A day filled with angels


Finally, a day without any tests on my baby. We got very little sleep last night and Ronan was tired today. We spent most of the day curled up in bed together and then Mimi Kay came to see Ronan so I was able to leave for a while. I went home to a quiet house which was not as pleasant as one would expect. As soon as I walked into my house I felt weak and scared. I tried to keep busy by doing normal things like paying bills, laundry, etc….. but nothing was working. I walked into Ronan’s room and completely fell apart. I sat on his bed and the tears just came pouring out. I screamed into his pillow, beat my head against the wall, and could not stop from crying. I kept thinking, why me, why him, why us?!! After about 20 minutes of this I thought a shower might help. It only made things worse. I turned up the water scolding hot and let myself feel the pain of it burning my skin. I kept thinking, is this how my baby is going to feel going through chemo? Will he burn and hurt like this? I deserve to feel this way, not him. I let the water burn my skin for about 10 minutes and cried my heart out. I kept thinking, I’ve totally failed as a mother; I should have taken him to the doctor 2 months ago when he told me that one day, that his tummy hurt. In 2 days, I’m going to start putting poison in my baby’s body to try to kill this awful disease. This is so unfair and still can’t be real.

When all of this started happening, my friend Lauren kept talking about baby Jack. He is a 3-year-old who has been diagnosed with neuroblastoma as well. Lauren knew of baby Jack from a friend of a friend and passed along his mommy’s number to me. I met Laurie, Zac, and Jack a couple of days ago and they have given me so much hope. Jack is such a beautiful little boy and is responding so well to his treatment. I instantly felt a huge connection to Laurie. It’s just sad that it has to be in this situation because I could tell right away that if these were  normal circumstances, I would absolutely be friends with this girl. After sitting with Laurie for about an hour we learned that Ronan and Jack are only a day apart and they were born in the same hospital. How’s that for luck?? Shitty, if you ask me. Laurie is the one I called today while I was in the middle of my 2 hour breakdown at home. I hate that she has to be the one comforting me because she knows exactly what I’m going through. I wish it could have been it was just because she was my friend; not because she is mom who has been in my shoes.

I’m tired tonight and am going to try to get some rest. I wish I could go on and on about my day today and am sad I am too tired to get into how amazing people have been to us. My amazing friends and family, strangers that have heard our story are dropping off beautiful gifts, cards, and just kind words. I will save that for another day and also the story about the 80-year-old woman who was staring at me today while I was getting my twins’ shaved ice. This woman started a prayer circle in the middle of the store because the owner told her about Ronan and prayers are what she just happens to do morning, noon, and night. Angels are all around us. The people who have been kind enough to share their similar stories with me as well. Taking the time to talk to me and reassure me that everything is going to be o.k. I am finding a lot of peace in a time of complete and utter chaos.

Goodnight my angels.

xoxo

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22 Comments

  1. Bev Nystedt

     /  August 19, 2010

    You are amazing! You will be stronger today after a good cry…it’s a wonderful catharsis….you will feel renewed and ready to fight this battle.. I am so glad that you have Lauren to help you with this journey. There are worst reasons to have a friend than having a common pain. I can see that she was sent to you for a reason…to comfort and guide. God bless and know that you are all in our prayers. Bev

    Reply
  2. Chris

     /  August 19, 2010

    I will be praying for Laurie, Zac and little Jack too. God is so good to send her to you. I’m glad you were able to get a tiny bit of the emotion out at home. You needed that. It will help you to feel stronger. This is going to be a day by day, hour by hour deal. It will be the little things that help you deal. It will be God that holds it all together. He really does have a plan.

    Reply
  3. ruth elwardt

     /  August 19, 2010

    Just want you to know I was praying for Ronan last night. I couldn’t sleep which isn’t unusual for me but your family and Ronan kept coming to mind. I hope you had a restful night. Know that there are many holding you up in prayer even in the wee hours of the night.

    Reply
  4. Janette Bunger

     /  August 19, 2010

    Angels are all around you guys for sure. You could feel the strength and love in Ronans hospital room. It was truly amazing. I’m sure you know how many people are praying for Ronan. We love you guys,
    Brandon, Janette, and Cameron

    Reply
  5. You have not failed as a mother. You are an extraordinary mother an don’t you ever forget that. Your strength has all of us in awe. Breaking down will help renew your soul, your spirit and strength.

    Reply
  6. Sharon Jarnagin

     /  August 19, 2010

    Thank you for having this blog. Every day I get up and check my phone to see how you all did the day before. My thoughts are always with you.

    Reply
  7. Niki Tarbell

     /  August 19, 2010

    My dear friend, Maya – no mother should have to endure the pain you are feeling…but it is good to be feeling. It must be so trying and raise so many questions, but you are a fantastic mother and deserve to get mad, sad, overwhelmed, scared. there have not been many moments in the single last week for you to be alone and process your feelings, let alone be given the opportunity to react to them. It’s important for you to do this if you are going to go on – you will be even stronger now. I hope you feel the strength of all of those around you – you are loved so much.

    Reply
  8. Janna Everroad

     /  August 19, 2010

    We have been praying BIG time for your whole family. What amazing parents you both are to your precious boys. You are so right that God is placing just the right people around you to carry you, walk with you and pray with you. We would love to help in any way. Charlie would keep Liam and Quinn at our house permanently if he could!! Please know our door is ALWAYS open and has no closing time! You are in our hearts and prayers.
    “God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1

    Reply
  9. nori vial

     /  August 19, 2010

    Maya~
    I think of you morning, noon, and night and am amazed at your strength and courage. You and your sweet Ronan will persevere through this!!! Please know that you and your family continue to be in our hearts and prayers daily!
    Hugs to you all!
    Nori Vial

    Reply
  10. Kristen Jarnagin

     /  August 19, 2010

    This post breaks my heart as it’s such a clear and understanding description of your pain. I felt like I was there with you in your house and I hope you remember that we’re all with you during this incredibly tough time. But like so many of your loving friends have already stated, you will get through this and Ronan will back in his room with his wonderful family soon. I long for the day when you will look back on this time as a faint nightmare that you fought and overcame. Love to you.

    Reply
  11. Gay Willits

     /  August 19, 2010

    Maya

    You are human and it is good to let our your emotion. Please know that God will give you more strength when you let out your emotions. Then you can keep being the Rock for Ronan. The text with the smile on his face yesterday made my day. Your entire family is amazing and NEVER second guess your mothering. You are amazing, beautiful, calm, kind, generous, soothing. I could go on and on. Your family is lucky to have you as their mom. You are Fabulous. Keep up your strength. XOXO Gay

    Reply
  12. Connie

     /  August 19, 2010

    There are days and there will be days. One at a time – try not to have expectations of your strength, Ronan’s strength, Woody’s, etc…. If you need anything, you have but to ask – it would be a joy to feel like we are helping in the smallest way… It isn’t easy, but it will be all right. I love you and thank you for writing. Connie

    Reply
  13. suzanne

     /  August 19, 2010

    Maya,
    I am Steven Rauscher’s sister and although i have never met you, i have heard about you since you and Woody met. I heard about Ronan a few days ago and being a mother of a 2 year old boy, i fell apart thinking of what you are going through. Yesterday I got the nerve up to look at this site and i swear the second it opened and i saw his sweet face, a got a HUGE overwhelming feeling that he is absolutely going to pull through this! I don’t even know him, but i know he is strong and has the most amazing parents right there with him.
    I will read your postings every day and send every ounce of positive thoughts that i have in me your way!! Suzanne Rauscher

    Reply
  14. Lisa Johnson

     /  August 19, 2010

    Hi Maya my name is Lisa Johnson, and Laurie is a very old and dear friend of mine. The minute I heard your story, I passed along your website to her in hopes that she could help you through some of this. She said your meeting on Monday was wonderful, and that you are a very strong person! I know there is not words that is going to make this better, but you have to have faith in the prayers and work that is going on around you everyday! I am so happy to hear that in the worst of circumstances, you are able to build a friendship with Laurie, sweet Jack and her entire family! Stay strong and know that I am praying for Ronan every chance I get! Take care…

    Reply
  15. Lynn

     /  August 19, 2010

    Please know that you and your family are in our hearts and we pray that Ronan will have a full and fast recovery. Let us know if there is anything we can do. Love and prayers the Thies Family

    Reply
  16. Marci Kaplan

     /  August 19, 2010

    Oh, sweet Maya, my heart and soul goes out to you and your family but I feel so confident that all will be well with Ronan. You certainly are so blessed to have the family and friends such as Lauren, who is my sweet little angel also, Also there couldn’t be any sweeter gal than Laurie Morton and that goes the same for her husband, Zac

    Reply
  17. Christi Rich

     /  August 20, 2010

    Maya,
    I think we met once at Kay and Charlie’s house. I’ve known Kay and Charlie for years through Komen. Ronan is a beautiful child and reading your story breaks my heart. I know the sadness, anger, fear, pain and unrest that you feel. A cancer survivor myself, my family has experienced all of these things. I can tell that there are so many people that are surrounding you with love, prayer and positive energy that this battle you and your family are fighting is one that you will win. Know that my prayers are added to the list of those who are offering them up to the Lord. Blessings and peace to all your family,

    Reply
  18. Best wishes tomorrow for the next step in the process. It sounded so much worse than it actually was so be brave for your little Rockstar Ronan! He’ll do fine…probably better than mom, dad, grandma, etc. As tough as it all is to watch and go through, the more upbeat and positive you can be, the better. Can totally relate to your yesterday though. It’s okay to feel it all however it feels and everyday, hour, minute will change. Tell Dr. Wood hello for us!

    Reply
  19. Becky

     /  August 20, 2010

    Woody & Maya,

    I have been reading your blog & seeing posts on FB. I just want you to know that you have so many people praying for your sweet, precious little boy. It sounds like Ronan is a fighter & hopefully in time this will just be a distant memory. My husband suffered a brain aneurysm almost 2 years ago & it was a month of hell while he was in the neuro ICU at Barrows/St. Joe’s. However, he made a very quick recovery & I know that the widespread prayers made the difference for him. I remember I couldn’t even think more than a day ahead, much less the next week or longer. Just work on getting through each day & with time life will get back to a more normal pace. We are all pulling for your family & sending healing thoughts your way.
    Hugs~Becky Matchette

    Reply
  20. Melissa

     /  August 20, 2010

    Woody and Maya,
    I am so sorry that your family is having to go through this. I want you to know that I am praying for you and your family. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Hugs- Melissa Rodgers

    Reply
  21. Monica c

     /  October 8, 2013

    This is exactly how I felt and how I’m feeling…. But I try to block it from my mind. My daughter, 3 years old, was diagnosed with ALL on August 13th of this year, she is part of the very high risk group. I just started reading your blogs and although our children were diagnosed with different forms of cancer I identify with you in so many levels….

    Reply

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