A day filled with angels

Finally, a day without any tests on my baby. We got very little sleep last night and Ronan was tired today. We spent most of the day curled up in bed together and then Mimi Kay came to see Ronan so I was able to leave for a while. I went home to a quiet house which was not as pleasant as one would expect. As soon as I walked into my house I felt weak and scared. I tried to keep busy by doing normal things like paying bills, laundry, etc….. but nothing was working. I walked into Ronan’s room and completely fell apart. I sat on his bed and the tears just came pouring out. I screamed into his pillow, beat my head against the wall, and could not stop from crying. I kept thinking, why me, why him, why us?!! After about 20 minutes of this I thought a shower might help. It only made things worse. I turned up the water scolding hot and let myself feel the pain of it burning my skin. I kept thinking, is this how my baby is going to feel going through chemo? Will he burn and hurt like this? I deserve to feel this way, not him. I let the water burn my skin for about 10 minutes and cried my heart out. I kept thinking, I’ve totally failed as a mother;┬áI should have taken him to the doctor 2 months ago when he told me that one day, that his tummy hurt. In 2 days, I’m going to start putting poison in my baby’s body to try to kill this awful disease. This is so unfair and still can’t be real.

When all of this started happening, my friend Lauren kept talking about baby Jack. He is a 3-year-old who has been diagnosed with neuroblastoma as well. Lauren knew of baby Jack from a friend of a friend and passed along his mommy’s number to me. I met Laurie, Zac, and Jack a couple of days ago and they have given me so much hope. Jack is such a beautiful little boy and is responding so well to his treatment. I instantly felt a huge connection to Laurie. It’s just sad that it has to be in this situation because I could tell right away that if these were ┬ánormal circumstances, I would absolutely be friends with this girl. After sitting with Laurie for about an hour we learned that Ronan and Jack are only a day apart and they were born in the same hospital. How’s that for luck?? Shitty, if you ask me. Laurie is the one I called today while I was in the middle of my 2 hour breakdown at home. I hate that she has to be the one comforting me because she knows exactly what I’m going through. I wish it could have been it was just because she was my friend; not because she is mom who has been in my shoes.

I’m tired tonight and am going to try to get some rest. I wish I could go on and on about my day today and am sad I am too tired to get into how amazing people have been to us. My amazing friends and family, strangers that have heard our story are dropping off beautiful gifts, cards, and just kind words. I will save that for another day and also the story about the 80-year-old woman who was staring at me today while I was getting my twins’ shaved ice. This woman started a prayer circle in the middle of the store because the owner told her about Ronan and prayers are what she just happens to do morning, noon, and night. Angels are all around us. The people who have been kind enough to share their similar stories with me as well. Taking the time to talk to me and reassure me that everything is going to be o.k. I am finding a lot of peace in a time of complete and utter chaos.

Goodnight my angels.

xoxo

  • Instagram is my BFF

    Miss you already, lover. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #rideordie #mommynumbertwo @macymwood Dedicated to my @macymwood. Ride or die for life. #ronan #fucancer #iwillloveyoutilltheendoftime #lanadelrey #iwouldmakeoutwithlana Hipsters. #ronan #fucancer #middleagedhipsters #youngforever #forgotourflowerheadbands #lanadelrae Been trying hard not to get into trouble... #ronan #fucancer #lanadelrae #mymusicalsoulmate @macymwood This is my happy place. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #hidingfromtheworld #sundaysnuggles @macymwood @knjoy Sundays are for sleep. @macymwood @knjoy #poppy #ronan #fucancer #sleepingbeauty #wornoutfromsomuchdancing Just making out with my favorite homegirl. #poppy #ronan #youdownwithopp? #yeahyouknowme #homegirllove #fucancer Poppy's other mom is in da house! #poppy #ronan #fucancer #mytwomoms #thesebitchesarecrazy @macymwood A bunch of little ballers and a P-Ro, too. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #basketballislife #arcadiatitans This has secretly been being worked on for quite some time. As you can imagine, it was a very emotional thing. We as board members/friends at RTF decided it was time for the little seal logo to go. We needed something that really spoke to who Ronan was/is. This is what our amazing friends at Fervor Creative came up with after many meetings with us and many do overs. (pro bono might I add because they have such beautiful hearts) I think they nailed it this time as it shows the beauty, strength and bravery that Ronan had, in such a simple way. How no matter what, you always keep walking up that hill and fighting, and even in death, you wont stop fighting for a world that so badly needs to be fixed which is the world of childhood cancer. Looking at this makes me proud, it makes me cry, it makes me strong. After everything Ronan went through, he always held his little chin up with such dignity and pride. At 3 years old, he was such a little man who never felt sorry for himself or let what he was going through get him down. He was my greatest teacher in life and will continue to be as I carry him with me in everything I do. I love you, Ronan. I will never stop fighting for you and this fucked up world of childhood cancer that everybody just seems to ignore. We will change this, because of you. I hope you all like our new Ronan Thompson Foundation design. @ronanfoundation #ronan My favorite place to be on a Friday night. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #fridaynightsnuggles #mybabe It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. #ronan #myneighboriscrazierthanyours #thisgoesoneveryday #neighborhoodproblems #movingtoiceland
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