Hello Insomnia and Nightmares


 

 

Awake. Lovely. Fell asleep for about an hour. Woke up due to horrific nightmares. Not going back to sleep anytime soon. I talked via text messaging to Ashley’s mom today; the little girl who underwent surgery. It went very well and she is now recovering over in the ICU. Her mom told me to prepare myself. Fuck. How do you prepare for something like that. I sent Woody the text message she sent me about what to expect. His response? “Fuck.” Great. My rock who is usually my positive power, knows what we are about to go through is going to be hell. I am trying to mentally prepare myself…. but I don’t even know if this is possible. She did tell me that she is completely in love with Dr. La Quaglia though:) That makes me feel a little better. Cheers to Ashley and her successful surgery. So very happy for her and her family.

Today, we spent the day all together as a family. Liam and Quinn leave tomorrow and I am devastated. Ronan is going to be so sad; those boys are his life. We tried to soak up being together as much as possible and had a great day. Lots of laughing and throwing snowballs:) Tonight, Woody and Quinn ran out to get some dinner down the street a few blocks. Ronan was so upset after they left because he wanted to go with them. He screamed and cried the entire time they were gone which was about 20 minutes. I was dealing with him and I looked over to see the tears pouring out of Liam’s eyes. I immediately left Ronan to his temper tantrum to tend to Liam. I sat and held him and asked him what was wrong. He told me how much seeing Ronan scream and cry, bothers him. I wanted to die right then and there. Of course it all makes perfect sense. Liam has been spending a lot of time with Mimi and Papa on this trip because they are his safety, his security. With them, there is no chaos, no unexpected, no scariness. Liam lives for calmness, structure, and rules. With Ronan, you never know what you are going to get and every second is different from the next. Liam does not like this at all and seeing him tonight all I wanted to do was to take him home, and just be able to put him back in his secure environment where all this madness does not exist. I held him for a long time, let him cry, and just explained to him why Ronan was acting this way. Ronan got so mad that I was tending to Liam that he shut himself in the closet. I let him; Liam needed me. As soon as Woody and Quinn returned, we ate dinner and then he took the twins upstairs to watch football. I curled up with Ronan and fell asleep; for a little while anyway.

So, it is officially New Years Eve. I am so ready for 2010 to be over. Worst year of my life. 2011 is going to be much better; I have a great feeling about it.

My friend, Sandy, sent this to me today. It made me smile and I agree with almost everything on this list. Thanks, ho;)

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio :

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I’ve ever written.  My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.  Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come…

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”

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3 Comments

  1. Carolyn Wing

     /  December 31, 2010

    We will be praying still. Does Ashley have a website? We will add her to our prayers as well. Carolyn Wing grandma to Laura Stage IV neuroblastoma carepages.com page name LauraVDB

    Reply
  2. Marquita Ward

     /  December 31, 2010

    May the good Lord bless Liam with strength and security and also the rest of the family knowing they can some day look back on this as growing pains..in 2007 I had my cancer surgery date pushed back because of shingles, I know pain and anxiety and I know what it is like to have other’s that care about you, go through it with you.

    Reply
  3. Thinking about you and all praying for your wonderful family.

    My daughter was diagnosed on 12/23/2010. We are currently in her 3rd round of chemo.

    Please stop by and leave some prayers for our daughter:

    http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/emilys/

    http://www.emilyhubbel.com/

    http://www.facebook.com/emilysjourney

    Reply

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