Tricia drove my car, Macy sat in front and I sat in the back with Ro. We headed out to watch the twins play in their baseball game. It was hard for me to be there today, as I know everyone knows whats going on and I could feel the sadness in the air. I held on to Macy and Tricia’s hands, kissed my husband and cheered on my twins. I put on my sweetest smile, tucked Ronan away in his stroller and said hello to a few lovely team moms. We got to watch my boys play their game for about 20 minutes as that is all Ronan could handle. He is in pain and just wanted to go home. I left there with Tricia, Macy and Ronan in tow and talked Ronan into getting a shaved ice from our favorite place. He even went inside to pick out his flavors for him and his brothers. Macy had her first shaved ice today too. So proud I was the one to break her in. After our shaved ice, we headed to Have Java for coffees and Ronan then decided he wanted to go to Target. At this point, his wish is our command. We stopped by our house to drop off Liam and Quinn’s treats and Quinn hopped in the car with us to go to Target. It was the first time I have seen Ronan smile since we’ve been home. We went to town on getting him some new Star Wars guys and a Nerf Gun. After Target, we came back home and my mom had just arrived. Ronan was overwhelmed by the few people in our house as it was a little chaotic for him. Tricia and Macy said they were leaving and I begged them not to. I feel so strong with the two of them around. Tricia was only trying to be helpful and said I needed time with my family but I pleaded with her that she and Macy are our family. As soon as they left, I started bawling. I told them I just needed them at my house even if that meant they were picking weeds in my backyard. They both decided to respect the space that they think we need. I get it, I understand, but I am not my rational self these days. I sent Tricia a text telling her I was mad at her and as she had abandoned me. I know this is not the case at all, but not getting my way when I think I know best, is something I have a hard time with. I know that Tricia was right in leaving today. Nobody knows their place and it is a hard thing to watch. All I want is my house full of the people who I love most. Full of laugher, fun, and friends. But this is not what Ronan wants and I have to respect that.

After the Tricia fiasco, I went into straight psychotic mode and knew I was going to end up huddled in a corner somewhere bawling my eyes out. I didn’t want to freak out Liam and Quinn, so I decided I needed to take my anger out elsewhere. I ran my ass up Camelback Mountain as fast as I could and cried almost the entire way. I think Marisa called in the middle of my hike and I remember babbling to her about everyone abandoning me. She tried to calm me down, but there was no calming me today. I kicked that mountains ass and it felt good. I got to the top, prayed once again, and zoomed down as fast as I could. Tricia called me as I was halfway down the mountain begging to come and find me. I told her no, that I would be down soon. She in Macy trecked up as far as they could in their flip flops. As soon as Trish saw me she grabbed me and held me tight and we both cried. She told me how sorry she was, and how she would never leave me. I was the one who was sorry as I was a big, fat, jerk. Nothing in my mind makes sense anymore and the littlest things upset me. I know my best friend would never leave my side. I was being overly dramatic. I about peed my pants laughing when I saw what Macy was wearing while trying to climb up the mountain. Only a true friend would hike up Camelback in a red skirt and sandals, flashing everyone in sight due to the wind. As she said, “Thank god I wore underwear today.” I’m still laughing about that one.

I had them leave me at the bottom, so I could run home. It was there that I was greeted by my mom and Quinn who was riding his bike looking for me. So sweet. I was so happy to see him. He was so proud to come and find me. I am such a lucky mama; my boys love me so much.

I’m sick to death about Ronan. I feel like his body is giving out, but the worst part is his spirit and soul seem to be going as well. He is tired, grumpy, and just lays around. This is so hard for us to watch. It was only a few weeks ago that he was running around as if nothing was wrong. This is all happening way too fast. He just wants to be held and loved so that is what we are doing. I am still praying for a miracle and won’t ever stop. I keep picturing in my mind, him just getting better by himself because of all of our love. I’m hoping that months will go by and he will slowly come back to us. I dream of taking him in again for scans and hearing the words, “It’s amazing, his cancer has stopped spreading and is going away.” I dream of this a dozen times a day.

We have not had the talk with the twins yet, although I know they know something is going on. I’m trying to think of the perfect way to do it. There is no perfect way or perfect timing but as of now, I’m imagining Woody and I taking them on a walk to just let them know as little as possible. No talk about death, but explaining to them that the medicine is not working so we just need to love Ronan as much as we can. We will answer their questions as best we can, but have to try to make this as positive as possible. They do not need to know everything at this point. He is still here with us, he is still fighting but my baby is getting tired. I can see it in his eyes.

I’m scared to sleep now. What if I miss something. What if he takes his last breath and I miss it? I will never forgive myself. I’ve stopped taking my Ambien…. I’m obsessed with listening to his every heartbeat and watching him all night long. I sit and think about where he is going to go next…. somewhere with no more pain, but how can he not be in pain because I know his heart is going to be broken because he won’t be with us. This is going to be worse than any pain that he has been through at this point. He was meant to be with us forever. Not such a short amount of time as we had so many plans.

I’m restless and scared at what is going to come out of my mouth if I keep rambling on tonight. I love all of my family and friends so much. I love my Mr. Sparkly Eyes whom is always there to pick me up, especially when I’m at my lowest point. He is the only one who makes me smile now and who gives me such amazing advice. I love him for that. I love my husband for trying to be so brave, but he is so sad and I don’t know what to do except for try to be strong for him when he needs to break down. I sat on his lap tonight outside for a long time and tried to be the voice of reason and tried to reassure him that none of this is his fault like he is insisting that it is. He keeps saying it’s because of his bad genes. I told him that was bullshit and had nothing to do with this. It was just bad luck. Look at our beautiful perfect twins we have. My heart breaks for my husband and all I can do is love him, talk to him, and try to be strong for him as I did today, anytime he was around. I love him so much, that beautiful man of mine.

I’m ending tonight on that note. I love you all so much. Sweetest dreams to you all. I will never stop thanking you for your love and support.

xoxo

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27 Comments

  1. Suba

     /  April 30, 2011

    While sitting here crying and reading this, I wish so desperately like you that they say Ro is completely cured… As a mom, I see your strength and love in being whole for your husband and twins.lesson for so many who sweat the small stuff. I keep praying for your family. Maybe one day our paths will cross and I can give the hugs I send in person. Ro is loved so much. A special gentle hug to him too. I don’t know what to say to offer comfort. Hang in there. Love n prayers , Suba

    Reply
  2. Cheryl

     /  May 1, 2011

    My heart goes out to you as you cope with all the feelings and emotions of your broken spirit. There is no words to make you feel better, but please know that I am so sorry about Ronan. I am still waiting for that miracle, I won’t give up on him, not now, not ever. I just want to hug you and dry your tears, I know you feel the pain, I want it to be all better. Hang in there Maya, take care of your family and know that somehow you will find a way to cope. There is no reason for any of this, life is so cruel sometimes. Hugs and love to You, Ronan, Woody, Quinn and Liam.

    Reply
  3. KT

     /  May 1, 2011

    To all our guardian angels. Please send
    Ronan a miracle! To the moon and back!
    XO

    Reply
  4. Beth

     /  May 1, 2011

    You are an angel on earth Maya. Though I do not know you personally…after reading your blog, I feel like i know you so well now. Your strength and love is astounding. Ronan is blessed to have a mother like you. I continue to pray for whatever brings comfort to your heart at this difficult path you are on. After all this I still believe in God & in miracles! My six year old and I pray for your miracle everyday and everynight. Hang in there girl! Love and many many prayers! Beth

    Reply
  5. nancy weber

     /  May 1, 2011

    Your baby’s body is wearing out dear Maya but his soul will never leave you. My Annie is with me each and every day and she continues to love and guide me in all that I do…
    My continued love and support to you and your family.
    Nancy xox

    Reply
  6. Stacey

     /  May 1, 2011

    Hi Maya,

    I’m with suba here… Was just thinking if you’re going to freak out when some random woman (me) sees you in Target, at AJs, in the middle of Nordstrom… And asks to give you one big, fat hug. I’ll try not to scare you :) Hang in there Maya. You’re doing your best everyday. Still praying for your baby Ro. My 3.5-year-old needs someone to teach him what a light saber is all about!!

    Oooxxx,
    Stacey

    Reply
  7. Renae C.

     /  May 1, 2011

    Maya, I’m crying and laughing out loud, thinking of Ms. Macy making a fashion statement on Camelback and you know as well as I know, today everyone on Camelback will be wearing red skirts. Lol! Till praying for a miraculous miracle. We love your family.

    Reply
  8. Marquita Ward

     /  May 1, 2011

    Thinking of all of you. Absolutely at a loss for words.

    Reply
  9. Alyssa Crews

     /  May 1, 2011

    Praying for Ro’s miracle too….

    Reply
  10. thinking of you – can only imagine – so many prayers – im so sorry you and your family are going through this – you are so strong – stronger than you know – hang in there and lean on those surrounding you -thinking of you always

    Reply
  11. Patty O

     /  May 1, 2011

    I read your words every day and it just breaks my heart that this has happened. There are no words for me to say other than i am so sorry. You are an amazing mother and are doing everything you should do for Ronan. My thoughts are always with you..oxoxox to you and your family

    Reply
  12. Farrah

     /  May 1, 2011

    Still praying for a miracle for Ronan, and comfort for all of you. I am sending much love & admiration your way too. I have to say I’ve fallen a little in love with your whole family and your friends. Awesome people, all of you.

    Reply
  13. Glenda

     /  May 1, 2011

    My heart is aching for you, Ro, Woody the twins and your extended families.

    I lost my Mom to cancer in 2004. I hate CANCER! and children should be spared this evil disease.

    Praying every single day for a miracle.
    Sending Ro hugs!

    Rock on Rockstar Ronan! Fight on!!!
    XO

    Reply
  14. J

     /  May 1, 2011

    words are not enough…just a lot of love and long hugs.

    Reply
  15. K.M

     /  May 1, 2011

    When I started reading your blog in October, I immediately felt the outcome would be wonderful. I’ve read other stories about NB but Ronan is so different. I still refuse to believe this is happening. I’m holding out for a miracle how could so many people feel this way & be constantly praying and putting it out into the universe. No way this is over, no way!

    Reply
  16. Julie Wood

     /  May 1, 2011

    I think you are an amazing mom. I think if I was in your shoes I’d want to just curl up in a ball and not speak to anyone. Thank you so much for sharing Ronan and your family with us.

    I just got a letter from St .Judes children’s hospital (I’m a monthly donor) about a little boy was sent home on hospice last year and his parents called St Judes and he is still having treatments. I’m not sure if they could help Ronan (and you may have already contacted them) but just wanted to make sure you knew about them.

    Reply
  17. Cynthia

     /  May 1, 2011

    I wish I had some really inspiring, witty words today. I just keep thinking about what amazing friends you have. They will be your light through all this…

    Reply
  18. FL Mommy

     /  May 1, 2011

    Wish there was something we could say or do to take away your family’s pain, Maya. You are such an inspiration to us all. As the new mom to a 10-week old baby boy, you have taught me so much about living in the moment and savoring every second. Because of your sweet little Ro’s journey, I have promised my son that I will play with him on the floor instead of worrying about folding laundry. I will read to him instead worrying about the dishes. Still praying for a miracle for you all and sending much love your way.

    Reply
  19. julie glenn

     /  May 1, 2011

    My prayer today at church was You and your family as my number one priority. Maya, you are truly the most incredible Mom and person and I don’t even know you…..I hope you can feel the huge hugs I am sending to you and your family. Hug your little “Rockstar” from me as I have followed your blog and have prayed for you, your family and him through this nasty disease. I will agree with you to the end….f…..K cancer. It’s the worst. Thinking of you every day…..Julie Glenn

    Reply
  20. Laura

     /  May 1, 2011

    Just know that you all are dearly loved by all, you have truly touch so many. We are still praying for a miracle. I’m so thankful you all are all home and together. There is a beautiful song by a local theater director Gerry Cuility called “Look Into Your Heart” with a beautiful message of just look into your heart…there…I’ll always be..smiling…safe..and free. Our children always are alive in our hearts…no one can take that away.
    We send all our love to your entire family. I hope time together can bring much love and happiness.

    Reply
  21. Monica

     /  May 1, 2011

    Thought of you guys all day. Saying tons of prayers. You are incredibly strong; there is no road map for this. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

    Reply
  22. Shelli and Gibson

     /  May 1, 2011

    Maya, thank you for continuing to share – even in this crappiest of times. Every day we keep all of you in our prayers and send loving thoughts. You are the most amazing family and there’s no bigger rockstar than Ronan.
    We are here for you – for anything. Ronan has touched our hearts without even meeting him – he is that incredible to us!

    Reply
  23. Trish

     /  May 1, 2011

    Oh Maya. Words fail me. Surreal. This just cannot be happening.

    Reply
  24. Kaila

     /  May 1, 2011

    I have been silently following your family’s journey for a while now…was forwarded to me through some Kelso roots. I have been praying and believing for hope. Through this whole nightmare you have been strong; you have had hope. You have reminded so many of us what is truly meaningful in this life. You are surrounded by so many beautiful lives, that I am also reminded to maintain my own friendships and get out there and make some more! For what little that might mean to you, thank you for sharing your reality in the raw. I don’t know if this is anything you would read, but I thought I’d throw it at you, being that Ronan has been on my heart and I thought of you… I was reading some healing testimonies and just thought I’d pass the site along: http://www.ibethel.org under ‘features’. I am choosing to believe and hope for a miracle for your precious family. Sending hugs, prayers, & blessings, kaila.

    Reply
  25. Patricia Scalise

     /  May 2, 2011

    dear god……..
    please, please, please……

    Reply
  26. Jolene

     /  May 6, 2011

    I have been following this blog.
    I don’t feel like I am a kind, humane person, if I don’t give you the information for this book on health.
    Please check this book out: The pH Miracle, by Dr. Robert O. Young. He also has a healing center in California and treats patients of all kinds of illnesses with an alkaline lifestyle and diet. Bless you! and take care!

    Reply
  27. diana a.

     /  May 10, 2011

    I KNOW YOU DNT EVEN KNOW ME BUT MY COUSIN’S ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS……TARA P. READING ABOUT YOU AND YOUR FAMILY REALLY TOUCHED MY HEART <3 NO MOTHER OR CHILD SHOULD EVER HAVE TO GO THROUGH THAT.YOUR A VERY STRONG PERSON I CANT EVEN IMAGINE WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW IM SOOO SORRY MY PRAYERS GO OUT TO ~YOU~ *DIANA AGUILERA*

    LOVE+LOVE+LOVE

    Reply

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