Even when I’m asleep, I dream about his cancer

Ronan fell asleep early tonight and I did too. I’m awake now because I had a terrible nightmare that Ronan had cancer. Except it wasn’t a nightmare at all. It is real. I jumped up from my dream, hoping to be home in my bed with my baby curled up beside me. But instead I am curled up in a hospital bed next to him. In my dream I was holding on to Liam and Quinn’s new teachers hand, Mrs. Martin, and two other women were praying for Ronan in a circle. We were staring at an angel on a wall. I love that even in my dreams, prayers are all around us. I also woke up thinking about a dear friend of mine, Lisa, who knows nothing about Ronan. This lady is like another mom to me and I don’t have her phone number to get a hold of her. When I got a new iPhone, half of my numbers were lost due to me not having them backed up (dummy). I sent her an email to call me. My heart is already breaking thinking about how I am going to tell her. She is like family to us.

Today was a busy day full of more tests, labs, blood work, chemo, and a broviac dressing change which was the worst thing of all I think. The chemo didn’t seem to affect Ronan at all. They start with a very mild dose and the whole thing was done in an hour and a half. Mimi Kay and Papa Charlie sat with me while Ronan had his hearing test done which required anesthesia. Tricia surprised me with a Jamba Juice and a visit and got to sit with me while we waited for Ronan to wake up. It was so nice to have her company. My little M, Marisa, also stopped by just to see my face. She is pregnant and did not want to expose Ronan to any germs so she met me in the hall just so I could see her. It was so nice to rub her beautiful pregnant belly and to hear her funny stories about her daughter, and Ronan’s girlfriend, 3-year-old Gracie. I miss her so much.

Tonight Woody stopped by for a few hours. Ronan was pretty tired but we sat and laughed and loved on him. Woody is being so positive and great. I think my pep talk worked on him because he is in really good spirits, considering what we are going through. We have already decided that Ronan is the mini Lance Armstrong. I’ll bet you Lance was a lot like Ronan at this age. And he beat the shit out of cancer, just like we are going to.

“If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them.  When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope?  We have two options, medically and emotionally:  give up, or fight like hell.”  ~Lance Armstrong

  • Instagram is my BFF

    My boys are away at sleep away camp for two weeks and I finally got a letter. I can't call, can only communicate through letter writing. So relived to hear from my babe today as I've been worried/missing them so much. I am so glad they are having fun, but miss them sooooo much. @quinnthompson24 Can't wait for you to be home. #ronan #fucancer #firsttimecampers #missmyboys #poppyislookingforyoueverywhere #Repost from @jentate with @repostapp
Oldies but goodies. Seeing these shirts on my RoLovies makes me sooooo happy. @palmercash #ronan #fucancer #rockstarronan #palmercash 💜 came home to thissss!!!! @palmercash #awesome #ronan #rolove now my hubs can rock the #rolove !!! This is the "I want to fucking kill myself selfie." Camelback Inferno hike today is extra hot. WTF was I thinking? Oh, I know. My son died from fucking cancer so I get to live my life being insane and doing crazy shit like this because sometimes it's the only thing that makes me feel alive. Thanks, cancer. You are an asshole. #ronan #fucancer #camelbackmountain #infernohiking #iwanttofuckingkillmyselfselfie #thatwasajoke #nobodyneedstofreakout

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