You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have


These past 2 weeks have been so hard and I know it’s going to get harder. I’ll never forget when Dr. Wood came into tell me that they had found a mass in Ronan’s stomach. I fell to the floor and could hardly breathe. Wasn’t it just a day before all of this that Woody looked at me and said, “We are so lucky, we have the perfect life.” He would say things like this weekly and thank me for being such a great mom and taking such good care of his boys. And I would always thank him for giving me such a wonderful life and letting me stay home and raise our boys. It was never a right to me; it was always a privilege. We both knew how good we had it. We pretty much had our life map planned out. It included our 3 boys playing lots of sports, doing well in school, having all of their friends over and getting eaten out of our house, our family, lots of traveling, and just being together as much as possible. There is still a plan… I’m just looking at this as a little detour along the way.

I can tell Ronan is starting to feel sick. That’s really hard for me to see. A few weeks ago he was my overly wild, insanly active little guy who was always causing trouble and beating up his 7 year old brothers. The next minute he can hardly walk and does not want to even get out of bed. He is starting to look sick, act sick, and feel sick. It’s heartbreaking to see and watch.

I finally broke down in front of Woody last night. I haven’t done that yet but I was having a day where I was feeling sorry for myself. I hated doing it, I don’t want him to see me hurt the way I am. He has enough to worry about. I wish I wouldn’t have because it did not make me feel better. It was not one of those moments that brought us closer. It was one of those moments that Woody looked at me and told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and to knock it off. I needed to hear that because now is not the time to be weak. I know there will come a time for him to hold me so I can break down. But it was not last night. He needs to be around me when I am strong because we are going to be dealing with this for a very long time. And for the record, he doesn’t read my blog…. it’s probably better that way. He says he doesn’t understand my needing to be vocal about such a private thing. But he supports me, because he knows it helps me.

So, I am going to try my hardest to put on a happy, strong face when I’m around him. And if I need to break down it will be on here or in front of friends…. One of my girlfriends, Ryan, posted something on my Facebook wall today. It said, “You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” Ain’t that the
f-ing truth.

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8 Comments

  1. April McLaughlin

     /  August 29, 2010

    I just wanted to say that you shouldn’t feel bad for breaking down. If you don’t allow yourself to feel your emotions, then it is going to catch up to you. You and Woody should be there to support each other and you shouldn’t have to pretend to be strong when all you want to do is break down. It’s OK.

    We pray for you and your family and your little man Ronan quite often.

    Reply
  2. Maya, you have every right to have a brokedown moment, love. And I admire that Woody gives you the space to deal with these difficulties as you need to, even if it differs from what he would choose.

    In fact, I admire your relationship, your tenacity as a unit, and the beauty of the love you all share.

    You’ll come out stronger in the end…all of you. Individually and as a loving, united family.

    You are never far from my thoughts. Love from across the nation to you, Woody, Ronan, Liam, & Quinn everyday…

    ~Michelle

    Reply
  3. Jennifer

     /  August 29, 2010

    I too found her words to be very profound…& in your weak moments, either with Woody or one of us, please don’t feel bad. It’s a release your mind & body needs for you to continue to stay strong. Hang in there Mama Maya! Love~Hugs~Kisses xo

    Reply
  4. Candyce Lindsay

     /  August 29, 2010

    Everyone has a place for tears when stress gets high and my goodness has it been so for you guys. I say better out than in, just like gas for a baby. Burp or tutt and the baby feels better. The same for you…let it out, then blow your nose, wipe your face and get back to praying for and handling the business of healing Ronan! Your new praying friend!

    Reply
  5. Danielle

     /  August 29, 2010

    That is a great quote and I love you before being you and letting others in and sharing with this blog. Everyone here who reads this .. writes, cares, and feels..so deeply and awaits the minute you write something. We then know what support you and your family need at that moment from afar.

    The hospital is a safe place for Ro right now and your sanity so if he’s content being there then that’s great.

    Let me know if you need night visitor when he sleep and you can not.

    Love, hugs, and kisses

    DD

    Reply
  6. Chris

     /  August 29, 2010

    You are strong. You are MOM. You hang on. Your men all need you. It’s good to break down every once and a while, but even your husband will need for you to be strong. He can only be strong if you are. It sucks having all the pressure on you, but that’s the way it goes. Thank goodness you do have God who you can give everything to. I’m handing you and your family over daily. Praying.

    Reply
  7. Joy (Corkran) Gaeraths

     /  August 29, 2010

    Use us to vent all you want. You can’t keep those feeling inside for too long or you will end up under the weather…..think of your blog as your own therapy…..everyone needs to vent, even the strongest Mama, which without ever having met you, I can see that you are. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your beautiful Rockstar family.

    Reply
  8. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I find it therapeutic to write about what we’re going through, and it certainly helps my friends and family to understand things better.

    I never thought I could be this strong. But you’re right…there is no other option. xoxo, Michiko

    Reply

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