Truest intentions, purest of hearts


I need to get my shit together today. My house looks like a bomb went off in it, I can’t stop crying, and I think I just picked my nightgown up off the floor and beat the crap out of my bedroom wall with it. Don’t worry. Ronan didn’t see this… he was playing in the other room. He did hold me though, while I cried in his lap. He patted my head and held me. I needed to let some things go today, and I did. Everyday is so different from the next. I never know waking up what the day will consist of, how I will feel, or how Ronan is going to act. The inconsistency in my life makes me nervous and anxious. Today, I have had a pit in my stomach the entire day and I can’t seem to get rid of it. The reality that surrounds us is overwhelming at times. Thank god for good friends who I can call on. My friend, Gay, called me right when I needed her most. My friend, Pamela White (who has been a GODSEND) let me vent and gave me advice…. Little Jack’s mom, Laurie, always puts me at ease. Just hearing her voice and the updates on Jackers helps me get though the days. To people who are walking to the end of the earth and back for us, to the people who refuse to let go of my hand, to the people bringing dinners and helping with Liam and Quinn, to the people who know just how to make me smile…. Please know how thankful I am for you. The fact that you are walking though this with us and supporting us so much, means the world to our family. We are so lucky and thankful for all of you. It speaks volumes about the kind of people you are in the way you choose to live your life and I will FOREVER be thankful, humbled, and amazed<3 You all have changed my life and the way I view the beauty of family, friends, and strangers. You have taught me to question everything and accept nothing but the best for me and my family.

Last night I went out for dinner with 3 of my dearest friends. I was able to let go a little bit and live in the moment surrounded by strength and love. I went to the best restaurant in town, Tarbell’s, with my friends, Niki, Jen, and Lindsey. The place was packed, food was amazing as always, and the service was above and beyond. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I was with the bosses wife;) I sat with my 3 darlings, for 3 hours. We shut the place down and I left there feeling extremely blessed to have spent the evening surrounded by those 3 incredible women. They are more than friends to me; they are my sisters. I would trust them with my life and the life of my children. They are the type of friends who would never let me down or let me fall without picking me back up. I need them more than ever at this time in my life. I get that I am asking a lot from my friends right now…. but my true friends, are the one’s I have to ask nothing of; they just give and do because  they have the inner strength to see me through this. Their intentions are true and pure… there is no bullshit or superficialness. I worship them and if the tables were turned, I would be there for them in a heartbeat. They know this of me… they get the bigger picture of all of this.

Once Liam and Quinn got home I put everything that has been going on inside my head, on hold. I made them a snack, took them for shaved ice, and we went outside and played in the backyard for 2 hours. We took every ball in our house and put it in our big, grassy yard and played soccer and dodgeball. Ronan had a BLAST. He ran, kicked and threw his balls for an hour straight. The strength and power that boy has when it comes to anything physical is insane. He is so coordinated and fast. We took a bunch of glow sticks when it got dark and shaped them into frisbees and threw them up in the air and at each other. It was an evening full of laughing and playing. Woody came home, scarfed down some dinner (thanks Jules) and took Liam and Quinn over to The Village for basketball practice. My poor, tired, husband. He worked so hard today.. and I can tell he is exhausted. But he will never let us down or complain about anything. He came home with a smile on his face and a big kiss for me and off to practice they went. Love that man.

I feel like a kept woman with Ronan. Seriously. The little man decides my every move. I’ve got to get some control back with him. My sweet Sarah, whom Ronan LOVES… came over to peel me off my floor today. Ronan threw a fit about having her here. I can’t win. I need help, want help, ask for help…. but Ronan is so territorial of “his house.” He wants nothing to do with visitors and ends up slamming doors and screaming in his room the entire time someone is here. And Sarah is like family to us. He let her stay for a little bit after I bribed him with a toy and we played Star Wars with him. Sarah took over with the playing and I was able to get a few things done around here. Then we “locked” Sarah in the laundry room (that was the only way he would let her stay) so she could fold my laundry. Sarah the Saint. She has been so helpful to me and I know she would do whatever I needed her to, if Ronan would just relax a little. I have a list a mile long of things I need to get done before we check into the hospital for Round 4 of chemo on Monday. Tomorrow, we go to the clinic and I am hoping to help in Liam and Quinn’s classroom for their Halloween party. That leaves me Friday to get everything done. The weekends are usually pretty busy around here and I don’t want to spend my time getting caught up when I could be spending it with my boys.

So tired tonight… but one last thought….All of his kisses mean that much more. Every smile, laugh, hug, I love you, that come from Ronan, wash away all of the sadness and anger that I feel… for a few moments. It doesn’t last long, but it is oh so sweet.

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” -Dr Seuss (Thanks Dana)

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5 Comments

  1. Nance Harris

     /  October 28, 2010

    Hi Maya,

    You are so right to thank God for those mightly prayer warriors and helpful people He has sent you.

    Although this is a miserable situation, from a distance, I can see a few silver linings. It is guiding your priorities, family and friends are more important than things. Different things, ordinary things, hold more value for you now.

    You are growing Maya, gaining strength. You said you pulled yourself together when the twins came home and it became a fun time. Others who have walked this path are helping you and in the future you will be able to be the helper.

    You are blessed with a strong, loving support system. Talk to God, the source of all love and strength. He’ll be there for you.

    Caring so much,
    nance

    Reply
  2. Dorene Plampin

     /  October 28, 2010

    Maya, I can just see little Ronan patting mama’s head and consoling you. Funny, how the role changed. My children are all grown and roles go back and forth. Your faith in God,Woody, friends and family will get you through this. Sending Angels and much love and prayers as always. D

    Reply
  3. roberto same man

     /  October 28, 2010

    I’m sorry computer was down for at least 2 weeks. I also thought you didn’t want to chat after one of my last message.Whatever or Wherever your family goes with Ronan,remember I will always keep you in my heart.XOXO

    Reply
  4. Good luck, you’re going to make it through!!!!!!!!!

    Reply
  5. Heather

     /  September 24, 2012

    My mother, who passed away 8 years ago from Lung Cancer used to say that quote ALL the time. I just started reading your blog today, after a girl at work got me into it. I have a 3 1/2 year old myself and I could not even imagine going through half of what you have been through. So far, reading this blog has opened my eyes to SO much. I will never take the little moments for granted again. Thank you for being so amazing and strong and sharing your story with family and friends. I’ll never forget you, your family or your story <3

    Reply

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  • Instagram is my BFF

    This just made my day. 
#Repost from @chloegoulden13
--- OKAY HI. So, as you probably know I am a huge advocate in raising awareness and funds for childhood cancer. Childhood cancer is the number one disease killer of our kids, with 46 kids being diagnosed a day and 7 dying a day in the United States alone. It receives next to no funding federally, and is swept under the rug because it is too sad. Well things have to change. The Ronan Thompson Foundation is a beyond amazing foundation in honour of Ronan Thompson who died at age 3. And through Taylor Swift and Maya (his mama) I've learned Ronan's story and become aware of the tragedy that is the world of childhood cancer. SEPTEMBER is childhood cancer awareness month and the colour is GOLD (official in HRM, HOLLA!🙌) and I intend to do my part. The #BeBoldGoGold campaign (created by Maya Thompson and Kassie Rehorn of the Ronan Thompson Foundation) is designed to spread awareness about this terrible disease in a fun way. Deck yourself out in gold and educate people, challenging them and your friends to do the same. This month I vow to do that... Through running. Throughout September, I will run as many races as need be to reach 50 kilometres (or 31.1 miles for all you American lovies) and spread awareness at each race. However, while awareness is great, funding is even better. So there will be a page set up where you can sponsor me throughout the month and support the cause. All money will go to the Ronan Thompson Foundation and the IWK Foundation to help kids locally and internationally, fight cancer. To learn more about it, go to www.facebook.com/chloesraceforgold or click the link in my bio. There will be a schedule, info and a place you can donate. Ronan, I am so sorry this happened to you. We will fix this broken world. #ronan #beboldgogold #theronanthompsonfoundation #iwk #halifax #fucancer #heshouldbehere Join us in the Be Bold Go Gold Challenge! Snap a pic of yourself all decked out in your gold and nominate some brave souls to do the same! @beboldgogold  I was nominated to do the #beboldgogold💛 and I nominate @mamamaya @knjoy and @woodythompson75. #rtf #empiregogold #ronan I totally have the best 11 year old in the world. #ronan #fucancer #nutellaordie #notdramaticatall @knjoy
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